Weekend Predictions: Falcons win, try not to hurt anyone

Russ

Before we get to wimp central and the rest of our NFL lineup, this update from the Happiest Place on Earth.

A fight broke out at Disney World the other day when a shuttle bus driver had to inform a guy that there was no more room for him on the bus, and the father responded like any psycho — by lunging at the driver’s neck. Claims of the father actually tossed his infant daughter at the driver have not been verified but I believe it has been determined that the man is a direct descendant of Scrooge McDuck, or possibly Jim Mora.

Which leads me back to the NFL. I miss the old days, like when Dick Butkus was saying, “When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anyone deliberately, unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something,” instead of Roger Goodell saying, “Really! Must you boys push so much? Sebastien! Fetch my overcoat. I’m late for Cats! I do so loooove Rum Tum Tugger!”

The NFL will still let you buy this vicious guy online.

The NFL will still let you buy this vicious guy online.

The NFL fined three players this week for “dangerous” hits. Never mind that “dangerous” hits are a big reason the league has $20.5 billion in TV contracts, at least until somebody forms a new league, “Psycho Disney Dads.” (The teams could be broken down by states and countries. I’m liking a France vs. New Jersey final.)

Where was I? So the NFL not only cultivates violence, it sells it. It took 12 seconds before NFL.com was selling photos of James Harrison’s hit on Mohamed Massaquoi. They yanked it when people starting using words like hypocrisy.

This week, Dunta Robinson ($50,000 lighter) and your less violent Falcons play host to Pacman Jones and Chad Ochocinco and the rest of the Cincinnati nut parade. The Falcons really stunk in Philly. Fact is, they should’ve been fined $50,000 for NOT hitting anybody. But at home, they generally rule.

Cover your eyes, Roger. This could get barbaric. Falcons cover 3 1/2.

Road Trip!

It's the Oompa Loompas (Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Kentucky).

It's the Oompa Loompas (Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Kentucky).

Dogs and Cats: The Bulldogs are like 10-year-olds visiting the SEC’s three campuses in WonkaLand: Tennessee, Vanderbilt and Kentucky (2-8 combined). Hey, win this and at least it affirms they’re not Tennessee, Vanderbilt or Kentucky, and before this season is over they can grow into something more attractive than an Oompa Loompa. Dogs win and cover 3½.

Jackets at Clemson: Win this and the Virginia Tech game in two weeks will have significant ACC ramifications. Lose this and the goal becomes to avoid Shreveport (new Independence Bowl match-up: ACC No. 7 vs. Mountain West No. 3). But for what it’s worth, Paul Johnson is  3-0 against coaches named Dabo. Take the 5½ but Tech wins a mild upset.

The Unbeatens Bowl: Auburn’s last loss came to the team that won the national championship (Alabama). So I guess this means Gene Chizik doesn’t stink. It also helps that Tigers quarterback Cam Newton has come a long way since running the option play with a stolen laptop. Researchers at MIT haven’t determined how LSU is still unbeaten. No reason to now: Auburn wins (but take LSU and 6).

South Carolina at Vanderbilt: If  1-2 Vanderbilt wins out, it’s in the SEC title game. OK, not going to happen. But after South Carolina beat Alabama one week and lost to Kentucky the next, is anybody issuing guarantees? On a related note, Steve Spurrier is rooming with Cheswick and Martini but is said to be doing very well with finger paints this week. Roosters cover 12.

This is Mike Zimmer: Please bow.

This is Mike Zimmer: Please bow.

Mississippi at Arkansas: Bobby Petrino was called a “coward” and a “gutless bastard”  by former Falcons defensive coordinator, Mike Zimmer. If you see Zimmer this weekend with Cincinnati, buy him dinner. Or a drink. Or a remote tropical island. Petrino laughed off the comments, then lied again and blew up Alderaan, a peaceful planet that had no weapons. Pigfaces win but take Ole Miss and 9 1/2.

Alabama at Tennessee: How close is Neyland Stadium to the nearest medical facility? Tide covers 16 1/2.

Georgia State at Old Dominion: It’s a first-year team against a second-year team, and that’s the depth of my research. OD by a TD.

NFL Snack Pack

Hey, Jerry. How's the view? Hahahahaha! Sorry.

Hey, Jerry. How's the view? Hahahahaha! Sorry.

Giants at Cowboys: Jerry Jones built a $1.3 billion stadium and now has a 1-4 grease fire playing in it, which is sort of like Custer cutting a deal with Universal and filming his meltdown at Little Bighorn in Sensurround. But at least Jerry’s crash comes with $12 martinis. OK, slight market correction here: Cowboys win but take the Giants and 3.

Vikings at Packers: Brett Favre goes back to Green Bay. By the way, for those wondering why he never “sexted” when he was with the Packers — hey, it’s really cold there. Packers cover 3.

Redskins at Bears: Jay Cutler has been sacked 15 times in the last two games. Isn’t this why left Vanderbilt? Bears cover 3.

Third floor, accounting

Last week (not so hot): 7-4 straight up, 4-7 against the line.

