Countdown: Venus’s dress, Nu’Keese’s goof, Elin’s number

The Count wears slimming black.

The Count wears slimming black.

The Count used to like to show a little skin. But, you know, he never was very good at mixing in a salad, and with age and teenagers and biting too many chicks in the food court at the mall, he lost the abs and the legs. That’s where the idea for the slimming cape came in. And black. Always in black. Can you imagine what vertical stripes would do to The Count’s rear-side dungeon? But Venus Williams isn’t looking for a cape. Well, unless it comes with stilettos and a whip and a devilish smile and, um, where was I? We count down . . .

10. I see London, I see France, I see Venus’s underpants

So now we know. Venus Williams does NOT wear boxers.

So now we know. Venus Williams does NOT wear boxers (or much else).

So by now, you’ve probably seen some of the pictures of Williams’ lacy tennis dress that showed her full hiney, somewhat covered only by some hugging, sheer, flesh-tone undies and . . . OK, I’m struggling with my descriptive writing. Williams wore the Slutwear –  Yes! That’s it! Pulitzer! — Sunday at the French Open. Actually, The Count finds the whole thing hysterical. We see shorter, equally revealing dresses in women’s figure skating and nobody says a word. Is it because women figure skaters have smaller hineys? “The outfit was about illusion,” Williams said, “and that’s been a lot my motif this year, illusion.” OK, I believe we’ve lost Venus De Buttikis. But you know what’s really funny about this is: The French are offended! Who knew that was possible? They thought the outfit was too risque. Seriously? The French? I’m actually part French. I have some family there. So I’m a little familiar with the culture. The word, risque, literally means,  “She who walks around Paris with no underwear, except possibly on my boyfriend’s head, which pretty much covers everybody on this side of the street and at least half the people on the other side of the street.” Well, maybe not LITERALLY. But close, I think. The French tennis fans booed Williams. I wonder if they would’ve felt different if it was a French player? Or maybe if the dress was designed by Dior?

9. So where do you go after Hampton drops you?

To think, there was a time when major schools were fighting over this guy.

There was a time when major schools actually fought over this kid.

The Count believes in redemption. That’s why when Tennessee kicked Nu’Keese Richardson off of the football team for his role in an armed robbery of a convenience store — which as it turns out was not part of Lane Kiffin’s conditioning program — there was still reason to believe he would wake up one morning and think, “I’m a moron.” Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case. Richardson is still a moron. Only now he’s a moron who’ll be lucky if he can stay in 1-AA Hampton University. Oh, and attention, Walmart: You might want to check on things in menswear. . . .

8. It turns out you can’t keep things secret on Twitter

twitterThis story first broke on the website Sports By Brooks. I’m not going to post the video or the transcript because it includes profanity and racial and homosexual slurs. But here it is in short: Richardson, a former top recruit from south Florida, and two of his friends posted a video on his Twitter page (since removed) clowning around in a Walmart in Riviera Beach, Fla. His friends, including North Carolina State’s Jarvis Byrd, were tearing open T-shirt packages, trying on T-shirts and putting them on under their own shirts. Guess what? It turns out people read Twitter. Who knew? The backlash caused Richardson to take down the video and he later posted, “shirts got paid for so no worries.” Also: “Folks these days have NO LIFE! PLEASE LEAVE ME AH ALONE.” His level of doesn’t-get-it-ness continues to rise. For what it’s worth, Richardson is on probation and any violation could land him in prison. So far, authorities in Tennessee have not charged anybody with a crime. But it’s only May. Odds on Richardson making it through the summer clean? Anybody?

7. Let’s see, $750 million divided by 120 mistresses . . .

If Lovey Howell had ever divorced Thurston on Gilligan's Island, the settlement might have been even bigger than Tiger-Elin.

If the Howells had divorced on Gilligan's Island, the settlement might've been even bigger than Tiger-Elin.

