Weekend Predictions: Cam Newton and Auburn conquer all

Before this season’s final week of dead, solid, perfect, financial locks — give or take an Alabama meltdown and the forgotten inevitability that Steve Spurrier would make Dabo Swinney look like he had a head full of nougat (what was I thinking picking Clemson last week?) — we have this update from the world of high of finance:

Stanley Ho, a billionaire casino owner in Macau (of course), who clearly has money and nougat to burn, won an action. For a castle? No. A vintage car? No. Video of Brett Favre’s last pass completion? No.

Rather, Stanley Ho, billionaire, just paid $330,000 for two white “truffles,” which is French for, “Fungus found in dirt or sometimes under old chicken lo mein forgotten in the back of fridge and often resembling the facial expression of Nick Saban after blowing a 24-0 lead at home. Roll [Over] Tide!”

Mmmm. Delectable, delicious fungus. Does that come with fries?

So Stanley Ho paid $165,000 each for two pieces of fungus. You know, there actually was a time when I thought A.J. Green deserved an MBA for getting $1,000 for his Independence Bowl jersey. Now I’m thinking he got ripped off.

Even Cecil “Huggy Bear” Newton didn’t ask for $330,000 when he was pimping his son to Mississippi State.  And Cam isn’t even a fungus!

Seriously, I don’t know what Cam Newton is. Some indestructible being? Did he conquer Tokyo with Godzilla and Monster Zero? Regardless of whether you think this kid is wholesome or dirtier than his Polluted Padre, this dude is an unrockable rock star. I’m not sure there has ever — ever — been a college player who has performed at the level he has while all of the world outside of Auburn looked at him and thought: “You sir, are fungus, at $180,000 to $200,000 retail.”

And so, as much I’d like to crawl out on the upset limb in the SEC championship game, I can’t do it. South Carolina is good. But not that good. And whatever happened last week in Tuscaloosa must have something to do with cosmic forces. This team’s not losing. The line is 5. Auburn wins the SEC and covers.

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Look out! It’s the three-headed Cam-Monster Zero!

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Not Involving Cam Newton

ACC championship: Virginia Tech has won 10 straight since losing to James Madison. Here’s an idea: Schedule JMU for the spring game instead next year. Florida State was impressive last week against Florida, but who wasn’t impressive this year against Florida, except, well, you know. Arf. The FSU Board of Regents is sponsoring a Bobby Bowden Pin Cushion Doll to the first 10,000 fans. Hokies cover 4.

Big 12 championship: So Nebraska plays in a conference title game, then bolts for the Big Ten when it’s over? That makes for an interesting trophy ceremony with the conference commissioner if the Cornhuskers win. But they won’t. Oklahoma covers 5.

Conference USA: You think either George O’Leary (Notre Dame’s coach for seven minutes) or June Jones (former Falcons coach) ever envisioned the Conference USA title would be the highlight of their season? Oh well. Georgia may face the winner of this titanic tilt in the Liberty. Central Florida covers 9 over SMU.

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NFL Value Menu

(Buy 3 games, win a copy of Derek Anderson’s new book, “Laughing in Last Place.”)

Matt Ryan threw everything but a slider in November.

Falcons at Tampa: There haven’t been any grand proclamations from Raheem Morris this week about the Bucs being the NFL’s greatest team. So much for bulletin board material. No matter. The Falcons have won five straight, Matt Ryan completed 69.3 percent of his passes in November for seven touchdowns and zero interceptions and suddenly the franchise is national TV material. Don’t get dizzy from the altitude. Falcons cover 3.

Rams at Cardinals: Derek Anderson was caught by TV cameras laughing late in Arizona’s 27-6 loss to San Francisco and acted like a 2-year-old when asked about it, but at least he had the decency to apologize the next day. What Darnell Dockett’s excuse? The NFL’s Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Twitter is out of control. His latest short-attention span rants included to “[bleep] anybody” (the world starts with an “F”) who dared question him or said the reporter wasn’t “mann[sic] enough to ask me … why Im Laughing!” I don’t know. Because you’re stupid? St. Louis covers 3.

Steelers at Ravens: Ben Roethlisberger has a foot injury. Let’s assume it wasn’t from stumbling in the men’s room again. Take the Steelers and 3 — and in a straight-up upset.

It says here Belichick will capture Ryan's flag.

Saints at Bungles: Cincinnati has lost eight straight and here’s an actual factual: The team has been outscored 58-3 in the second half of the last two losses. That’s a sign of players either quitting or drinking from the same Kool-Aid bowl at halftime. Either way, somebody’s going to take the fall. Does Marvin Lewis’s plane ticket still say coach? New Orleans covers 6½.

Jets at Patriots: Rex Ryan vs. Bill Belichick. Forget that you wouldn’t want to buy cookies from either one. Which one would you bet on in a game of Stratego? (Kids, ask your dad.) Patriots cover 3½.

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The Anderson meltdown, redux

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“Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.” – R.E. Shay

Last week (not so great): 9-6 straight up, 5-10 against the line.

Financial overview: 111-38 straight up, 77-69-3 against the line.

Lock of the week: Cecil Newton, scared straight.

“Sack Schultz” (It’s over!)

We have our final cheater! I mean, winner! Michael Murray, a local from Sandy Springs, was our national winner (edging contestants from Ohio and New Hampshire via tiebreaker). He wins the 37-inch HDTV. Greg Fox of Roswell won the Georgia-Georgia Tech tickets last week. For the record, I finished in 108th out of 4,815 entries. In short, I let 107 of you sack me — because I didn’t want to show off.

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Last few episodes . . .

♦ Richt demotes strength coach, but is that enough?

♦ Stop whining: NCAA got it right on Cam Newton, Auburn

♦ Gruden to Miami would be manna for starving ACC

♦ Falcons are winning because they’re following Mike Smith

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