Countdown anomalies: Vicodin, hookers, Valdosta banning?

The Count is high on life. But he does occasionally jones for some plasma.

The Count has a thing for ladies of the evening. He has no choice. He sleeps during the day.

The Count has been a little late to the party on a couple of stories. But really. How many times can we hear the same old stories of NFL draft prospects being asked if their mother is a hooker and general managers possibly covering up stories of their coaches stealing and popping Vicodin? Clearly, this sort of thing happens all the time. Even commissioner Roger Goodell must be numb to it. Besides, he’s too busy cleaning up the league.

Wait a minute. Doesn’t asking humiliating, baseless questions to a draft pick in one city and allegations of Vicodin-popping coaches in another qualify as being in violation of the NFL’s personal conduct policy? For that matter, when the Oakland Raiders’ head coach slugged an assistant, didn’t that tarnish the league’s image? Or does the personal conduct policy only apply to players? We’re watching, commish. And we’re counting down . . .

10. Does this mean you can ask about religion now?

Portney - Toughest Job Interview QuestionsThe Count asked the Falcons’ general manager, Thomas Dimitroff, if he ever felt the need to ask a potential draft pick an embarrassing personal question, though presumably not, “What street corner does your mother work on?” This was Dimitroff’s answer: “Of course, there will always be tough questions when we are talking about millions and millions of dollars guaranteed, before a prospective player hits the turf. That said we all need to step back and re-evaluate our extremely direct approach when interviewing prospects for the next level.”

Let me translate: Yes. It’s not surprising. But when things escalate to the level of Miami general manager Jeff Ireland asking Dez Bryant, “Is your mother a prostitute?” then we have a problem. I mean, you and I can’t even be subjected to, “Do you prefer crunchy or creamy peanut butter?” in job interviews. But there is good news: the Dez Bryant’s Mom Isn’t A Hooker story isn’t going away.  Why is that good news? Because at some point, maybe the commissioner who only has been cracking down on players may actually have to start paying attention to those in the executive suite.

9.  Sometimes a crack dealer is the most believable party

If Jeff Ireland (left) works for Bill Parcells, he can't be believed.

Jeff Ireland (left) works for Bill Parcells. Therefore, he can't be believed.

Yahoo first broke the Bryant story last week. It has since spun into a several directions. Bryant fumed. Ireland apologized. Somebody (we presume the Dolphins) then leaked a story to SI.com that Ireland’s question

Dez Bryant shakes hands with Michael Irvin, but we won't hold that against him.

Dez Bryant shakes hands with Michael Irvin, but we won't hold that against him.

actually came after Bryant offered to the Dolphins in a pre-draft interview that his father was a pimp and his mother worked for the father, which led to Ireland’s misinterpretation. Bryant called that story a lie. Now Bryant’s mom wants an apology. By the way: Angela Bryant is a convicted crack dealer. However, she’s still infinitely more believable than Ireland for the plain and simple reason that he works for Bill Parcells. The last time Bill Parcells told the truth, unicorns roamed the earth. And spoke Latin. And ate Chinese food. When Dimitroff is openly admitting, “We all need to take a step back and re-evaluate our extremely direct approach,” it says something about the questions. If you were interviewing for a job and the guy across the desk asked, “Does your mom work the 11-to-4 shift at, “Bubbles House of Fun-Fun-Fun?” do you suppose you’d complain to somebody? Do you think it would tarnish the company? Maybe speak to the company’s integrity. Ahem: “All persons associated with the NFL are required to avoid conduct detrimental to the integrity of and public confidence in the National Football League. This requirement applies to players, coaches, other team employees, owners, game officials and all others privileged to work in the NFL.” Question: How has Jeff Ireland avoided discipline despite causing one of the most embarrassing NFL stories ever?  But wait! There’s more!

8. Chances of New Orleans Saints’ repeating: zero.

Roger Goodell looked a lot younger four years ago when he got the job.

Roger Goodell looked a lot younger four years ago when he got the job.

