Countdown anomalies: Vicodin, hookers, Valdosta banning?

The Count has a thing for ladies of the evening. He has no choice. He sleeps during the day.

The Count has been a little late to the party on a couple of stories. But really. How many times can we hear the same old stories of NFL draft prospects being asked if their mother is a hooker and general managers possibly covering up stories of their coaches stealing and popping Vicodin? Clearly, this sort of thing happens all the time. Even commissioner Roger Goodell must be numb to it. Besides, he’s too busy cleaning up the league.

Wait a minute. Doesn’t asking humiliating, baseless questions to a draft pick in one city and allegations of Vicodin-popping coaches in another qualify as being in violation of the NFL’s personal conduct policy? For that matter, when the Oakland Raiders’ head coach slugged an assistant, didn’t that tarnish the league’s image? Or does the personal conduct policy only apply to players? We’re watching, commish. And we’re counting down . . .

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10. Does this mean you can ask about religion now?

The Count asked the Falcons’ general manager, Thomas Dimitroff, if he ever felt the need to ask a potential draft pick an embarrassing personal question, though presumably not, “What street corner does your mother work on?” This was Dimitroff’s answer: “Of course, there will always be tough questions when we are talking about millions and millions of dollars guaranteed, before a prospective player hits the turf. That said we all need to step back and re-evaluate our extremely direct approach when interviewing prospects for the next level.”

Let me translate: Yes. It’s not surprising. But when things escalate to the level of Miami general manager Jeff Ireland asking Dez Bryant, “Is your mother a prostitute?” then we have a problem. I mean, you and I can’t even be subjected to, “Do you prefer crunchy or creamy peanut butter?” in job interviews. But there is good news: the Dez Bryant’s Mom Isn’t A Hooker story isn’t going away.  Why is that good news? Because at some point, maybe the commissioner who only has been cracking down on players may actually have to start paying attention to those in the executive suite.

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9.  Sometimes a crack dealer is the most believable party

Jeff Ireland (left) works for Bill Parcells. Therefore, he can't be believed.

Yahoo first broke the Bryant story last week. It has since spun into a several directions. Bryant fumed. Ireland apologized. Somebody (we presume the Dolphins) then leaked a story to SI.com that Ireland’s question

Dez Bryant shakes hands with Michael Irvin, but we won't hold that against him.

actually came after Bryant offered to the Dolphins in a pre-draft interview that his father was a pimp and his mother worked for the father, which led to Ireland’s misinterpretation. Bryant called that story a lie. Now Bryant’s mom wants an apology. By the way: Angela Bryant is a convicted crack dealer. However, she’s still infinitely more believable than Ireland for the plain and simple reason that he works for Bill Parcells. The last time Bill Parcells told the truth, unicorns roamed the earth. And spoke Latin. And ate Chinese food. When Dimitroff is openly admitting, “We all need to take a step back and re-evaluate our extremely direct approach,” it says something about the questions. If you were interviewing for a job and the guy across the desk asked, “Does your mom work the 11-to-4 shift at, “Bubbles House of Fun-Fun-Fun?” do you suppose you’d complain to somebody? Do you think it would tarnish the company? Maybe speak to the company’s integrity. Ahem: “All persons associated with the NFL are required to avoid conduct detrimental to the integrity of and public confidence in the National Football League. This requirement applies to players, coaches, other team employees, owners, game officials and all others privileged to work in the NFL.” Question: How has Jeff Ireland avoided discipline despite causing one of the most embarrassing NFL stories ever?  But wait! There’s more!

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8. Chances of New Orleans Saints’ repeating: zero.

Roger Goodell looked a lot younger four years ago when he got the job.

Good news, Falcons fans: When the letters, “DEA” are connected with a defending Super Bowl champion in the offseason, that team almost never repeats as champion. The New Orleans Saints are being investigated for covering up a Vicodin scandal. The allegations came up in a civil suit by the team’s former security director, Geoff Santini, who also is a retired FBI agent. In short, he says general manager Mickey Loomis asked him and the training staff to bury evidence of 130 Vicodin pills disappearing from the team’s drug locker. Two other names that have come up: head coach Sean Payton (who says he never has “abused or stolen” drugs) and assistant Joe Vitt (who appears to be the primary focus of the investigation). I’m not sure, but if Loomis, Payton and Vitt were players, wouldn’t Goodell have completed his seven-minute, swift-justice conviction by now? He’s the one who set the bar high for players. Do GMs and coaches not have the same bar? Goodell did not suspend Raiders coach Tom Cable last year, despite his well-publicized punch-out of an assistant coach and past allegations of spousal abuse. Convictions? No. But since when has that stopped Goodell? Somebody is creating a double standard.

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7. ‘Maybe I’ll sign w/T-wolves. Ha. LOL. Tweet, tweet.’

While the Hawks have made it to the second round of the playoffs, it’s worth noting that impending NBA free agent Chris Bosh is seeking a new home — and asking for your advice via Twitter. Not sure wh0’s more upset: Raptors fans or Bosh’s agent, who presumably is out of a job and his four percent. Seriously, I like Bosh a lot. He’s a terrific player (who would look just dandy in a Hawks uniform). But posing a question to Twitter followers, “Been wanting to ask. Where should I go next season and why?” seems bizarre.  I mean, if 27,000 people from Minnetonka and Bemidji, Minn., Tweet, “You should be a Timberwolve!” is that going to get the deal done? Because I would think money’s kind of an issue. Most creative of the Twitter responses I’ve seen came from a Knicks fan (just guessing), who wrote: “Go to NYC with LeBron, D-Wade, Nash, and Joe Johnson. Have everyone take one year mid level deals and then all re-sign in 2011.”

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6. Calipari: The snake in the Bluegrass

When John Calipari isn't coaching, he can usually be found playing Three-card Monte with sugar packets on the street corner.

