Countdown: Vuvuzelas, Troy’s arrogance, Hugo a ‘Dogos’ fan

The Count didn't club with Mr. Haney.

Ladies and gentlemen: Batty Spice.

The Count has been willing to give the World Cup a chance. Really. Actually, truth is The Count was quite a striker back in the day. Also used to date Victoria Adams. But she wanted to sing all the time and that awful, cracking voice used to drive him batty (Hah! Made a funny!). So he had to get out of the relationship. Then she started dating some English guy and now she looks like she’s in serious need of a milkshake.

Anyway, the Count tried to watch the World Cup for two days but it started reminding him of a Spice Girls video. AAAAGGGHHH!!! The “world’s biggest sports event” sounds like the inside of a beehive, or possibly Bud Selig’s head, or possibly a beehive inside of Bud Selig’s head, which would explain a lot. The World Cup in South Africa has been the rest of the world’s introduction to the vuvuzelas, and, frankly, we don’t like it. Couldn’t fans at least play a different note? Switch to a harmonica? A kazoo? I’m sure my rabbi would be happy to ship them a shofar. My batdom for a rams horn! We count down . . .

10. Finally, a way to popularize soccer in the U.S.: Legomation!

Want to get a feel for the World Cup? Start with this. The Guardian newspaper stole an idea from Legofussball.eu and recreated highlights from the U.S.-England game with Lego animation. They’ve got the crowd sounds/vuvuzelas down perfect. Unfortunately, there’s no embedding code so you’ll have to go to this link (but it’s worth the click). Love the reaction of English Lego goalie after he allows the U.S. goal. But here are some “highlights” from the South Africa-Mexico game from Legofussball, via CantStopThe Bleeding. By the way, I hope you’ve polished up on your German.

9. Vuvuzela: Meet your Kryptonite

plug1

Somebody's making some serious rands on the "Vuvu-Stop."

OK, back to the horns. Tens of thousands of fans are bringing them to games. The reason it sounds like one constant toot is the pitch can’t change. It’s incessant. It’s like the weapon for war criminals. “Mr. Goebbels, we are giving you a choice. You may sleep in a pit of leeches or listen to vuvuzela for 24 hours.” Officials have refused to ban this instrument of torture. Worse, ear plugs are not sold at the stadium. So you can imagine the hottest item being sold at local stores: The “Vuvu-Stop”! They are anti-vuvuzela earplugs that claim to reduce the sound by 31 decibels. According to CBS News, the  label on the package says: “Uses include football, rugby, or for couch potatoes to block out your wife’s moaning.”

8. The Arrogance of Troy knows no bounds

Lindsay Lohan (drunk).

Lindsay Lohan (drunk).

Mike Garrett (sober, just a tool).

Mike Garrett (sober, just a tool).

With all of the image makers in Los Angeles, wouldn’t you think USC would curb its arrogance a little after getting sledgehammered by the NCAA? I mean, a little phony contrition maybe? Some well-timed weeping? Collagen? Breast implants? Instead, the Trojans look like they’ve retained the same advisers as Lindsay Lohan. First Reggie Bush releases a cowardly statement in which he takes no responsibility. Then Pete Carroll releases a video statement in which he expresses shock, and of course no regret. Then Mike Garrett, the embattled athletic director, the point man for all this, the only administrator who just had three — three! — sports put on probation, told school boosters: “As I read the decision by the NCAA, all I could get out of all of this was … I read between the lines and there was nothing but a lot of envy, and they wish they all were Trojans.” Yes. That’s right, Mike. Everybody wants to be USC. If Alabama was USC, it could on probation again — and it was so fun the last time! Florida, Texas, Penn State, Harvard, Yale, Penn State, Oklahoma, the Naval Academy, MIT, Julliard, Oxford  — they ALL wish they had students who got paid by boosters, took illegal benefits, tarnished an entire institution and employed traveling vermin like Tim Floyd. Wow, I’m almost starting to feel sorry for Lane Kiffin. Never mind. It passed.