Good news, Falcons fans: When the letters, “DEA” are connected with a defending Super Bowl champion in the offseason, that team almost never repeats as champion. The New Orleans Saints are being investigated for covering up a Vicodin scandal. The allegations came up in a civil suit by the team’s former security director, Geoff Santini, who also is a retired FBI agent. In short, he says general manager Mickey Loomis asked him and the training staff to bury evidence of 130 Vicodin pills disappearing from the team’s drug locker. Two other names that have come up: head coach Sean Payton (who says he never has “abused or stolen” drugs) and assistant Joe Vitt (who appears to be the primary focus of the investigation). I’m not sure, but if Loomis, Payton and Vitt were players, wouldn’t Goodell have completed his seven-minute, swift-justice conviction by now? He’s the one who set the bar high for players. Do GMs and coaches not have the same bar? Goodell did not suspend Raiders coach Tom Cable last year, despite his well-publicized punch-out of an assistant coach and past allegations of spousal abuse. Convictions? No. But since when has that stopped Goodell? Somebody is creating a double standard.

7. ‘Maybe I’ll sign w/T-wolves. Ha. LOL. Tweet, tweet.’

ept_sports_nba_experts-591042182-1272902706While the Hawks have made it to the second round of the playoffs, it’s worth noting that impending NBA free agent Chris Bosh is seeking a new home — and asking for your advice via Twitter. Not sure wh0’s more upset: Raptors fans or Bosh’s agent, who presumably is out of a job and his four percent. Seriously, I like Bosh a lot. He’s a terrific player (who would look just dandy in a Hawks uniform). But posing a question to Twitter followers, “Been wanting to ask. Where should I go next season and why?” seems bizarre.  I mean, if 27,000 people from Minnetonka and Bemidji, Minn., Tweet, “You should be a Timberwolve!” is that going to get the deal done? Because I would think money’s kind of an issue. Most creative of the Twitter responses I’ve seen came from a Knicks fan (just guessing), who wrote: “Go to NYC with LeBron, D-Wade, Nash, and Joe Johnson. Have everyone take one year mid level deals and then all re-sign in 2011.”

6. Calipari: The snake in the Bluegrass

When John Calipari isn't coaching, he plays Three Card Monty with sugar packets on the street corner.

When John Calipari isn't coaching, he can usually be found playing Three-card Monte with sugar packets on the street corner.

Kentucky coach John Calipari is taking a lot criticism for the Wildcats having the lowest cumulative grade-point average (2.025) of any Kentucky sports program, as well as the lowest for any basketball team in the SEC. And, yes, OK, Kentucky players (sophomores or higher) must have at least a 1.8 GPA in the fall (such high standards!) to be eligible in the spring (read: March!). And OK, two freshmen players had GPAs of 1.667 and 1.765. But, come on! Cal not serious about academics? He was so interested in Dajuan Wagner’s education at Memphis that he named Wagner’s father “coordinator of basketball operations,” and he was so interested in Tyreke Evans’ education that he named Evans’ personal strength coach an administrative assistant, and we all know how interested he was in Derrick Rose’s education because Rose had somebody else take the SAT for him (not that Calipari would know anything about that. He was too busy reading encyclopedias at the time). Yes, Calipari is all about education: That’s why Massachusetts and Memphis both went on probation after he left — because he made everybody study too much. You still with me? OK, one last thing: There was a great column written this week by The Count’s long-time buddy, Steve Kelley of the Seattle Times. It seems two Portland high school players scheduled a joint news conference to announce they were going to sign with Washington. One of them, Terrence Jones, decided to do the classy thing and phone Calipari to break the news. But Calipari either said something or did something to get the kid to postpone his commitment. Now, I suppose one argument is, “Cal’s just doing his job.” But given the backdrop, should we assume everything is on the up and up if Jones winds up in Lexington? Or was Calipari just selling him on the benefits of playing with a 1.667 GPA?

