Falcons win, Dogs win and Fox is playing human ‘Frogger’

chalk

Hello, and welcome back to the world of football, or as Tucker Carlson likes to call it, “Nothing But A League of Thugs and Degenerates and Serial Killers Who Should All Should All Be Thrown Into a Vat Of Face-Melting Acid, Like When Jack Napier Turned Into The Joker On Batman. Except For The Short White Kickers, I Like Those Guys.”

If you missed it, Carlson — fighting for relevancy in the growing mutant world of psychotic political commentators — called for the execution of Michael Vick this week for crimes against past Labradors, never mind the 23 months he already spent in prison and the loss of 27 gazillion dollars. I think it pretty much confirms Vick is not on Carlson’s Fantasy League team.

Personally, I believe Carlson should be sentenced to one game of human “Frogger.” That’s the other unbelievably true story this week: a Clemson man (not Dabo Swinney) thought it would be

For final standings, start in upper-left and go clockwise.

For final NFC South standings, start in upper-left and go clockwise.

fun to mimic the video game “Frogger” and try to run across a busy highway without getting tenderized. Seriously, this guy actually yelled, “Go!” and then took off.

It was a short game. He got smacked by an SUV. Somehow, he lived. Obviously he didn’t suffer any brain damage since he already was at base level.

I’m thinking John Fox feels like the frog about now. The Carolina coach knows he’s toast after losing to the Falcons on Sunday. Asked about speculation on his firing, he said: “This is not new news. It’s a finishing. It’s kind of been knowledgeable for a couple years.” Nice to have a two-year warning. Most are lucky to get two weeks.

This week, the Falcons face Fox’s Panthers, who are one bad quarterback short of qualifying for aid from FEMA. The Falcons are trying to close out the NFC South Division title and home field through the playoffs. If they can’t beat this bunch, they should be forced to watch Tucker Carlson diatribes on an endless loop. (OK, maybe not. That would violate the Geneva Convention.)

The line is 14 points. That’s a lot. But there’s pent up anger from the loss to New Orleans. I say: Go! Falcons win and cover.

Here’s John Fox’s video resume the last two years

And just because it’s even more unbelievable the second time, Carlson on Vick

Bowl Parade (Chronologically but Illogically)

(Repeating Liberty and Chick-fil-A picks from a week ago because I had my days off, or maybe my brain.)

In case you wondered what Caleb King looked like.

The Caleb King: The legend, the myth.

Liberty: Georgia-Central Florida: The Dogs will be without Caleb King, who is academically ineligible, which is a change from him being arrested or suspended or injured (or thinking he’s injured). Dude: When does the light bulb go on? Enjoy four quarters of A.J. Green. Then say goodbye. His jersey hits eBay at about 7 p.m. Friday. Dogs cover 6 ½.

Chick-fil-A: South Carolina-Florida State: Steve Spurrier accepted this bowl bid only after assurances that Cam Newton wouldn’t be in the Dome again. He won’t, but Cecil Newton will be in the parking lot selling Cam’s old shoes. Roosters cover 3.

Outback: Florida-Penn State: I’m less amazed that Joe Paterno, at the age of 84, can still coach 18-year-olds than I am that Hugh Hefner, at the age of 84, can coach 24-year-olds. Say hello to the new Mrs. Hefner: Crystal Harris, Miss December 2009, 34D-25-35-56 (breasts-waist-hips-IQ). Does Paterno take blue pills, too. And speaking of pills, this is Urban Meyer’s last game. Gators win but take Penn State and 7 ½.

Capital One: Alabama-Michigan State: Nick Saban goes from having the best team in the country to the second best team in the state, although I might be shortchanging Troy (which had a better conference record). Tide covers 10.

It was true love from the moment Hugh pick out her -- never mind.

Hugh surprised Crystal with a ring and 34Ds.

Gator: Mississippi State-Michigan: Dan Mullen leads Mississippi State to the school’s 15th bowl game in 116 years. That should make a dandy final entry on the resume. By the way, how are housing prices in Athens? Other Dogs cover 5.

Orange: Stanford-Virginia Tech: Frank Beamer just won the inaugural Joe Paterno Coach Of The Year Award because there’s no rule prohibiting the winner from losing to James Madison. Take the 3½ but VaTech wins this straight up.