7. Attorney’s resume: Lohan, Hilton, Tyson, Bush (tetanus shot, anyone?)

reggiebushBush did not show up for OTAs Monday in New Orleans and therefore did not publicly expound on his statement, “If [USC] decides to appeal, I will continue to cooperate with the NCAA and USC, as I did during the investigation,” which of course contradicts the NCAA’s position that he didn’t cooperate at all.  His attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, denies that. For the record, Holley’s previous clients are Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Mike Tyson, and I am not making that up.

When asked why Bush could not explain where the Chevrolet Impala he was driving at USC came from, Holley responded that Bush had lost the paperwork. Wonder if that question was on her bar exam?

6. PETA likes our dogs!

Turner Field has been named one of the top 10 vegetarian-friendly ballparks in baseball, according to PETA, which credited the Braves for the stadium’s meatless tacos, meatless burritos, baked beans, Asian noodles, organic zucchini dip, veggie burgers and, of course, veggie dogs. The Braves’ decision to avoid naming one of their concessions, “Bad Newz Dogs” probably worked in their favor.

5. Welcome to today’s game at Hubba Hubba Stadium

Ashley Madison has previously been rejected for ads at the Super Bowl -- and by Tiger Woods.

It’s not the best time for the New York Giants and Jets to be shopping for a corporate sponsor for their new stadium in the Meadowlands, and the obviousness of the buyers’ market has led to this: AshleyMadison.com, which is basically PimpWorld (they have “dates,” wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say-no-more, say-no-more), is offering t0 buy naming rights for $25 million. Say this for Ashley Madison: They don’t hide their message. The home page of their Web site reads: “Life is short. Have an affair.”

This would be a great partnership. I just want to be at the press conference when a Giants’ spokesman says, “I realize there was a financial transaction. But I think they really, really like us.”

The only question here is whether Ashley Madison is serious about a multi-year agreement or prefers just to pay hourly.

4. How ’bout them Dogos!

Hugh Chavez: "How 'bout dem Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez gestures as he wears a hat of Guaros de Lara football team during the celebration of the qualification of the Venezuelan U20 team for the World Cup Egypt 2009, on February 12, 2009 at the Miraflores presidential palace in Caracas.

Hugo Chavez makes his pitch to run Mark Richt's offense.

So in last week’s Countdown, we noted how Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s well-rounded dictator and human rights abuser (or just president, if you’re fan) is an avid baseball fan. Such is to be expected of Fidel Castro’s Mini Me. Anyway, turns out Chavez is a huge Georgia fan! Kinda. Alert reader Ted Striker (not his real name) forwarded me this photo of Chavez wearing the familiar “G” hat. But it turns out this “G” belonged Guaros de Lara, a soccer team in Venezuela, which qualified for the under-20 World Cup last year. But alas, Guaros de Lara lost to Florida the following week.

3. Waterloo meets their Waterloo

xxx

Really not sure if this was a recent shot or during a game.

I think maybe the Canadians aren’t used to dealing with drug scandals. There was that whole Ben Johnson thing but he was like a Canadian, born in Jamaica, so he didn’t really count. Waterloo University just suspended its football program for the entire season. This is sure to impact Waterloo’s plans to expand to the Big Ten. Something called the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sports — and that explains why Canadians never win anything — said nine players did not fail a drug test. But three failed, four admitted use, one declined to take the test and I think the other one was just presumed guilty because he’s Jamaican. Marg McGregor, the chief executive officer for Canadian Interuniversity Sport, said, “This is the biggest doping situation in CIS history,” which begs the question: What’s the point of reference? When three curlers and a pig tested positive for Molson at the Manitoba Provincial Fair? Waterloo went 4-5 last season. Nobody has to give back a BCS title or a Heisman Trophy. A little overreaction here. Nobody had he even left already to go to the CFL. Maybe the Trojans can show them how it’s done.

2. But wait, there’s more

The Count gets accused of not doing any reporting, but he tracked down two Canadian drug czars, who agreed to discuss the Waterloo case.

1. And finally . . .

Michigan State coach Tom Izzo still has not made a decision about whether he will coach the Cleveland Cavaliers. Turns out that LeBron James can’t give him any guarantees that he is going to play there. Go figure. Hello, Lansing.

