Weekend Predictions: Sources say Newton over Georgia

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Before we get to this week’s hallucinations from Auburn, we have this important farming update: A man in Iowa was found with 800 pounds of marijuana, which probably led Shoeless Joe Jackson to show up out of nowhere and ask: “Dude. Is this heaven? Because I swear my bat is starting to look like a 42-inch Zinger.”

So, true story: The guy’s arrested and in addition to being charged with, like, possession of a banned substance that could prompt Des Moines residents to declare, “I’m so done with cream corn,”  the government slaps him with “failure to affix a drug tax stamp.”

I'm pretty sure these folks think he's innocent.

I took a poll. All of these folks believe he's innocent.

Really? Ganja is taxed? And if so, is that deductible because I’m guessing guys who have 800 pounds of marijuana aren’t real good at saving receipts or Turbo Tax.

This leads me to the world of high finance in the SEC (the conference, not the other one).

According to various reports, confirmed by various sources, some of which even have faces — really, this whole thing has been like a drunk walk through Ripley’s Believe It Or Not — Cam Newton was for sale for around $200,000, with a Kroger Plus Card.

Not sure what’s actually been corroborated yet. But I’ve got to think that if they’re taxing wacky tobaccy in Iowa, Mr. IRS is gonna be banging on papa Cecil Newton’s door real soon and asking for a donation because the government will want at least 33 percent of his pimping fees.

Allegedly.

Fig or Fib Newtons?

Are they Fig or Fib Newtons?

I dunno. Maybe Newton’s innocent. Maybe he’s the big Fib Newton. Maybe he won the punt, pass and kick contest on the grassy knoll, just ahead of Sasquatch and the Easter Bunny. Regardless, it’s hard to imagine he won’t have a massive hangover by kickoff Saturday against Georgia.

So I’m torn. The Dogs haven’t beaten a good team all season. They’re 4-8 in the last three years against ranked teams. They can score points and Auburn certainly can give them up.

So I’m going to stun and amaze and …

No. Can’t do it. Sober up. The line is 8½ points. Against Idaho State, that’s covered. Against the nation’s No. 2 team that can clinch the SEC West? No way.

And by the way:  Georgia projected Cam Newton as a tight end? Oops.

Dogs go down,  and hard.

*** Internet-Only Thursday Night Special ***

Ravens at Falcons: Each team is coming off only three days rest, reaffirming the NFL is serious about safety issues, except when TV dollars are at stake. The Falcons are still banged up but I’m guessing Roddy White plays. Matt Ryan is 17-1 at home and the good news is he won’t be on the field at the same time as the Ravens’ Le’Ron McClain so he won’t be blinded by a flying loogie. (The NFL cleared McClain, so either spit’s  not a safety issue or it only matters when it’s projected at a player better than Channing Crowder.) Falcons win and cover the 1.

One more look at McClain’s “non-spit”:

Games Not Involving Cam Newton

Miami at Georgia Tech: Randy Shannon is backing off comments after he basically called the Jackets a dirty team. After losing to Virginia, you would think he had bigger concerns. Clean or dirty, Jackets aren’t the same without Joshua Nesbitt. Canes cover 3.

I know. It's so hard for you to choose, isn't it?

I know. It's so hard for you to choose, isn't it?

South Carolina at Florida: It’s Steve Spurrier vs. Urban Meyer for the SEC East title! Yeah, I know. Bo-ring. If only Meyer admitted CamGate was all his fault, this game would get more attention. Hey, do Cam and Chris Rainey text? Work with me here. Gators cover 6½.

Mississippi State at Alabama: Think Nick Saban figured he’d have the same record as Dan Mullen this week? Yeah. Me neither. Tide, slapped in Baton Rouge, slap back. The 13½ is covered.

Virginia Tech at North Carolina: The Hokies have won seven straight. The problem is everybody stopped paying attention after the loss to James Madison. On a related note, tickets are still available for the ACC championship. VaTech covers 3½.

Clemson at Florida State: The Tigers’ defense has allowed just one touchdown each of the last four games. I hate facts. Noles win but give me Clemson and 7.

