Hello, and welcome back to the world of football, or as Tucker Carlson likes to call it, “Nothing But A League of Thugs and Degenerates and Serial Killers Who Should All Should All Be Thrown Into a Vat Of Face-Melting Acid, Like When Jack Napier Turned Into The Joker On Batman. Except For The Short White Kickers, I Like Those Guys.”
If you missed it, Carlson — fighting for relevancy in the growing mutant world of psychotic political commentators — called for the execution of Michael Vick this week for crimes against past Labradors, never mind the 23 months he already spent in prison and the loss of 27 gazillion dollars. I think it pretty much confirms Vick is not on Carlson’s Fantasy League team.
Personally, I believe Carlson should be sentenced to one game of human “Frogger.” That’s the other unbelievably true story this week: a Clemson man (not Dabo Swinney) thought it would be
fun to mimic the video game “Frogger” and try to run across a busy highway without getting tenderized. Seriously, this guy actually yelled, “Go!” and then took off.
It was a short game. He got smacked by an SUV. Somehow, he lived. Obviously he didn’t suffer any brain damage since he already was at base level.
I’m thinking John Fox feels like the frog about now. The Carolina coach knows he’s toast after losing to the Falcons on Sunday. Asked about speculation on his firing, he said: “This is not new news. It’s a finishing. It’s kind of been knowledgeable for a couple years.” Nice to have a two-year warning. Most are lucky to get two weeks.
This week, the Falcons face Fox’s Panthers, who are one bad quarterback short of qualifying for aid from FEMA. The Falcons are trying to close out the NFC South Division title and home field through the playoffs. If they can’t beat this bunch, they should be forced to watch Tucker Carlson diatribes on an endless loop. (OK, maybe not. That would violate the Geneva Convention.)
The line is 14 points. That’s a lot. But there’s pent up anger from the loss to New Orleans. I say: Go! Falcons win and cover.
Here’s John Fox’s video resume the last two years
And just because it’s even more unbelievable the second time, Carlson on Vick
Bowl Parade (Chronologically but Illogically)
(Repeating Liberty and Chick-fil-A picks from a week ago because I had my days off, or maybe my brain.)
Liberty: Georgia-Central Florida: The Dogs will be without Caleb King, who is academically ineligible, which is a change from him being arrested or suspended or injured (or thinking he’s injured). Dude: When does the light bulb go on? Enjoy four quarters of A.J. Green. Then say goodbye. His jersey hits eBay at about 7 p.m. Friday. Dogs cover 6 ½.
Chick-fil-A: South Carolina-Florida State: Steve Spurrier accepted this bowl bid only after assurances that Cam Newton wouldn’t be in the Dome again. He won’t, but Cecil Newton will be in the parking lot selling Cam’s old shoes. Roosters cover 3.
Outback: Florida-Penn State: I’m less amazed that Joe Paterno, at the age of 84, can still coach 18-year-olds than I am that Hugh Hefner, at the age of 84, can coach 24-year-olds. Say hello to the new Mrs. Hefner: Crystal Harris, Miss December 2009, 34D-25-35-56 (breasts-waist-hips-IQ). Does Paterno take blue pills, too. And speaking of pills, this is Urban Meyer’s last game. Gators win but take Penn State and 7 ½.
Capital One: Alabama-Michigan State: Nick Saban goes from having the best team in the country to the second best team in the state, although I might be shortchanging Troy (which had a better conference record). Tide covers 10.
Gator: Mississippi State-Michigan: Dan Mullen leads Mississippi State to the school’s 15th bowl game in 116 years. That should make a dandy final entry on the resume. By the way, how are housing prices in Athens? Other Dogs cover 5.
Orange: Stanford-Virginia Tech: Frank Beamer just won the inaugural Joe Paterno Coach Of The Year Award because there’s no rule prohibiting the winner from losing to James Madison. Take the 3½ but VaTech wins this straight up.
Sugar: Ohio State-Arkansas: Sugar Bowl CEO Paul Hoolahan admits he asked Ohio State not to suspend six players for the bowl game for selling memorabilia because he wanted to “preserve the integrity” of the game.” Integrity? Somebody get that man a dictionary. Take the 3 ½ and Piggies win straight up.
BCS Mondo Enchilada Bowl: Auburn-Oregon: Have you ever seen an Arena League game? Yeah, me neither. But it’ll be kinda like that. The first team to punt loses. And Cam Newton isn’t losing to anybody, let alone to a team called the Ducks. Looking at something like 42-37. Tigers win it all (and cover 3).
NFL Snack Pack
Cowboys at Eagles: Michael Vick lost to Minnesota, which is Latin for, “Take the MVP, Tom Brady, it’s yours.” Eagles cover 6 ½.
Vikings at Lions: If Brett Favre thinks a $50,000 fine for sexting pictures of “Little Brett” to Jenn Sterger is steep, just wait until he gets the bill from his (ex-)wife, Deanna. Detroit covers 3.
Giants at Redskins: Tom Coughlin had his car towed this week after he parked in Bill Cowher’s space. Giants win, but take Washington and 4.
“In any bet, there is a fool and a thief.” — Proverb
Last week (dreadful): 2-6 straight up, 2-6 against the line.
Bottom line (not dreadful): 134-50 straight up, 96-85-3 against the line.
You can jump into the “Sack Schultz” bowl contest at any time and win an iPad! The games have started, but don’t worry because early bowls count only one point each and there’s like 12,000. Click here for more info or go to ajc.com/go/sack-schultz to enter.