So here’s the latest from Tiger Woods’ impending ex, Elin Nordegren: She is seeking a divorce settlement of $750 million. That would not equal the $1.7 billion that Rupert Murdoch was forced to pay his first relative Lovey Howell (Anna Murdoch). But it would far exceed the $168 million that Michael Jordan had to give Juanita Jordan to keep quiet about his philandering and gambling (wait, did I say that?). It also believed to be a record for any divorce remotely connected to a Perkins waitress or the cinematic classic, “Mayhem Explosions 8.” According to my financial sources at NationMaster.com, with $750 million, Nordegren would rank 196th in the world in gross domestic product, behind Lichtenstein ($825 million) but ahead of Liberia ($631 million), Samoa ($500 million) and the British Virgin Islands ($320 million). So in theory, she could purchase the British Virgin Islands, still have $430 million left over and she would never have to worry about running into the non-Virgin Islands, like Joslyn James. (See? Non-Virgin . . . never mind.)

6. There is a special place in ownership hell for Tom Hicks

This is Tom Hicks, (former) billionaire, and he's as dumb as he looks.

This is Tom Hicks, and he's as dumb as he looks.

The Count would like to congratulate Donald Sterling, Al Davis and anybody else, dead or alive, whom you might consider the worst sports owner in America. Tom Hicks just moved to the top (or bottom) of the list. Hicks is mortgaging players like you would mortgage Baltic Avenue in Monopoly. One of his toys, the Texas Rangers, went into Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday.  I’ve never been clear about how the whole “chapter” thing works. But in this case, each chapter is worth over $47.7 million because Hicks is $525 million in debt, not even including all of those $35 overdraft fees you get hit with every time you bounce a check. This probably all is a precursor to the Rangers being sold to a group that includes Nolan Ryan. But the fact remains that Hicks is a yutz. This is the guy who gave Alex Rodriguez a $252 million and Chan Ho Park $65 million and then . . . and then . . . ready? . . . He held a news conference to proclaim: “For the good of baseball, we need to have cost containment.” Wait, it gets worse. . .

5. Frank Wren: That’s opportunity knocking

This might be a good time for the Braves to try to re-claim some of the players they sent to Texas for Mark Teixeira.

This might be a good time for the Braves to try to re-claim some of the players they sent to Texas for Mark Teixeira.

Hicks spoke those magically moronic words to the media as he was sitting on his yacht in San Diego. Yes, the MLB Players Association had a field day with that one. Hicks had to borrow $35 million last season just to make payroll. The all-you-can-eats seats at Texas home games this season includes raisins and juice boxes. You know, this might be a good time for Braves general manager Frank Wren to get back a few pieces from that Mark Teixeira trade. I get the feeling the Rangers would offer up reliever Neftali Feliz for some clean towels and a $25 Target gift card. For what it’s worth, here’s a link to the Rangers’ 21-page filing in U.S. Bankruptcy court. It lists the top 30 creditors, led by (duh) Rodriguez ($24.9 million in deferred compensation); ex-Braves pitcher Kevin Millwood ($12.9 million); third baseman Michael Young ($3.9 million); and “Buses by Bill, Inc.” ($9,964).

4. What is in Thomas Dimitroff’s iPod? You don’t want to know

Thomas Dimitroff reacts to the release of his embarrassing playlist.

Thomas Dimitroff reacts to the release of his embarrassing playlist.

