Countdown: Bucs (busted), Argentina (hubba), Chills (duck!)

The Count isn't big on spin.

The Count once thought about a career as a company spokesman. But he soon realized that while the job might come with some really nicely tailored suits, there was the strong possibility that he would have to sell his soul, and, well, there go the parties. This probably also explains why The Count never made it past the second rung on the corporate ladder. But that’s OK. At least he has a shorter fall than the owners of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They are $1.6 billion in debt. Billion? What are the monthly minimums on that kind of bill — $16 million? Is somebody at least getting free miles out of this, because this might be a good time to fly to Bolivia. And if you’re owner Malcolm Glazer, do you phone your credit card company and say, “Um, we’ve had a little problem. Went on vacation. Bought a soccer team. Can I get my limit raised to $2 billion”?  Listening to the Buccaneers’ company spokesman, you would think we were back in the Gulf War, with Baghdad Bob declaring, “There are no American infidels in Baghdad! Never!” Need a refresher course? Ah, that’s what we’re here for. Don’t panic! All is well! We count down . . .

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10. You doofus — why did you have to buy a soccer team?

Manchester United fans did not take it well when their soccer team was purchased by an American in 2005.

Quick recap: According to a BBC report, the Glazers are $1.6 billion in debt and have borrowed $570 million against their shopping malls and $95 million against the Buccaneers, which explains the team’s depth chart. This situation was created largely because of the Glazer family’s leveraged buyout of the Manchester United soccer club for $1.4 billion in  2005, a transaction that went over so well in England that Malcolm Glazer was burned in effigy (see: hot under the collar to the left). Meanwhile, Tampa’s director of communications, Jonathan Grella, who apparently trained on Three Mile Island, released a four paragraph statement that read in part: “Buccaneers fans should know that the Glazer family is as financially well-positioned as ever before. Companies they own generate revenues in excess of $800 million each year. This franchise remains committed to bringing the resources to build its next championship team.” And then he was run over by the villagers. Grella sounded a lot like Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi’s minister of information during the Iraq war, who quickly turned into a cartoon figure during his news conferences. Sort of like this:

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9. The NFC South just became a three-team division

Don't laugh. She might be the QB next season.

The Bucs can spin this anyway they like. When companies accrue that much debt, they don’t spend. Whey they don’t spend, they don’t win. When they don’t win, they say things like, “We have destroyed two tanks, fighter planes, two helicopters and their shovels! We have driven them back!” (For more wonderful reminders of Baghdad Bob, click, “WeLoveTheirInformationMinister.com“) Fact is, this can only help the Falcons because they’re in the same division as the Bucs and they play these schlemiels twice during the season. The St. Petersburg Times, which has some healthy desperate denials from Bucs co-chairman Joel Glazer, points out that a recent NFL.com report stated the Bucs spent less in player salaries and bonuses than any NFL team in the past five years. Just guessing: Payroll is not going up.

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8. If soccer is so big, why must you shout?

While we’re on the subject of soccer, it’s not oblivious to The Count that the World Cup opens Friday in S0uth Africa. This is usually when all of the soccer fans come out of the woodwork to tell us in the U.S. how big the sport is around the world, to which we respond: “We don’t live in the world. We live in the United States.” See, I have this theory that if something is really important, you don’t need to tell me it’s important. But since I know there are some soccer fans out there, I”m posting some highlights from the 2006 final game that I know even non-soccer fans will appreciate.

2006 World Cup: Italy vs. France

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7. OK, OK:  Here’s a real World Cup story for Joe Six Pack

Maradona wasn't the picture of discipline after his heyday. And now he's a coach?

There’s a good chance you’ve heard of Diego Maradona. If not, just think: Pele meets Darryl Strawberry. He was the World Cup star for Argentina in 1986 who later turned into a Hoover any time he was near cocaine. He eventually ballooned to roughly the size of Buenos Aires. So it seems Maradona is now coaching Argentina in the World Cup. He has said he will run naked through the streets if they win the World Cup, to which everybody replied, “What’s the big deal? You do that every Tuesday.” I guess you can say Maradon’s a players’ coach, bcause while most teams are told to steer clear of nooky during the World Cup, Maradona is telling his players they can have all the sex they want. This should be interesting. Dr. Donato Vallani, the team physician, proclaimed: “The players can have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the World Cup. Players are not Martians.” But there are limitations. He added that the sex “should not be at 2 a.m. with champagne and Havana cigars.”

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6. Hey, Chills: Your hair is on fire

This could be former Hawk Josh Childress pointing to the airport.

