Down for the Count: Bikini-ball, everything Petrino touches and ‘Real Housewife of Flowery Branch’

The Count learned vodka and plasma don't mix.

The Count didn't mind showing some leg.

The Count never had a problem when the whole “sex sells” thing hit sports. Shirley “Cha Cha” Muldowney was one his earliest crushes. Then came Dororthy Hamill. Then Jan Stephenson, because really, when you get right down to it, what’s hotter than a girl talking about a manifold, or a flying camel, or a 5-iron off the pine tree? And I realize by now you’re all wondering: Does every one of the Count’s dream girls date back to the Dust Bowl? Well, yeah. Especially now. The epitome of the “sex sells” sports tours just folded. I mean, if hot, sweaty girls in bikinis on the beach can’t sell, what possible chance does the WNBA have? We count down . . .

10. Bye bye to the AVP (that’s volleyball) and their dancers

Maybe it was the name. The Association of Volleyball Professionals just didn’t work, but I guess AVP figured “Hot Babes in Bikinis” was too obvious. The league just folded. It didn’t really have teams, as in cities, but the tour passed through Atlanta. A news release on the tour’s website reads: The AVP Tour today announced it has closed its doors due to financial hardship, cutting short the 2010 season. The AVP has been unsuccessful at finding new investors,” which is stunning. I mean, tanning products, strip clubs, bars, strip clubs, any place where guys frequent, strip clubs — nobody would buy ads? The AVP did everything but have mud wrestling between matches. (Wait a minute. I think I just figured out what could get me to a WNBA game . . .)

9. The girls in bikins had bikini’d cheerleaders

celebeatrion

These were the players.

avpdanceteam

These were the dancers.

The AVP didn’t stop at women competitors in itsy-bitsy suits. The tour had an entire AVP dance team wearing itsy-bity suits. They could’ve scratched ticket sales altogether, filmed the matches in a studio and put it online with one of those “secure” webpage fronts that read: “Are you 18? Click here” (wink, wink).”

As of now, the AVP will be closing the doors,” the tour said in an e-mail to its players from CEO Jason Hodell and commissioner Mike Dodd. “It is with a heavy heart that we must tell you that despite a valiant effort by all and a flurry of investor interest, we have been unable to secure the necessary financing to continue the season.” But if they couldn’t sell this, this might be a good time to get out of sales.

8. The must-see fight: Holyfield vs. Canseco

Jose Canseco: Next stop, raw sewage cleaner.

Jose Canseco's next stop on the Humiliation Tour: Laredo.

Just a few days after 47-year-old Evander Holyfield confirmed his next fight, Jose Canseco one-upped him. He just signed with the United Baseball League’s Laredo Broncos, a team so low that even Jordan Schafer’s not there yet. The assumption is that Canseco, 46, needs the money. TMZ reported (I use that loosely) that he has  been evicted from the Los Angeles home he was rented. Apparently, helping uncover steroid use in baseball doesn’t pay that well. According to a story in the Laredo Morning Times:Canseco, who played 17 years in [the major leagues], will play designated hitter and fill in as bench coach and spot pitcher for the Broncos.” This should be priceless YouTube video forthcoming. Canseco already has been clocked by MMA giant Hong Man Choi and more recently was outboxed by a 60 year old. But we here The Countdown wish Mr. Canseco and all of his personalities well. We’ve called the great Marty Robbins back from the great beyond for this special sendoff:

7. Bobby Petrino doesn’t have a sense of humor? Who knew?

And he said from the dais: Take off that hat or I'll smite thee.

And then Petrino said, "Take off the hat or I'll smite thee."

