Now, how’s this for timing? Just in time for football season, scientists at the University of Texas have somehow determined that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers. The research might be flawed, given that the study filtered out “socioeconomic status, level of physical activity and quality of social support,” and the last time I checked waking up at 4 a.m. on the floor next to a Waffle House jukebox and smelling like Old Milwaukee and finding a pair of red woman’s underwear in your hand — no wait, that’s another story — tends to impact “socioeconomic status, physical activity and quality of social support.”
But whatever. Dudes! Keggers!
Hello, I’m back.
You know how it works. Every week, I give you the winners. It’s your job to find them. Sometimes, I “lose” games but it’s all part of a larger disinformation campaign to throw off competing investment firms and non-Weekend Predictions members. If you paid your annual $137 dues, you should have by now received your Weekend Predictions, Atlanta Public Schools, Beverly Hall-autographed key card, which
will help you separate the real picks from the phony ones. On a related note, Beverly also is available for Tarot Card readings and she sees massive profits and record-breaking CRCT scores in your future!
Weekend Predictions also has merged with a new company, “Sack Schultz Enterprises,” where you can win fabulous prizes. (Information below.) So welcome back.
Georgia opens this week against Louisiana-Not Baton Rouge. Expectations are high again in Athens, with a new defensive coordinator (Todd Grantham), an experienced offensive line and the possibility that there still might be enough players free on bond to make it through the conference season. The Bulldogs have had eight arrests since March, the most recent involving hit-and-running back Washaun Ealey.
You know, if the leg chains don’t trip them up, the Dogs actually could be decent this year. Oy.
The line says 28. Drink up, I say. Georgia covers.
Week 1 Value Menu
(NCAA Hush Meal: Add fries, a drink and an 80-percent discount on any Steve Spurrier-approved hotel room in Columbia for just $1.)
South Carolina State at Georgia Tech – It’s great that S.C. State wants to test itself outside the MEAC, but these trips can stretch the limits of an HMO. In the last three years, this HBCU has lost games to Clemson and South Carolina (twice) by a combined score of 130-17, give or take a member. Joshua Nesbitt’s Heisman campaign just launched into orbit. No official line so let’s say Tech covers 28.
LSU vs. No-No Carolina: The Tar Heels have suspended defensive tackle Marvin Austin for “neglecting his responsibilities to the team,” which I believe means that if he took money from an agent, he’s supposed to divide it equally among the starting front seven. It’s an old Dean Smith rule. On a related note, the NCAA also would like to know why coach Butch Davis’s former nanny allegedly wrote papers for several North Carolina players. Wonder if the nanny is British? Butch might want to start humming, “A spoonful of sugar.” LSU covers 3.
San Jose State at Alabama: Actual research (it happens): San Jose State soaked its turf practice field this week in hopes that it would replicate the humidity in Tuscaloosa. Question: Did they also fly the Packers in to use as a scout team, because I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing that would’ve prepared them for what’s about to happen. No Mark Ingram? Whatever. Bama covers 37 1/2.
Miami (not that one) at Florida: The Gators begin life without Tim Tebow, Joe Haden and, “The Coed Who Played Cover 2.” No wait. Sorry. The last one was just the name of another Brandon Spikes film. Gators cover 35 over Miami (Ohio).
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee: Derek Dooley hasn’t coached a game yet but he already has a leg up on Lane Kiffin. He’s bowl eligible. Tennessee-Martin? It’s really bad when a school give you the state and the city right in the name and you still have no idea where it is. No line. But Vols will cover my imaginary line of 14.
Boise State vs. Virginia Tech: If you’re looking for BCS officials at this game, they will be wearing maroon and orange, because they’re already in a cold sweat over the possibility that the Broncos will run the table and mess up their flawed tournament. No worries. Gone back and forth on this one but finally decided Tyrod Taylor, Ryan Williams and Bud Foster’s defense trumps a good storyline. Take the gift 2 ½ but Hokies win this straight up upset.
Samford at Florida State: The Seminoles are 15,000 short of a sellout. Maybe they should just hold another public stoning. That usually packs them in at the Board of Trustees meetings. But Noles win by 20-plus.
*** Bonus Thursday Internet Pick ***
Southern Miss at South Carolina: The Gamecocks didn’t have a nanny write their papers. They just lived in a hotel for next to nothing. That Steve Spurrier is a smart guy. He knew it would be hard to justify a nanny when somebody was already cleaning the room. Hah! A win for the poultry but I’m not laying the 14 on this one. Give me Southern Miss and the points.
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There’s Still Time To Sack Me!
Did that sound like a desperate pickup line? Oh well. Just a reminder that the “Sack Schultz” contest is underway. You have a chance to win free tickets to the Georgia-Georgia Tech game, a 37-inch TV and a “Fathead” (though not me), just for out-picking me in college football games every week, which or course is not possible, unless I have a slightly imperfect week, which sometimes I do for ratings purposes. My picks for this week are already in. The response so far has been GREAT. The contest is easy and it’s free! Just pick the winners, no point spreads. For complete information, go to AJC.com/go/sack-schultz and register. Just remember that there are Thursday night games some weeks and selections must be in a couple of hours before kickoff (deadlines are indicated). So battle me every week. See if you can outpick your brother, your sister, your wife, your husband, your nanny, your Labrador. And I would not be happy if I lost to your Labrador.
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