Overall (not so bad): 57-18 straight up, 39-35-1 against the line.

Lock of the week: Kwikset.

“Sack Schultz” Update

LogoGrass_652173aI’ve hit a bump. After going 25-5 in consecutive weeks, I’m 17-13 in the last two and now 73-32 overall in the contest (282nd place). Arlo Pittman (Atlanta) and John Reese (Seneca, SC) each went 14-1 last week. Click here for more info.

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

226 comments Add your comment

Pepe

October 21st, 2010
2:31 pm

That’s what she said…

povox

October 21st, 2010
2:43 pm

love the Star Wars ref.

Andy

October 21st, 2010
2:43 pm

First to wrongly claim that I’m first!

rduck

October 21st, 2010
2:45 pm

go jackets and best of luck to the dawgs.. except for you know when!

mountain_jim

October 21st, 2010
2:48 pm

Thankyou Zimmer for plainly stating the Quitrino truth.

rduck

October 21st, 2010
2:48 pm

Phrases I want to hear the most this weekend.. and the streak is 5 against the tigers, dawgs stay alive in the east, and ochocinco is down!

Jurgen Haabemaaster

October 21st, 2010
2:48 pm

Remember when the NFL took ohh…. about 8 seconds to put on it’s front page #7 Iggles jersey after being signed? Hypocrites for sure…

When do the Goodell bashing articles start much like the ones for the zombie running MLB?

Matt

October 21st, 2010
2:52 pm

Just love seeing the Skins suffering from another case of “MeAngelo”. What a tool. So glad that he’s someone else’s problem.

DawginLex

October 21st, 2010
2:53 pm

yabba dabba dabo patrolling the clempson sideline makes this game a stroll in the park for Tech 38-34 GT

Got a feeling Matt Ryan will throw for 300 yards(at least my fantasy team hopes so) 28-20 Birds

Dawgs/Cats-too close to call. Too much at stake. 1st road win for the Dawgs in 2010? Cats 37-35

Ed

October 21st, 2010
2:54 pm

I like your picks, I think the Falcons and Dawgs both cover, Tech wins but doesn’t in my opinion.

Reid Adair

October 21st, 2010
2:55 pm

I don’t know, Jeff. Picking the lowly Cowboys to beat the Giants might be determined a “devastating hit” in the incredibly vague world of NFL rules.

However, if they fine you, I’ll be the first in line to contribute.

Lou Holtz is a stammering,slurring moron

October 21st, 2010
2:55 pm

No comment – just like my new handle.

Hollywould

October 21st, 2010
2:58 pm

Ban the 3 stooges/ got a good laugh on that one.

saban

October 21st, 2010
2:58 pm

Dawgs lose by 24.

Jackets win by 3

Reality

October 21st, 2010
2:59 pm

Jeff, the Reality is that the SEC is going through a little of what the ACC did circa 2007 (?) when nobody was really that much better than anybody else, which ended in total chaos of everybody beating everybody else without rhyme or reason. Your thoughts?

Jurgen Haabemaaster

October 21st, 2010
3:03 pm

Saban I sure hope you don’t wager with your own money…

gtne80

October 21st, 2010
3:04 pm

El Jeffe’, I’ve always enjoyed your weekly picks and the humor with which you present them. You’ve been accused many times (by others) of being a “homer.” I’ve been in denial over it, but this week’s picks confirm it. Picking Tech to cover the spread is a minor gaffe and explainable by their history of close games. Picking Tech straight up is unthinkable. Clemson wins AND covers.

You are right about UGA beating UK. They’ve definitely been on an upswing since AJ was reinstated and their playing with energy and confidence. UK spent themselves in the comeback over USC.

GStateBen

October 21st, 2010
3:06 pm

Jeff! Thanks for the Georgia State mention. We face 1828lbs. combined along the front 7 last Saturday. ODU weighs a combined 103lbs. less across their front 7. Panthers run the ball and escape Norfolk (my hometown by the way) with a win. We’re talking about it at http://www.PantherTalk.com. Come on over!

Go Panthers!

reebok

October 21st, 2010
3:07 pm

who cares about the NFL? it’s boring. jackets and dogs both win close ones. good luck, homeboys…

DawginLex

October 21st, 2010
3:10 pm

Hey Saban,

Tennessee 24
Alabama 23

Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DIT

October 21st, 2010
3:11 pm

I don’t think there is a bigger “choke” team than Clemson when it comes to big games. Tech by 17

This is not UT or Vandy. We play a team with an offense. I hope that I’m wrong, but think that our defense will not be able to handle UK’s offense(Randall Cobb)…… UK by 9

Sorry LSU, but Auburn destroys you guys by 14

Alabama beats UT by 21. UT running out of gas.

SC by another 21 with Vandy.

DILLIGAF

October 21st, 2010
3:12 pm

“Vikings at Packers: Brett Favre goes back to Green Bay. By the way, for those wondering why he never “sexted” when he was with the Packers — hey, it’s really cold there.”

Hahaha…Jeff, you missed your TRUE calling!
As always, good stuff!

