Weekend Predictions: Dogs, Jackets open with wins

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Now, how’s this for timing? Just in time for football season, scientists at the University of Texas have somehow determined that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers. The research might be flawed, given that the study filtered out “socioeconomic status, level of physical activity and quality of social support,” and the last time I checked waking up at 4 a.m. on the floor next to a Waffle House jukebox and smelling like Old Milwaukee and finding a pair of red woman’s underwear in your hand — no wait, that’s another story — tends to impact “socioeconomic status, physical activity and quality of social support.”

Dogs are playing again. Maybe these guys can rest now.

They're tired. So tired.

But whatever. Dudes! Keggers!

Hello, I’m back.

You know how it works. Every week, I give you the winners. It’s your job to find them. Sometimes, I “lose” games but it’s all part of a larger disinformation campaign to throw off competing investment firms and non-Weekend Predictions members. If you paid your annual $137 dues, you should have by now received your Weekend Predictions, Atlanta Public Schools, Beverly Hall-autographed key card, which

Bev's research says Georgia and Tech each will go 27-0, or thereabouts.

Beverly says Georgia and Tech each will go 27-0, or thereabouts.

will help you separate the real picks from the phony ones. On a related note, Beverly also is available for Tarot Card readings and she sees massive profits and record-breaking CRCT scores in your future!

Weekend Predictions also has merged with a new company, “Sack Schultz Enterprises,” where you can win fabulous prizes. (Information below.) So welcome back.

Georgia opens this week against Louisiana-Not Baton Rouge. Expectations are high again in Athens, with a new defensive coordinator (Todd Grantham), an experienced offensive line and the possibility that there still might be enough players free on bond to make it through the conference season. The Bulldogs have had eight arrests since March, the most recent involving hit-and-running back Washaun Ealey.

You know, if the leg chains don’t trip them up, the Dogs actually could be decent this year. Oy.

The line says 28. Drink up, I say. Georgia covers.

Week 1 Value Menu

(NCAA Hush Meal: Add fries, a drink and an 80-percent discount on any Steve Spurrier-approved hotel room in Columbia for just $1.)

South Carolina State at Georgia Tech – It’s great that S.C. State wants to test itself outside the MEAC, but these trips can stretch the limits of an HMO. In the last three years, this HBCU has lost games to Clemson and South Carolina (twice) by a combined score of 130-17, give or take a member. Joshua Nesbitt’s Heisman campaign just launched into orbit. No official line so let’s say Tech covers 28.

Ms. Poppins declined comment when asked if she wrote students' papers on supply-side economics.
Ms. Poppins declined comment when asked if she wrote students’ papers on supply-side economics.

LSU vs. No-No Carolina: The Tar Heels have suspended defensive tackle Marvin Austin for “neglecting his responsibilities to the team,” which I believe means that if he took money from an agent, he’s supposed to divide it equally among the starting front seven. It’s an old Dean Smith rule. On a related note, the NCAA also would like to know why coach Butch Davis’s former nanny allegedly wrote papers for several North Carolina players. Wonder if the nanny is British? Butch might want to start humming, “A spoonful of sugar.” LSU covers 3.

San Jose State at Alabama: Actual research (it happens): San Jose State soaked its turf practice field this week in hopes that it would replicate the humidity in Tuscaloosa. Question: Did they also fly the Packers in to use as a scout team, because I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing that would’ve prepared them for what’s about to happen. No Mark Ingram? Whatever. Bama covers 37 1/2.

Miami (not that one) at Florida: The Gators begin life without Tim Tebow, Joe Haden and, “The Coed Who Played Cover 2.” No wait. Sorry. The last one was just the name of another Brandon Spikes film. Gators cover 35 over Miami (Ohio).

Come on, Urban. You have to let go now. Urban? I'm talking to you, Urban.
Urban, you have to let go now. Urban, I’m talking to you.

Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee: Derek Dooley hasn’t coached a game yet but he already has a leg up on Lane Kiffin. He’s bowl eligible. Tennessee-Martin? It’s really bad when a school give you the state and the city right in the name and you still have no idea where it is. No line. But Vols will cover my imaginary line of 14.

Boise State vs. Virginia Tech: If you’re looking for BCS officials at this game, they will be wearing maroon and orange, because they’re already in a cold sweat over the possibility that the Broncos will run the table and mess up their flawed tournament. No worries. Gone back and forth on this one but finally decided Tyrod Taylor, Ryan Williams and Bud Foster’s defense trumps a good storyline. Take the gift 2 ½ but Hokies win this straight up upset.

Samford at Florida State: The Seminoles are 15,000 short of a sellout. Maybe they should just hold another public stoning. That usually packs them in at the Board of Trustees meetings. But Noles win by 20-plus.

