Countdown’s health report: A-Roid, hot dog stands, mite fight!

The Count is 100 percent natural.

The Count has never understood the whole blood doping thing. OK, there was that one time after he pulled an all-nighter, and the Transylvania Huddle House was closed in the morning, and he required immediate nourishment, so he swooped in on a group of unsuspecting 11th graders on their way to summer school for their third attempt at passing algebra. Does that count as doping? Probably not. But the whole idea of taking something more powerful than a Flintstones chewable or a protein shake never appealed to The Count, especially given the potential of a 37-pound globey head and significant shrinkage in the Count’s, um, Southeast and Southwest divisions. Anyway, great news! This baseball season has been the “Revenge of the [Presumably Natural] Pitcher!” We just witnessed baseball’s fifth no-hitter of the season. Maybe because every batter doesn’t look like the off-spring of a barbell and a Wookie. So we congratulate Tampa Bay pitcher Matt Garza (even though he humiliated The Count’s Tigers) while laughing at the New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez, who is about to make quiet baseball history. Question: If a home run record fell in the forest and nobody cared, did it happen? We mock because we care. And we count down . . .

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10. Some numbers, the Count doesn’t count

The great thing about this chase to 600: secret's out.

I know everybody has suffered burnout over the whole steroids thing but what’s going on right not is beyond hysterical. A-Roid is stuck on 599 home runs. He’ll get to 600. But the funny thing is nobody cares. I mean, ESPN kept cutting in for his at-bats Monday night but it was less for anybody’s crying desire to know than it was, well, ESPN showing us how they can rule the universe from a control room in Bristol. Rodriguez will be only the seventh player in history to hit 600 homers. Four we care about: Hank Aaron (755), Babe Ruth (714), Willie Mays (660), Ken Griffey Jr. (630). The others, we’d be fine if they got drop-kicked into a nuclear waste facility: Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Rodriguez. They have big numbers too, but at some point, isn’t it kind of like looking at a website: MonsterBoobsFromOuter Space.com. Why not just watch cartoons? At least they’re funny and sometimes a piano falls on someone’s head.

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9. It’s just Manny being mommy

Even the Fertility Goddess laughed at Manny Ramirez.

OK, last note on the ‘Roid Generation. Six of the top 14 home run hitters of all time are lab experiments. A-Roid denied, denied, denied, was outed in a Sports Illustrated article in 2009, then confessed. Mark McGwire denied, denied, denied, finally confessed so he could come back to baseball as a hitting coach for the two-faced Tony LaRussa, then said, “The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes.” I believe that’s also why Dillinger robbed banks. He needed the money to sleep in better hotels, which was better for his back. But The Count’s all-time favorite is Manny Ramirez. Why? Because when he was suspended, he tested positive for a female fertility drug. We all felt sorry for Ramirez’ plight. But wouldn’t it have been easier to just adopt a record? Ah, we can mock. Isn’t it great?

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8. Those all-you-can-eat seats? You might want to think twice

Upton Sinclair inspects MSG's mad cows and nacho bar.

Good news Atlanta sports fans. We’re almost clean! Well, almost. We’re not perfect, but according to health department inspections of all pro sports arenas and stadiums, via two enterprising reporters from ESPN.com, Atlanta venues came out way ahead of several others, including New York’s Madison Square Garden, 61 percent of whose vendors had “critical violations.” And at one Garden stand, inspectors found “mouse excreta” (38 on top of a metal box underneath the cash registers in the front food-prep/service area and 15 on top of a carbonated-beverage dispensing unit). I love that word — excreta. Sounds like something you’d find on a menu in Florence. Like, “Waiter, how do you prepare your excreta, and does that just come as an appetizer or is it a full meal?”

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7. Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. And my nachos. And my scotch.

Jerry, why didn't you tell us ...

... that's not an olive in our martini.

According to the story, Philips Arena was the relative ickiest of the three Atlanta venues from a health standpoint, with 35 percent of vendors found to have critical violations, ahead of  (behind?) the Georgia Dome at 32 percent and Turner Field at 19. The most ominous notation referenced the Dome: “Inspectors found several employees not properly washing hands or without access to adequate hand-washing facilities.” Seriously, this story will make you pack sandwiches for the rest of your life. The Verizon Center (Washington D.C.) had 100 percent — 100 percent! — of its vendors with critical violations. Maybe the janitorial staff was scared away by Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton An inspector’s note on Verizon: “Mice droppings, a critical violation in Washington, were found at at least 10 vendors.” Oh wait, we’re just getting started. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones spent $1.3 billion on his new stadium but apparently that didn’t come with a mop: 72 percent of vendors had violations. At the Pepsi Center in Denver,  flies were found in a bottle of cognac. At Mile High in Denver, fruit flies were found in bottles of whiskey. At the U.S. Airways Center in Phoenix: “One location faced possible closure over pest problems after inspectors in December found mouse droppings and, upon reinspection, found dozens of flies and a live roach in the dish room.” But of all the disgusting things in this report, The Count’s favorite references Jobing.com Arena in Glendale, Ariz., home of the Phoenix Coyotes:  “Inspectors spotted an employee scooping ice with his bare hands instead of using scoops.” I suddenly feel the urge to watch games on TV.