If this doesn’t chase Josh Childress back to the NBA, nothing will.  Childress’s team in Greece, Oympiakos, lost game four of the championship series to Panathinaikos, 76-69. The game was called with 1:03 left because of flares. That’s right. Flares. Angry/rowdy/drunk/stupid Olympiakos fans shot off flares and, for some reason, officials considered this dangerous. Go figure. Fans reportedly also started rioting, tearing out chairs and throwing garbage. The game even started 40 minutes when police felt compelled to use tear gas to combat 200 rowdy fans who had entered the arena without tickets. Here’s a brief vague recap on Eurobasket.com.: “With something more than one minute to go (69-76 for PAO) Olympiakos fans made another big incident and the referees decided to end this meeting.” The video says it so much better. You can fast forward to the three minute mark to see a flare explode on the players’ bench. In the next shot, most of the arena’s fans were gone from the lower level. The pyrotechnics hit again at the four minute mark.

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5. Coming next week: Hindenburg, the comedy

A family friendly screen grab from the unauthorized Tiger game.

This is not how a marketing department draws it up. Fresh off his last three tournaments — missing the cut at Quail Hollow, withdrawing/quitting at The Players championship and finishing 19th at the Memorial — Tiger Woods can celebrate today! EA Sports has shipped, “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11″ to stores! I read the news release and the closest thing I can find to a mention on Woods’ extra curricular activities is the reference to the new “Ryder Cup Challenge,” in which “the U.S. or European squad [can] participate in various competition formats: foursomes, where players hit alternate shots, fourballs and singles …” (I think I just heard a chainsaw in my editor’s office.) But wait — there’s more! To coincide with the EA release, a company called D-Dub Software, which seems to specialize in pornographic video games, is releasing its own game, “Tiger Woods Affair 2010.” I am not making this up. From their release: “The interactive parody game allows the user to live in the shoes of Tiger Woods. Whether a user wants to sleep with cocktail waitresses, fight with other golfers at a nightclub, or just party and get drunk, the game allows them to do it.”

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4. How would you like to be selling Cavalier season seats about now?

Owner Dan Gilbert surveys the remaining rubble from the Cavaliers.

Coach Mike Brown was fired. General manager Danny Ferry resigned. LeBron James has thrown himself onto eBay. Now owner Dan Gilbert thinks he’s going to get Tom Izzo to leave Michigan State and coach his team? Yes, methinks the Cavaliers are about to become Cleveland-worthy again. And on a related note, word is the team also is shopping Mo Williams and Delonte West. They have not said if LeBron’s mother would be included in the West deal (a link, just in case you miss the rumor that may well leave you nauseated but certainly would explain a lot about James’ playoff fizzle).

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3. From the Miami Hurricanes’ school of humility

Good morning, boys and girls. Today, we are going to learn about sportsmanship. And geraniums. Please take note of the video below. Engel Beltre of the Bakersfield Blaze (A) has just hit a walk off home run, and he decided to celebrate this achievement by basically sticking it in the face of every player on the Visalia Rawhide within earshot as he rounded the bases. It seems humility and Beltre never intersected in his life. This brawl resulted in seven players getting suspended, led by Beltre at five games. He might want to use the time to purchase a muzzle. (FYI, according to Wezenball, Beltre’s home run trot last 1 minute, 7.47 seconds, ending with the classy flip off.

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2. BP — even the initials have a low Q rating

I'm assuming Manny The Manatee also never rode the Exxon Valdez.

BP, you’ve just lost Brevard County. Yes, it’s one thing to alienate environmentalists and pretty much anyone who doesn’t like their beaches or birds covered with sludge. But this is how much of a stigma BP has now: The Brevard County (Fla.) Manatees of the Florida State League want everybody to know that they no longer take BP — as in batting practice — before games. Instead, they are officially changing the name of their daily pre-game routine to “hitting rehearsal.”  Manatees general manager Kyle Smith said, “As an organization we feel that changing the term ‘batting practice’ and ‘BP’ to ‘hitting rehearsal’ shows that we are deeply concerned and hurt by the disaster on the Gulf Coast.”  I think I speak for everybody when I say that Kyle Smith has too much time on his hands. But maybe more “rehearsal” is in order. The Manatees are hitting .253.

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1. A muted response . . . from Hugo Chavez?

Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro were known for fastballs, high and inside.

Noted human rights crushers, U.S. basher and Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is a long-time baseball fan, similar to his mentor, Fidel Castro. So it figured he would come out breathing fire when that American pig and infidel Jim Joyce called a Cleveland runner safe and destroying the potential perfect game of Venezuelan (on loan to Detroit) pitcher Armando Galarraga. Instead, he said, “From here we salute Armando,” praised the pitcher for grace and called Joyce “noble” for having apologized to the pitcher. He added: “The umpire was wrong … but, well, the umpire is the umpire.” Either somebody kidnapped Hugo Chavez or this guy is the next Bucs’ spokesman.

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