The Falcons’ Thomas Dimitroff is among the coolest of NFL general managers. I realize that’s not saying a lot. But can you picture Bill Polian snowboarding and listening to the Grateful Dead? But the other day I was sent a link to Dimitroff’s appearance on dave FM’s “Radio Free Lunch” with Mara Davis. The site includes a Dimitroff’s reported playlist. Here it is: “And It Stoned Me” (Van Morrison), “Truckin’” (Grateful Dead), “Steamroller” (James Taylor);  “Toes” (Zac Brown Band);  “Spirit In The Night” (Bruce Springsteen), “Ramblin’ Man” (Allman Brothers Band) and, under the heading, McDonald’s Daily Cheese: “Mandy” (Barry Manilow). So of course, I sent Dimitroff a text message telling him that he was dead to me and immediately phoned me to explain himself. He claimed Mandy” wasn’t on his playlist and that he actually said on the air that he wouldn’t have the song on his iPod. But when I clicked the three audio links to the interviews with Dimitroff and New England coach Bill Belichick, Dimitroff ADMITS “Mandy” was on his iPod in New England. This would be a good time to return his 2008 Executive of the Year Award. Postscript: In a follow-up text message, Dimitroff said he went through his iPod and supplied this update: “No Manilow  but I do have Tom Jones, ‘What’s New Pussycat?’”

Listen to what gets Dimitroff pumped before the draft:

3. It turns out there’s life after football — in the CFL

Here's O.J. Santiago back on U.S. soil in 1998 when he played for Falcons.

Here's O.J. Santiago back on U.S. soil in 1998 when he played for Falcons.

The next time a Canadian walks up to you and says the CFL is an entertaining product to be respected, I want you to do two things: kick him in the knee, steal his Molson and mention the name, O.J. Santiago. (Actually, that’s three things. But the punch and beer thing sort of go together). Santiago, the former Falcons’ tight end credited with starting the, “Dirty Bird” dance in 1998, just signed with the Montreal Alouettes. What makes this noteworthy is Santiago is 36. And he hasn’t played a down since 2003. After which he got cut. From the 4-12 Oakland Raiders. I supposed Santiago should be commended for not making the expected career transition to, “Would you like fries with that, ma’am?” But what does this say about the CFL? An actual quote from Alouettes general manager Jim Popp: “He may be able to add a new dimension to our offense.” A visionary.

2. Hossa on his way to third runner-up trophy?

Marian Hossa didn't score on this play against San Jose but Chicago is in the Stanley Cup finals anyway.

Marian Hossa didn't score on this play against San Jose but Chicago is in the Stanley Cup finals anyway.

Former Thrashers winger Marian Hossa is in the Stanley Cup finals for third straight season with his third different team: Pittsburgh (he lost to Detroit), Detroit (he lost to Pittsburgh) and now Chicago (the Blackhawks will face Philadelphia. Hossa: “Yeah, it is weird. I’m speechless.” Yeah. Almost goal-less. too. Hossa can be a terrific player. But he went comatose in his last season with the Thrashers and he is proving to be the Joe Johnson of the NHL. OK, one difference: At least he’s making it to the finals. But here’s a factoid: Despite the Blackhawks’ surge, Hossa has only two goals in 16 playoff games. Also noteworthy is that the Chicago Sun Times did a story on the 10 keys to Chicago being built into a Cup finals team, and Hossa wasn’t listed as one of them. He’s their highest paid player.

1. When does something go wrong for Phil Jackson?

It's good to be King. It's better to be Phil Jackson (with girlfriend Jeanie Buss).

It's good to be King. It's better to be Phil Jackson (with girlfriend Jeanie Buss).

There’s a report on ESPN that the Chicago Bulls are trying to lure back coach Phil Jackson with the hope that Jackson can help lure LeBron James. Putting aside that this is a long shot, think of this: Jackson could go through his career having coached Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal and LeBron James. He also dates Jeanie Buss, the daughter of Lakers owner Jerry Buss. She once posed nude in Playboy with two strategically placed basketballs. So when Jackson wins the lottery, is it a bad day?

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and on Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

79 comments Add your comment

wawel78

May 25th, 2010
1:27 am

first but i should be in bed.

CONFEDERATE DAWG

May 25th, 2010
1:30 am

KILL THE GAYTORS!

Reid Adair

May 25th, 2010
1:32 am

Maybe Elin Nordgren could buy the Texas Rangers and hire Frank Wren as her general manager?

