Countdown: Venus’s dress, Nu’Keese’s goof, Elin’s number

The Count wears slimming black.

The Count used to like to show a little skin. But, you know, he never was very good at mixing in a salad, and with age and teenagers and biting too many chicks in the food court at the mall, he lost the abs and the legs. That’s where the idea for the slimming cape came in. And black. Always in black. Can you imagine what vertical stripes would do to The Count’s rear-side dungeon? But Venus Williams isn’t looking for a cape. Well, unless it comes with stilettos and a whip and a devilish smile and, um, where was I? We count down . . .

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10. I see London, I see France, I see Venus’s underpants

So now we know. Venus Williams does NOT wear boxers (or much else).

So by now, you’ve probably seen some of the pictures of Williams’ lacy tennis dress that showed her full hiney, somewhat covered only by some hugging, sheer, flesh-tone undies and . . . OK, I’m struggling with my descriptive writing. Williams wore the Slutwear –  Yes! That’s it! Pulitzer! — Sunday at the French Open. Actually, The Count finds the whole thing hysterical. We see shorter, equally revealing dresses in women’s figure skating and nobody says a word. Is it because women figure skaters have smaller hineys? “The outfit was about illusion,” Williams said, “and that’s been a lot my motif this year, illusion.” OK, I believe we’ve lost Venus De Buttikis. But you know what’s really funny about this is: The French are offended! Who knew that was possible? They thought the outfit was too risque. Seriously? The French? I’m actually part French. I have some family there. So I’m a little familiar with the culture. The word, risque, literally means,  “She who walks around Paris with no underwear, except possibly on my boyfriend’s head, which pretty much covers everybody on this side of the street and at least half the people on the other side of the street.” Well, maybe not LITERALLY. But close, I think. The French tennis fans booed Williams. I wonder if they would’ve felt different if it was a French player? Or maybe if the dress was designed by Dior?

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9. So where do you go after Hampton drops you?

There was a time when major schools actually fought over this kid.

The Count believes in redemption. That’s why when Tennessee kicked Nu’Keese Richardson off of the football team for his role in an armed robbery of a convenience store — which as it turns out was not part of Lane Kiffin’s conditioning program — there was still reason to believe he would wake up one morning and think, “I’m a moron.” Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case. Richardson is still a moron. Only now he’s a moron who’ll be lucky if he can stay in 1-AA Hampton University. Oh, and attention, Walmart: You might want to check on things in menswear. . . .

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8. It turns out you can’t keep things secret on Twitter

This story first broke on the website Sports By Brooks. I’m not going to post the video or the transcript because it includes profanity and racial and homosexual slurs. But here it is in short: Richardson, a former top recruit from south Florida, and two of his friends posted a video on his Twitter page (since removed) clowning around in a Walmart in Riviera Beach, Fla. His friends, including North Carolina State’s Jarvis Byrd, were tearing open T-shirt packages, trying on T-shirts and putting them on under their own shirts. Guess what? It turns out people read Twitter. Who knew? The backlash caused Richardson to take down the video and he later posted, “shirts got paid for so no worries.” Also: “Folks these days have NO LIFE! PLEASE LEAVE ME AH ALONE.” His level of doesn’t-get-it-ness continues to rise. For what it’s worth, Richardson is on probation and any violation could land him in prison. So far, authorities in Tennessee have not charged anybody with a crime. But it’s only May. Odds on Richardson making it through the summer clean? Anybody?

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7. Let’s see, $750 million divided by 120 mistresses . . .

If the Howells had divorced on Gilligan's Island, the settlement might've been even bigger than Tiger-Elin.

So here’s the latest from Tiger Woods’ impending ex, Elin Nordegren: She is seeking a divorce settlement of $750 million. That would not equal the $1.7 billion that Rupert Murdoch was forced to pay his first relative Lovey Howell (Anna Murdoch). But it would far exceed the $168 million that Michael Jordan had to give Juanita Jordan to keep quiet about his philandering and gambling (wait, did I say that?). It also believed to be a record for any divorce remotely connected to a Perkins waitress or the cinematic classic, “Mayhem Explosions 8.” According to my financial sources at NationMaster.com, with $750 million, Nordegren would rank 196^th in the world in gross domestic product, behind Lichtenstein ($825 million) but ahead of Liberia ($631 million), Samoa ($500 million) and the British Virgin Islands ($320 million). So in theory, she could purchase the British Virgin Islands, still have $430 million left over and she would never have to worry about running into the non-Virgin Islands, like Joslyn James. (See? Non-Virgin . . . never mind.)

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6. There is a special place in ownership hell for Tom Hicks

This is Tom Hicks, and he's as dumb as he looks.

The Count would like to congratulate Donald Sterling, Al Davis and anybody else, dead or alive, whom you might consider the worst sports owner in America. Tom Hicks just moved to the top (or bottom) of the list. Hicks is mortgaging players like you would mortgage Baltic Avenue in Monopoly. One of his toys, the Texas Rangers, went into Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday.  I’ve never been clear about how the whole “chapter” thing works. But in this case, each chapter is worth over $47.7 million because Hicks is $525 million in debt, not even including all of those $35 overdraft fees you get hit with every time you bounce a check. This probably all is a precursor to the Rangers being sold to a group that includes Nolan Ryan. But the fact remains that Hicks is a yutz. This is the guy who gave Alex Rodriguez a $252 million and Chan Ho Park $65 million and then . . . and then . . . ready? . . . He held a news conference to proclaim: “For the good of baseball, we need to have cost containment.” Wait, it gets worse. . .

