Weekend Predictions: Falcons win, Saints lose and we dance

fish

Before we get to startling revelations like the Metrodome’s Hefty Bag roof being unable to hold 27 tons of snow (What Wendy’s is that architect working at now?), and Real Housetwit Kim Zolciak saying she’s writing a relationships book (Scarecrow and Kroy Biermann, meet fire), and Jets strength coach Sal Alosi admitting he asked his henchmen to form an assault line on an NFL sideline while he attempted to maim opponents (Did he and Tonya Harding meet on eHarmony?), we spread some holiday cheer:

Festive strippers!

I love Las Vegas. A friend of mine once described it as the United State on steroids, which is true, and begs the question: Do implants count as performance-enhancing drugs?

Wow. I want to go to the North Pole.

Wow. I want to go to the North Pole.

Anyway, last year one of the keepers of the strippers bought a truck, replaced the sides with Plexiglass, put a stripper pole in the back and created his own little fun house on wheels for marketing purposes while Santa and his Elv-ettes delivered toys. This worked out really well, until the rolling strip club caused something like 612 accidents and one kid walked out of a Toys ‘R Us, saying, “Mommy, mommy! I don’t want the Play-Doh Fun Factory! I want one of those!”

Alas, some Las Vegas residents complained that the Strippermobile ran counter to family values, prompting the uncaring mayor to respond: “Move.”

Well, the Strippermobile was out again this week, and the young lasses decided to tame themselves. They delivered bikes and toys and were practically full clothed. These wore red dresses and leggings and blew kisses and young boys were still overheard saying, “I’m so done with Play Doh.”

(Transition coming.)

Meanwhile, there will be no strippers in Seattle Sunday. It’s too cold. Just a football game and hopefully no attempts to maim by a psychotic strength coach. The Falcons can clinch a playoff spot if they beat the Seahawks, or the Giants, Bears or Packers lose. More importantly, if they win, the need to beat New Orleans next week for a division title and home field in the playoffs diminishes.

Seattle is coached by Pete Carroll. Would’ve been more fun if Jim Mora was there. The explosions would keep everybody warm.

No matter. The love truck rolls again!

Falcons cover 6.

Another look at Sal Alosi and his gang of thugs

Bowl Season!

(Sorta. OK, not really, yet)

New Mexico: BYU vs. Texas El-Intercepted Passo (copyright, original “Bottom Ten,” 1970s): This bowl is a result of “the culmination of a collective effort of people with a vision in a state on the move.” Question: If New Mexico is a “state on the move” and extends bowl invitations to two 6-6 teams, including UTEP, which lost five of its last six, what does it look like standing still? Because to me New Mexico looks like South Dakota. BYU covers 11 ½.

Humanitarian: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State: This should be easy for you, Georgia fans: Fresno State is called the Bulldogs. The team with snow tubing, which I believe you can’t do in the San Joaquin Valley. Dogs in an upset! (take the 1).

New Orleans: Troy vs. Ohio: You might say, “What’s this little Alabama school doing in a bowl?” But Troy won its final two games, which I believe puts it ahead of Alabama. Roll Troy! The 1 ½ is covered.

The Advocare Independence Bowl has come up with “Advocare V-100 Shuffle”! Dance, Georgia Tech fans! (Oy?)

NFL Six Pack

Bears at Vikings: The Bears say they wore the wrong cleats in a 36-7 loss to New England. The game was in Chicago. They LIVE in Chicago. Did they walk into Soldier Field on Sunday, slap their foreheads and say, “OMG! Snow!” They didn’t wear the wrong cleats. They wore the wrong heads. Bears cover 3.

Jets at Steelers: This week, Rex Ryan is having players throw leeches and scorpions at any Steeler who tries to make a tackle during the punt return. Pittsburgh covers 6.

Sorry, Mike. Nothing personal. I just can't go there yet.

Sorry, Mike. Nothing personal. I just can't go there yet.

Eagles at Giants: Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again. Can’t we just work this like a 10-step program? We start him with a picture of poker-playing dogs and see how that goes. Giants cover 2½.

Saints at Ravens: Speaking of teams with known felonious tendencies, Baltimore Ravens really aren’t all that scary any more on defense. Actual factual: They have blown fourth-quarter leads in eight games. That said, Saints are due for a fall. Ravens cover 2½.

Packers at Patriots: New England has won its last two over the Jets and Bears by a combined score of 81-10. Somewhere, Randy Moss weeps. New England covers 11.

Texans at Titans: Bill Cowher is scheduled to put both teams through drills before the game, just so he can decide which one he wants to coach next year. Titans cover 1½.

moneyToteboard

Last week (feh): 5-3 straight up, 4-4 against the line.

