Countdown: L.T.’s boozy draft, Ben’s brain, NHL ‘extraction’

The Count's cape wasn't meant for fashion.

People ask The Count all the time, “Dude. The Cape. What gives?” Truth is, it goes back to an unfortunate night in Laredo, Texas, back when The Count still shot tequila, and he really had no choice because the Wolfman jumped up on a bar and yelled, “All you bi*****, drink my shots!” And, well, can’t say no to the Wolfman. The rest of that night is a fog. The next thing anybody knew, the cops broke in and busted The Count for buying drinks for underage souls. TMZ showed up with cameras. The Count grabbed his jacket, draped it over his head like a cape as he tried to run out the door. It was all over the tabloids. But the cape look stuck. Anyways, ever wonder how many sports stars today would grab a cape to put over their head if they could? I mean, Lawrence Taylor – now THERE’s a guy who needed a cape. We count down . . .

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10. Probably not what Roger Goodell was hoping he’d say

L.T. was alternately one of the NFL’s greatest players of all-time and one of its biggest train wrecks. On the field, offenses had to game-plan for him. Not the other 10 guys on the New York Giants’ defense, just him. Off the field, he numbed his brain like maybe no Hall of Famer in history. Did you see this unfortunate interview? L.T. showed up at the NFL draft with other past greats. And what did he say when asked about his memories of the day he was drafted? Oy. Take a look.

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9. How many mistakes can one coach make?

Ralph Wilson doesn't have a lot of good days any more. But Josh McDaniels gave him a good laugh.

Denver coach Josh McDaniels might be worse than Lawrence Taylor. Know why? He can’t use 41 Coors Lights as an excuse for what he pulled the first day of the draft. It’s one thing to be the only NFL coach who so firmly believes that Tim Tebow will make it as an NFL quarterback that he is willing to spend a first-round draft pick with a first-round salary to get him. But McDaniels did this even after he: 1) Traded for Chicago quarterback Kyle Orton last year; 2) Traded a player and two draft picks for Brady Quinn last month; 3) presumably was was told that, as a general rule, NFL teams only use one quarterback per play; 4) traded three draft picks to move up to get Tebow when he almost certainly didn’t have to. Yes,  McDaniels was bamboozled by the Buffalo Bills! Who knew that was scientifically possible? He thought the Bills were going to take Tebow. Oops. According to Buffalo owner Ralph Wilson: “Denver panicked. He’s a good player but we had no interest in taking Tebow.” Cape, Josh?

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8. Hockey player extracts his own tooth — on the bench

Eric Belanger is a hockey player. He used to play for the Thrashers. By the time you finish watching this 25-second video, he will be your hero. Belanger, who now plays for the Washington Capitals, lost “seven or eight teeth” after being smacked in the face by the stick of Montreal’s Marc-Andre Bergeron. Of course, he stayed in the game. And became an amateur dentist in the process. The Count can’t look. But you can.

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7. Signs of the apocalypse: Souvenir sod for the price of . . .

Attention all drunk and giddy New Orleans Saints fans: Would even you spend $99.99 for a piece of the Super Bowl end zone? Seriously?

The Count would like to put a tape over the entire collectables industry. It probably goes back to when he starred in vampire movies and 47-year-old guys used to ask him to bite their neck, just because it raised the value of their plasma at the blood bank. I mean, whatever happened to the days of just thinking it was cool to have The Count’s puncture wounds? Anyway, here’s the most stupid collectable of all. A company called Stadium Associates is selling sod. That’s right: sod. For $84.95, give or take a lobotomy, you can own a 3-by-3-inch piece of “Game Used Sooner Sod” from the Oklahoma’s field. According to a press release, the grass will be freeze-dried and “beautifully displayed in a UV glass display case and will include a photograph and relevant statistics.” Like, I suppose, the date pre-emergent was applied. I understand autographs. I understand pictures. I understand Miss Hooters International 2007 accidentally rubbing up against you and thinking, “I will never wash this arm again.” But sod? You’re going to buy sod? Stadium Associates must believe there’s a significant geek market because they’re also selling chunks of the field from the Philadelphia Phillies, the BCS title game and the Super Bowl, including a $250 “complete set” that includes chunks of the New Orleans and Indianapolis end zones. For $250, you might be able to re-sod your entire backyard.

