Listen up, Ole Miss: I’ve got Colonel Reb’s replacement (UPDATED with ‘Coach O’ video)

Sorry, buddy. You're out of a job.

Having finally come to the realization that the school’s plantation owner mascot, Colonel Reb, was as marketable and endearing to the general public as a Lester Maddox bobblehead doll, the University of Mississippi has decided to forge ahead into the 20th century and pick a new mascot.

The guess here is that this means all Colonel Reb hats, walking canes and plush toys will be tossed into a dumpster, along with the the lyrics to “Dixie” and bumper stickers reading, “The South Shall Rise Again!” And somewhere, Jefferson Davis weeps.

University officials say over 13,000 online voters have narrowed the list of potential mascots from 11 to five. The finalists are: a horse, a land shark, a lion, a bear and a coupled entry, “Hotty and Toddy.” The latter stems from the school cheer:  “Are you ready? Hell yes! Damn Right! Hotty Toddy. Gosh almighty. Who the hell are we? Hey! Flim Flam, Bim Bam, Ole Miss By Damn!”

I’m pretty sure Faulkner wrote it.

But sorry, I’m just not feeling most of these choices.

Here are some other options:

the-blind-side-movie-image-sandra-bullock-and-tim-mcgraw-1

Sandra Bullock. She played the hot mom, Leigh Ann Tuohy, in, “The Blind Side,” about former Ole Miss offensive lineman Michael Oher. Actually, the whole “Hotty and Toddy” thing could work here. Sandra, obviously, would be, “Hotty.” Her loser of an ex-husband, Jesse James, who is seeking treatment for having barbells dropped on his head at the ages of 6, 12, 19, 25 and 37, would be “Toddy.” Their characters could entertain the crowd throughout the game, maybe even bopping each other with big inflatable mallets at halftime. Of course, every halftime show would end with “Hotty” driving over “Toddy” with a West Coast Chopper. The kids would LOVE it!

Billy Idol: They’re still going to be known as the Ole Miss Rebels. So why not go with a less offensive rebel? We’re talking about “Mr. Rebel Yell” himself. Idol is British and I hear they also have a place named Oxford in England. Perhaps a Billy Idol mascot roaming the stands at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium doesn’t ring of tradition. But does a horse? A lion? A land shark? And tell me this song wouldn’t fire up the student section every game . . .

Dueling Literary Masters: Faulkner vs. Grisham. Faulkner, a Mississippi native, university alum and long-time Oxford resident, represents old school authors. I’m sure somebody could come up with a fight song or weekly scoreboard video clips to go with the theme, “The Sound and the Fury.” John Grisham, a graduate of Mississippi Law School, represents new world faulkner_in_paris_lt1_orgeronauthors: those who write short-attention span legal thrillers and assorted hack story lines.  You know, like blogging! Imagine the weekly battles these two would have. Faulkner: “I won a Nobel.” Grisham: “Have you seem my page views?”

The Grove Toys: Visiting The Grove, the tailgating/picnic area for Ole Miss games, on a college football Saturday should be on everybody’s must-do list. So I’m thinking a picnic basket mascot or, better yet, a big walking red plastic cup filled with Jack Daniels. Maybe two cups. They can be Slurpee and Burpee.

Ed Orgeron: The former Mississippi head coach is easily the most obnoxious person I’ve ever come across and I figure he’ll be out of a job again at some point soon, given he’s working for Lane Kiffin at the USC Correctional Institute. Besides, the school won’t even need to sew together a mascot suit. They can just use Ed!

(UPDATE: I was alerted to this “Coach O” video on YouTube by Mark Bowman, who clearly isn’t being kept busy enough by MLB.com. It rocks!)

So what do you think? Do you like any of the above choices or do you prefer the official ones? (I’m betting Sandra wins the straw poll.)


Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

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236 comments Add your comment

Alan

July 16th, 2010
1:19 pm

MagnaCarterGT

July 16th, 2010
1:23 pm

Jeff, have you missed the campaign to replace Colonel Reb with Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars?

http://www.notatrap.org/

AlwaysAVol

July 16th, 2010
1:29 pm

I’m just waiting for one of the SEC schools to change their colors to black and white striped (mine included..no Orange jokes needed, I’ve heard’em all) and become the Fighting Jailbirds.

Buckhead Dawg

July 16th, 2010
1:30 pm

Good stuff Schultz.

How about a bookend as a mascot? It’s safe to say that within the SEC schools there is a wide range of values, achievements, academic accomplishments, etc. Vandy clearly bookends the conference on one end of that spectrum and, well, at the other end…you get my point.

I hate haters

July 16th, 2010
1:31 pm

The problem with the red-plastic-cup-full-of-Jack mascot is that it would fit just about any southern college football program.

GD

July 16th, 2010
1:35 pm

IT’S A TRAP!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

July 16th, 2010
1:37 pm

gotta love 2010 and the ACLU & NAACP. always something to gripe about. maybe replace colonel reb with the dude from monopoly?? speaking of horse…Ole Miss Mustangs????

Barnacle Bill Bavasi

July 16th, 2010
1:37 pm

Chief Nockahoma.

Barnacle Bill Bavasi

July 16th, 2010
1:40 pm

If UC Santa Cruz or Barbara can have a banana slug, maybe Mississippi could promote its aquaculture industry and be the catfish or mayalsian prawns.

Hankie Aron

July 16th, 2010
1:41 pm

Jeff,
I would say Ed Orgeron because the guy is pretty loud and boisterous but not a good coach. You have heard that funny song on youtube about him. It’s hilarious. Although, the ESPN book called “Meat Market” about Orgeron at Ole Miss and college football recruiting was a great read.

DP

July 16th, 2010
1:41 pm

OK Jeff, now that you’ve opened the door, how about some Orgeron stories?

Jeff Schultz

July 16th, 2010
1:42 pm

MagnaCarterGT — No, I was aware of that. Think I’ve even referenced it before. But he freaks me out. I could get behind R2D2 or Chewbacca. But can’t get behind Mr. It’s A Trap.

Barnacle Bill Bavasi

July 16th, 2010
1:42 pm

that’s malaysian prawns. I think.

Jeff Schultz

July 16th, 2010
1:43 pm

AlwaysAVol — Maybe as an alternate third jersey?

Lowcountry Bulldawg

July 16th, 2010
1:43 pm

Liberals! Yuck, the story is just pathetic. Ole Miss should have raised the middle finger at the protests and said you can come be apart of our tradition or go stick it. Instead they cave and become another “symbol” of America again not being able to move forward in race relations. I am sure since Ole Miss changed the mascot everything will be just “Peachy- Keen”.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by SEC World Magazine, Jeff Schultz. Jeff Schultz said: Listen up, Ole Miss: I’ve got Colonel Reb’s replacement http://bit.ly/btgMGf [...]

Bob Didier Caught Here

July 16th, 2010
1:43 pm

What about the mascot from the 96 Olympics? Wait what was it’s name? Izzy?

My point is that SEC equals tradition. Like it or not Colonel Reb is synomonous with Ole Miss.

My personal suggestion would be the “bullfighters”…….the crowds could yell “OLE’ as int he spanish bullfights. A Spanish Bullfighter could enter the stadium and plant a sword in the middle of the field dressed in his matador suit.

SEC Fan

July 16th, 2010
1:43 pm

Jeff, what did Ole Miss ever do to you to merit such failed humor?

Now Lewis Grizzard would have taken the same subject and written something really funny with it.

Sorry Jeff. Go back to working on that novel you never finished.

Jeff Schultz

July 16th, 2010
1:44 pm

Buckhead — I like bookends. Or just books. Classics battling romance novels.