Kentucky coach John Calipari is taking a lot criticism for the Wildcats having the lowest cumulative grade-point average (2.025) of any Kentucky sports program, as well as the lowest for any basketball team in the SEC. And, yes, OK, Kentucky players (sophomores or higher) must have at least a 1.8 GPA in the fall (such high standards!) to be eligible in the spring (read: March!). And OK, two freshmen players had GPAs of 1.667 and 1.765. But, come on! Cal not serious about academics? He was so interested in Dajuan Wagner’s education at Memphis that he named Wagner’s father “coordinator of basketball operations,” and he was so interested in Tyreke Evans’ education that he named Evans’ personal strength coach an administrative assistant, and we all know how interested he was in Derrick Rose’s education because Rose had somebody else take the SAT for him (not that Calipari would know anything about that. He was too busy reading encyclopedias at the time). Yes, Calipari is all about education: That’s why Massachusetts and Memphis both went on probation after he left — because he made everybody study too much. You still with me? OK, one last thing: There was a great column written this week by The Count’s long-time buddy, Steve Kelley of the Seattle Times. It seems two Portland high school players scheduled a joint news conference to announce they were going to sign with Washington. One of them, Terrence Jones, decided to do the classy thing and phone Calipari to break the news. But Calipari either said something or did something to get the kid to postpone his commitment. Now, I suppose one argument is, “Cal’s just doing his job.” But given the backdrop, should we assume everything is on the up and up if Jones winds up in Lexington? Or was Calipari just selling him on the benefits of playing with a 1.667 GPA?

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5. Bad Newz Groomerz?

I can’t explain why I’m using this item. Maybe because dog-fighting crossed into the NFL and sports mainstream (kinda, sorta) a few years ago, so this seems relevant. Hey PETA: Get a load of Steeler Poodle! There’s a woman named Sandy Hartness who probably has done more to wreck a dogs’ self-esteem than anybody since Bad Newz Kennels. She does extreme dog grooming. Pirate Dog (pictured) actually was a sixth-round draft pick of the Miami Dolphins, despite being asked in pre-draft interviews if his mom was a wench.  (You thought I was going to use another word, didn’t you?) Given the obvious copyright infringement of the Steelers’ logo, to say nothing of having a likeness with Santonio Holmes, I would think NFL Properties will get involved before long. Unless, of course, the dog is in management or something. Then it’s hands off. Do poodles take Vicodin? If you feel the need to see more ‘Doggy ‘Doos, and I realize this is sort of like having to stare at burning buildings, Uproxx has quite a few.

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4. The continuing over-protection of Tiger Woods

Giving the thumbs down didn't get this woman ejected in Charlotte. But a verbal shot from another fan did. Here's a question: Why?

The whole Tiger Woods story still confuses The Count. Not the libido part. That’s easy to figure out. It’s the aftermath. One of Woods’ temporary true loves, Joslyn James, apparently was booked into the same Ritz Carlton as Woods last week in Charlotte. While, he was playing in the Quail Hollow Championship, she was dancing in front of a bunch of hollow heads at a strip club. (Of course, only James made it to the weekend. Hah!) But when Ritz folks realized both parties had booked rooms, they bounced James out. Why? Were they worried about a hookup? Or the better question: How did they determine Woods was of greater moral value to stay at a Ritz Carlton than a porn actress? This should be good. Secondly, security again was heavy at the tournament. Too heavy.  Fans were threatened with ejection if anybody said boo. In fact, one fan was escorted out for saying, “No red shirt for you on Sunday.” I realize golf tournaments aren’t the cheap seats at old Shea Stadium. But the PGA and its underlings have gone way overboard with their protection of Woods. Would a comment to Padraig Harrington have caused the same ejection? And does this that anybody who says something bad about, say, the President, gets thrown out of a rally?

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3. Somebody is losing serious man points

As a native of Los Angeles, I are sensitive to any crack that would suggest everybody out there dresses like this.

Cleveland’s LeBron James officially took over the reigns as the greatest player in the NBA today after a Sunday Los Angeles Times Magazine pictorial on the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant dropped him to No. 2 — or possibly out of the top 10, depending on how heavily you weigh a loss of man points. The pictures have Bryant dressed in all white . . . stuff. Things like $560 T-shirts that look like something I just wiped my dashboard with. There’s also a Q-and-A that runs with the pictorial, which should appeal to all subscribers of Teen Magazine.

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2. Did the Tigers’  pennant hopes just go up in smoke?

Puff The Magic Manager.

Over/under on retirement for Tigers manager Jim Leyland: next Tuesday. Leyland, who makes the Marboro man look like Euell Gibbons, has the smoker’s misfortune of working in Michigan, which is now a smoke-free state for public workplaces. That would include Comerica Park. I suppose this would be a good thing for Leyland’s lungs, but the man has been smoking so much for so long that it’s kind of like shutting down a coal plant for a day. It’s not going to suddenly look like Switzerland. The irony of the new law is smoking is still allowed in Comerica Park’s cigar bar in the “Tiger Club.”  Then again, Leyland said: “Cigars are legal in that cigar bar, but it’s hard to go down there in the sixth inning.” If a manager’s stability is a factor, the Tigers’ pennant chances just took a hit.

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1. Mettenberger: Excommunicated from V-town?

A fairly recent picture of Valdosta.

Zach Mettenberger, who was part of a Georgia quarterback controversy for about seven minutes, pleaded guilty to counts of misdemeanor sexual battery for inappropriate grabbing/fondling/slobbering over a coed in a bar. In addition to be slapped with probation, community service and a $2,000 fine, Mettenberger was given a most unusual sentence: He has been banished from Valdosta for one year. OK. And the punishment is . . . ?

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