Thomas Dimitroff’s playlist wasn’t that bad – until it got to “Mandy.” Ugh. And then he lied to you about it? Ouch.

Phil Jackson back to Chicago to coach LeBron James? I wonder if Jeanie Buss would go with him.

Go to sleep Count

May 25th, 2010
1:44 am

2nd and I am in bed

PaulieOldschool

May 25th, 2010
2:35 am

Phil Jackson is probably the King of Yutzes, except for that whole Jeannie Buss thing. Hot and wealthy IS a great way to go through life.

[...] Read the full article… [...]

MagnaCarterGT

May 25th, 2010
4:09 am

As a longtime Rangers fan I can tell you that we would be very glad to see Tom Hicks launched into space. We praised him back in 2001 when he landed A-Rod despite the unbelievably bloated contract Hicks gave him… my, how things have changed in the last decade.

Oh, and we’re not giving Salty, Andrus, or Neftali Feliz back, sorry.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by weight loss, Tiffany, dresses, Shenex Prom Dress, dresses women and others. dresses women said: Countdown: Venus's dress, Nu'Keese's goof, Elin's number: Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog) We see shorter, equa… http://bit.ly/bThSD1 [...]

Buzz29

May 25th, 2010
4:31 am

Venus’ testicles are almost hanging out!

F-105 Thunderchief

May 25th, 2010
5:40 am

I think lying about “Mandy,” is both expected and forgivable for anyone. And, how many groupie chicks do you think Manilow has Tigered over the years? ;)

D B Cooper

May 25th, 2010
6:14 am

impossible F-105. Manilow likes boys

Mitch (the one in Rome)

May 25th, 2010
6:32 am

Jeff, I’ve laughed until my cheeks hurt. Not those cheeks, the other ones. Appreciate the great article. Good data and great funny!

Now this list is more like it, Jeff...

May 25th, 2010
6:32 am

…you had a few weeks of “not your best work”, and now you have returned to form, except for #2 – when are you gonna realize that no one who reads your column cares about stinkin’ hockey?!!!

Beast from the East

May 25th, 2010
6:42 am

Confederate Dawg,
You lost that war.
You’re losing this war, too!
17 out of 20!

Big Count Fan

May 25th, 2010
7:28 am

After Elin buys the Virgin Islands, where’s she going to hang Tiger’s . . . well, you know?

Otis the drunk

May 25th, 2010
7:37 am

Hey! Tom Jones is way cool! “What,s new Pussycat” is on all my playlists.

Corey Bingham

May 25th, 2010
7:38 am

Nice call on how horrid Tom Hicks is; you didn’t even mention how Hicks and George Gillet have put tons of debt on the English Premier League soccer team Liverpool. Seems like whatever Hicks touches turns to debt…

You Ain't-Know Gaily Whacker

May 25th, 2010
7:44 am

Throw me under the Buss. Keep America strong-build more submarines.

Thirty Points To Your Twenty-Four Points

May 25th, 2010
7:45 am

Schultzie, isn’t there a video somewhere on YouTube of you, in that Venes Williams get-up, test riding bicycles in Wal Mart?? If I were you, I’d take the afternoon and do whatever it takes to keep that video off your Twitter Page.

You know what they are saying about Social Media these days…. “If youtube myspace, I’ll google your yahoo. And that’s sure to make your facebook twitter”.

JSS

May 25th, 2010
7:52 am

Wow, references of bestiality and veiled misogyny (figuratively and literally), a user name still fighting “The Lost Cause” (figuratively and literally), and another one calling for the castration of another human being (figuratively and literally); yep, it’s a ‘Tuesday Countdown.’ Gee, it is not even 8 AM yet, good luck screening the rest of the comments if this is the early sample (figuratively and literally)!

Peadawg

May 25th, 2010
7:57 am

I think he looks good in that black and red skirt. Nice pecks.