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

Instant re-blog

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Drew doesn’t waste time sending message to Hawks’ players

If Braves’ Pendleton got blame before, he better get credit now

Larry Drew’s first issue: What to do with Joe Johnson?

33 comments Add your comment

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

June 15th, 2010
11:31 am

Great Stuff JS- lego foosball was hilarious- Next thing you know, Kim Jung II will be a GT fan!!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

June 15th, 2010
11:32 am

PS- this whole USC thing blows my mind and your story of the same attorney that has Bush, Lohan, and Tyson is further proof we need to sell LA/Cali back to Mexico. Bush needs to give up the Heisman IMO

ole smoky

June 15th, 2010
11:36 am

So Mike Garrett thinks everyone wants to be a Trojan… What an idiot.

GT Alum

June 15th, 2010
11:40 am

Wow, USC’s hubris is ridiculous. Makes me wish Texas and Oklahoma had joined the Pac-10, just so they could beat the snot out of USC. Hopefully, some of the other Pac-10 programs like Oregon and Cal are to the point where they can keep USC down.

Mark C.

June 15th, 2010
11:43 am

Vuvuzelas: Still better than cowbells.

MatthewH

June 15th, 2010
11:45 am

Mike Garrett and Lane Kiffin. Are rooms big enough at USC for their egos? I agree with ole smoky-idiots.

Ken Stallings

June 15th, 2010
11:50 am

And here I thought you had no culture, Jeff. But you prove me wrong with a clip from the McKenzie Brothers!

I have to bow! True culture earns rewards — now pass a Molson!

Balderdash

June 15th, 2010
11:55 am

I used to like USC in the days of John Robinson. They are just vile now.

By the way, I once signed up for Ashley Madison. A lot of your wives are on there.

TONE

June 15th, 2010
12:00 pm

dirty pool mister dirty pool with the loss to florida shot !!!!!
but funny .

[...] ♦ Tuesday Countdown: Vuvuzelas, USC’s arrogance, Hugo’s  a ‘dogos; fan [...]

WonderDawg

June 15th, 2010
12:02 pm

Rich

June 15th, 2010
12:08 pm

How Mike Garrett keeps a straight face – much less his job – is beyond me.

The McKenzies, eh? Now that’s what I’m talking aboot.

Howard

June 15th, 2010
12:09 pm

Jeff…coached high school soccer for 20 years in Georgia and loved every minute of it but I have not and will not be watching the World Cup. Professional soccer at any level and anywhere and anytime is in one word…boring as heck!! Soccer is a great sport if you’re playing it or coaching it…but from the stands or in front of the TV, YUK! I could care less who wins a title where you have a plethora of 0-0, 1-1 and 2-2 games…spare me. And that stupid clock which runs forward and those stupid referees who add injury time instead of stopping the danged clock drive me crazy! And spare me those prima donnas who fall and fake an injury to draw a foul…I swear those guys could be in the WWE the way they try to sell an “injury.”
Concerning USC…if it had been Alabama or UGA or Florida or Texas that had won a national title with a blatantly illegal player like Bush, I bet the BCS would have stripped that title and awarded it to the runnerup in a heartbeat. But since it was the pretty boy Hollywood school…they declare the BCS title vacant. Vacant???? What the heck is that all about???
Has the NBA ended its season yet??? And who cares if LeBron goes anywhere??

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Paul in RDU

June 15th, 2010
1:29 pm

Jeff – This week’s blog is definitely one of The Count’s best. As far as the World Cup is concerned, The Count needs to watch this afternoon’s Brazil-North Korea game and hope for some crowd shots.

Reid Adair

June 15th, 2010
1:34 pm

The more Mike Garrett speaks, the more I understand his decision to hire Lane Kiffin.

Reggie Bush was pitiful with his response. His claim of “disappointment” was bad enough, but he made not even a semblance of an apology. As you clearly pointed out, contrary to Bush’s claims and those of his attorney, his cooperation with the NCAA was basically non-existent.