There are a few things that generally come natural to members of the sports media, and by sports media I mean people who actually took a journalism class at some point in their life, can put together complete thoughts without the aid of 64 Crayolas and did not hone their craft after guzzling a six-pack of Old Milwaukee at 2 a.m. by posting anonymous nonsensical ramblings under such screen names as GODZILLADOGG74!!!!  Anyway, one thing a media type shouldn’t do is wear a hat or shirt representing an opposing team (or any sports team, for that matter). Now, that said: Is it a fireable offense? No. Which leads to reason No. 879 why Bobby Petrino is a dirt bag. Below, you’ll see video of a Petrino news conference. He’s taking a question from an Arkansas radio personality, whose station’s allegiances are fairly clear (name: “Hog Sports Radio”). It turns out Ms. Renee Gork was wearing a Florida Gators hat when she asked the question. Petrino actually answered the question, then told Gork he wouldn’t answer another question from her as long as she was wearing that hat. Well, when Petrino speaks, apparently the entire state shakes because Gork was fired. Gork, a Florida alum, said she only grabbed the hat at home because it was raining. “If I’d really thought he was serious and was very upset and mad at the situation I would have taken it off,” she said. “I really did think it was a joke and just kind of a jab. It wasn’t until after the press conference that one of the [media relations staff] members told me it wasn’t.” Here’s the thing. She was wrong. But to lose your job over it? Quarterback Ryan Mallett saw the hat and made a joke of it. Petrino, as we know, doesn’t have a sense of humor. Or a sense of much else.

6. Dumb Media Story No. 2

This isn't the Cincinnati reporter -- just another chucklehead with a credential.

This isn't the Cincinnati reporter. Just another credentialed chucklehead, probably.

Apparently two other members of the media committed cardinal sin No. 1: They were honest on their expense account. Wait. What I meant to say was they committed cardinal sin No. 2: They asked for an autograph. A writer and photographer, reportedly from Cincinnati but still unidentified as The Count went to post, asked Tim Tebow for autographs in the locker room after the Denver Broncos’ exhibition game Sunday night. Tebow obliged (of course) and then a Broncos PR person kicked them out. In this case, the rest of the media would’ve supported a public stoning. On a related note, Petrino tried to fire the writer and photographer but it turned out Ohio was outside of his jurisdiction.

5. Jim Mora given a microphone (this won’t end well)

An embrace, Falcons' fans, between two of your all-time favorites.

An embrace, Falcons' fans, between two of your all-time favorites.

Given his general lack of  people skills, leadership ability, emotional stability, vision and occasionally common sense — that about covers it — The Count doubts Jim Mora ever will be an NFL head coach again. But his next career venture could prove interesting. Fox just named Mora, the former Falcons and Seattle coach, as an analyst on the network’s No. 3 broadcast team. There’s no word on which of Mora’s partners, Dick Stockton and Charles Davis, is responsible for holding the fire extinguisher. But here’s something worth noting: Fox is carrying 13 of the Falcons’ 16 games (including the Dec. 19 game against Seattle). Odds are Mora will be working at least one of the games. Maybe he can interview Arthur Blank at halftime, and Blank can ask Mora if he ever landed that gig at Washington.

4. Johnson blew it, but PGA blew it more

Dustin Johnson is standing just behind Fred Sanford, hitting out of a bunker.

Dustin Johnson is behind Fred Sanford, hitting out of a bunker.

Congratulations to the PGA, which not only is is suffering from declining ratings (thanks in part to Tiger Woods’ career plummet) but managed to turn one of its majors into a sideshow. Yes, Dustin Johnson did a stupid thing by grounding his club in a bunker (assuming that was a bunker because that looked a lot like Fred Sanford’s front yard). Seriously, that course in Wisconsin was a joke. And would it have been so wrong for an official to remind Johnson, “That’s a bunker”? So now the Tour has to live with a disastrous ending to one of its signature events. Who’s fault is that?

3. The Real HouseTwits Invade Falcon-land

Apparently there was some catfight in which Kim said NeNe choked her. I dunno.

Apparently there was a catfight. Kim said NeNe choked her. I dunno.

I realize Kroy Biermann is just a simple dude from Hardin, Montana (population: 3,384) and this whole concept of “celebrity life” is probably really cool to him. But dude — careful here. The Falcons’ defensive end, as you may have heard, is dating Kim Zolciak from another one of those braincell-burning reality shows (”Real House Wives of Atlanta”) that screams to the rest of the world: “Hey, look how stupid we are.” Now, what Kroy wants to do in his personal life is Kroy’s business, even if what Kim does with her personal life has been pretty much everybody’s business (feel free to Google; I just washed my hands and I think I went blind). But when it starts to potentially affect the Falcons’ season, that’s something else, and Ms. Z showed up at Falcons’ practice Monday in Flowery Branch. Fortunately, there were no Bravo TV cameras with her or hidden in the trees, as far as anybody can tell. This would be a good time for Blank to beef up security. This organization has had enough TMZ moments.