Jeff Schultz

July 16th, 2010
1:44 pm

I Hate Haters — Ah, so true.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kory Keys, Christian Byrd, Ben Garrett, Nubyjas Wilborn, Bennett Hipp and others. Bennett Hipp said: Funny stuff here. RT @JeffSchultzAJC: Col. Reb is dead! I've got Mississippi's new mascot options right here! http://bit.ly/9o47Ni [...]

rduck

July 16th, 2010
1:51 pm

Tired of all the politically correct BS. If it offends you that much, just go elsewhere. Same as changing the tv channel if a program offends you. I don’t hear anyone raising a fuss about the “all black” colleges. OOPS! I meant “african american”. Please oh please accept my apology..

Shug

July 16th, 2010
1:53 pm

Mr. Shultz, the reading public is still waiting for you to come clean on the reason for your mysterious week-or-so-long leave of absence you took earlier this year.

Not Disappointed

July 16th, 2010
1:56 pm

Shug, his mom passed.

Jeff, great read. I needed to laugh!

Delbert D.

July 16th, 2010
2:03 pm

How about “Young Miss?”

Devildog

July 16th, 2010
2:05 pm

How about that little wad of blue sperm that Atlanta used in the ‘96 Olympics?

Hillbilly Deluxe

July 16th, 2010
2:05 pm

Jeff, what did Ole Miss ever do to you to merit such failed humor?

Good question.

Bo in North Carolina

July 16th, 2010
2:11 pm

I would like to hear what Russ the Temporary Mascot might have to say on the subject since he has been donw this road.

Flem Snopes

July 16th, 2010
2:14 pm

Colonel Reb kind of resembles Mark Twain, maybe just change his Colonel Sanders outfit and put him in a Riverboat Captain’s uniform. The Ole Miss Shipwrecks.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

July 16th, 2010
2:15 pm

how about just trot Ms. Tuohy out there in a cheerleader outfit everygame and everyone will forget anyways whose their mascot…nice legs!!

bob

July 16th, 2010
2:16 pm

Jeff,
How about adding a rock video to all your blogs. Maybe combine videos with mascot suggestions. I vote for Mountain’s – Mississippi Queen.
Shave Col Reb’s Moustache and he looks like the Queen anyway, at least he dresses like one.

Bo in North Carolina

July 16th, 2010
2:19 pm

Jeff, I realize this is not on the subject but up here in Carolina the big news is the NCAA is investigating the Tarheels football program. I have not seen anything in the AJC or did I miss it.

MatthewH

July 16th, 2010
2:20 pm

Everybody is coming up with new nicknames, but according to JS, they are still going to be known as the Rebels. So I say they choose rebels from a different part of the world. Sandanistas, anyone?

washedup

July 16th, 2010
2:20 pm

All I want to know is where can I get one of those Lester Maddox bobble-heads. .best GA governor in my lifetime, and I go back aways.

DBCOOPER

July 16th, 2010
2:21 pm

If the AJC can pretend they have sports writers maybe Ole Miss can pretend they have a mascot.

Clay

July 16th, 2010
2:22 pm

“I Hate Haters,” um, doesn’t that make you a hater?

the real Old Gold

July 16th, 2010
2:25 pm

My younger cousin goes there now and he said this whole process has been absolutely ridiculous.

gdawingkalamazoo

July 16th, 2010
2:26 pm

Jeff, a little jealous of Mr. Grisham are we? When I finish one of his books, in a day or two, I think to myself “damn I could have written that …… in 8th grade.”

It was time for the Colonel to go, he hasn’t been promoted in years. He should be a 4 star general by now.

King Donko of Punchstania

July 16th, 2010
2:27 pm

It’s time to push the “Political Correctness” wagon over the cliff. If you don’t like the team’s name or mascot, don’t support the team. The whole push to rid schools of mascots that are seen as negative by a small handful of people is absurd. What’s next? Getting rid of red jerseys because the color red is associated with aggressiveness? Lord knows we don’t want to encourage any aggression. While we are at it, let’s get rid of mascots that bite. Why promote violence through vicious animals? Think of the thousands of senseless attacks on humans each year by dogs, big cats, gators, and bees. Commodores, knights, and the like were prominent killers throughout history. I’m sure there is a group out there somewhere who’s ancestors were persecuted by a commodore or knight at some point. As a matter of fact, why not just eliminate sports all together. The competitive nature of sport only furthers competitiveness and the drive to succeed in society, and we wouldn’t want any of that, now would we?