*** Bonus Thursday Internet Pick ***

Southern Miss at South Carolina: The Gamecocks didn’t have a nanny write their papers. They just lived in a hotel for next to nothing. That Steve Spurrier is a smart guy. He knew it would be hard to justify a nanny when somebody was already cleaning the room. Hah! A win for the poultry but I’m not laying the 14 on this one. Give me Southern Miss and the points.

♦ ♦ ♦

There’s Still Time To Sack Me!

LogoGrass_652173aDid that sound like a desperate pickup line? Oh well. Just a reminder that the “Sack Schultz” contest is underway. You have a chance to win free tickets to the Georgia-Georgia Tech game, a 37-inch TV and a “Fathead” (though not me), just for out-picking me in college football games every week, which or course is not possible, unless I have a slightly imperfect week, which sometimes I do for ratings purposes. My picks for this week are already in. The response so far has been GREAT. The contest is easy and it’s free! Just pick the winners, no point spreads. For complete information, go to AJC.com/go/sack-schultz and register. Just remember that there are Thursday night games some weeks and selections must be in a couple of hours before kickoff (deadlines are indicated). So battle me every week. See if you can outpick your brother, your sister, your wife, your husband, your nanny, your Labrador. And I would not be happy if I lost to your Labrador.

Recent episodes on instant re-post . . .

Braves could lose Fredi Gonzalez to Cubs if they don’t hurry

Francoeur needs to take a hint or he’ll go nowhere in career

Aaron Murray will give Georgia what it has been missing

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

185 comments Add your comment

Hankie Aron

September 2nd, 2010
9:01 am

Jeff Schultz

September 2nd, 2010
9:12 am

Hankie — The “first” first of Predictions season. We’ll have to find you a special certificate. And a lollipop.

Old Dawg

September 2nd, 2010
9:14 am

Jeff, thank God it’s football season and your hilarious football column is back — I’m sick to my stomach after watching months of FoxNews for comedic gaffs!

Lowcountry Bulldawg

September 2nd, 2010
9:20 am

O how I missed this column! Love the Spurrier and the Nanny line, classic.

Herschel Talker

September 2nd, 2010
9:20 am

Schultzie:

Urban Meyer lies. Just ask his wife.

HT

DawginLex

September 2nd, 2010
9:21 am

I’m a Dawg but the leg chains line cracked me up.

63-10 UGA

I will settle for 35-0

Go USM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

collegeballfan

September 2nd, 2010
9:22 am

Wonderful piece of writing Schultzie! Maybe your best ever.

So where did you take the writing lessons?

dumb

September 2nd, 2010
9:26 am

what’s an HBCU?
where’s UT-Martin? funny

btgt69

September 2nd, 2010
9:31 am

Jeff, TN – Martin is located in a DRY county in NW TN. That’s why uga won’t play there.

Jeff Schultz

September 2nd, 2010
9:36 am

Thanks Old Dawg. … See, now you’re baiting me on FoxNews. As soon as I say something, Limbaugh Dittoheads are going to come out of the woodwork to call me a leftist pinko or something.

Jeff Schultz

September 2nd, 2010
9:37 am

Lowcountry Bulldawg — Thanks. By the, Julie Andrews had it going on back in the day, don’t you think?

Jeff Schultz

September 2nd, 2010
9:38 am

DawginLex — Thanks. All in fun.

WreckIt

September 2nd, 2010
9:38 am

Sanford Drive – Seriously? I’m not going to predict Tech’s performance this weekend (that’s Schultz’s job) but for you to post that about Tech and also a teaser comparing UGA and UF to Ohio State and Michigan (or heck even the Iron Bowl) takes your credibility to the toilet. Here’s a hint: your game is popular because it’s an excuse to go to the beach and booze, not because of the quality of whoopin UF puts on you annually. If your blog is supposed to be anything more than mindless fan dribble, you’re dawg ain’t hunting yet.

T3

September 2nd, 2010
9:39 am

GT:28 SCST:6 at halftime.

GT plays 2nd & 3rd strings entire second half.

Final: GT:48 SCST:19

Jeff Schultz

September 2nd, 2010
9:39 am

Collegeballfan — Actually, I begin writing lessons in a few weeks. I’ve just been practicing for, like, 30 years.

WreckIt

September 2nd, 2010
9:40 am

T3 – Here’s hoping we get the break in the 2nd and 3rd strings this year. Last year was full of lots of close victories, and no rest for the weary!

Jeff Schultz

September 2nd, 2010
9:40 am

Dumb — historically black colleges and universities. Or were you just playing “Dumb”?

One dimensional dogs

September 2nd, 2010
9:40 am

La Laf will have 2 picks and just like last year, the redneck nation will look like fools. It will get worse next week.

DawginLex

September 2nd, 2010
9:41 am

Wreckit is jealous because GT doesn’t have a rivalry game that is close to the GA/UF game.

Great football
hot women
Lots of fun
Best conference in the country.