2. Rodriguez punches a grandfather (not a save opportunity)

Should Francisco Rodriguez get credit for finding his way out of the Mets' season?

Francisco Rodriguez found a way to get out of the Mets' season.

In further proof that even God likes a good New York Mets joke once in a while, reliever Francisco Rodriguez apparently suffered a torn thumb ligament on his pitching hand after punching the father of his baby momma. The funniest remark may have come from manager Jerry Manuel, who said: “We seem to continue to have difficulties in having these type of injuries or setbacks.” Question: How many decades was Manuel covering? Of course, we have heard nothing from baseball commissioner Bud Selig, who presumably is napping. Think NFL commissioner Roger Goodell might be issuing a fine, a suspension or maybe leg chains? Rodriguez’ injury might crack the top 10 of all-time sports injuries, but No. 1 is safe: Former NFL quarterback Gus Frerotte head-butted a padded concrete wall after a touchdown. He suffered a sprained neck, a concussion and a lifetime of humiliation.

1. Slumber time . . .

Feel free to send up a signal after the season.

Feel free to send up a signal after the season.

Did you know that bats can hibernate for over six months? Fear not, it shouldn’t be that long. But The Count is going night-night for a while. The football season and Weekend Predictions are almost upon us, and there’s room for only so many hallucinations in one week. We hope we’ve added a few laughs to your Tuesdays.

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

125 comments Add your comment

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Florida Gators, Jeff Schultz. Jeff Schultz said: Down for the Count(down): Bikini-ball, Canseco, Petrino and the ‘Real Housewife of Flowery Branch’ http://bit.ly/92JrcM [...]

Mike S

August 17th, 2010
2:22 am

Great stuff as always. We’ll miss you Count…

Innocent Bystander

August 17th, 2010
2:25 am

Great read, Jeff.

And I completely agree that the PGA really blew it. Not helping their cause, that’s for sure. I’m just glad he didn’t sink the putt for the “win”… that would’ve been a really awkward conversation telling him that he didn’t actually win.

Supes

August 17th, 2010
2:27 am

Jeff, I think you missed a major point on why the AVP Crocs Tour (see, they had a sponsor) folded…I went to the tournament in Atlanta a few years ago and it was a packed house (esp. for the finals on sunday). The faces of the female side of it (main draw) were Misty May and Kerry Walsh, they both took time away from that tour to start their family lives, which meant they were going to miss at least 1 full season maybe more. Ever since they stopped playing (I think it was 2 years ago), attendance on this tour started to drop. They had nobody equal to advertise around, and lets face it…even someone who doesn’t follow sports like World Cup or Olympics has heard of Misty May and Kerri Walsh who are 2 time gold olympic champs in beach volleyball.

[...] Down for the Count(down): Bikini-ball, Canseco, Petrino and the … [...]

[...] View full post on dustin johnson bunker video [...]

Festus

August 17th, 2010
4:48 am

I heard that the count is involved with some sort of fantasy league and cannot be trifled with such distracting appearances for the football season. It seems that either he or Oscar had won the league championship every year until last season when Elmo took it all by drafting Drew Brees. Word is that Elmo had been talking trash all winter and has taken out a restraining order on Oscar after the green one tried to beat him to death with a rake. … Nice work Jeff. Love the cool photo of Shirley Muldowney. She looks like Penelope Pitstop on that old Saturday morning cartoon.

F-105 Thunderchief

August 17th, 2010
6:22 am

If there were ever a countdown that needed a click to enlarge feature on its photos, it’s this one. Oh well.

I think at this point, Jeff, you can just write dirt bag and we’ll know who you mean. It’ll save you time and letters.

