Before getting to this week’s big game between the NFL’s unstoppable Monster Zero, the Falcons, and — well, some lesser beings — we have two important updates from the sports world:
1. Tony Parker: Dude. Really? You cheated on Eva Longoria? I thought point guards were supposed to be smart. Are you sure you weren’t drafted by Billy Knight?
2. SEC: Dudes. Really? You’re not even issuing, like, a letter of reprimand to Auburn assault weapon Nick Fairley? Were you drafted by Billy Knight, too? Or could it be that you were concerned any punishment of Fairley would indirectly hurt Auburn, which hurts the SEC, which slows the cha-chinging, because the Tigers might win the SEC and the BCS and that means more millions for the conference and Mike Slive and generations of Slives, and, you know, it’s really hard to get good caviar in Birmingham — they have to get it flown in.
By the way, Eva Longoria didn’t go to Auburn. She went to Texas A&M-Kingsville, during which time she won Miss Corpus Christi, and did I mention Tony Parker was an idiot?
Seriously, nobody expected Fairley to get suspended for burying his helmet into Aaron Murray’s back and nearly dividing him into quarters. But can the SEC at least fake concern? A public reprimand?Maybe have him write 10 times on the blackboard, “I will not maim — well, except in the Alabama game”?
By the way, Eva Longoria has something in common with the Falcons and Rams. None of them went to Auburn, either (Transitions are for wimps.)
The Falcons, still basking in the afterglow of the win over Baltimore, meet the 4-5 Rams this week. Many consider this a trap game. Possible. The Falcons aren’t great on the road. The Rams aren’t bad.
But what are they going to do about Roddy White, who has 70 catches covering 934 yards, give or take a runway? Clone an army of Nick Fairley’s and give the command to attack at dawn?
The line is 3. That’s it? Easy money.
I went 10-2 against the line last week. Mr. Slive, kiss my ring. Eva, I’ll call you later. Falcons cover.
*** Thursday Internet-Only Special ***
Georgia State at Alabama: The Crimson Tide has been ducking the Panthers for years. But not any more! Bill Curry’s coming back to Tuscaloosa and he’s bringing a whole bag of bricks! OK, maybe just some of those little Styrofoam balls. But I’ve got to think after a short week following the Mississippi State game and with Auburn ahead, Nick Saban will not want to risk his starters in this for too long. And he kinda likes Bill Curry. I mean, the school’s giving State $400,000 for this, they must like the Panthers, right? I’m feeling frisky. Panther frisky! No, not an upset. I’m not that stupid. Tide rolls but give me Georgia State and 42½.
While Cam Newton Sleeps
Blue Devils at Yellow Mess: Tech played a stinker against Miami and Paul Johnson has lost three straight for the first time since he went 2-10 at Navy in 2002. Not the way anybody drew it up. But win this and they’ll be bowl eligible. That’s bragging rights for one week going into Athens. Shreveport Ho! Tech covers 12½.
Arkansas at Mississippi State: Bobby Petrino will hear a lot cowbells in Starkville. Maybe he’ll think it’s quitting time again. The Piggies have scored 186 points in the last four games but Mississippi State’s defense isn’t bad. Give me the other Dogs and 3 — and in a straight upset.
Ole Miserables at LSU: Houston Nutt’s only win in the last five weeks came over Louisiana-Lafayette. Are you religious? Because I’m pretty sure when the football gods saw Nutt take in Jeremiah Masoli, they declared, “No, no, no. I must smite thee.” Last week he lost to Tennessee. Now it gets worse. LSU covers 16.
Florida State at Maryland: The winner could go to the ACC championship. I was trying to figure out how Maryland (4-2) got this far and then I looked at the schedule: The wins came over Duke, Boston College, Wake Forest and Virginia. The next opponents: FSU and N.C. State. Everybody wave bye-bye to the Turtles. Noles cover 4½.
Virginia Tech at Miami: The Hokies have won eight straight since opening losses to Boise State and James Madison. I’m guessing that streak reaches 11 at the conference championship, as the ACC wonders: What if? VaTech covers 2½.
Stanford at Cal: Crossing time zones for this annual classic. Why? Because Stanford’s pretty good (9-1) and California is pretty weaselly. Coach Jeff Tedford clearly told players to fake injuries in the Oregon game in hopes of slowing the Ducks’ offense. The hysterical and pathetic video evidence is on YouTube (type “Cal fakes injury” into the search window.) The Pac-10 won’t discipline Cal. I guess they’re trying to catch up with the SEC. Stanford covers 7.
Nice Oregon production (via YouTube)
NFL Snack Pack
Packers at Vikings: Packer fans, welcome to heaven. Your team is 6-3 and Brett Favre is on pace for a 5-11 record and 28 interceptions. Enjoy: Packers cover 3.
Giants at Eagles: Michael Vick has thrown or run for 15 touchdowns and has zero interceptions in 153 attempts. So I guess this means he won’t be moving to wide receiver. Or Buffalo. Eagles cover 3.
Colts at Patriots: Meanwhile, Peyton Manning (four) and Tom Brady (four) each have thrown for more interceptions than Vick. I’m drifting. Drifting. Cellophane flowers of yellow and green, towering over your head. Look for the girl … Sorry. Pats cover 3.
Seahawks at Saints: Reggie Bush reportedly plans to return from a broken leg, but he’s lost a step. He can’t even outrun the NCAA anymore. Saints cover 11½
“Pay that man his money.” — “Teddy KGB” from “Rounders”
Last week (please bow): 9-3 straight up, 10-2 against the line.
Bottom dollars: 91-31 straight up, 65-55-2 against the line.
Lock of the week: Gwinnett County Commission covers $1 million bribe.
“Sack Schultz” (Final round for tickets!)
It’s the last week of the Georgia-Georgia Tech tickets! “Stixgfox” leads with 126 wins, one more than “dgoehner,” “jeff6683″ and “mcmug.” Twelve others have at least 121 wins. Meanwhile, I’m cleverly hanging back at 115 wins after going 10-5 last week. “Tuckys” (Ohio) remains the national leader for the HDTV at 127 wins.