Having replaced the defensive coordinator, the defensive ends coach, the linebackers coach, the quarterback, several starters, the list of excuses and presumably the adviser who’s in charge of telling players that those cute little pilot wings he got when he was 6 years old is not a license to drink, drive, hit, run, speed, no-show, steal, deny, and sell your bowl jersey to anybody, let alone a guy whose business card reads, “Snidely Whiplash,” the Georgia Bulldogs finally found a new scapegoat for their fall: Russ, The Temporary Mascot.
Why pick on a poor dog?
Russ didn’t ask for this. He was just fine hanging in the back of the Seiler house with the hamster and the goldfish.
Georgia had already thrown his personal life into public
view when they revealed in Russ’s official bio that he was, “the five-year-old half-brother of Uga VII.”
Half-brother? Was there a sex scandal in Dawgingham Palace we needed to know about?
Oh, the pains of being the estranged love pup, the fruit of adultery,
in the house of royalty.
Sure, these things are overlooked when Russ breaks out with a win
over Georgia Tech. But lose to Colorado and Mississippi State and suddenly he’s not worthy of a half-chewed rawhide.
You will get Alpo and you will like it! Away with you!
And now, Georgia welcomes: “Big Bad Bruce,” aka Uga VIII. Well, this should fix everything.
This week, the two-legged Bulldogs welcome Vanderbilt. It’s homecoming. Question: How many times has Vanderbilt had “homecoming opponent” stamped on their forehead?
Enjoy the view, Bruce. You could be in for a bumpy ride. But not this week: Dogs cover 15.
Mid-Tennessee St. at Mid-Georgia Tech: Jackets coach Paul Johnson noted MTSU won 10 games last season, which sounds more impressive than saying they’re 2-3 and just lost to Troy, which lost to UAB, which lost to Florida Atlantic, which lost to North Texas, which lost to Arkansas State. (See, isn’t this more interesting than breaking down blocking schemes?) Jackets covers 18 ½.
Mississippi State at Florida: Urban Meyer commemorated Domestic Violence Awareness Month his own special way: He conditionally reinstated Chris Rainey because, while it’s true the player texted “Time To Die, B****]” to a girl, it’s not like it was Meyer’s wife or daughter, because then it would’ve been serious — unless the Gators really needed Rainey, which they do, because they’ve already lost two SEC games, so suddenly it’s, “Oh, these darn kids.” Seriously. Do they not hand out souls any more at coaches’ conventions? Gators cover 7 1/2.
Arkansas at Auburn: Not to interrupt the euphoria in Pigville, but has it occurred to anybody that Arkansas’s wins have come over Tennessee Tech (2-4), Louisiana-Monroe (2-3), Georgia (2-4) and Texas A&M (3-2), and it lost to the only good team it has played (Alabama)? Tigers cover 3 ½.
South Carolina at Kentucky: Steve Spurrier’s reward for upsetting Alabama is consecutive games against Kentucky, Vanderbilt and Tennessee (combined 1-7 in SEC). Blow this and his head explodes. Roosters cover 5.
Mississippi at Alabama: The Rebels have officially drop-kicked Col Reb into the Red [Neck] Sea. Turns out the other 49 states viewed a plantation owner as a mascot to be as endearing as a Mussolini plush toy. So welcome to the new mascot: Rebel Black Bear. You know, the party might’ve lasted longer if it was Louisiana-Lafayette week. Bama covers 21.
N.C. Central at Georgia State: The first-year Panthers play their sixth home game in seven weeks. Just resting their legs before shocking the world in Tuscaloosa! (Go with it.) GSU covers 8.
Falcons at Eagles: Michael Vick has rib bones sticking out of his forehead but he says, “Don’t count me out.” I’m thinking he wouldn’t have the same level of dedication if it was Bengals week. But you can understand his motivation. The Falcons only gave him wealth, power and status. Ugh. Expect Kevin Kolb to start and lose. Take the 3 and Falcons in a straight upset.
Browns at Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger returns from a four-game suspension for being drunk and stupid and possibly a felonious social deviate. What’s the over/under on viewing parties in Milledgeville for this one? I’d love to pick an upset. Can’t do it. But I’ll dance with the Browns and 13 1/2.
Saints at Buccaneers: The Saints are ranked 31st in rushing, 16th in scoring and had four turnovers in a loss to Arizona. The good news is Drew Brees was given over 6,000 suggested when he asked Twitter followers for baby names that start with “B.” You know, there was a time when that might’ve excited Saints fans. This will help: New Orleans covers 4 1/2.
Cowboys at Vikings: Brett Favre has a bad ankle, a bad elbow, seven interceptions (equaling all of last year), four fumbles (doubling last year) and has been “sexting” pictures of “Little Brett” to a double-implant bimbo media member. Wait, it gets better: This week somebody threw Big Brett the football and it inadvertently hit Little Brett, doubling over both Bretts. (Check the video.) Hello karma, my old fiend. Take the 1 ½ and Dallas in a mild upset.
Brett Favre in agony, Homer Simpson moderating (from “Rick Roll” via YouTube.)
Damn, I’m good
Last week: 7-3 straight up, 6-4 against the line.
All together now: 50-14 straight up, 35-28-1 against the line.
Lock of the week: Master.
“Sack Schultz” Update
I was a dreadful 9-6 last week, bringing my six-week record to 65-25 (127th place out of 4,669). But look out — I’m just teasing you. Susan Milke of Washington, who may be on steroids, went 14-1. Want to join the fun? Click here for info.