NFL Snack Pack

Eagles at Redskins: Michael Vick has seven touchdowns and zero interceptions. I have a vision: Falcons-Eagles, NFC title game,  the Georgia Dome. Security outside, inside, ringing the field. It’ll look like a Bolivian soccer game. Until then: Eagles cover 3.

The minds of Jeff Fisher pose for a photo shoot.

The minds of Jeff Fisher pose for a photo shoot.

Patriots at Steelers: No matter what the next Cam Newton story is, I can top it: New England lost to Cleveland last week. Bounce back: Take the 4 1/2 and Patriots in an upset.

Cowboys at Giants: Jerry Jones just handed Jason Garrett a Swiss Army knife and told him to fix the Hindenburg. Giants win but I’ll dance with Dallas and 14.

Vikings at Bears: Coach Brad Childress has escaped being fired so far, but one Vikings player said: “We know that Childress doesn’t have our backs, so why should we have his?” Feel the love. Bears cover 1.

Titans at Dolphins: Moss is playing for his third team in six games. And what did Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher say of the signing? “I see no risk whatsoever.” Yeah. Denial’s always good. Titans cover 1.

“I bet a nickel.”“Martini” from “Cuckoos’ Nest”

money

Last week (rather forgettable): 10-3 straight up, 4-8-1 against the line.

Bottom dollars: 82-28 straight up, 55-53-2 against the line.

Lock of the week: Unnamed sources.

“Sack Schultz” (We’re in the home stretch!)

LogoGrass_652173aFeel like I got sacked by the ‘85 Bears. Went 9-6 last week. There’s only two weeks to go for the Georgia-Georgia tickets. Regional leader for tickets is “Stixgfox” at 115 wins, but 15 others are within five. “Tuckys” of Ohio remains the national leader at 116 wins. I’m at 105. I get nothing.

Want to catch up on previous Weekend Predictions? Click here.

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

333 comments Add your comment

5150 P.O.A.D

November 10th, 2010
10:19 pm

No Hot CHICKS? WTF JEFF? lol

Red Brooks

November 10th, 2010
10:24 pm

UGA in an upset

Nub

November 10th, 2010
10:26 pm

Beware of the DAwGs…..

Red Brooks

November 10th, 2010
10:32 pm

Take UGA vs. the money line – straight up win. Then, Georgia tech university goes down!

5150 P.O.A.D

November 10th, 2010
10:36 pm

Low Blow on Shoeless Joe.
Dawg Fans will be at the pawn shop to sell everything in the trailer to make that bet. At the end of the month there will be a lot of trailer Repos happening. I can’t see the banged up Falcons winning this one. I am hoping like all Hades, but I just don’t see it. Missing In Action U without Harris and the Starting RB I think Wins by 6. Gators my win by 3, but I think Garcia finnaly realizes he doesn’t have to win the game but play the game. USC by 1, 24-23. VIP by 10 over UNC. BAMA will over look MSU focusing on Ga State. Bama only wins by 17. If Parker was throwing Pitches maybe Clemson wouldn’t need the 7 but it is at FSU and FSU by 10. Eagles, Steelers, Giants no Problimo. Bears and Titans will be fun to watch. I think the Bear go down and the Titans win.
I want to see the UCF cheerleaders. It is getting a lil cold we need the HOT CHICKS now more than ever. LOL have a good weekend. Are you going to the Tech or UGA Game?

Ralph

November 10th, 2010
10:36 pm

thUGA won’t come close.

Campbell

November 10th, 2010
10:38 pm

Jeff, you couldn’t find a way to incorporate the famous “choke sign” from Coach Grantham? Seriously, you’re lucky Cam Newton took a couple hundred grand and a scholarship to Awbun – it helped to take the focus off of your terrible column a couple weeks ago. I wish desperately that the AJC could find some decent sportswriters. If you want to take back your criticism of Grantham post-Florida, let me know and I will stop riding you like a mule with a trick knee…

picassokat

November 10th, 2010
10:39 pm

I like fig newtons. Did I miss a Birds vs Birds picks?

