Countdown messes: Calipari, ‘Toine and Facepaint Guy

The Count doesn't spend much time in front of the mirror.

The Count marvels at the college coach who excels at making a mess but is gone by the time the hammer drops. Like he was never there. The Count can stand in front of a mirror and not see his reflection. He always wondered if anybody ever saw Lou Holtz stand in front of  a mirror. Holtz captains the College Sports Soul-less Hall of Fame. He got Minnesota on probation. But by then he already was at Notre Dame. He got Notre Dame on probation. But by then he already was at South Carolina.  He got South Carolina on probation. But by then he already was at ESPN. When Holtz retires from ESPN, I’m certain the FCC will find some reason to shut down the network. And speaking of bankrupt souls, there’s another shadowy figure up ahead. It looks like, it could be . . . yes, it’s John Calipari. Wow. Knock me over with an apparition. We count down . . .

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10. Now do you know why he would think of an NBA job?

John Calipari: "NCAA? Hah! Nothing up sleeve. Presto!"

When the Calipari-to-the-Chicago Bulls’ rumors started last month, people were convinced he was just trying to leverage that job opening to get a raise at Kentucky. Not really sure why Calipari deserves a raise. Does losing to West Virginia in the NCAA tournament as a No. 1 seed get a coach a raise these days? Anyway, Calipari may want to start looking around again. Now comes word that — ta-da! — the NCAA is looking into the curious academic history of former Kentucky guard Eric Bledsoe (already gone after one year/season). The New York Times has a detailed story of academic shenanigans during Bledsoe’s high school career in Alabama, including his grade point average in core classes jumping from 1.9 to 2.5 his senior year, which suddenly made him NCAA eligible. Of course, there is no direct evidence yet that Bledsoe’s GPA leap was orchestrated by Kentucky or Calipari. But isn’t it an amazing coincidence that almost the exact same thing happened at Memphis with Derrick Rose? Wait. Who was Memphis’s coach again? Don’t tell me . . .

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9. NCAA’s trail: UMass to Memphis to Kentucky

Derrick Rose was in the NBA when the mess hit at Memphis.

Somebody took an SAT test for Rose. (Fraud.) That allowed him to get into Memphis. The coach there: Calipari. Massachusetts had a player, Marcus Camby, who was caught accepting money and gifts from an agent. The coach there: Calipari. He therefore accomplished an unprecedented college basketball double: Having the NCAA vacate victories from Final Four teams at two different schools. But Kentucky fans say, “Hah!” — joke’s on the NCAA. All they can take away from last year is East Regional victories! OK. It’s true Calipari was not directly implicated at Memphis or UMass. He may not be directly implicated here. But isn’t that the way it always works? Al Capone: tax evasion. John Clay, the long-time columnist at the Lexington Herald Leader, wrote: “The upside to having John Calipari as your basketball coach came November through late March, when his Kentucky Wildcats won 35 games, captured the SEC regular season and tournament championships, and earned a No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament. The downside to having John Calipari as your basketball coach is you never know what’s going to pop up next. Or maybe you do.” Also this: “How many times can Calipari say, ‘I didn’t know?’” Anybody have a mirror?

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8. Antoine Walker loses $110 million, now wants to make comeback

Antoine Walker needs to play to support his $1,000 a month clothing expenses and millions in gambling debts.

Might as well stay in Kentucky:  Former NBA star (briefly a Hawk) Antoine Walker made $110 million in 13 seasons, but somehow he is bankrupt. He is listing $4.2 million in assets and $12.7 million in liabilities. His biggest downfall (besides stupidity): gambling. Put it this way: I found a link to his bankruptcy on OnlinePoker.net. Walker owes $1.2 million to casinos in Las Vegas and Indiana. He was charged with writing $1 million in bad checks in 2009. Before you come to me with, “Gambling is a disease and the man deserves our pity,” here’s where he loses me. Walker says his monthly expenses include $1,000 on clothes, $1,000 on recreation, $1,000 on transportation (excluding car payments), $1,200 in housekeeping and $1,000 in training. So where is all this going? Just think: What would a heavyweight boxer do? Yes, Walker is mounting a comeback. He was in Louisville the other day, practicing with Rick Pitino. Walker’s comment to the Louisville Courier Journal: “I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. I know I want to play basketball, so I know I’m going to apply myself. I know I’ve got one shot.” Might want try cutting the overhead a little. And stop hitting on 19.

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7. Video evidence of the looney side of Stephen Rollins

Stephen Rollins would stand out at NHL owners meetings.

The other day we told you about Stephen Rollins, who says he wants to purchase the Thrashers and is “friends” on Facebook with Clint Eastwood, Julie Andrews, Brooke Burke, Anne Hathaway and possibly Queen Elizabeth II. We had heard that he was a rabid Thrashers’ fan. Really rapid. Somebody had even whispered to us that he was borderline kooky and a face-painter. But we thought, come on: a rich Hollywood guy may over-inflate his worth a little. But kooky and a face painter? But alas! The Count’s vast network of secret sources have come through! To the left is a screen grab of Rollins. It comes from a Thrashers’ 2005-06 fan appreciation video tape. Rollins will emerge on screen at the 51-second mark. Watch it, and then ask yourself: Do I want this man sitting at the long table during the NHL’s Board of Governors’ meetings?