Sugar: Ohio State-Arkansas: Sugar Bowl CEO Paul Hoolahan admits he asked Ohio State not to suspend six players for the bowl game for selling memorabilia because he wanted to “preserve the integrity” of the game.” Integrity? Somebody get that man a dictionary. Take the 3 ½ and Piggies win straight up.

BCS Mondo Enchilada Bowl: Auburn-Oregon: Have you ever seen an Arena League game? Yeah, me neither. But it’ll be kinda like that. The first team to punt loses. And Cam Newton isn’t losing to anybody, let alone to a team called the Ducks. Looking at something like 42-37. Tigers win it all (and cover 3).

NFL Snack Pack

Cowboys at Eagles: Michael Vick lost to Minnesota, which is Latin for, “Take the MVP, Tom Brady, it’s yours.” Eagles cover 6 ½.

Vikings at Lions: If Brett Favre thinks a $50,000 fine for sexting pictures of “Little Brett” to Jenn Sterger is steep, just wait until he gets the bill from his (ex-)wife, Deanna. Detroit covers 3.

Giants at Redskins: Tom Coughlin had his car towed this week after he parked in Bill Cowher’s space. Giants win, but take Washington and 4.

money large

The Toteboard

“In any bet, there is a fool and a thief.” — Proverb

Last week (dreadful): 2-6 straight up, 2-6 against  the line.

Bottom line (not dreadful): 134-50 straight up, 96-85-3 against the line.

LogoGrass_652173a

Sack Schultz

You can jump into the “Sack Schultz” bowl contest at any time and win an iPad! The games have started, but don’t worry because early bowls count only one point each and there’s like 12,000.  Click here for more info or go to ajc.com/go/sack-schultz to enter.

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC; friend me at Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

567 comments Add your comment

Victorious Sakrete

December 30th, 2010
5:32 am

Jeff, if you have any talent, you might want to demonstrate it soon. Your paper is bleeding red ink.

More cutbacks are imminent.

Erik

December 30th, 2010
6:33 am

Jeff, 34D-25-35-56 (breasts-waist-hips-IQ). 56??? Really??? HAhahahaha!!

I agreed with Carlson, especially about Obama.

Vain Jangling

December 30th, 2010
6:35 am

Ted Striker

December 30th, 2010
6:42 am

I cannot believe I just watched a youtube video of someone else playing Frogger.

4 times.

Buckeye

December 30th, 2010
6:52 am

Memphis kick-off forecast: 66 with 60% chance of showers. Sounds like fun!

ryan

December 30th, 2010
7:12 am

If you go to a gym you have to read this article http://ramsonsports.blogspot.com/

Don

December 30th, 2010
7:14 am

Jeff,
Apparently hyperbole is the exclusive domain of sports writers. Give Carlson a break.

TommyP

December 30th, 2010
7:29 am

You’re a moron if the Carlson comment riles you up. And you’re probably lacking what Hefner is getting.

You Ain't-Know Gaily Whacker

December 30th, 2010
7:29 am

The Reporter: Mr. McGarity, do you have any disappointments this year ?

McGarity: A few. I wish our Dr.Pepper defense had been successful, you know when you make a tackle on the second, fourth, and tenth play.

I wish the NCAA had allowed me to spray the football with liquor, so our players wouldn’t fumble as much. Mr. Leebern was going to donate the spirits.

I regret that the next level we reached wasn’t up, but this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHHJsXH3BiU

Starring Kam Fong as Chin Ho

December 30th, 2010
7:32 am

Jeff, I keep seeing the ads for “sack Schultz” yet you are still here. I’ll try it….. Schultz, you’re fired.

Beast from the East

December 30th, 2010
7:33 am

Tucker Carlson is an idiot, but that would be a fitting end for Mr. Vick.

JSS

December 30th, 2010
7:53 am

“he wanted to “preserve the integrity” of the game.” Sounds right to me; but it is a bowl game; they never had any integrity! That is especially true of the Sugar and the old version of the Gator Bowl (during the height of segregation and until the early 70’s) which were nothing but football versions of first cousins getting married. Gee, but that is what the Chick-fil-a Bowl is! “Pa, get the jug, Couz is marrying Couz Sue on Sat-ur-day night!”

JB

December 30th, 2010
7:59 am

Don’t know if I’m sold on Mullen being the “face” of the Dawgs….He’s a little rough around the edges, and all Tech nerds will belly laugh at this, But Vince and Mark, regardless of what you think of them as coach’s, you never cringed when they spoke in public or on the air representing UGA. They both have class. Mullen appears to sound and act and look like a guy from the engine room of a Navy ship after working two shifts…..I say all that, because appearances are important to Georgia folk. Just my 2 cents.

