Down for the Count: Bikini-ball, everything Petrino touches and ‘Real Housewife of Flowery Branch’

The Count didn't mind showing some leg.

The Count never had a problem when the whole “sex sells” thing hit sports. Shirley “Cha Cha” Muldowney was one his earliest crushes. Then came Dororthy Hamill. Then Jan Stephenson, because really, when you get right down to it, what’s hotter than a girl talking about a manifold, or a flying camel, or a 5-iron off the pine tree? And I realize by now you’re all wondering: Does every one of the Count’s dream girls date back to the Dust Bowl? Well, yeah. Especially now. The epitome of the “sex sells” sports tours just folded. I mean, if hot, sweaty girls in bikinis on the beach can’t sell, what possible chance does the WNBA have? We count down . . .

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10. Bye bye to the AVP (that’s volleyball) and their dancers

Maybe it was the name. The Association of Volleyball Professionals just didn’t work, but I guess AVP figured “Hot Babes in Bikinis” was too obvious. The league just folded. It didn’t really have teams, as in cities, but the tour passed through Atlanta. A news release on the tour’s website reads: The AVP Tour today announced it has closed its doors due to financial hardship, cutting short the 2010 season. The AVP has been unsuccessful at finding new investors,” which is stunning. I mean, tanning products, strip clubs, bars, strip clubs, any place where guys frequent, strip clubs — nobody would buy ads? The AVP did everything but have mud wrestling between matches. (Wait a minute. I think I just figured out what could get me to a WNBA game . . .)

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9. The girls in bikins had bikini’d cheerleaders

These were the players.

These were the dancers.

The AVP didn’t stop at women competitors in itsy-bitsy suits. The tour had an entire AVP dance team wearing itsy-bity suits. They could’ve scratched ticket sales altogether, filmed the matches in a studio and put it online with one of those “secure” webpage fronts that read: “Are you 18? Click here” (wink, wink).”

As of now, the AVP will be closing the doors,” the tour said in an e-mail to its players from CEO Jason Hodell and commissioner Mike Dodd. “It is with a heavy heart that we must tell you that despite a valiant effort by all and a flurry of investor interest, we have been unable to secure the necessary financing to continue the season.” But if they couldn’t sell this, this might be a good time to get out of sales.

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8. The must-see fight: Holyfield vs. Canseco

Jose Canseco's next stop on the Humiliation Tour: Laredo.

Just a few days after 47-year-old Evander Holyfield confirmed his next fight, Jose Canseco one-upped him. He just signed with the United Baseball League’s Laredo Broncos, a team so low that even Jordan Schafer’s not there yet. The assumption is that Canseco, 46, needs the money. TMZ reported (I use that loosely) that he has  been evicted from the Los Angeles home he was rented. Apparently, helping uncover steroid use in baseball doesn’t pay that well. According to a story in the Laredo Morning Times: “Canseco, who played 17 years in [the major leagues], will play designated hitter and fill in as bench coach and spot pitcher for the Broncos.” This should be priceless YouTube video forthcoming. Canseco already has been clocked by MMA giant Hong Man Choi and more recently was outboxed by a 60 year old. But we here The Countdown wish Mr. Canseco and all of his personalities well. We’ve called the great Marty Robbins back from the great beyond for this special sendoff:

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7. Bobby Petrino doesn’t have a sense of humor? Who knew?

And then Petrino said, "Take off the hat or I'll smite thee."

There are a few things that generally come natural to members of the sports media, and by sports media I mean people who actually took a journalism class at some point in their life, can put together complete thoughts without the aid of 64 Crayolas and did not hone their craft after guzzling a six-pack of Old Milwaukee at 2 a.m. by posting anonymous nonsensical ramblings under such screen names as GODZILLADOGG74!!!!  Anyway, one thing a media type shouldn’t do is wear a hat or shirt representing an opposing team (or any sports team, for that matter). Now, that said: Is it a fireable offense? No. Which leads to reason No. 879 why Bobby Petrino is a dirt bag. Below, you’ll see video of a Petrino news conference. He’s taking a question from an Arkansas radio personality, whose station’s allegiances are fairly clear (name: “Hog Sports Radio”). It turns out Ms. Renee Gork was wearing a Florida Gators hat when she asked the question. Petrino actually answered the question, then told Gork he wouldn’t answer another question from her as long as she was wearing that hat. Well, when Petrino speaks, apparently the entire state shakes because Gork was fired. Gork, a Florida alum, said she only grabbed the hat at home because it was raining. “If I’d really thought he was serious and was very upset and mad at the situation I would have taken it off,” she said. “I really did think it was a joke and just kind of a jab. It wasn’t until after the press conference that one of the [media relations staff] members told me it wasn’t.” Here’s the thing. She was wrong. But to lose your job over it? Quarterback Ryan Mallett saw the hat and made a joke of it. Petrino, as we know, doesn’t have a sense of humor. Or a sense of much else.