Pepe Frias played here.

May 25th, 2010
7:58 am

Didnt somebody see Chris Chandler up there in Montreal as well? Im glad OJ has reserected his career. More power to him . Maybe Jamal needs to head up that way as well.

Bob Didier caught here

May 25th, 2010
8:18 am

Welcome back Mighty Count!~~

Oh and by the way, who is that dude dressed in drag and swinging a tennis racket?? Venus “hambone” Williams I might add-

Count, with names like Venus, Nu’Keese and this whacked owner of the Rangers it is no wonder you will never dry up from writing material!

selah!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

May 25th, 2010
8:25 am

Good Stuff JS- Ahhh Nu’keese- from robbing folks at Pilot gas stations to hanging out in his local Walmart. Something tells me he’ll be playing Division II ball in North Dakota. I thought Jamal Anderson was credited with the dirty bird dance after a long day of the “booger sugar”??

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

May 25th, 2010
8:26 am

was it Venus or Serena that looks like 2 Half of Hams are shoved in their backsides??

JSS

May 25th, 2010
8:33 am

Oh, Chapter (Title) just defines the place it appears in the Bankruptcy code… Really, his holding company is just getting to reorganize its operations and finances, unlike Ch. 7 where you cease operation and liquidating all of its assets and paying off their creditors. It puts Ryan and the new owners in a better position to shed cost when they reemerge from Bankruptcy. Just think Continental Airlines. So after the disaster at Liverpool FC back in January, the writing was on the wall for Hicks. He took a pounding in the real estate meltdown… Still, he made most his money in the Soda wars of the 80’s…

SOUTH GA DAWG FAN

May 25th, 2010
8:40 am

I know Phil Jackson is a great coach , but I can’t help but wonder how many championships he would have had with normal stars and not the all world superstars he has been lucky enough to coach .if he never had jordan, or shaq, or kobe ? I am sure he would have won , but I think Michael Jordan would have won his championships with Mel Brooks as his coach.

PMC

May 25th, 2010
8:46 am

we’re too uptight about nudity in America in general. It’s not that big a deal.

TommyJack

May 25th, 2010
8:47 am

Venus. Further evidence of a decline in the culture.

PMC

May 25th, 2010
8:50 am

Everything is bigger in Texas including debt and arrogance.

Paddy

May 25th, 2010
8:51 am

Any word from NCSU on Byrd’s participation at Wal-Mart. Lets see, they tore open the t-shirt packs. Put them on under their shirts and then paid for them. Yea, haven’t we all done that a thousand times over the years. What is the problem? Oh, no bar code to scan! My guess, end of June, back in criminal court in just about any state you wish to name. What a Maroon! Norfolk, Va deserves better than this guy.

gdawginkalamazoo

May 25th, 2010
9:08 am

Buzz29, LMAO!

Jeff, glad the Count is back. It would be great to see an old school player like Ryan back in the bigs running things the way they should be run. Can you imagine somebody proposing to pay A-Rod 252 mil in front of Ryan? He would go all Robin Ventura on them.

South GA Dawg, Jackson would have the same number of titles as Sir Charles Barkely.

dagnabit

May 25th, 2010
9:11 am

Van Morrison is a good choice. I wonder if Jackson still has his estate in Montana . Great place to raise your kids. Has there ever been a drive-by shooting in Montana. Just wondering.

Paul in RDU

May 25th, 2010
9:18 am

Jeff – It’s great to see the Count back and in such excellent form.

Your comments about Tom Hicks don’t do justice to how bad an owner he is – he is the worst on 2 continents. He may have run the Rangers into the ground but that is not the greatest of his sins. He has taken one of the world’s greatest and most successful soccer clubs, one with fanatically devoted fans who fill the stadium for every game and, to quote my hometown newspaper, “systematically raped” the club, sucking out hundreds of millions of pounds such that the club now faces ruin.