Kim Z is delicious looking and all, but she is surely a headache. I mean, she was dating another woman about three months ago. There are lots of hot babe options for any NFL player, so Kroy, please find one with less drama, if you know what’s good for you.

renee gork | WebBuzz

August 17th, 2010
6:32 am

[...] Jeff Schultz Buzz: It turns out Ms. Renee Gork was wearing a Florida Gators hat when she asked the question. Petrino actually answered the question, then told Gork he wouldn’t answer another question from her as long as she was wearing … [...]

Renee Gork

August 17th, 2010
6:34 am

[...] was sporting a Gators cap at a news conference with … Wearing Florida hat to press conference getRenee Gork – That's the lesson Renee Gork has learned. The KAKS radio personality says she's been fired after [...]

Southside Dawg

August 17th, 2010
6:48 am

Numb nuts Petrino gives even Arkansas a bad name. Will there be any Count mental juices left for picks? My unemployment has run out and I need some locks or maybe even a middle.

Tommy

August 17th, 2010
7:01 am

So much good material, so little time! Great read!

Larry

August 17th, 2010
7:27 am

Jeff,

Funny and entertaining, but I wholeheartedly agree with your more than underlying point about Biermann. If I were the coach or GM I would pull this second string, mountain man aside as say “this city has had enough drama with Vick and Hall in recent years, and the last thing we need right now is to lose focus or have an unnecessary distraction at our practice sessions as we try to propel this team back into the playoffs. No more side shows!”

The above is the diplomatic approach. My approach to Kroy were I his friend or relative would be: “What in the hell is wrong with you, you stupid f___ing idiot? This broad has absorbed the highest variety of sperm since Madonna and do you think she completes you or will make your momma proud?”

Personally, I hope any player this dumb and irresponsible gets cut!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

August 17th, 2010
7:37 am

Good Stuff JS- we’ll miss the count, hopefully he can keep his white blood cell count up. Maybe Mora & Petrino can join him??

bugman

August 17th, 2010
7:43 am

Enjoy your snooze Count.

Bring on Fridays!

GODZILLADOGG74!!!!

August 17th, 2010
7:44 am

Jeff, absolutely love the stuff – never fails to make me laugh. I’m even forwarding your opening Mutts line to a friend with unfortunate taste in sports teams. But you also provided an inadvertent chuckle shortly after admonishing bloggers for incoherent ramblings when you wrote this: “Given his general lack of people skills, leadership ability, emotional stability, vision and occasionally common sense — that about covers it — The Count …” And yes, I do realize this comment will go wayyyy over the heads of 99.9 of your blogging audience (”He he, he said ‘dangling’”), but couldn’t pass on the easy jab. Hate to see the Count head into hibernation, but that’s a fitting way to check out!

John

August 17th, 2010
7:46 am

Don’t let your disdain for Bobby Petrino cause you to mislead the readers on what happened in Arkansas concerning the reporter for Hog Sports Radio being fired. Hog Sports Radio caved in to numerous fan complaints. Petrino only told her that he wouldn’t take another question from her with the hat on and that was the end of it as far as he was concerned. The broadcast station took it a step further. I think it’s silly to have fired her, but we all know there would be similar uproars if the same situation happened at other campuses. Imagine if a reporter for the official Florida Gator broadcast outlet showed up at Florida press conference after two-a-days wearing UGA attire or vice versa, or if a reporter with the official Georgia Bulldog media outlet showed up at a UGA post two-a-day press conference with Ga. Tech attire. Or better yet try the same situation at an Auburn/Alabama post practice press conference. I’m sure Saban, Richt, Meyer, et. al. wouldn’t appreciate it just as Petrino didn’t. Also fans affiliated with those campuses would probably complain just as the folks did at Arkansas.

Barnacle Bill Bavasi

August 17th, 2010
7:47 am

Jim Mora Jr. = Kim Zolciak

Bob Didier Caught Here

August 17th, 2010
7:47 am

Count why is it that you always come and go in the night like this? I mean come on dude……..one day you’re here for awhile and the next you’re gone?

Anyway, word to Mr Biermann. I know how easy it must be to get sucked into the big life of living in Atlanta and all (I know…….I once owned the town but now I enjoy the peaceful and quiet times living in Jacksonville Beach) but please be careful with this narcissitic piece of tripe. As long as this woman can find someone to buy her act then she will never change.