5150 P.O.A.D

November 10th, 2010
10:42 pm

The UGA line may go UP because VAGAS will need to get more money on the UGA side. 9 1/2 by Friday night. I don’t think enough people are ready to bet on the Dawgs side yet, but in games played at Auburn UGA scores 19.37 and Auburn scores 18.85. I would TAKE the points if I still bet real money on sports. Now I just bet with other Sunday school members on the GT v UGA game and the money goes to the Serverville Childrens Home. So no Matter the Kids win.

Great pick Jeff

November 10th, 2010
10:43 pm

Hey GEORGIA,

Jeff said it perfectly. Georgia has beat know one and it won’t start at AUBURN. Mutts go down HARD. UGA sucks.

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:45 pm

(((((30-24))))) hahahahahahahaha!!

Great pick Jeff

November 10th, 2010
10:45 pm

Nub

Maybe the gym mutts, but not your louzy football team, they are pathetic.

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:45 pm

Nesbitt for Heisman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:46 pm

Stephen Hill for Heisman!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff Schultz

November 10th, 2010
10:46 pm

5150 — Sorry, I’m rationing out the ladies.

Great pick Jeff

November 10th, 2010
10:46 pm

Glory Glory

5-5 hahahahahahahahahahah mutts suck dude! sorry, 5-6 after Saturday and 5-7 after Thanksgiving, but hey, great year for the dawgs. Congrats on another overachieving year.

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:46 pm

Paul Johnson for Coach of the Year!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff Schultz

November 10th, 2010
10:47 pm

Campbell — I had I know you would be reading, I would’ve tried to work Todd Grantham into three or four different paragraphs. Shucks.

Jeff Schultz

November 10th, 2010
10:47 pm

Picassokat — Yes. Birds over Birds.

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:47 pm

So which Engineering Firm will Josh Nesbitt be employed come Summer??

Bwahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahahaha!!!!!

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:48 pm

Ball and Thomas LLP

Engineering the CLUTCH 4th Down.

5150 P.O.A.D

November 10th, 2010
10:49 pm

Sorry I think GT wins by 6. The u is a 10 point underdog without Harris, the starting RB, and Shannon as the head coach.

5150 P.O.A.D

November 10th, 2010
10:50 pm

Jeff you need to give and IV then. If I can’t have the ladies then i nedd Morphine. AHHAHAH

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:51 pm

Let’s go over the AMAZING teams that Georgia Tech has beaten……

South Carolina State, North Cackalacky, Wake Forrest, Middle Tennessee St, Virginia…

now they are missing the leading Heisman candidate, and are benching their 1st team All American WR…..

Yeah, Tech is in GREAT shape!!!!

St. Richt

November 10th, 2010
10:52 pm

Scam Newton for Heist-man. If he doesn’t win it he’ll steal it! Auburn fans- you must be so proud.

UGA is Great

November 10th, 2010
10:52 pm

Fans, friends and alum: Let’s look at our season. We started the year expecting to win the NC, but at least the SEC. This is not unusual, as we believe this to be true every year. Let’s look at our wins: TN = Pathetic, Vandy = Pathetic, Idaho State = Super Pathetic, Louisianna Monroe = Super Pathetic and KY = Pathetic. (GREAT WINS) Let’s look at our losses: UF = OK, but always lose and have lost 19 of 22. Sad, sad, sad, SC = Good, ARK = good, COLO = Pathetic, MISS St = Average. Hey, I still say UGA is the best football team in the nation and should win the NC this year. I mean, our SOS must be like 300th and we must be ranked in the top 5 with arrests. It’s been a great year. Thank you UGA for a spectacular year. Glory Glory Ole mutts. LMFAO

drbasic1

November 10th, 2010
10:53 pm

all is about right except Dawgs win a close one and lower scoring than everyone thinks

5150 P.O.A.D

November 10th, 2010
10:53 pm

Glory Glory the same ones that will hire the UGA student that said he wants to be an Engineer from UGA beacuse he wants to have a life outside of classwork. Tell you what have a UGA engineer design your Highrise office and your home. Don’t dig too deep in the yard or you will find Beer cans and red panties just below the surface.

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:53 pm

Anybody who thinks Tech would have beaten S. Carolina, Arky, Miss St, or Florida is irrational.

UGA was with all of them in the late 4th Q.