Mondo overall profit margins: 125-41 straight up, 88-75-3 against the line.

LogoGrass_652173aHave you entered the “Sack Schultz Bowl Contest” yet? Time is running out. Games start Saturday. Just pick the winners and you can win an iPad! And the best thing is, I’m not even paying for it! Click here for more info or go to ajc.com/go/sack-schultz to enter.

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

347 comments Add your comment

gtjacket44

December 16th, 2010
3:33 pm

gtjacket44

December 16th, 2010
3:34 pm

And the Falcons cover 6 easy this week. This team doesnt seem like the type to take an opponent lightly.

Sanford Drive

December 16th, 2010
3:36 pm

(((((42-34))))) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Paul in RDU

December 16th, 2010
3:37 pm

Jeff – I believe that implants are to strippers what corked bats are to baseball players

wow

December 16th, 2010
3:37 pm

know one cares the phils got Lee

Saints Bleaux

December 16th, 2010
3:38 pm

WHO DAT???

FALCONS DAT!!! DATS WHO!!!!

(((((27-24)))))

Lassie

December 16th, 2010
3:39 pm

Timmy, help me……Vick is looking for a dog!

mike vick

December 16th, 2010
3:41 pm

lanier

December 16th, 2010
3:42 pm

Falcons in the first cakewalk in years

82Dawg

December 16th, 2010
3:44 pm

Are they giving that video with every $14 ticket when a Tech fan purchase’s one?

FalconUGAFan

December 16th, 2010
3:45 pm

Great Bill Cowher line….I like all of your picks particularly the Saints for a fall

AlwaysAVol

December 16th, 2010
3:46 pm

Paul in RDU..who cares?

BREAKING NEWS

December 16th, 2010
3:47 pm

Cam Newton just announced that he is returning to Auburn for his senior season.

AlwaysAVol

December 16th, 2010
3:47 pm

That’s like talking difference between butter and margarine. One of them’s fake but it still tastes just as good.

Freshmaker

December 16th, 2010
3:51 pm

Lanier, you mean in the last few days. 31 – 10 over the Panthers was easy peasy.

How bout them . . . . . . . . . . . . 11-2 Falcons

December 16th, 2010
3:57 pm

Keep taking those Advocare V100 tablets.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Brad Loveland, Kartel ATLien, Angel Johnson, Randi Himes, Sean Womble and others. Sean Womble said: RT @JeffSchultzAJC: Weekend Predictions: Falcons win, Saints lose and we dance http://bit.ly/hv8VjU [...]

Lance

December 16th, 2010
4:10 pm

Falcons 28, Seahawks 17

Steve

December 16th, 2010
4:19 pm

Jeff no Thursday Night Internet Special??? 49ers and San Diego.

Calibre Lake Dawg

December 16th, 2010
4:28 pm

I know you wanted to keep mike bell away from your daughters but I’m a young guy with a good job…throw this dawg a bone!

What Up Wid Dat?

December 16th, 2010
4:35 pm

Let’s see, the most important game of the weekend when it comes to the playoffs (Colts and Jags, loser goes home) and it doesn’t even get an honorable mention. Probably because it involves the Jaguars. We all whine about the Falcons not getting any national coverage, what about those poor guys? They have not had a single blackout this year, yet everyone still uses them as the poster child for blackouts.

Moonpie

December 16th, 2010
4:36 pm

Schultz,

Im in tears! That read was a classic-Kudo’s my friend!

Ijery Proon

December 16th, 2010
4:38 pm

I think you are correct JS,,,, Ravens beat the Aints and the Birds role on the west coast,,,

randie

December 16th, 2010
4:38 pm

Coons—33 Sead!cks—17
New Orleeeeeeeans Blowhards—-23 Ravenettes—-28

Vain Jangling

December 16th, 2010
4:54 pm

That Sal Alosi story just gets curiouser and curiouser. Just read online that new video shows he’d arranged for the Rockettes to be at the ready to kick the crap out of Nolan Carroll if that tripping thing didn’t pan out. The girls were hiding behind Rex Ryan’s gullet.

And note to Schultz: Actually, Mora “implodes.” As in, “to break down or fall apart from within; self-destruct.” Except for being a Falcons fan, it’s always fun to watch.

AU Fan

December 16th, 2010
4:58 pm

No mention of Cam Newton ????????????????? :(

Shawn

December 16th, 2010
5:00 pm

Saints win, then march into Atl to give the Falcons a home dome thumping. Then win the NFC South. The Falcons are one of the most overrated teams in the NFL!

jarvis

December 16th, 2010
5:01 pm

What’s an “Advocare”?