5. Bad Newz Groomerz?

Pittsburgh-Steelers-dogPoodeles-of-the-caribbean

Chicken-dogI can’t explain why I’m using this item. Maybe because dog-fighting crossed into the NFL and sports mainstream (kinda, sorta) a few years ago, so this seems relevant. Hey PETA: Get a load of Steeler Poodle! There’s a woman named Sandy Hartness who probably has done more to wreck a dogs’ self-esteem than anybody since Bad Newz Kennels. She does extreme dog grooming. Pirate Dog (pictured) actually was a sixth-round draft pick of the Miami Dolphins, despite being asked in pre-draft interviews if his mom was a wench.  (You thought I was going to use another word, didn’t you?) Given the obvious copyright infringement of the Steelers’ logo, to say nothing of having a likeness with Santonio Holmes, I would think NFL Properties will get involved before long. Unless, of course, the dog is in management or something. Then it’s hands off. Do poodles take Vicodin? If you feel the need to see more ‘Doggy ‘Doos, and I realize this is sort of like having to stare at burning buildings, Uproxx has quite a few.

4. The continuing over-protection of Tiger Woods

Giving the thumbs down didn't get this woman ejected in Charlotte, but a verbal shot did get another fan throw out. Question: Why?

Giving the thumbs down didn't get this woman ejected in Charlotte. But a verbal shot from another fan did. Here's a question: Why?

The whole Tiger Woods story still confuses The Count. Not the libido part. That’s easy to figure out. It’s the aftermath. One of Woods’ temporary true loves, Joslyn James, apparently was booked into the same Ritz Carlton as Woods last week in Charlotte. While, he was playing in the Quail Hollow Championship, she was dancing in front of a bunch of hollow heads at a strip club. (Of course, only James made it to the weekend. Hah!) But when Ritz folks realized both parties had booked rooms, they bounced James out. Why? Were they worried about a hookup? Or the better question: How did they determine Woods was of greater moral value to stay at a Ritz Carlton than a porn actress? This should be good. Secondly, security again was heavy at the tournament. Too heavy.  Fans were threatened with ejection if anybody said boo. In fact, one fan was escorted out for saying, “No red shirt for you on Sunday.” I realize golf tournaments aren’t the cheap seats at old Shea Stadium. But the PGA and its underlings have gone way overboard with their protection of Woods. Would a comment to Padraig Harrington have caused the same ejection? And does this that anybody who says something bad about, say, the President, gets thrown out of a rally?

3. Somebody is losing serious man points

kobe1

As a native of Los Angeles, I are sensitive to any crack that would suggest everybody out there dresses like this.

Cleveland’s LeBron James officially took over the reigns as the greatest player in the NBA today after a Sunday Los Angeles Times Magazine pictorial on the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant dropped him to No. 2 — or possibly out of the top 10, depending on how heavily you weigh a loss of man points. The pictures have Bryant dressed in all white . . . stuff. Things like $560 T-shirts that look like something I just wiped my dashboard with. There’s also a Q-and-A that runs with the pictorial, which should appeal to all subscribers of Teen Magazine.

2. Did the Tigers’  pennant hopes just go up in smoke?

Ladies and gentleman: Puff The Magic Manager.

Puff The Magic Manager.

Over/under on retirement for Tigers manager Jim Leyland: next Tuesday. Leyland, who makes the Marboro man look like Euell Gibbons, has the smoker’s misfortune of working in Michigan, which is now a smoke-free state for public workplaces. That would include Comerica Park. I suppose this would be a good thing for Leyland’s lungs, but the man has been smoking so much for so long that it’s kind of like shutting down a coal plant for a day. It’s not going to suddenly look like Switzerland. The irony of the new law is smoking is still allowed in Comerica Park’s cigar bar in the “Tiger Club.”  Then again, Leyland said: “Cigars are legal in that cigar bar, but it’s hard to go down there in the sixth inning.” If a manager’s stability is a factor, the Tigers’ pennant chances just took a hit.

1. Mettenberger: Excommunicated from V-town?

A fairly recent picture of Valdosta.

A fairly recent picture of Valdosta.

Zach Mettenberger, who was part of a Georgia quarterback controversy for about seven minutes, pleaded guilty to counts of misdemeanor sexual battery for inappropriate grabbing/fondling/slobbering over a coed in a bar. In addition to be slapped with probation, community service and a $2,000 fine, Mettenberger was given a most unusual sentence: He has been banished from Valdosta for one year. OK. And the punishment is . . . ?

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and on Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

155 comments Add your comment

Ted Striker

May 4th, 2010
2:12 am

This column is pure gold. Maybe platinum. Striker likes it, he really likes it.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jeff Schultz. Jeff Schultz said: Countdown anomalies: Vicodin, hookers, Valdosta banning? http://bit.ly/cw6Oxa [...]