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6. Dumb Media Story No. 2

This isn't the Cincinnati reporter. Just another credentialed chucklehead, probably.

Apparently two other members of the media committed cardinal sin No. 1: They were honest on their expense account. Wait. What I meant to say was they committed cardinal sin No. 2: They asked for an autograph. A writer and photographer, reportedly from Cincinnati but still unidentified as The Count went to post, asked Tim Tebow for autographs in the locker room after the Denver Broncos’ exhibition game Sunday night. Tebow obliged (of course) and then a Broncos PR person kicked them out. In this case, the rest of the media would’ve supported a public stoning. On a related note, Petrino tried to fire the writer and photographer but it turned out Ohio was outside of his jurisdiction.

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5. Jim Mora given a microphone (this won’t end well)

An embrace, Falcons' fans, between two of your all-time favorites.

Given his general lack of  people skills, leadership ability, emotional stability, vision and occasionally common sense — that about covers it — The Count doubts Jim Mora ever will be an NFL head coach again. But his next career venture could prove interesting. Fox just named Mora, the former Falcons and Seattle coach, as an analyst on the network’s No. 3 broadcast team. There’s no word on which of Mora’s partners, Dick Stockton and Charles Davis, is responsible for holding the fire extinguisher. But here’s something worth noting: Fox is carrying 13 of the Falcons’ 16 games (including the Dec. 19 game against Seattle). Odds are Mora will be working at least one of the games. Maybe he can interview Arthur Blank at halftime, and Blank can ask Mora if he ever landed that gig at Washington.

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4. Johnson blew it, but PGA blew it more

Dustin Johnson is behind Fred Sanford, hitting out of a bunker.

Congratulations to the PGA, which not only is is suffering from declining ratings (thanks in part to Tiger Woods’ career plummet) but managed to turn one of its majors into a sideshow. Yes, Dustin Johnson did a stupid thing by grounding his club in a bunker (assuming that was a bunker because that looked a lot like Fred Sanford’s front yard). Seriously, that course in Wisconsin was a joke. And would it have been so wrong for an official to remind Johnson, “That’s a bunker”? So now the Tour has to live with a disastrous ending to one of its signature events. Who’s fault is that?

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3. The Real HouseTwits Invade Falcon-land

Apparently there was a catfight. Kim said NeNe choked her. I dunno.

I realize Kroy Biermann is just a simple dude from Hardin, Montana (population: 3,384) and this whole concept of “celebrity life” is probably really cool to him. But dude — careful here. The Falcons’ defensive end, as you may have heard, is dating Kim Zolciak from another one of those braincell-burning reality shows (”Real House Wives of Atlanta”) that screams to the rest of the world: “Hey, look how stupid we are.” Now, what Kroy wants to do in his personal life is Kroy’s business, even if what Kim does with her personal life has been pretty much everybody’s business (feel free to Google; I just washed my hands and I think I went blind). But when it starts to potentially affect the Falcons’ season, that’s something else, and Ms. Z showed up at Falcons’ practice Monday in Flowery Branch. Fortunately, there were no Bravo TV cameras with her or hidden in the trees, as far as anybody can tell. This would be a good time for Blank to beef up security. This organization has had enough TMZ moments.

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2. Rodriguez punches a grandfather (not a save opportunity)

Francisco Rodriguez found a way to get out of the Mets' season.

In further proof that even God likes a good New York Mets joke once in a while, reliever Francisco Rodriguez apparently suffered a torn thumb ligament on his pitching hand after punching the father of his baby momma. The funniest remark may have come from manager Jerry Manuel, who said: “We seem to continue to have difficulties in having these type of injuries or setbacks.” Question: How many decades was Manuel covering? Of course, we have heard nothing from baseball commissioner Bud Selig, who presumably is napping. Think NFL commissioner Roger Goodell might be issuing a fine, a suspension or maybe leg chains? Rodriguez’ injury might crack the top 10 of all-time sports injuries, but No. 1 is safe: Former NFL quarterback Gus Frerotte head-butted a padded concrete wall after a touchdown. He suffered a sprained neck, a concussion and a lifetime of humiliation.

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1. Slumber time . . .

Feel free to send up a signal after the season.

Did you know that bats can hibernate for over six months? Fear not, it shouldn’t be that long. But The Count is going night-night for a while. The football season and Weekend Predictions are almost upon us, and there’s room for only so many hallucinations in one week. We hope we’ve added a few laughs to your Tuesdays.

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