Benjamin

December 30th, 2010
8:03 am

LLighten up, fellas. This was a HILARIOUS read. Loved the jokes and agree with most of the picks… Penn State is going to send Urban out with a loss, though. Go Nittanies!

JB

December 30th, 2010
8:04 am

righteous…..Funny stuff. I like your post .

Benjamin

December 30th, 2010
8:07 am

JB, good point re Dan Mullen. The guy can coach, though. He will be hired elsewhere if another big name job opens up…

JB

December 30th, 2010
8:18 am

Benjamin…..Yes he will, and I think Miami missed the boat on this guy….He’s well known and connected in Florida from being on that Gator staff.

Nauti-Dawg

December 30th, 2010
8:18 am

Vick looked almost human Tuesday – but I still don’t want him coming to the Dome.

O’leary wants the UGA game worse than Ricth I’m afraid –
http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2010-12-16/sports/os-ucf-georgia-george-oleary-1217-20101216_1_jeff-godfrey-ucf-coach-george-godsey

Erik you are an ignorant dumb-a$$ – get enlightened, turn off Fox & on the Daily Show.

Big Dude

December 30th, 2010
8:19 am

Schultz, let Carson go. He’s controling you!
Good work righteous. Falcons’ first play is a run off left tackle.

Big Dude

December 30th, 2010
8:20 am

Sorry, that’s Carlson. I left out the “L”

TheAntiMe

December 30th, 2010
8:20 am

Strange stuff this week, Jeff, no doubt. So does this column now make you the AJC’s official Dogger, Frogger, Blogger? :D

SimpleDawg

December 30th, 2010
8:26 am

This past Tuesday, Eagle Vick reverted to Falcon Vick. Ouch.

Falcons’ offense this past Monday night looked more like Marion Campbell’s offenses…….offensive. The Falcons had better find a way to score points on offense. They had opportunities to win the Monday night game, but got stoned by the Saints. Matty Ice melted in the Saints’ glow…….Roddy should close his mouth to reduce the wind drag, and maybe he can run by some people. Sunday would be a good time to air-out the playbook, but it can’t happen unless the O-line knocks the other guys on their asses.

The Dawgs better not sleep on UCF……the Dawggies need to win this game BIG…..real BIG.

The Buckeyes are what we thought they are……..a dirty sacred cow.

Scamson and the Looters have Duck for dinner on Jan 10.

reebok

December 30th, 2010
8:26 am

hilarious, jeff. as usual. tucker carlson works for FOX ‘news,’ that means he’s paid to be an idiot.

Dawg A

December 30th, 2010
8:28 am

Jeff…. you saw what the Carlson blog done yesterday but yet you bring it back up? I try to get you but this time you are way over the top!!!

Howard

December 30th, 2010
8:30 am

Jeff…your liberalism is on display in a sports column again…where it is not welcome. True what Tucker Carlson said was moronic. I truly feel Vick has every right to play in the NFL if guys like Pacman Jones or Ray Lewis are plying their trade. But I dare say if Keith Olberman or Tony Cornheiser had said the same thing, we would have heard nary a peep from you. Face Fox News is killing every other major news network and I know that irks your bosses at the AJC. Get off the Carlson rant and write sports at which you excel. Oh, PETA and their wackos and some Hollywood animal rights weirdos probably said the same thing about Vick too. I’m all for Vick playing…at least he went to Levenworth and did his time like a man. And he’s light years ahead of Bret Favre for someone I admire and respect. I’m just deading the thought of Vick and Co. playing Falcons in NFC title game and defeating the Falcons.

juice sourcer

December 30th, 2010
8:32 am

FOX news should be executed. On the other hand does anyone even watch?

Kirk

December 30th, 2010
8:35 am

It seems like a lot of people forget that football is a game. Lighten up people. Great column Jeff, keep it up.

SWGADAWG

December 30th, 2010
8:44 am

Did Tucker Carlson pay you to make him famous or do you have some wierd man love for him??? Give it a rest already…..

Jack

December 30th, 2010
8:46 am

Jeff — Sports are an escape from politics. Don’t destroy the escape by attacking Fox News ad nauseum just as you did Rush Limbaugh a few months back. You had your column on Tucker Carlson, and it’s time to move on to other topics.