BIRDDAWGONE

May 4th, 2010
2:26 am

Same ole story, different decade.

BIG BROTHER

May 4th, 2010
2:29 am

tweet this,”I AM EVERYWHERE!”

GT3O

May 4th, 2010
3:00 am

Great blog Jeff! I enjoyed that one a whole lot!

Good points on the New Orleans bit. The ‘Aints really are a disgrace to the NFL.

Laughed really, really hard at the Kobe bit.

Ben Rapelisberger and Zach Molestenburger. How’s that sound?

76-Dawg

May 4th, 2010
3:09 am

Mettenberger must have been arrogant enough,drunk, too have witnesses of his offense, when Roethlisberger take a very drunk 20 year old in a locked room and does the nasty, no witnesses. Doesn’t seem fair, except the 2 million he will lose in salary and probably a little under the table money.

KenDog

May 4th, 2010
3:44 am

I didn’t realize that Valdosta was that nice! Have to catch a covered wagon down there someday….

CONFEDERATE DAWG

May 4th, 2010
3:49 am

AHHH I GREW UP IN HAHIRA AND EVERYONE KNOWS REMERTON IS TROUBLE!

Jen

May 4th, 2010
4:38 am

Great stuff Count!!

KornDawg

May 4th, 2010
5:20 am

I’m getting the impression you think there’s a double standard in the NFL’s personal conduct policy. Is it possible that Goodell has placed Ireland and Cable on “Double Secret Probation” and just hasn’t informed the public?

innocent bystander

May 4th, 2010
5:42 am

One of your best Jeff. But then you did have an unusually rich fund of material to work with on this news cycle. One wonders precisely what the judge was thinking when he slapped on the one year ban from Valdosta.Perhaps Buck Belue will weigh in on this one.With no desire to offend the citizens of that great Football Capital something tells me Zach isn’t going to race back within the city limits on Day 366.

Dez's Mom's Real Pimp

May 4th, 2010
5:51 am

Shouldn’t someone tell LeBronnette that the burka is supposed to cover his face? He could seriously injured in a Muslim country that way.

Dr. Sigmund Football

May 4th, 2010
6:21 am

Moms, that’s Kobe. Light another rock and take another hit.

Dez's Mom's Real Pimp

May 4th, 2010
6:30 am

All those muslim women in the NBA look the same to me.

DJ

May 4th, 2010
7:03 am

Maybe Santonio Holmes was hiding the Vicodin in the IPOD he stole from Dez Bryant’s hooker mom? What kinda suspension do you think SA will get for that one?

Brad in Jasper

May 4th, 2010
7:06 am

Agreed, Striker. The Countdown is always anticipated with morning coffee.

honest_abe

May 4th, 2010
7:06 am

great read, but no mention of the hawks? not a single crack on your favorite nba coach?? you’re slippin jeff…

D B Cooper

May 4th, 2010
7:09 am

Great 1 Jeff and Valdosta is where i’m hiding. 200K goes along way in the 1910’s

DBCOOPER

May 4th, 2010
7:10 am

Does Shultz steal all his columns from Rosey O’Donnell??

[...] AJC Not sure wh0’s more upset: Raptors fans or Bosh’s agent, who presumably is out of a job and his four percent. Seriously, I like Bosh a lot. He’s a terrific player (who would look just dandy in a Hawks uniform). But posing a question to Twitter followers, “Been wanting to ask. Where should I go next season and why?” seems bizarre.  I mean, if 27,000 people from Minnetonka and Bemidji, Minn., Tweet, “You should be a Timberwolve!” is that going to get the deal done? Because I would think money’s kind of an issue. Most creative of the Twitter responses I’ve seen came from a Knicks fan (just guessing), who wrote: “Go to NYC with LeBron, D-Wade, Nash, and Joe Johnson. Have everyone take one year mid level deals and then all re-sign in 2011.” [...]

athensdawg

May 4th, 2010
7:18 am

guess the news out of valdosta will silence the
“we need to give this kid a second chance because we only have one quarterback” crowd.

coach cal needs to hire the lizard of westwood’s son. (harrick jr.) a few of his basic basketball tests will prop those GPAs right on up there where they need to be.

