Before we get to this week’s hallucinations from Auburn, we have this important farming update: A man in Iowa was found with 800 pounds of marijuana, which probably led Shoeless Joe Jackson to show up out of nowhere and ask: “Dude. Is this heaven? Because I swear my bat is starting to look like a 42-inch Zinger.”
So, true story: The guy’s arrested and in addition to being charged with, like, possession of a banned substance that could prompt Des Moines residents to declare, “I’m so done with cream corn,” the government slaps him with “failure to affix a drug tax stamp.”
Really? Ganja is taxed? And if so, is that deductible because I’m guessing guys who have 800 pounds of marijuana aren’t real good at saving receipts or Turbo Tax.
This leads me to the world of high finance in the SEC (the conference, not the other one).
According to various reports, confirmed by various sources, some of which even have faces — really, this whole thing has been like a drunk walk through Ripley’s Believe It Or Not — Cam Newton was for sale for around $200,000, with a Kroger Plus Card.
Not sure what’s actually been corroborated yet. But I’ve got to think that if they’re taxing wacky tobaccy in Iowa, Mr. IRS is gonna be banging on papa Cecil Newton’s door real soon and asking for a donation because the government will want at least 33 percent of his pimping fees.
I dunno. Maybe Newton’s innocent. Maybe he’s the big Fib Newton. Maybe he won the punt, pass and kick contest on the grassy knoll, just ahead of Sasquatch and the Easter Bunny. Regardless, it’s hard to imagine he won’t have a massive hangover by kickoff Saturday against Georgia.
So I’m torn. The Dogs haven’t beaten a good team all season. They’re 4-8 in the last three years against ranked teams. They can score points and Auburn certainly can give them up.
So I’m going to stun and amaze and …
No. Can’t do it. Sober up. The line is 8½ points. Against Idaho State, that’s covered. Against the nation’s No. 2 team that can clinch the SEC West? No way.
And by the way: Georgia projected Cam Newton as a tight end? Oops.
Dogs go down, and hard.
*** Internet-Only Thursday Night Special ***
Ravens at Falcons: Each team is coming off only three days rest, reaffirming the NFL is serious about safety issues, except when TV dollars are at stake. The Falcons are still banged up but I’m guessing Roddy White plays. Matt Ryan is 17-1 at home and the good news is he won’t be on the field at the same time as the Ravens’ Le’Ron McClain so he won’t be blinded by a flying loogie. (The NFL cleared McClain, so either spit’s not a safety issue or it only matters when it’s projected at a player better than Channing Crowder.) Falcons win and cover the 1.
One more look at McClain’s “non-spit”:
Games Not Involving Cam Newton
Miami at Georgia Tech: Randy Shannon is backing off comments after he basically called the Jackets a dirty team. After losing to Virginia, you would think he had bigger concerns. Clean or dirty, Jackets aren’t the same without Joshua Nesbitt. Canes cover 3.
South Carolina at Florida: It’s Steve Spurrier vs. Urban Meyer for the SEC East title! Yeah, I know. Bo-ring. If only Meyer admitted CamGate was all his fault, this game would get more attention. Hey, do Cam and Chris Rainey text? Work with me here. Gators cover 6½.
Mississippi State at Alabama: Think Nick Saban figured he’d have the same record as Dan Mullen this week? Yeah. Me neither. Tide, slapped in Baton Rouge, slap back. The 13½ is covered.
Virginia Tech at North Carolina: The Hokies have won seven straight. The problem is everybody stopped paying attention after the loss to James Madison. On a related note, tickets are still available for the ACC championship. VaTech covers 3½.
Clemson at Florida State: The Tigers’ defense has allowed just one touchdown each of the last four games. I hate facts. Noles win but give me Clemson and 7.
NFL Snack Pack
Eagles at Redskins: Michael Vick has seven touchdowns and zero interceptions. I have a vision: Falcons-Eagles, NFC title game, the Georgia Dome. Security outside, inside, ringing the field. It’ll look like a Bolivian soccer game. Until then: Eagles cover 3.
Patriots at Steelers: No matter what the next Cam Newton story is, I can top it: New England lost to Cleveland last week. Bounce back: Take the 4 1/2 and Patriots in an upset.
Cowboys at Giants: Jerry Jones just handed Jason Garrett a Swiss Army knife and told him to fix the Hindenburg. Giants win but I’ll dance with Dallas and 14.
Vikings at Bears: Coach Brad Childress has escaped being fired so far, but one Vikings player said: “We know that Childress doesn’t have our backs, so why should we have his?” Feel the love. Bears cover 1.
Titans at Dolphins: Moss is playing for his third team in six games. And what did Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher say of the signing? “I see no risk whatsoever.” Yeah. Denial’s always good. Titans cover 1.
“I bet a nickel.” — “Martini” from “Cuckoos’ Nest”
Last week (rather forgettable): 10-3 straight up, 4-8-1 against the line.
Bottom dollars: 82-28 straight up, 55-53-2 against the line.
Lock of the week: Unnamed sources.
“Sack Schultz” (We’re in the home stretch!)
Feel like I got sacked by the ‘85 Bears. Went 9-6 last week. There’s only two weeks to go for the Georgia-Georgia tickets. Regional leader for tickets is “Stixgfox” at 115 wins, but 15 others are within five. “Tuckys” of Ohio remains the national leader at 116 wins. I’m at 105. I get nothing.