According to Greek mythology, Hades ruled over cursed spirits in the Underworld, until one day he grew tired of his morbid existence, and the fact everybody realized what a blithering idiot he was. So before soul-collecting season was complete, he headed south of Hell to Fayetteville, Arkansas.
We here at Weekend Predictions Inc. realized (belatedly) something was amiss in the spiritual world last week when Georgia, Georgia Tech and the Falcons all lost, corrupting what would have been a solid-gold week of financial projections (8-1 straight up, 6-2-1 against the line, if you don’t count the 0-3 whiff on the locals). But much like when Gozer The Gozerian turned into marshmallow guts in the end, we sense good will overcome evil once again.
To borrow from the noted Gainesville philosopher, Chris Rainey: “Time to Die, Petrino.”
The daubers are down in Dawgland. Georgia got smacked in Columbia. A.J. Green is still in retailing detention. But we sense a turnaround. The stunner is that oddsmakers agree. Georgia favored? Oh well, go with it.
Bobby Petrino returns to Georgia. Anybody got a pie?
Dogs win and cover 2 1/2.
Meanwhile, here’s a little old-school pick-me-up, courtesy of the “Beat Farmers,” covering, “Reason to Believe.” Hey, maybe that dead dog will get up and run.
Pros and Dethroned Heisman Winners
Cardinals at Falcons: After going splat in Pittsburgh, the Falcons are trying to get people excited enough for this game to arrive early by offering food discounts until 12:30. Is it just a coincidence Jonathan Babineaux returns from his ganja suspension? Let’s hope J.B. ain’t puffing in the pre-game because, dude, after a couple of bowlfuls, that family pack with four hot dogs, four bags of chips, four sodas and four candy items for $40 would be looking sa-weet! Where was I? Oh yeah, Falcons cover 6 ½.
Eagles at Lions: Michael Vick looked like a real quarterback against Green Bay. He probably gets the start because Kevin Kolb has a concussion and he didn’t wake up thinking he was Donovan McNabb. Meanwhile, Matthew Stafford has his second shoulder injury in 11 NFL games. Oops. Eagles cover 4.
Saints at Niners: Reggie Bush is really broken up about this whole Heisman thing. Yeah, whatever. Hey, it’s not the first time he has used a trophy to gain something and then gave it away. Just ask Kim Kardashian. New Orleans covers 5.
Giants at Colts: Indy is coming off a loss to Houston. I guess this is what an alternate universe looks like. Colts win but give me the Giants and 5 1/2.
“Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every 10 minutes.” – Thornton Melon, “Back to School.”
Ramblin’ Wreckage at UNC-Nanny: The Heels, despite a scandal-depleted roster, scored nearly as many points against LSU (24) as the Jackets did against Kansas (25). But the real problem is Tech’s defense. How does one allow four touchdowns to Kansas without hallucinogens? Al Groh: Welcome to the hot seat. Don’t know why, but: Take the 1 1/2 and a Tech win.
Jax State at G-State: The Panthers make their Weekend Predictions debut. Attendance dropped from 30,237 in the opener to 12,647 in game two. You would’ve thought they were showing a WNBA game at halftime. There are no official point spreads on Georgia State games yet but I know this much: Jacksonville State’s pretty good (ask Houston Nutt). The G goes down by two TDs.
Florida at Tennessee: Urban Meyer vs. Derek Dooley isn’t nearly as much fun as Steve Spurrier vs. Phil Fulmer, but at least Rainey’s texting gave everybody a storyline this week. Hey, Urban: How’s that “top one percent of the one percent” thing working out for you? Love to go upset here. Not happening. Gators cover 14.
Alabama at Duke: This game looks like a misprint. Duke’s stadium holds 34,000 fans, so basically it’ll be just like an Alabama practice. The Blue Devils beat Alabama back in the 1945 Sugar Bowl. Then they got cocky. In two games subbing for Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson has rushed for 210 yards, three touchdowns and a 6.6 per carry average. Ingram is back this week. Check? Bama covers 24.
Clemson at Auburn: Not sure about the rest of Auburn but Cam Newton (563 yards in total offense) is the real deal. I figured it was better to lead with that than Dabo Swinney vs. Gene Chizik. Auburn covers 6.
East Carolina at Virginia Tech: Coach Frank Beamer said his defense had 16 mental errors and missed assignments last week. Sorry, but when you lose to James Madison, the head coach isn’t commanding a lot of attention in practice. Maybe Beamer needs to borrow Chris Rainey’s cell phone. Still, Hokies cover 19 ½.
Last week: 8-4 straight up, 6-5-1 against the line.
So far, not awful: 16-5 straight up, 12-8-1 against the line.
Lock of the week: Schlage.
SACK SCHULTZ UPDATE: Bill Spackman of Powder Springs went 14-1 last week. I never liked him. I stand at only 21-9 through two weeks, placing me 1,511th out of 4,418. But I’m ready to pounce! Our two-week leaders: “Boatbum” at 28-2. Want to join the fun? Click here for more info and then sign up at ajc.com/go/sack-schultz.