SimpleDawg

May 4th, 2010
7:31 am

We all knew that there had to be more to the Mett story than just a drunk 18 yr old with a fake ID.

Now the punishment seems to fit the crime. What a moron! Too often these kids take their celebrity way too seriously, and think themselves way more important than they are.

Calipari is a snake oil salesman and Kentucky will be up to their Blue Grass in snakes before he leaves Lexington…..of course they’ll have won a bunch of basketball games, which will have to be forfeited, and Adolph Rupp will be spinning in his grave.

Otis the drunk

May 4th, 2010
7:31 am

Uncle Jeff, you went through ten very bad naughties and not once mentioned Nick Saban. Do we blame you or the count?

Otis the drunk

May 4th, 2010
7:31 am

Uncle Jeff, you went through ten very bad naughties and not once mentioned Nick Saban. Do we blame you or the count?

DawgieStyle

May 4th, 2010
7:33 am

Great piece Jeff.
Being banned from Valdosta is the silver lining in this whole mess.

[...] Always love Schultz’s countdown [AJC] [...]

Gltichy

May 4th, 2010
7:44 am

Great Stuff, Jeff – the Count is on a roll this week……

DawgieStyle

May 4th, 2010
7:45 am

Dez’s Mom’s Real Pimp, that was Kobe Bryant, not L. James in the photo.

Charlie Bama

May 4th, 2010
7:47 am

Excellent commentary, Jeff. If the [former Dawg] ZM’s crime were murder, they’d have insisted he visit the town only on weekends?

jeffrey d

May 4th, 2010
7:50 am

I think the best (worst) Kobe picture is the one where he looks like a pilgrim. What I don’t get is:

1) Who looked at that outfit and said “You know who this would look good on? Kobe Bryant.”
2) How could Kobe put that on and not feel like a doof? And then let somebody take his picture

Gen Neyland

May 4th, 2010
7:58 am

Valdosta. Didn’t they use to play football down there..?
Calipari. You mean to tell me he actually has a team with a gpa that high..?
Saints repeating, 1 in 32.
Tiger Woods, meet Terrell Owens, John Daly and Hacker Grizzle. They’ll be playing with you today in the ‘I Screwed up My Wonderful Life’ Open.

tp

May 4th, 2010
8:16 am

Well, at least they’re treating Mettenberger fairly. On the bad side, he’s convicted of sexual battery. On the ‘I can’t believe I’m this freakin’ lucky side’, he gets banished from Valdosta for a year.

Perhaps his lawyers should have fought harder for a lifetime ban. Alas, no one is that lucky!

Reid in EAV

May 4th, 2010
8:16 am

Where are all the outraged Valdostans, protesting the slight? Guess there aren’t any.

SOUTH GA DAWG FAN

May 4th, 2010
8:20 am

Has to be one of the best Countdowns ever Jeff ! great job
Mett did more damage to valdosta than Doc Holliday it makes sense that he was kicked to the curb (so to speak )

[...] AJC Not sure wh0’s more upset: Raptors fans or Bosh’s agent, who presumably is out of a job and his four percent. Seriously, I like Bosh a lot. He’s a terrific player (who would look just dandy in a Hawks uniform). But posing a question to Twitter followers, “Been wanting to ask. Where should I go next season and why?” seems bizarre.  I mean, if 27,000 people from Minnetonka and Bemidji, Minn., Tweet, “You should be a Timberwolve!” is that going to get the deal done? Because I would think money’s kind of an issue. Most creative of the Twitter responses I’ve seen came from a Knicks fan (just guessing), who wrote: “Go to NYC with LeBron, D-Wade, Nash, and Joe Johnson. Have everyone take one year mid level deals and then all re-sign in 2011.” [...]

gdawginkalamazoo

May 4th, 2010
8:31 am

Jeff, totally hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

Ricky

May 4th, 2010
8:35 am

Ejecting the fan for saying that is a joke. Where was the profanity? Woods should be the one ejected for his foul tongue over the years. Like u said, if someone said the same thing to harri or anyone else, nothing would happen. it’s sad they are protecting their little cash cow and he’s stinking it up. here’s hoping for another round of 79 at the players. sure would be fun to see mr woods hit a few tee shots on # 17.

gdawginkalamazoo

May 4th, 2010
8:36 am

That poodle does look like it is about to run a down and out pattern doesn’t it?