Alan

October 21st, 2010
3:16 pm

Phil Steele’s says Aaron Murray is his top 3 QB pick of the week to go off on Kentucky.

Expects Kentucky to be beat up a little after beating SC.

So Jeff, you’re probably right, Georgia wins.

http://www.philsteele.com/Blogs/2010/Oct10/DBOct21.html

Blue WildCat

October 21st, 2010
3:21 pm

No way in **** the Dogs win in Lexington. Understand UGA ran up against a hapless UT team and jumped out to an early lead and the Vols could not answer.. Of course, we know Vandy is Vandy so no big ‘W’ there. The Pups beat the 2 bottom-feeders of the SEC East and Ga Rednecks are ready to book their ticket to the Ga Dome in December….gimme a big break here. The Cats are coming off a HUGE UPSET of the LameCocks and will still be riding high when the Mutts roll into Commonwealth Stadium. UK 27 UGAg 13

gtne80

October 21st, 2010
3:22 pm

“they’re” not “their” – I hate it when others do that and now I’ve done it. Damn!

How did the Cowboys get to be favored?

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Dave Choate, Jeff Schultz. Jeff Schultz said: Weekend Predictions: Falcons win, try not to hurt anyone http://bit.ly/cKyCSk [...]

Tony Soprano

October 21st, 2010
3:25 pm

Fuggitaboutit…..no way in **** do the Mutts win in Lexington. They are not called UGAg for nothing. UGA reminds me of my fat friend “BIG P***Y”..

SatchelBuzz

October 21st, 2010
3:25 pm

Time to turn it up ‘Jackets,…Sine Metu!

THWG!!

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:31 pm

Jeff
I need my HOT chicks!
Where is the COUNT?
Couldn’t you show a Bama girl of a Dallas Cheerleader or something?
Damn I would even like a GYM DAWG in her leotard. Help us Jeff we need HOT WOMEN to go with our football.

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:33 pm

DawginLex
The VOLS can score 24 in arrests but not on the football field against Bama.

YO

October 21st, 2010
3:33 pm

5150 P.O.A.D

Please tell me that your not married because you sound like a juvenile!

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:33 pm

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:34 pm

YO
Why? Your wife will not do the things young girls will do and it makes you mad.

Alan

October 21st, 2010
3:34 pm

Kent leading rusher, locke, will not play Saturday, shoulder injury.

YO

October 21st, 2010
3:36 pm

Nice come back 5150…..wow… juvenile

Alan

October 21st, 2010
3:41 pm

Georgia has some big time weapons on offense right now: Ealey, AJ, Durham, Murray—all are playing well right now.

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:41 pm

Didn’t Juvenile(the rapper) do the halftime looker room show in Athens? UGA is now the Gillette Young (Dumb and full of CRM) Guns!

Dan

October 21st, 2010
3:43 pm

Tech sucks. They lose by at least 14.

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:44 pm

Allen what High School team did those players look good against? Yes, I remember the La Laf, the Vols, and Vandy. Can IDAHO ST get here fast enough?

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:44 pm

Dan what do you base that -14 on?

gtne80

October 21st, 2010
3:45 pm

BTW – Nice of Herschel Walker to play the role of Pat Dye (of the “Ga ain’t man enough…” quote) by going on ESPN and calling out the Dawgs to man-up.

DIT

October 21st, 2010
3:45 pm

I have always thought that Kentucky was always one of the best road trips. Always had a great time with the UK people. Will miss it this year. Usually Keenland during the day and the game at night. Makes a full, fun day!

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:45 pm

Home teams usually get +1 to +2points on a clase game. Are you saying that based on the Auburn game?

5150 POAD

October 21st, 2010
3:47 pm

Of course Kansas is always a tough team….. Well for a High School team

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:48 pm

Dan
5-2 or 3-4 and now who sucks? UGA will be lucky to go to JAX at 4-4 and not 3-5. Big Bad Bruce will have to put on his Red Leather Panties o cover the KAT SCRATCHES on his White Butt.

Hillbilly Deluxe

October 21st, 2010
3:49 pm

Someone should tell Chad that Ochocinco means “eight, five”. Eighty-five would be “ochenta y cinco”.

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:50 pm

WOW the fake POAD has struck. How was that UGA game against Colorado? They are tuff for a high school team too.

fake 5150 POAD

October 21st, 2010
3:52 pm

you caught me… sniff, sniff. tek will be an easy high school team to beat on the 27th. mark it down!

bobby p

October 21st, 2010
3:53 pm

schultz, i will fist fight you and that no name coordinator any day. nobody knew who he was until he tried calling me out. im glad i can make him famous. BTW Jack Bequette (who busted Aaron Murray’s chin open) wants you to call him a Pigface to his face.

5150 P.O.A.D

October 21st, 2010
3:54 pm

Hillbilly Deluxe
You do know he is Ghetto Fab-u-los and can’t even spell his real name. How can he be expected to know how to count in Spanish when he can’t spell in English? He RICH but just give it thime and he will be broke.