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5. Frank Wren: That’s opportunity knocking

This might be a good time for the Braves to try to re-claim some of the players they sent to Texas for Mark Teixeira.

Hicks spoke those magically moronic words to the media as he was sitting on his yacht in San Diego. Yes, the MLB Players Association had a field day with that one. Hicks had to borrow $35 million last season just to make payroll. The all-you-can-eats seats at Texas home games this season includes raisins and juice boxes. You know, this might be a good time for Braves general manager Frank Wren to get back a few pieces from that Mark Teixeira trade. I get the feeling the Rangers would offer up reliever Neftali Feliz for some clean towels and a $25 Target gift card. For what it’s worth, here’s a link to the Rangers’ 21-page filing in U.S. Bankruptcy court. It lists the top 30 creditors, led by (duh) Rodriguez ($24.9 million in deferred compensation); ex-Braves pitcher Kevin Millwood ($12.9 million); third baseman Michael Young ($3.9 million); and “Buses by Bill, Inc.” ($9,964).

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4. What is in Thomas Dimitroff’s iPod? You don’t want to know

Thomas Dimitroff reacts to the release of his embarrassing playlist.

The Falcons’ Thomas Dimitroff is among the coolest of NFL general managers. I realize that’s not saying a lot. But can you picture Bill Polian snowboarding and listening to the Grateful Dead? But the other day I was sent a link to Dimitroff’s appearance on dave FM’s “Radio Free Lunch” with Mara Davis. The site includes a Dimitroff’s reported playlist. Here it is: “And It Stoned Me” (Van Morrison), “Truckin’” (Grateful Dead), “Steamroller” (James Taylor);  “Toes” (Zac Brown Band);  “Spirit In The Night” (Bruce Springsteen), “Ramblin’ Man” (Allman Brothers Band) and, under the heading, McDonald’s Daily Cheese: “Mandy” (Barry Manilow). So of course, I sent Dimitroff a text message telling him that he was dead to me and immediately phoned me to explain himself. He claimed Mandy” wasn’t on his playlist and that he actually said on the air that he wouldn’t have the song on his iPod. But when I clicked the three audio links to the interviews with Dimitroff and New England coach Bill Belichick, Dimitroff ADMITS “Mandy” was on his iPod in New England. This would be a good time to return his 2008 Executive of the Year Award. Postscript: In a follow-up text message, Dimitroff said he went through his iPod and supplied this update: “No Manilow  but I do have Tom Jones, ‘What’s New Pussycat?’”

Listen to what gets Dimitroff pumped before the draft:

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3. It turns out there’s life after football — in the CFL

Here's O.J. Santiago back on U.S. soil in 1998 when he played for Falcons.

The next time a Canadian walks up to you and says the CFL is an entertaining product to be respected, I want you to do two things: kick him in the knee, steal his Molson and mention the name, O.J. Santiago. (Actually, that’s three things. But the punch and beer thing sort of go together). Santiago, the former Falcons’ tight end credited with starting the, “Dirty Bird” dance in 1998, just signed with the Montreal Alouettes. What makes this noteworthy is Santiago is 36. And he hasn’t played a down since 2003. After which he got cut. From the 4-12 Oakland Raiders. I supposed Santiago should be commended for not making the expected career transition to, “Would you like fries with that, ma’am?” But what does this say about the CFL? An actual quote from Alouettes general manager Jim Popp: “He may be able to add a new dimension to our offense.” A visionary.

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2. Hossa on his way to third runner-up trophy?

Marian Hossa didn't score on this play against San Jose but Chicago is in the Stanley Cup finals anyway.

Former Thrashers winger Marian Hossa is in the Stanley Cup finals for third straight season with his third different team: Pittsburgh (he lost to Detroit), Detroit (he lost to Pittsburgh) and now Chicago (the Blackhawks will face Philadelphia. Hossa: “Yeah, it is weird. I’m speechless.” Yeah. Almost goal-less. too. Hossa can be a terrific player. But he went comatose in his last season with the Thrashers and he is proving to be the Joe Johnson of the NHL. OK, one difference: At least he’s making it to the finals. But here’s a factoid: Despite the Blackhawks’ surge, Hossa has only two goals in 16 playoff games. Also noteworthy is that the Chicago Sun Times did a story on the 10 keys to Chicago being built into a Cup finals team, and Hossa wasn’t listed as one of them. He’s their highest paid player.

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1. When does something go wrong for Phil Jackson?

It's good to be King. It's better to be Phil Jackson (with girlfriend Jeanie Buss).

There’s a report on ESPN that the Chicago Bulls are trying to lure back coach Phil Jackson with the hope that Jackson can help lure LeBron James. Putting aside that this is a long shot, think of this: Jackson could go through his career having coached Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal and LeBron James. He also dates Jeanie Buss, the daughter of Lakers owner Jerry Buss. She once posed nude in Playboy with two strategically placed basketballs. So when Jackson wins the lottery, is it a bad day?

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