Jeff

June 15th, 2010
1:36 pm

Hate Kiffin…have never liked USC much either. But the USC “Song Girls”! The only reason to watch one of their games…WOW!

William

June 15th, 2010
1:39 pm

Jeff, funny as usual. If I’m not mistaken, Shawn Chapman Holley worked for Johnny Cochran on the OJ trial. I rmember seeing her at the podium. Add OJ to her list.

gdawginkalamazoo

June 15th, 2010
2:03 pm

I wonder what the “Giving back the Heisman Pose” looks like.

gdawginkalamazoo

June 15th, 2010
2:06 pm

How many conferences will Texas join and unjoin today? Somebody have an over/under on that?

Hillbilly Deluxe

June 15th, 2010
2:59 pm

The “world’s biggest sports event” sounds like the inside of a beehive, or possibly Bud Selig’s head, or possibly a beehive inside of Bud Selig’s head, which would explain a lot.

To compare the inside of Bud’s head to a swarm of bees is an insult to the world’s bee population.

When asked why Bush could not explain where the Chevrolet Impala he was driving at USC came from, Holley responded that Bush had lost the paperwork.

Not that there’ve been that many but I remember where every car I ever had came from.

Anyway, turns out Chavez is a huge Georgia fan!

Think Michael Adams is working on a copyright infringement suit?

JSS

June 15th, 2010
5:02 pm

The Georgia (G) does not carry an international trademark. Good luck trying to file that lawsuit, as long as they stay out of North America, they are OK. It is a geographical agreement.

JSS

June 15th, 2010
5:14 pm

And UGA licenses use of the (G) from the Packers anyway. They hold the trademark.

retired on the lake

June 15th, 2010
9:35 pm

the games are better on the Spanish language channels and the buzz seems muted! Don’t have to understand Espanol u can understand whats going on by voice inflection, try it!

CY

June 16th, 2010
12:24 am

It’s all Bush’s fault.

[...] ♦ Tuesday Countdown: Vuvuzelas, USC’s arrogance, Hugo’s  a ‘dogos; fan [...]

james

June 16th, 2010
1:49 am

The Vuvuzelas are really not that bad. I have stopped noticing them during games. If you are a fan of soccer, or in your case ever played anything… well, anything athletic outside say like U-10, you are used to lots of noise while you are playing. Some of the best high school and college games I played in were full of bagpipes and drums. Its so much fun playing in that environment.

Also,. well played with the Great White North eh.

Jethro

June 16th, 2010
8:07 am

I think Mike Garret is auditioning USC for a remake of the classic movie ‘Johnny Be Good.’

[...] ♦ Tuesday Countdown: Vuvuzelas, USC’s arrogance, Hugo’s  a ‘dogos; fan [...]

Trae

June 19th, 2010
11:00 pm

Mr. Schultz, please do not mention the bar exam in June or July.

boots

June 19th, 2010
11:41 pm

The NCAA should put the USC volleyball team on probation just for the arrogance of their AD. What a bunch of jerks. He thinks the rest of the country is singing, “I wish they all could be california schools…” but in really we are just humming “Wouldn’t it be nice [if USC shut up].” Hey USC, be true to your school and stop cheating at everything. God only knows…

Ed

June 20th, 2010
12:06 am

Countdown is fairly amusing, but the name gives me the willies. Reminds me of that abhorent left-wing kook Keith Olbermann’s show.

Monroe's first Redcoat

June 20th, 2010
2:13 am

The arrogance of the people at USC knows no bounds. Mike garrett? Beyond contempt and not worth a response. Reggie can’t remember where his car came from? What a load of crap!!! As previous posters have said, if it had been an Alabama, a Florida, a Michigan, the program would have been axed and the title AND Heisman handed over. But noooooo, not the precious Trojans! That’s why the folks in LA call the place the University of Spoiled Children. What else can you expect from the school that gave us OJ????

When I lived in LA, I went to the UCLA-USC game once, and a t-shirt I saw there still says it best. “A Bruin is Forever. A Trojan is only good once.”

Fight on.