Anyway Count, I wish you peaceful dreams in your hibernation!

Paul in RDU

August 17th, 2010
7:52 am

Bravo Jeff – definitely one of The Count’s best.

MightyQuinn

August 17th, 2010
7:57 am

NOOOOOOOOO! Say it ain’t so! Oh, well. Good things never last forever. Adios and Vaya Con Dios, Count! Or should I say, Hasta La Vista?

Out in the West Texas Town of El Paso

August 17th, 2010
7:59 am

Bobby Petrino rocks! I hope he falls in love with a Mexican gal.

Matt

August 17th, 2010
8:09 am

Petrino is an absolute MISERABLE excuse for a human being. What an a$$-hat.

Chris

August 17th, 2010
8:12 am

Did Petrino have to check what hat he was wearing before he said anything? I mean, it’s hard to keep track of where you’re at some days with all the bridges being on fire behind you.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

August 17th, 2010
8:18 am

me thinks Holyfield will tear Canseco apart.

Unsettling visual

August 17th, 2010
8:20 am

That photo of the guy assuming the position with Tim Tebow is, uh, disturbing.

JDW

August 17th, 2010
8:21 am

Jeff, it would not hurt you to do a bit of research before you start spouting. The PGA of America runs the PGA Championship and is responsible for the recent debacle. The PGA Tour is a seperate and unconnected organization and runs the PGA Tour. While the PGA Championship is a major golf event it is not a “signature Tour event”. I imagine had the Tour actually been running last weeks championship we would not be having this discussion.

Mike Lum fan

August 17th, 2010
8:29 am

Pretty good Jeff, thanks. Was it Grammatica that hurt himself one time celebrating a made FG? That has to be number 2.

dean

August 17th, 2010
8:30 am

Jim Mora? Huh? Hackers. My anti-virus subscription must have expired.

Joey

August 17th, 2010
8:30 am

A “Countdown” worth waiting for. Good stuff, Jeff.

Wo Fat

August 17th, 2010
8:45 am

JS….I gotta admit, ole’ B Petrino really is a piece of work and what’s worse, is the Arkansas fans (most Arkansas fans) worship him, but little Ms Gork (or is it Dork) shows what I’ve know for better than 45 years..Florida fans are the most gracious in defeat and the most obnoxious when winning and yes her arrogance showed and it cost her job. Good riddance to stupidity.

Joey

August 17th, 2010
8:48 am

Jeff, I don’t know about the hibernating-thing with vampires. My wife, after reading the entire “Twilight” book series (and she doesn’t like anything “scary”) forced me to take her to all three movies to date (only one to go, she promised) (unless more are written, I fear). Anyway, in the first one, a vampire tells the central character that “vampires don’t ever sleep.” Just thought I’d let you know that . . .

Also, is it just me, or is Jeff getting funnier with age? I predict a stand-up career when he tires of making fun of Canseco.

Paddy

August 17th, 2010
8:48 am

I heard the Count lost a ton as one of the first investors of the Volley Ball League? Who is his financial advisor, the Butler/ Mechlinburgh County School System of South Carolina?

Russ the Not-So-Temporary Mascot

August 17th, 2010
8:51 am

Well, good to see the Count disappearing for a while. I don’t need the competition. I want all the attention right now. See, I’m being exploited. Seems I’m good enough to be the mascot to start another season but not good enough to be in the running to be UGA VIII. So they’ll be slapping a can of white paint on my nether parts and trotting me out there on game day, while they tell TV people I’m old and sick. Oh the humanity!—er, Oh the caninity! Or something like that.

Rise up, Dawg fans! While Schultz is preparing to show his bona fides for the 100% Wrong Club for the coming season, write letters and make phone calls demanding Russ’s appointment as UGA VIII. You’ll feel a lot better about yourself, even if we do end up in Shreveport together in December.

Paddy

August 17th, 2010
8:52 am

JDW…great point about PGA America. That golf course could have been a real beauty if Mr Santa didn’t help design it. He should stick to designing toilet fixtures. The only thing missing from that course is the Clown’s Mouth and Windmill holes.