St. Richt

November 10th, 2010
10:54 pm

Schultz, I understand why you picked my Jackets to lose. But you’re wrong- they’ll win this one at home. You seem to forget that the Co-Canes are also playing a backup QB! Do you really think Paul Johnson will lose 3 in a row? Really?? I don’t think so..

UGA is Great

November 10th, 2010
10:54 pm

Rather be a Jacket than a Jailyard scandal dawg!

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:54 pm

so your telling me you have NEVER had a beer poad???

St. Richt

November 10th, 2010
10:55 pm

Glory Glory, shoulda, coulda, woulda…. At least we can admit we aren’t very good this year. But you’re in denial. And you’ll be calling for a national championship as always going into next year. Georgia is always unbeatable in the preseason.

drbasic1

November 10th, 2010
10:55 pm

If Auburn wins, Munson will be sitting at home saying “look…laptops falling from the sky!!!”

UGA is Great

November 10th, 2010
10:56 pm

Glory Glory my azz:

I guess COLO is great too?

JSS

November 10th, 2010
10:56 pm

“4-8-1!” Darn that pesky line!!!

St. Richt

November 10th, 2010
10:57 pm

Your Dawgs are gonna get smoked this weekend. You’re fooling yourselves if you think otherwise. Gonna be ugly unless Scam Newton gets cuffed and stuffed before Saturday.. Or he tears an ACL running from the 5-0.

5150 P.O.A.D

November 10th, 2010
10:57 pm

Can I claim FIRST LATE?
As a Tech fan we are not first, As a UGA hater I can’t claim first either.
As a FALCON FAN I will clain FIRST because the FALCONS are in First right now.
Come on Falcons win. I know your are beat-up, on a short week, but Play through the PAIN and win.

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
10:57 pm

In all my years on honors math and physics in High School, I NEVER entertained the thought of being an Engineer.

It simply wasn’t an interest. Period.

Thats where you Techies get REAL REAL confused. Not everybody aspires to be an Engineer. But in your minds, if you don’t have the same interests as you, you are a FAILURE.

I PROUDLY say that my UGA degree has me very comfortable, and happy in life. And ive been intimate, with a real live woman.

St. Richt

November 10th, 2010
10:58 pm

What do you think Urban Meyer paid Scam Newton to come to Florida the first time around?? Whats the over-under on that?

drbasic1

November 10th, 2010
10:59 pm

no wait….its money…no i think its driving sitations…no its …ahhh…anyway, something is falling and it aint sugar

What's that smell?

November 10th, 2010
11:00 pm

Jeff,

Please don’t encourage P.O.A.D by responding to him. I know you guys seems to be buds, but……….

UGA is Great

November 10th, 2010
11:00 pm

What’s red, being passed around the UGA campus and most of the team is wearing them, and probably the male friends? The nasty red panties. LOL

St. Richt

November 10th, 2010
11:01 pm

Glory glory, thanks for sharing. We didn’t want you to come to Tech either, so the feeling is mutual. Sounds like you psychiatrist must have his or her hands full.

drbasic1

November 10th, 2010
11:04 pm

whats the smell

look i am anti Tech as much as P.O.A.D is anti Dawg. But in fairness, he takes our ribbing, we take his, simple, if you don’t like his post just skip them, he has been here a long time and SOMETIMES says the truth when football is discussed….

drbasic1

November 10th, 2010
11:06 pm

Tech is obsessed with the red panties for the simple fact they have never seen them on a real woman and only wish they were the ones to get caught…notice i said a real woman, fact is they might have seen them on their male roommate….

nobody

November 10th, 2010
11:09 pm

UGA takes Aubie and GT and should finish in the top 10 based on there skedule. Calib King should win Hisemen next year.

Glory Glory

November 10th, 2010
11:10 pm

is there a single Dawg fan who is offended by the red panties comments??

Im pretty sure not a soul cares any longer about Damon Evans, and has 100% been forgotten.

But keep on going Techies. MAkes you sound REALLY, REALLY cool.

NESBITT FOR HEISMAN!!!!!!

JSS

November 10th, 2010
11:10 pm

POAD? Are you behaving today?

zebra

November 10th, 2010
11:11 pm

Seems like all moms agree….Tech under Paul Johnson is a dirty, chop-blocking bunch.