SAN FRANCISCO — Before getting to this week’s potential big story — Young Dooley/Anakin Skywalker returns to Athens with Orange Rebel Alliance — we bring you this update from California:
The lead story on the news last night was about this new stand in Santa Cruz that sells marijuana-infused ice cream (or: “high-scream”). It comes in three tasty flavors: Banannabis Foster, Straw-Mari Cheesecake and TRIPle Chocolate Brownie. Of course, the owner insists that he will sell only to people who own a medical marijuana license, which is about as difficult to obtain as a Kroger plus card. The owner of “Creme de Canna” says Straw-Mari Cheesecake “is made with local strawberries and a grand marnier reduction.”
Half-pints are $15. Eating an entire carton reportedly is the equivalent of smoking eight joints. The resulting endless munchie cycle, of course, means the owner of “Creme de Canna” will be playing squash will Bill Gates by the end of the week and can finally move out of his current headquarters: a VW van in a Wendy’s parking lot.
Which leads me to Georgia-Tennessee. (Transitions: So overrated.) Mark Richt can use a sedative His team has lost four straight and he’s so lost for ideas that he had the Dogs practice in pads this week and is taking the advice of a caller to his weekly radio show who suggested he lead his players onto the field. I’m thinking of that scene in Animal House when the Delta House crashes the Homecoming Parade and leads the band into an alley and a brick wall.
The Dogs face the Volunteers and, more importantly, coach Derek Dooley, son of, you know. Lose this, and the resulting inferno will make losses to Colorado and Mississippi State look like minor annoyances.
No fear. Eat a TRIPle Fudge Brownie and make the pain go away. Dogs win (but take Tennessee and 11 1/2).
Virginia at Tech: Al Groh, drop-kicked as Virginia’s head coach, says he’s not bitter, or angry, or tearing off the finger nails of 150 toy Cavalier dolls he purchased this week at Target. I love when players and coaches play the denial game. How come Groh’s defense hasn’t been this deceptive? Maybe this is the wakeup call. Jackets cover 10.
Lunch at Georgia State: Savannah State is 0-5 and has been outscored 211-48. I know it’s only year one for Bill Curry but you can always tell a former SEC coach by his scheduling. Panthers by two touchdowns.
LSU at Florida: Les Miles is that guy who could walk across the freeway, stop to pick up a nickel, continue, stop to admire a crow on a power line, continue, turn around and go back home because he forgot he left his glasses, cross the freeway again while humming, “Tie A Yellow Ribbon” and somehow not get touched as drivers swerve into a 37-car pileup. After last week’s escape against Tennessee, we ask: Shouldn’t he change his name to Faust? Gators cover 6 ½.
Alabama at South Carolina: When Steve Spurrier was at Florida and Nick Saban was at LSU, Spurrier won two games by a combined score of 85-24. Also, did you know the temperature on Neptune can get to minus-260 degrees? I figure both are equally relevant. Tide covers 6 ½.
Clemson at North Carolina: Butch Davis apologized this week for “trusting” his excommunicated assistant, John Blake, who’s accused of running for an agent, which suggests he knew nothing about the actions of his assistant head coach and recruiting coordinator. Let me translate: “I’ve never seen my left arm before. My right arm and I were over here sipping a latte during that bank holdup.” Give me Clemson and 2 1/2, and in a straight upset.
NFL Six Pack
Falcons at Browns: The Browns are very excited because Jake Delhomme is back from the injured list. That would be great if it was the 2008 injured list and not 2010 because Delhomme has 9 touchdowns and 20 interceptions since. Falcons cover 3.
Vikings at Jets: Randy Moss whined his way out of New England. So instead of working with Tom Brady, he gets a broken down Brett Favre, who has six interceptions, a fumble, six sacks and one bad ankle. If this doesn’t work, think: Chernobyl. Jets cover 4.
Eagles at 49ers: Michael Vick is out is out for Philly. Michael Psycho is still in for San Francisco. Last season, Mike Singletary tried to pick a fight with the Falcons’ Harvey Dahl. Last week, he pouted after a loss to the Falcons and refused to shake coach Mike Smith’s hand. He now admits to “poor sportsmanship.” An admission to poor coaching is still pending. Take the Eagles and 3 and Philly straight up.
Tebow at Ravens: Tim Tebow still leads the NFL in jersey sales. The replica is just like the real thing. Clean. Baltimore covers 7 over Denver.
“Sack Schultz” Update
So I went 13-2 last week in contest picks, as I steadily work my way back toward total world domination (go with it). Now at 56-19 through five weeks, still trailing several cheaters. “JohnDaly” (Michigan) is the overall leader at 65-10 and “Jeff6683” (Georgia) leads among AJC readers at 63-12.
(Nailed the Georgia loss to Colorado last week. Applause? Anybody?)
Last week: 10-1 straight up, 6-5 against the line.
Bottom dollars: 43-11 straight up, 29-24-1 against the line.
Lock of the week: Deadbolt.