Before we get to startling revelations like the Metrodome’s Hefty Bag roof being unable to hold 27 tons of snow (What Wendy’s is that architect working at now?), and Real Housetwit Kim Zolciak saying she’s writing a relationships book (Scarecrow and Kroy Biermann, meet fire), and Jets strength coach Sal Alosi admitting he asked his henchmen to form an assault line on an NFL sideline while he attempted to maim opponents (Did he and Tonya Harding meet on eHarmony?), we spread some holiday cheer:
I love Las Vegas. A friend of mine once described it as the United State on steroids, which is true, and begs the question: Do implants count as performance-enhancing drugs?
Anyway, last year one of the keepers of the strippers bought a truck, replaced the sides with Plexiglass, put a stripper pole in the back and created his own little fun house on wheels for marketing purposes while Santa and his Elv-ettes delivered toys. This worked out really well, until the rolling strip club caused something like 612 accidents and one kid walked out of a Toys ‘R Us, saying, “Mommy, mommy! I don’t want the Play-Doh Fun Factory! I want one of those!”
Alas, some Las Vegas residents complained that the Strippermobile ran counter to family values, prompting the uncaring mayor to respond: “Move.”
Well, the Strippermobile was out again this week, and the young lasses decided to tame themselves. They delivered bikes and toys and were practically full clothed. These wore red dresses and leggings and blew kisses and young boys were still overheard saying, “I’m so done with Play Doh.”
Meanwhile, there will be no strippers in Seattle Sunday. It’s too cold. Just a football game and hopefully no attempts to maim by a psychotic strength coach. The Falcons can clinch a playoff spot if they beat the Seahawks, or the Giants, Bears or Packers lose. More importantly, if they win, the need to beat New Orleans next week for a division title and home field in the playoffs diminishes.
Seattle is coached by Pete Carroll. Would’ve been more fun if Jim Mora was there. The explosions would keep everybody warm.
No matter. The love truck rolls again!
Falcons cover 6.
Another look at Sal Alosi and his gang of thugs
(Sorta. OK, not really, yet)
New Mexico: BYU vs. Texas El-Intercepted Passo (copyright, original “Bottom Ten,” 1970s): This bowl is a result of “the culmination of a collective effort of people with a vision in a state on the move.” Question: If New Mexico is a “state on the move” and extends bowl invitations to two 6-6 teams, including UTEP, which lost five of its last six, what does it look like standing still? Because to me New Mexico looks like South Dakota. BYU covers 11 ½.
Humanitarian: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State: This should be easy for you, Georgia fans: Fresno State is called the Bulldogs. The team with snow tubing, which I believe you can’t do in the San Joaquin Valley. Dogs in an upset! (take the 1).
New Orleans: Troy vs. Ohio: You might say, “What’s this little Alabama school doing in a bowl?” But Troy won its final two games, which I believe puts it ahead of Alabama. Roll Troy! The 1 ½ is covered.
The Advocare Independence Bowl has come up with “Advocare V-100 Shuffle”! Dance, Georgia Tech fans! (Oy?)
NFL Six Pack
Bears at Vikings: The Bears say they wore the wrong cleats in a 36-7 loss to New England. The game was in Chicago. They LIVE in Chicago. Did they walk into Soldier Field on Sunday, slap their foreheads and say, “OMG! Snow!” They didn’t wear the wrong cleats. They wore the wrong heads. Bears cover 3.
Jets at Steelers: This week, Rex Ryan is having players throw leeches and scorpions at any Steeler who tries to make a tackle during the punt return. Pittsburgh covers 6.
Eagles at Giants: Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again. Can’t we just work this like a 10-step program? We start him with a picture of poker-playing dogs and see how that goes. Giants cover 2½.
Saints at Ravens: Speaking of teams with known felonious tendencies, Baltimore Ravens really aren’t all that scary any more on defense. Actual factual: They have blown fourth-quarter leads in eight games. That said, Saints are due for a fall. Ravens cover 2½.
Packers at Patriots: New England has won its last two over the Jets and Bears by a combined score of 81-10. Somewhere, Randy Moss weeps. New England covers 11.
Texans at Titans: Bill Cowher is scheduled to put both teams through drills before the game, just so he can decide which one he wants to coach next year. Titans cover 1½.
Last week (feh): 5-3 straight up, 4-4 against the line.
Mondo overall profit margins: 125-41 straight up, 88-75-3 against the line.
Have you entered the “Sack Schultz Bowl Contest” yet? Time is running out. Games start Saturday. Just pick the winners and you can win an iPad! And the best thing is, I’m not even paying for it! Click here for more info or go to ajc.com/go/sack-schultz to enter.