Joey

August 17th, 2010
9:00 am

Russ, go fetch a stick in the middle of I-75! Your stuff has gotten repetitive, and silly.

Mr. Phil

August 17th, 2010
9:02 am

Wow. Sometimes I forget how valuable the count is. Anytime you can get a Gus Ferotte reference into a conversation, you are doing some quality work.

Paddy

August 17th, 2010
9:02 am

The good thing about Petrino’s personality is that it is keeping him out of Georgia and recruiting HS players. HS coaches across the State have pretty much shut the door on Mr. Coward. Arkansas used to do some damage in this state, not any more! In fact, they have all but quit in being taken serious around here.

juice

August 17th, 2010
9:03 am

Man the PGA really blew it. Just rediculous.

washedup

August 17th, 2010
9:09 am

Well said, Paddy. I kept hearing the announcers talk about “this great course”, and I thought the audio and video were somehow out of sync, because the golf course they were showing on TV looked like a goat track you might find in Hahira. . .Chicpee Woods, now that’s a great golf course!

Walker, Texas Ranger

August 17th, 2010
9:09 am

What was Marty Robbins thinking when he put that shirt on? “If singing doesn’t work out, I can be a jockey” No wonder El Paso was his only hit. Country fans don’t take kindly to folks that dress like Boy George.

PMC

August 17th, 2010
9:10 am

Why would she apologise to Petrino for wearing her own school colors?

When has Petrino shown loyalty to anything in his snakelike existance?

He’s got one of the best QB’s in football again this year and again they are going to get killed because he can’t do anything with the defense.

For the life of me, I don’t get why people think he should be a head coach. He’s an OC. He has NO people skills whatsoever. He should be banned from public speaking.

He’s not going to bring Arkansas any success they weren’t able to attain under Houston Nutt. The guy is a legend in his own mind. His last good year was in the Big East. He’s too small time to be big time.

meh

August 17th, 2010
9:10 am

10/9 – chicks in bikinis rule
8. Canseco is worthless
7. Petrino is also worthless. I hope UGA destroys Arkansas and their Lurch looking QB.
6. at least somone with a promising career’s autograph
5. Mora was the worst falcons coach until Petrino came along
4. the PGA has too many stupid rules that don’t matter
3. I hate reality shows and everyone involved with them
2. who cares, the Mets blow
1. see on the flip side Count

meh

August 17th, 2010
9:11 am

6. at least get …

Tim Tebow's Tears

August 17th, 2010
9:23 am

Great read Jeff. Glad there’s someone with talent at the AJC!

savannahdawg

August 17th, 2010
9:24 am

Petrino is an ass! I know wearing the hat wasn’t the coolest thing to do, but to lose her job is just stupid!

Joey

August 17th, 2010
9:25 am

meh, so, if you were a gambler, and gambling were, you know, legal, and you could place a bet on whether or not Teabow would be a successful NFL QB, you would really bet against him?

As a UGA grad, I’m not a Teabow-lover, but Teabow-haters amaze me. He is humble, he loves to play, he has a great attitude (quote: “I’ll do anything or play anywhere the coach asks me to”), he is big and fast, can throw the ball, and has a coach who is known for developing QBs.

He won’t be the next P Manning, but he can do things Manning can’t do. Did you see him run over the safety on his TD last weekend?

I’m one Dawg who will be pulling for him on Sundays.

Idot

August 17th, 2010
9:27 am

Jim Mora can’t be any worse than Tony Slobagoosey, and his broadcasting crew mates.
Their work in the Falcons vs 49ers game last year, was disgraceful. They should have been fired.
I still remember the Slob and that old Fullback from the Cowboys rambling on for 5 minutes about the great timeout that the 49ers coach called in the 1st period, “one of the greatest timeouts ever called, in the history of the NFL.

Idot

August 17th, 2010
9:30 am

Walker@9;09……..Marty Robbins, was one of the greatest C&W singers of all-time.

Paddy

August 17th, 2010
9:41 am

Walker Texas Ranger….don’t disrespect a great hall of fame C&W singer like Marty. He’s no George Jones but he is still one of us!