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6. So it turns out Ben just had a headache?

Roethlisberger: Either concussed or drunk, I can't remember which.

Sometimes I would like to put a cape over the media. In possibly the dumbest story I’ve ever read, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review seems intent on trying to draw a connection between a concussion Ben Roethlisberger received in a game last November and the fact the Steelers quarterback is a complete knucklehead, as well as an overgrown drunk frat boy and an accused sex offender. Quoting from the piece: “Medical experts consulted by the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review refused to diagnose the root causes of Roethlisberger’s pattern of self-destructive behavior. But frontal lobe brain trauma has long been known to affect mood, judgment, interpersonal relations, foresight and the inhibition that keeps most others from displaying inappropriate social behavior — what’s called “executive function” by neurologists and psychiatrists. People who suffer repeated head injuries often exhibit signs of aggression, childishness, impaired self-control, inappropriate sexual activity and alcohol abuse, according to the National Institutes of Health.” OK, I have a question that the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review might not have explored: Of all the athletes in all sports all over the world who have had concussions, how many do you suppose frequented college bars, bought 19- and 20-year-olds booze and, oh yeah, were accused of sexual assault twice in a year? Shot please!

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5. That ringing in their heads was a concussion, not a police car

Young: 10 concussions, no assaults.

So I’m thinking of  past NFL quarterbacks who had a history of concussions. Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Chris Chandler, Joe Montana, Kurt Warner, Chris Chandler, Chris Miller . . . stop me when you get to someone who was the subject of a near-600-page investigation.

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4. Would the last LPGA star please turn out the lights

This is Natalie Gulbis. I'm not marketing expert but, like, duh.

The photo to the left is of an LPGA golfer, Natalie Gulbis. I’m posting it because I know what kind of degenerates you are — my kind of degenerates — and because I had to write something about the LPGA and this was the only way to get your attention. The women’s tour is losing its biggest star, Lorena Ochoa, who is retiring to start a family, two years after former No. 1 star Annika Sorenstam retired for the same reason. Before you know it, the LPGA is going to start holding tournaments at Mountasia. They’re down to 25 tournaments — only 14 in the U.S. Of course, the biggest problem is that Gulbis is only 71st on the money list this year, winning $11,162 in four tournaments. Not to get all Neanderthal like or anything. But having a Natalie Gulbis Fashion Show or something once in a while might do wonders for the ratings. Just saying.

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3. Maybe they’re worried about computer viruses?

Oh yeah -- he got all of that one.

Golf star caught in the sex scandal of the century? There’s an app for that. Sort of. Cartoonist Daryl Cagle has created a Tiger Woods cartoon application for the iPhone but Apple won’t approve it. That’s kind of funny since the company recently approved an app for editorial cartoons about Barack Obama. So basically, you can lampoon the President of the United States. You just can’t lampoon a golfer. Then again, Obama doesn’t have a Nike deal.

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2. Hall makes promises he can’t keep (but then again he’s in Washington)

DeAngelo Hall has never been one to low key anything.

DeAngelo Hall’s mouth doesn’t have a stop sign. Or even a flashing yellow. You’d think devolving from a Pro Bowl player to pedestrian cornerback would slow down the turbo-lipped wonder. But no. So here we go again: While most believe the 4-12 Washington Redskins will be improved next season, given the arrival of coach Mike Shanahan and quarterback Donovan McNabb, Hall is talking like he’s drunk. He told the Washington Post, “We’ll dominate our division,” which should go over well in Dallas, New York and Philadelphia — and for that matter his own locker room. He also says the team will win 11 or 12 games, reasoning: “It’s based on the talent we feel like we’ve got. It’s based on the improvements I feel like we’ve made. It’s based on the scheme. The scheme alone is gonna give us four or five more wins. The games we lost by two, three points, we’ll win those games, easy.” Yes, we will be revisiting this during the season.

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1. And finally . . .

Last week, we wondered if the 2-0 Hawks had it in them to upset the Orlando Magic in the second round. Now, the Magic are resting. The Hawks are tied, 2-2 ,with the Andrew Bogut-less Milwaukee Bucks. Cape, anyone?

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