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6. And now for something completely different

Jules Winnfield, Falcons fan

So I heard that the Falcons enlisted Samuel L. Jackson to do commercials, and immediately I had visions of Jules Winnfield from “Pulp Fiction” going door to door, quoting scripture, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil men! I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd!” just before he threatens to blow off everybody’s head if they don’t buy club seats. Alas, he did this with no weapons. Take a peek.

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Wanted to find a legitimate Samuel L. movie clip to use. But you can’t go more than seven words in Pulp Fiction without a word that won’t slip past my editors. Finally had to settle for a sanitized version of Jackson’s best line from his all-time worst movie, “Snakes on a Plane.”

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5. The reason why Bob Huggins never danced on a date

Bob Huggins presumably needs new glasses.

Does West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins have coordination issues, or is there some other reason he has been a walking HMO nightmare lately? Two years ago, Huggins was deboarding an airplane in Charlotte when he tripped, fell and hit his head on the ground. (He was briefly hospitalized.) Last summer, according to the Charleston (W.Va) Daily Mail, Huggins ” showed up at his annual fantasy basketball camp with black eyes. He said he walked into a door after he got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.” Wait. We’re not finished. Huggins apparently cracked four ribs the other day when he tripped in his Las Vegas hotel room and fell on a coffee table. He was in town to scout an AAU tournament, or possibly to take dance lessons for a stage show at The Bellagio. There’s nothing to indicate Huggins’ klutziness is related to past heart problems, which leads to the question: How can this man choreograph a fast break?

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4. Proof that eating tofu and wearing polyester will drive you insane

This is what depriving yourself of ribeye steak will do to you.

The Count sometimes ventures outside the sports world, although I’m not really sure anything related to animal rights can be counted as outside the sports world any more (no reminder needed, I presume). So here we go: Some animal rights activist named Walter Bond, no relation to James, although he could be double-0 nutso, was arrested in Colorado and charged with burning down a factory that makes sheepskin products (via The Smoking Gun).  According to the Associated Press, this creature also has been linked to two other fires that destroyed businesses in Utah that he deemed were cruel to animals. See, back in my idealistic days, I used to believe all animal rights people were, like, normal. Turns out that some are just like terrorists dressed in moose costumes. This guy is a member of the “Animal Liberation Front.” Aren’t they the ones who kidnapped Patty Hearst? Take a look at the picture of Walter Bond. He’s doesn’t eat meat, in case you missed the tattoo.

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3. The good news: Mike Tyson hasn’t burned down any buildings (yet)

Veganism, a peace sign and Oprah: This is Mike Tyson?

Do you know who else is a vegan now? Mike Tyson. He has eliminated all meat and poultry products from his diet: chicken wings, T-bones, burgers, children and opponent’s ears. I didn’t believe it myself until I read this update on his Twitter page: “It’s almost been nine months with this vegan stuff. It brings some great energy.” And yes, Tyson is on Twitter. Two weeks ago he swapped Tweets with Chad Ochocinco, responding: “… No way you would leave a sparring session with me and look at me the same, because I am embarking on a life of pacifism.” This could be interesting.

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2. You’re a poop head!

We don’t like to promote violence here Countdown, unless it’s just too funny to pass up. Like this: When things get chippy between six-year-olds! A youth hockey brawl broke out at the “mite” level, kinda, sorta. (The funny thing is, Tiger Williams really wasn’t bigger than either one of these guys.) This bantamweight bout comes via Yahoo’s Puck Daddy. Turns out, there’s a valuable lesson here for the NHL: All they really need to clean the league up is a mother yelling, “J.J.!”

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1. And finally: What’s the chance Palmer just hands off?

There’s a good chance that Terrell Owens will end up signing with the Cincinnati Bengals, which means Owens and Ochocinco will be in the same huddle. Even money that Carson Palmer goes vegan before Week 3.

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