Tech doesn’t have anything like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff Schultz

September 2nd, 2010
9:41 am

BTGT69 — Seriously? That’s funny. Maybe they should read the Texas study.

SOUTH GA DAWG FAN

September 2nd, 2010
9:41 am

I have signed up for your contest and when i notice we had most of the same picks i changed mine thats a good strategy right?
Great Writing!

Oar

September 2nd, 2010
9:43 am

The comedic gaffE is living in the white house idiot.

Admiral Ackbar

September 2nd, 2010
9:43 am

Beverly Hall looks suspiciously like James Earl Jones in drag and talks like Darth Vader. How is Lord Jabba Perdue’s investigation going, or are they really working together, as I suspect.

Admiral Ackbar

September 2nd, 2010
9:45 am

Enter your comments here

Joey

September 2nd, 2010
9:45 am

Old Dawg, you should try MSNBC if you like unintentional comedy . . .

Joey

September 2nd, 2010
9:46 am

Oh, and funny stuff, Jeff, you leftist pinko you!

Admiral Ackbar

September 2nd, 2010
9:47 am

Sorry, Darth was tinkering with my computer. Beverly Hall looks suspiciously like James Earl Jones in drag, and she has a voice like Darth Vader. How is Lord Jabba Perdue’s investigation going, or are they really working together, as I suspect.

papadawg

September 2nd, 2010
9:53 am

Why keep showing that disgusting photo of Tebow/Meyer hugs. We all know meyer wasn’t having health problems, he was trying to run away from home to be with Tebow

AlwaysAVol

September 2nd, 2010
9:53 am

Well…when you start learnin them writin lessons, I hope they learn you how to talk good English like I do. I am so thankful for a column that makes me laugh. Too much bad news, too little Schultz…

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

September 2nd, 2010
9:54 am

good times, glad the season has started!!! if boise wins, then you know ESPN will be all over them, demanding a consideration for a BCS champion pick.

PMC

September 2nd, 2010
9:56 am

Schultz… you have to agree though that a hotel with a limo service ferrying drunken collegiates instead of them “emerging from alley’s” in motor vehicles…is just good for all of us.

Alabama Jack

September 2nd, 2010
9:57 am

How do you score a forfeit when one team doesn’t have enough eligible players?

Doofus Dawg

September 2nd, 2010
9:58 am

When the midget, Aaron Murray, throws his 2nd pic of the game Richt will panic and put in Mason. Mason will then fall to pieces. I am calling for an upset with the Lousy-Anna Rajun Cajuns beating the Doggies by a field goal late in the 4th qtr. I cannot wait to hear all the excuses flowing on here then….man will that be funny!

[...] Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog) [...]

DawginLex

September 2nd, 2010
10:03 am

doofus,

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damon Evans

September 2nd, 2010
10:03 am

I will be selling red panties prior to the game on Saturday to raise funds to pay my legal bills. Show your support of UGA by wearing the red panties on your head during the game. Or you can just hold them in your lap like I did.

Vixzilla

September 2nd, 2010
10:07 am

Thank
God Football season is here. I feel all warm and Fuzzy inside………I did eat a live cat this morning though.

Murphy

September 2nd, 2010
10:08 am

Great article as usual Jeff. I have not had this much fun reading articles since the days of my favorite Lewis Grizzard. Well done,keep them comming.

PTC DAWG

September 2nd, 2010
10:09 am

LOL at the Petrino comment on the board. Good stuff.

1eyedJack

September 2nd, 2010
10:11 am

How ’bout you Tech Zombies post with your usual names so we can come back after Saturday and make fun of your stupidity.

I'm just holding these red panties for her...

September 2nd, 2010
10:12 am

Glad football is here but all the games pit tanks against butter knives!

DDPO

September 2nd, 2010
10:13 am

I have a feeling that UGA will pitch a shut out this weekend.

Lowcountry Bulldawg

September 2nd, 2010
10:13 am

Jeff, If she was my nany back in the day she could have left a British accent on me anytime! :)

1eyedJack

September 2nd, 2010
10:14 am

And Jeff, it’s a good idea that you stick to writing humorous football columns and stay away from political observations….since you suck at that.

Joey

September 2nd, 2010
10:14 am

Enter your comments here

Lowcountry Bulldawg

September 2nd, 2010
10:15 am

She also had some long fingers to wrap around your pencil for extra help in practicing your writing technique…

DP

September 2nd, 2010
10:17 am

“Sometimes, I “lose” games”

Sorry Jeff, on internet forums it is more commonly spelled “loose”.

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john Boy

September 2nd, 2010
10:19 am

Hey Schultz, i guess working for the AJC you need an extra buck on your pickem contest, but you guys want way to much personal information for a 37″ tv.

Panther

September 2nd, 2010
10:20 am

Jeff, where’s the pick for the “Clash of the Titans”, GSU vs Shorter?