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6. So when do Canton and Toledo weigh in?

The entire state of Ohio has officially gone wacko. It  started with the “Please Stay, LeBron” video (sung to “We Are The World,” a couple of weeks ago (which I’m posting again for those who missed it). Now Akron, which exists largely to make Cleveland look livable, is going to hold a “LeBron James Appreciation Day” on June 19. Unlike a Bar Mitzvah, we can’t be certain if James will attend, or if he will be too busy looking for a real estate in Manhattan, Chicago or South Beach. Yes, Ohio is taking groveling to a new level. Do these people not have lives? I’m just waiting for 100 fathers to climb the hill to LeBron’s house, knock on the front door and proclaim, “We would be honored, sir, if you would take our daughters for your harem.” And perhaps we could mow your lawn. There’s also a website, SendLeBronToChicago.com, that is seeking donations so it can put up billboards aimed at persuading James to sign with the Bulls. But wait, there’s more . . . !!!

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5. Clippers fans deluded, Indians’ fans sucker-punched

Ozzie Guillen had some fun at the expense of Cleveland fans when he signed autographs and wrote these messages on the baseballs.

The Count’s pal and long-lost twin, Sekou Smith, whose Hangtime blog at NBA.com is a must-read for any hoops fan, referenced this humorous possibility the other day: LeBron The Clipper King. To which anybody with a cranium would respond: Hah! Yes, a small but spunky group of Los Angeles Clippers fans marched in downtown L.A., chanting, “We want the King!” and “Clipper Nation!” Folks, it will never happen. Hawks fans, take comfort that at least one franchise has less of a chance at signing James than your team does. And finally on LeBron (for this week), we salute Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who when asked to sign autographs by Indians fans wrote the above pictured messages on the baseballs: “Bye Bye Lebron. LOL” and “When are you going to win anything in sports? Please.”

Clipper Nation’s March on Staples!

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4. Note to Natalie: Look good, swing a club, don’t talk

Natalie Gulbis: Hot golfer but not a great judge of character.

The Count just needed a reason to run a picture of Natalie Gulbis (you’re welcome), and she provided one. Gulbis claims her ex-boyfriend, Ben Roethlisberger, is really a “great guy.” Wow. That should come as a great relief to the two women who have accused him of sexual assault. I guess it also pretty much dismisses everything in a two-part AJC series on “Ben-A-Palooza,” as well Sports Illustrated’s similarly indicting cover story on Roethlisberger. I’m sure Gulbis is very nice. I cheered when she posed for FHM. I wept when she was fired on “Celebrity Apprentice.” But just because Roethlisberger was nice to her doesn’t mean he didn’t devolve into the Missing Link. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger is expected to attend Pittsburgh Steelers OTAs, starting Tuesday. That should go well, considering he has been suspended for the first six games of the season and half the city of Pittsburgh wants to drop him into the Monongahela (Gulbis’ endorsement notwithstanding).

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3. Welcome to Seminole Two-Face Nation

Tell me if this sounds a little two-faced: Florida State, which pushed Bobby Bowden out the door — actually, the Board of Trustees first pushed him into the wall and then out the door — now wants to profit off of his carcass. The Seminoles are hawking a commemorative DVD from Bowden’s final game, the Gator Bowl victory over West Virginia. The cost is $19.95. Also, possibly a limb and a pint of blood. The DVD is titled, “Farewell To A Legend.” Sounded better than, “The Public Stoning.”

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2. Do you want upper deck or field level for game you can’t see?

OK, FSU profiting off of Bowden’s final game is not the strangest sports memorabilia item in the country this week. It’s not even the strangest in Florida. The Marlins have decided to sell unsold tickets at face value for last Saturday’s game against Philadelphia, when Roy Halladay threw a perfect game. Maybe they’re just trying to raise money to add a bench player. This sets one of the strangest precedents I’ve ever heard of. Perhaps we can go back in time and sell the unsold tickets to Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game, the 56th game in Joe Dimaggio’s hitting streak game and Cy

Reggie Bush is long gone from USC.

Young’s 511th win. Better yet, maybe we can reproduce unsold tickets to all 20 perfect games in baseball history. Whoever buys the complete set can claim they were there for every game! By the way, I’ve got two unused tickets from Noah’s Ark if you’re interested.

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1. Here comes the judge — a little too late

The NCAA reportedly will release the results of its investigation into USC’s football and basketball programs Friday. Pete Carroll, Reggie Bush, Tim Floyd and O.J. Mayo will not be in attendance. But I’m sure they’ll be having a viewing party somewhere.

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