Kobe, get the underwear off your head son.

How the hell is Mettenberger supposed to get to Disney World? Don’t you have to go through Valdosta to get there?

Nate

May 4th, 2010
8:41 am

So does this mean he can’t drive on 75 through valdosta or just the inner city limits? Loved the no alcohol part. Riiiiight. Like this kid isn’t going to down some. I bet he already has. He will get caught if they send him to get an assessment and classes. What happens if he goes to play at some lower division school and he plays at val state? LOL

Clay

May 4th, 2010
8:46 am

Let’s see if I have my facts straight:

1) Dez Bryant lied to NCAA investigators

2) Mom is a convicted crack dealer ( presumably the kind who sells drugs to anyone, including teens)

3) Dad is a pimp (the illegal kind presumably)…

And the Bryant family is OFFENDED?!? And Shultzie is offended?!?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

May 4th, 2010
8:47 am

Classic JS, classic. Better the female golf fans give the thumbs down rathter than expose their breasts for Tiger to sign. Imagine a room, where you have Woods, Big Ben and now Mett—ahhh the stories.

DP

May 4th, 2010
8:47 am

Nicely done Jeff. There was a great comment in the link to the UK grades story about how the grades were going to be up in the spring semester. Of course they are, the 4 mercenary one and dones have all dropped out of school by now and their grades won’t count (no pun intended). There will be a new group of mercenaries coming next fall. I predict that after 2 or 3 years of ones and dones without a title and more embarrassments like this, even some of the rabid UK fans will start to question if Calipari is the coach they want. It’s like rooting for an AAU team.

Yep

May 4th, 2010
8:48 am

Is it a BAD sign when the guy that writes the UGA blog has to CLOSE THE COMMENTS section on every other story he reports? Don’t worry about ole’ Mettinbagger. I am sure Reggie Ball can get him a job at the Stone Mountain Wal-Mart

heartofdarkness

May 4th, 2010
8:52 am

The United States Constitution may not permit so broad a ban. We don’t have a procedure for excommunicating citizens in this country. Where is Henry Louis Mencken when we need him?

ATH Dawg

May 4th, 2010
8:54 am

I feel certain the reason why no one from Valdosta has jumped on this string to protest is b/c they just don’t care what Jeff Schultz thinks. The “V” as it is known in some circles is pretty good town. Anyway I hope Mett can put this behind him now.

Clay

May 4th, 2010
8:55 am

My Aunt Jenny is missing a pair of granny panites. How’d they wind up on Kobe’s head?

The Doctor

May 4th, 2010
8:56 am

I remember watching Davis Love get a guy thrown out of a tournament for yelling, “No love,” after a shot. So yeah, I think someone would have been tossed for yelling something about Padraig Harrington too.

SOGADOG

May 4th, 2010
8:59 am

I guess that rules out Mettenberger playing QB for VSU. Why was this case disposed of in the Superior Court instead of State Court? All of Mett’s charges are misdemeanors which are usually filed in State Court. It looks like Mett got a sweatheart deal.

JAmes

May 4th, 2010
9:00 am

Haha. Zach Molestenburger. Nice, GT3O.

Great article, Jeff. I think there is something very wrong with the world when poodles are shaved to look like Steelers players, Kobe looks like… well, I don’t know what he looks like… and when Jim Leyland can’t smoke cigarettes. Whew. Welcome to BIzzaro World.

Zach Molestenburger. Too funny.

He Who Knows

May 4th, 2010
9:05 am

Reading between the lines, you seem to have trouble with the Roetlisberger suspension because he wasn’t convicted of a crime. While following a drunk 20-year old into a bathroom while your bodyguards hold the fort down the hall to keep her friends from helping her may not technically qualify as a crime, especially since the girl refuses to testify, it is still totally unacceptable behavior. Don’t know if you have a daughter, but how would you feel if…….? Big Ben is clearly Pond Scum in Human Form, and your apparent concern for his “rights” strikes me as a thinly veiled “there but for the grace of God go I.”