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/liverpool-news/local-news/2010/05/22/voice-of-the-echo-liverpool-fc-owners-george-gillett-and-tom-hicks-must-leave-now-100252-26497332/

JSS

May 25th, 2010
9:23 am

@Dagnabit
Yeah there were drive-by shootings in Montana
They were called “Wounded Knee” and “Rosebud” but, the victims got a bit of payback at “Little Big Horn!” Word!

Hillbilly Deluxe

May 25th, 2010
9:51 am

I enjoy watching Canadian football. I like the deeper end zone, the fact that motion isn’t limited (I think that’s been copied by arena football), and the 3 downs.

Pago Pago Trojan

May 25th, 2010
9:59 am

venus=skank…so what’s new?

Bryan G.

May 25th, 2010
10:04 am

I just looked up Elvis Andrus’s stats….thought about how he’d look as our leadoff hitter…cried.

PaulieOldschool

May 25th, 2010
10:05 am

I think that the closest Barely Manenuff has been to a woman is when he used to back up Bette Midler when she performed in the NYC gay bathhouses in the 70’s. Tom Jones, however, rocks.

Put me in coach

May 25th, 2010
10:05 am

Have you ever wondered if Michael Jordan was secretly suspended from basketball for gambling? I think that David Stern did not have the guts to publicly suspend him so Michael retired under the pretense of his father’s death. Was his father’s death part of the gambling debt settlement?

mowreck

May 25th, 2010
10:16 am

funniest BUT, might be R rated videos I’ve seen in a while can be found at http://www.trojangames.com, course I haven’t seen Venus ride the bike yet.

JSS

May 25th, 2010
10:20 am

You know that life has hit a new low when grown men come on a sports blog to bash a old man with a hip replacement! Bash that visor wearing, gel product using purveyor of weak musical taste! Still, I like the Dead (except “Truckin”) and Van Morrison, he’s gotten better with time… Somebody give the “Boy Genius” a copy of “Sweet Melissa!” The rest of playlist is like Ex-Lax…

Illegal in Arizona

May 25th, 2010
10:59 am

First off, what did you expect from a thug wanna be named Nukeese? Secondly, if the Rangers are having a fire sale I want Nelson Cruz. I could care less what T.D. has on his ipod as long as there are Lombardi trophies on the shelf in the near future. Hockey and the C.F.L. both suck. Phil Jackson wouldn’t be Phil Jackson in the first place without Jordan. Some people are just lucky that way. Some people are just Sam Bowie.

Delbert D.

May 25th, 2010
10:59 am

dagnabit – “Has there ever been a drive-by shooting in Montana. Just wondering.”

Oh, yeah. In James Lee Burke novels.

Gen Neyland

May 25th, 2010
11:00 am

Like I said before, ‘You can take the kid outta Florida but you can’t take the Florida outta the kid.’…Part of Nuke’s probation read, ‘Screw up just once and it’s the Big House for you’. So that I don’t have to research it, what did he do..? Lift a pair of boxers at pellet gun-point..?

Gen Neyland

May 25th, 2010
11:04 am

Buzz29 : Those aren’t testes, they hanging ovaries.

gdawginkalamazoo

May 25th, 2010
11:28 am

General, that was bad man. Bad.

JSS

May 25th, 2010
11:30 am

@ Dagnabit and Delbert D.
Look up George Harold Davis…
Being in Big Sky doesn’t protect you from crazy or make you more inclined to be moral!

Hollywould

May 25th, 2010
11:32 am

Great read Jeff. Good luck getting a job when you are kicked out of another school Nu’keese(or whatever that d-ass name is) . By the way, I am strangely attracted to Venus or am I just strange?

DP

May 25th, 2010
11:55 am

Thank goodness it was Venus in that dress instead of Serena. Baby got back. Getting flashed by that backside would be like looking directly at a solar eclipse, it could burn your retinas.