Ijery Proon

December 16th, 2010
5:07 pm

You are correct JS,,, Falcons Role,,, Aints get beat by Ravens,,,,
Go Flacons!

Ijery Proon

December 16th, 2010
5:09 pm

Sorry for the Repeat,,, Aints are the most overrated team in the NFL,,, there

Vain Jangling

December 16th, 2010
5:11 pm

When you’re a Jet,
You’re a Jet all the way
From your first tripped cover man
To your last dyin’ day

Yeah . . . You’re right. I’ve got better things to be doing. I’ll shut up and get back to work.

Delbert D.

December 16th, 2010
5:12 pm

Hey, the FCS All-America teams are announced. A shout out to 4 Georgia Southern guys, Brent Russell, Brett Moore, Adrian Mora and Laron Scott.

Among the most interesting names are Tysson Poots, Southern Utah and Austin Zlab, N. Iowa.

Ijery Proon

December 16th, 2010
5:16 pm

Carefull there Randie,,, that will get you BAND!

Delbert D.

December 16th, 2010
5:16 pm

“What’s an “Advocare”?”

It’s a cross breed between an avacado and a grape.

Really?

December 16th, 2010
5:18 pm

No mention for the battle of the AFC South this weekend? WOW!

Jags/Colts is a huge game and not a word about it!

Amused

December 16th, 2010
5:25 pm

@82Dawg: I heard on the radio that UGA has only sold 3500 of thier allotted tickets. No room to talk. And Sanford Drive you are an embarassment.

sidslid

December 16th, 2010
5:34 pm

Atlanta sports has had its share of moments. Some sad, a couple glad:

Does D Hall still give Mora rides?

Jim Leyritz is back on the street, but he didn’t kill a dog

Is Eugene Robinson driving the sleigh?

Bobby Petrino about to stop Ohio State’s loss string to SEC at 9

Rex Ryan wrist band: WWJGD-What would Jerry Glanville do?

Our dome survived a direct hit to a tornado. Twinkie Dome? Maybe it is Georgia Tech engineers vs. Purdue

Wrongly Accused: Richard Jewell and Cam Newton

Oaky Woods= Good DEAL

December 16th, 2010
5:39 pm

“FALCONS DAT!!! DATS WHO!!!!”

Don’t ever in your life type that $h&^ again :-|

glc3md

December 16th, 2010
5:44 pm

I’ll take Grimes over D Hall anytime. That kid hustles.

Happy for Vick – hope he doesn’t get a dog for 10 years.

Very happy to have #2 under center for the Falcons for the next 15 years.

5150 P.O.A.D

December 16th, 2010
5:47 pm

Sanford loves posting as close to the 1st so now I want to see HIM!!!!!
Sanford Drive post a pic. Are you a HOT UGA DRUNK CHICK? No? are youa UGA GEEK? MAYBE!.
Jeff let St,Somons never post a score again without a Photo posted and the same for Sanford Drive.

Oaky Woods= Good DEAL

December 16th, 2010
5:48 pm

I’ve got a dog for sale, have Vick’s people contact my people. We can do this.

Sell LIQUOR on SUNDAYS

December 16th, 2010
5:52 pm

*sigh* Another reminder that the end of football season is coming near :-(

Falcon Jim

December 16th, 2010
5:57 pm

I don’t think M.V. would hurt a little Beagle or something…………………….just don’t let him have a Bull that would remind him of the “good ole days.”

JSS

December 16th, 2010
6:06 pm

Where’s the Georgia Southern-Delaware pick? Those kids earn it on the field!!!

nauti-dawg

December 16th, 2010
6:07 pm

I say make Vick take a sissy little poodle with pink bows in her hair.
– and if he reverts to dog fighting,…who cares if the poodle gets it.

Woof Woof !!

NOLA

December 16th, 2010
6:09 pm

hahahaha.

it’s the other way around dude. The ravens are coming off a short week which required travel. they have no chance.

the ravens defense is awful.

‘cons travel west get disoriented by the time difference, fall behind and get their rear ends handed to them.

Schultz you need to return to reality.

carlton

December 16th, 2010
6:09 pm

Uggla @ $12m PER. that’s about 60% of D. Jee-tah, whose best days are in the rear view mirror.

NOLA

December 16th, 2010
6:11 pm

seachicks will blast these soft sissies from the south who can’t play in cold weather.

Sanford Drive

December 16th, 2010
6:18 pm

5150 P.O.A.D,

Ask and ye shall receive, but you still have to guess which one I am:

http://www.123people.ch/s/ugly+people

Barkin'Dog

December 16th, 2010
6:27 pm

Snelling is back! Falcons POUND the sea-birds into submission after getting 3 takeaways. ATL 31-13