And on some Tuesday after Christmas, my bookie gave to me . . .
12 Goodell’s a fining, 11 Shananans a tanking, 11 Kiffins a clucking, 10 Petrinos a oinking, nine more Goodell’s a fining because baby needs a new pair of Porsches!, eight Atlanta Spirit owners a cash calling, seven Favre’s a sexting (five intercepted), six Jenn Sterger careers a flopping (next stop: The Club Bada Bing), five Ohio Staters a tattooing, four Kim Zolciak’s a prowling (step back, Kroy, it’s a trap!), three Roddy Whites a Tweeting, two Beverly Halls a lying and one Rex Ryan foot fetish video but don’t ask me about it because it’s private and that’s why we put it on YouTube.
(My wife wanted me to do a Christmas rhyme. But after re-reading “Green Eggs and Ham,” I thought: I can’t top this. So you get a run-on-sentence and maybe some socks. Happy happy.)
We head into the final two weeks of Weekend Predictions. Let me just remind all active members of our investment club that you have kept alive a tradition of failing to mail me my 10 percent commission in time for the holidays, or ever. This information does not come cheap. Pay up or I’ll have Roddy White open a can of whoop-Tweet on you.
This week, the Falcons face New Orleans. Please, no matches inside the dome. Blood-alcohol levels could peel paint. The Saints lost to the Falcons in week three and haven’t gotten over it since. The Falcons haven’t lost a home game all season. Win this and they won’t have to go on the road again until the final game in Dallas.
How many statement games must one team play? Well, here’s one more. Falcons win and cover 2½.
Last Tango in Shreveport
Liberty (Georgia-Central Florida): Georgia fans confuse me. I get inundated with flaming emails from one side when I criticize the program, then I get mocked and pounded by the other side when I write that Mark Richt deserves another year to try to fix the problems. Maybe I should just make George O’Leary jokes and then both sides will be happy. Win or lose, you can say goodbye A.J. Green. By the way, what’s a Liberty Bowl jersey go for on the street? Doggies cover 6½.
Independence (Georgia Tech-Air Force): So Shreveport hosts Georgia one year and Tech the next. Isn’t there a bowl rule preventing the Independence Bowl from taking a state school for the third straight year because I was thinking we can invoke the cruel-and-inhuman-punishment clause next season and make them pick from, I dunno, North Dakota. It’s the Auburn-Oregon Alternate Universe: Two option offenses. Oh look, a dive play. Jackets win (take the 3).
Chick-fil-A (South Carolina-FSU): It’s Steve Spurrier against his former Florida rival opponent, the one he once dubbed, “Free Shoes University.” Spurrier accepted this bowl bid only after assurances that Cam Newton would not be in the Georgia Dome again. He won’t, but Cecil Newton will be in the parking lot selling Cam’s old shoes. Roosters covers 3.
Military Bowl (East Carolina-Maryland): The Military Bowl seems like an appropriate game for the Terps, considering they just water-boarded Ralph Friedgen. Terps win, but take East Carolina and 7½.
See more flawless bowl projections on the Sack Schultz bowl contest page.
Learned the other day that Will Ferrell’s father, Lee Ferrell, played keyboards for the Righteous Brothers. So I was thinking, with so many in Bulldog Nation turning on Mark Richt, why not this little tune?
NFL Snack Pack
Jets at Bears: So a series of foot-fetish videos emerge on YouTube starring somebody who appears to be Rex Ryan’s wife, Michelle. One of the videos is called, “Hot Mature Sexy Feet.” When asked to comment by the warm-and-cuddly New York media, Ryan said only, “This is a personal matter,” and then he smiled at an anchor woman’s three-inch heels (OK, that part I made up). I’m sure there’s a simple explanation for all this. Maybe the Ryans were simply playing, “This little piggy went to the S&M store.” Take the gift 1 but Jets win straight up.
Giants at Packers: Aaron Rodgers has been cleared by an “independent” neurologist to play. You’ll recognize him Sunday because he’ll be the only “independent” neurologist wearing a cheesehead. Take New York and 3 and in a straight upset.
Vikings at Eagles: Are we sure the Vikings weren’t actually in the Metrodome when the roof caved in, because even most corpses wouldn’t give up 40 points at home to the Bears. Eagles cover 14.
Colts at Raiders: Before this season, what would the odds have been that Oakland could be in position to knock Indianapolis out of a playoff spot and finish with a better record? Now that I led you one way, it’s not happening: Colts cover 3.
Redskins at Jaguars: The Redskins just promoted Mike Shanahan from coach to captain. As in Queeg. Jags cover 7.
“The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.” — Heywood Broun
Last week: 7-3 straight up, 6-4 against the line.
Bottom dollars: 132-44 straight up, 94-79-3 against the line.
Enter the “Sack Schultz” bowl contest and win an iPad! The bowls have started but don’t worry. Early games count only one point each and there’s like 12,000 bowls. Click here for more info or go to ajc.com/go/sack-schultz to enter.
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