Buckeye

December 30th, 2010
8:48 am

I read here on ajc.com that UGA has only sold 5,000 or their 10,000 seat allottment for Memphis. Another .500 record for this season to go along with 6 and 6!

Win some, lose some.

Falcon fan

December 30th, 2010
8:49 am

Not a Vick fan but I like Mike much better thatn anyone on the Fox staff.

Someone needs to kidnapp Hannity and Carlson lock them in a jail cell and perform Anal text on them for about 10 hours straight.

I would pay big to watch that!!!!! Speaking of big.

Go Falcons!!

Dave

December 30th, 2010
8:49 am

juice sourcer, you bet they watch. In fact, more people watch Fox than ANY other cable news source. Just because they show another side to the issues instead of groveling at the feet of Obozo, you dismiss them. What Carlson said was an acronym. He has already said that he didn’t mean to LITERALLT execute (kill) Vick, he meant it as he thought he should have gotten a lot worse. But that’s just his opinion. Just like Oberman has all of his rediculous opinions.

Jeff, I like your picks and the SEC should do well this bowl season, but Florida will lose. No offense.

Chess

December 30th, 2010
8:52 am

JDawg

December 30th, 2010
8:53 am

First pic ever of Hef without pjs on.

“Spurrier accepted this bowl bid only after assurances that Cam Newton wouldn’t be in the Dome again.”
****************************
Great line, Jeff!

juice sourcer,

um, yes, lot’s of folks watch Fox News.

Paul H

December 30th, 2010
8:56 am

Jeff, I thought Tucker Carlson thought they should be thrown into a vat of toxic acid, like that dude in Robocop. You with me?

Arno

December 30th, 2010
8:58 am

Deriding the Falcon’s offence is like saying you should be able to count to ten in eight steps.

don

December 30th, 2010
8:58 am

@ juice; I think a simple, quick check of the ratings are in order. Here’s a hint…..FOX absolutely destroys any other news outlet. Not even close. And there’s a reason. Tune in, get enlightened.

Jeff; keep ‘em coming!

Superior Court

December 30th, 2010
8:59 am

I guess Caleb King finally paid his Walton County speeding ticket.

How did the ‘Hit and Run’ trial for Washaun Ealey turn out ?

idot

December 30th, 2010
9:01 am

juice sourcer………..Plenty of people watch FOX, and use it as their only news source.
FEAUX News Network watchers are the most misinformed, of all the news organizations viewers and readers.
I heard that they are planning to change their name, from FOX News to the Republican Entertainment Network, or RET.

idot

December 30th, 2010
9:04 am

“get enlightened”?

JDawg

December 30th, 2010
9:06 am

Haha, keep on believing that garbage, idot . . .

FishFace

December 30th, 2010
9:07 am

NOBODY can stop Paul Johnson’s option offense

idot

December 30th, 2010
9:09 am

Sorry, should have been FAUX News Network.

joe

December 30th, 2010
9:12 am

What, no Music city bowl pick Jeff? I’ll make it for you:

Tenn 31 UNC 21

Raymond James

December 30th, 2010
9:13 am

I hope Tampa Bay upsets the sAINTS.

ArmsBendBack

December 30th, 2010
9:24 am

Shouldn’t an actual elected official be mentioned in an article before the article is considered “political”?

Paul in RDU

December 30th, 2010
9:26 am

Amusing as always Jeff.
I had to listen to the Fox clip for the most hilarious comment – “I am a Christian, I believe in 2nd chances but Michael Vick killed dogs…… he should have been executed”. Must be a different version of Christianity than the one the nuns taught me.

TONE

December 30th, 2010
9:26 am

Georgia’s next head coach will not be Mullen but his last name will start with an M. this comes straight from a reliable source almost as reliable as a Golden Coral employee.

Bubba Bean

December 30th, 2010
9:27 am

Jeff,

Your left-leaning bully pulpit gets a little old at times, but you do write some funny stuff. Leave the politics out and keep up the good work.

By the way, I agree. Tucker Carlson is an idiot!

Sonny Clusters

December 30th, 2010
9:31 am

We was reading where Arthur Blank got sick with the vapors when he saw the Saints posing for that post-game photo at mid-field and he was so mad that he ripped off his muffler and threw it to the ground. Did you witness that, Jeff?