"Lowclass Bulldog" and "RDummy" are idiots!

July 16th, 2010
2:28 pm

To both of you clowns –

LB: Former Ole Miss coach Tommy Tuberville (now at Texas Tech) was one of the first guys to stand up and say that as long as Ole Miss kept trying to hang on to the old, dead-and-gone South, he would keep losing many of the state’s best players to other schools AND he would keep having difficulty attracting many good players to the school. AND he said this meant black (you can use African American if you prefer) AND white players (he said some of them he recruited were offended as well).

No, things won’t be “peachy keen.” But at least this PUBLIC SCHOOL won’t continue to offend a significant number of TAXPAYING CITIZENS and TUITION PAYING STUDENTS, with that played- out mascot and dumba** song (dixie).

RD: “Black Colleges” or HBCUs (Historically Black Colleges and Universities) were created primarily because we TAX PAYING CITIZENS weren’t allowed to attend “state” schools. Though that’s not the case today, many HBCUs remain viable AND freely admit any white student who wishes to attend. In fact, my alma mater – Morehouse College (Harvard is the Morehouse of the north, you know) – had a white valedictorian a couple of years ago. He said he had a great time at the school.

And in case you two hadn’t heard (or read), your side LOST, and you STARTED the war by firing on a federal military base (Ft. Sumter). Last time I checked, that’s pretty TREASONOUS, don’t you think? But I won’t go there. This is supposed to be a sports-related blog.

So back to the topic. Good for Ole Miss, their students, faculty, administration and fans! I wish Coach Nutt all the best this season!

gdawingkalamazoo

July 16th, 2010
2:29 pm

washedup, not sure where to order a bobblehead of Maddox but I am sure you get the replica ax handle and “How to ride a bicycle backwards” brochure with it.

GeoffDawg

July 16th, 2010
2:32 pm

Sorry to see that Admirial Ackbar didn’t make the cut.

*Knock, knock* Who is it? Landshark.

Typical Liberal

July 16th, 2010
2:33 pm

I think I love you, King Donko! How do I get to Punchstania?

YoMamma

July 16th, 2010
2:34 pm

Who cares what their mascot is? They will still be the laughing stock of the SEC and Alabama’s bitch. Rooollllllllllll Tide Baby!!!!!

Al

July 16th, 2010
2:37 pm

Grisham graduated from Mississippi State, so I don’t think that he would cooperate….Landshark (trial lawyer) will work though. Send a guy out on the field in a suit with a briefcase.

Hillbilly Deluxe

July 16th, 2010
2:38 pm

not sure where to order a bobblehead of Maddox but I am sure you get the replica ax handle

They weren’t ax handles; they were pick handles.

King Donko of Punchstania

July 16th, 2010
2:39 pm

Typical- What’s your email? I’ll send you a map! lol ;)

Lindsey

July 16th, 2010
2:40 pm

I loved the Sandra Bullock and Billy Idol ideas!!!

Lowcountry Bulldawg

July 16th, 2010
2:44 pm

You keep believing the reason black and white football players leave the state is because of the mascot. How about you go find a football coach who knows a dang about the game and can put some teams on the field that can consistently post 9 win seasons and perhaps the kids may stay in school. The program has lacked consistency because of COACHING not because of a damn MASCOT!

Also to note, the “my side lost comment”. Thats funny- It was 1865 and YOU bring up what side I was apparently on. If both sides had gotten a possesion in overtime maybe I might have had a shot.

GeoffDawg

July 16th, 2010
2:45 pm

I’m not sure having Billy Idol around all that tailgating is such a bangup idea.