Countdown: L.T.’s boozy draft, Ben’s brain, NHL ‘extraction’

The Count's cape didn't start out as a fashion statement.

The Count's cape wasn't meant for fashion.

People ask The Count all the time, “Dude. The Cape. What gives?” Truth is, it goes back to an unfortunate night in Laredo, Texas, back when The Count still shot tequila, and he really had no choice because the Wolfman jumped up on a bar and yelled, “All you bi*****, drink my shots!” And, well, can’t say no to the Wolfman. The rest of that night is a fog. The next thing anybody knew, the cops broke in and busted The Count for buying drinks for underage souls. TMZ showed up with cameras. The Count grabbed his jacket, draped it over his head like a cape as he tried to run out the door. It was all over the tabloids. But the cape look stuck. Anyways, ever wonder how many sports stars today would grab a cape to put over their head if they could? I mean, Lawrence Taylor – now THERE’s a guy who needed a cape. We count down . . .

10. Probably not what Roger Goodell was hoping he’d say

L.T. was alternately one of the NFL’s greatest players of all-time and one of its biggest train wrecks. On the field, offenses had to game-plan for him. Not the other 10 guys on the New York Giants’ defense, just him. Off the field, he numbed his brain like maybe no Hall of Famer in history. Did you see this unfortunate interview? L.T. showed up at the NFL draft with other past greats. And what did he say when asked about his memories of the day he was drafted? Oy. Take a look.

9. How many mistakes can one coach make?

Ralph Wilson doesn't have a lot of good days any more. But Josh McDaniels gave him a good laugh.

Ralph Wilson doesn't have a lot of good days any more. But Josh McDaniels gave him a good laugh.

Denver coach Josh McDaniels might be worse than Lawrence Taylor. Know why? He can’t use 41 Coors Lights as an excuse for what he pulled the first day of the draft. It’s one thing to be the only NFL coach who so firmly believes that Tim Tebow will make it as an NFL quarterback that he is willing to spend a first-round draft pick with a first-round salary to get him. But McDaniels did this even after he: 1) Traded for Chicago quarterback Kyle Orton last year; 2) Traded a player and two draft picks for Brady Quinn last month; 3) presumably was was told that, as a general rule, NFL teams only use one quarterback per play; 4) traded three draft picks to move up to get Tebow when he almost certainly didn’t have to. Yes,  McDaniels was bamboozled by the Buffalo Bills! Who knew that was scientifically possible? He thought the Bills were going to take Tebow. Oops. According to Buffalo owner Ralph Wilson: “Denver panicked. He’s a good player but we had no interest in taking Tebow.” Cape, Josh?

8. Hockey player extracts his own tooth — on the bench

Eric Belanger is a hockey player. He used to play for the Thrashers. By the time you finish watching this 25-second video, he will be your hero. Belanger, who now plays for the Washington Capitals, lost “seven or eight teeth” after being smacked in the face by the stick of Montreal’s Marc-Andre Bergeron. Of course, he stayed in the game. And became an amateur dentist in the process. The Count can’t look. But you can.

7. Signs of the apocalypse: Souvenir sod for the price of . . .

Attention all drunk and giddy New Orleans Saints fans: Would even you spend $99.99 for a piece of the Super Bowl end zone? Seriously?

Attention all drunk and giddy New Orleans Saints fans: Would even you spend $99.99 for a piece of the Super Bowl end zone? Seriously?

The Count would like to put a tape over the entire collectables industry. It probably goes back to when he starred in vampire movies and 47-year-old guys used to ask him to bite their neck, just because it raised the value of their plasma at the blood bank. I mean, whatever happened to the days of just thinking it was cool to have The Count’s puncture wounds? Anyway, here’s the most stupid collectable of all. A company called Stadium Associates is selling sod. That’s right: sod. For $84.95, give or take a lobotomy, you can own a 3-by-3-inch piece of “Game Used Sooner Sod” from the Oklahoma’s field. According to a press release, the grass will be freeze-dried and “beautifully displayed in a UV glass display case and will include a photograph and relevant statistics.” Like, I suppose, the date pre-emergent was applied. I understand autographs. I understand pictures. I understand Miss Hooters International 2007 accidentally rubbing up against you and thinking, “I will never wash this arm again.” But sod? You’re going to buy sod? Stadium Associates must believe there’s a significant geek market because they’re also selling chunks of the field from the Philadelphia Phillies, the BCS title game and the Super Bowl, including a $250 “complete set” that includes chunks of the New Orleans and Indianapolis end zones. For $250, you might be able to re-sod your entire backyard.

6. So it turns out Ben just had a headache?

Here's Ben Roethlisberger when he's either injured or drunk, I can't remember which.

Roethlisberger: Either concussed or drunk, I can't remember which.

Sometimes I would like to put a cape over the media. In possibly the dumbest story I’ve ever read, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review seems intent on trying to draw a connection between a concussion Ben Roethlisberger received in a game last November and the fact the Steelers quarterback is a complete knucklehead, as well as an overgrown drunk frat boy and an accused sex offender. Quoting from the piece: “Medical experts consulted by the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review refused to diagnose the root causes of Roethlisberger’s pattern of self-destructive behavior. But frontal lobe brain trauma has long been known to affect mood, judgment, interpersonal relations, foresight and the inhibition that keeps most others from displaying inappropriate social behavior — what’s called “executive function” by neurologists and psychiatrists. People who suffer repeated head injuries often exhibit signs of aggression, childishness, impaired self-control, inappropriate sexual activity and alcohol abuse, according to the National Institutes of Health.” OK, I have a question that the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review might not have explored: Of all the athletes in all sports all over the world who have had concussions, how many do you suppose frequented college bars, bought 19- and 20-year-olds booze and, oh yeah, were accused of sexual assault twice in a year? Shot please!

5. That ringing in their heads was a concussion, not a police car

Steve Young had at least seven concussions in his career. No assaults.

Young: 10 concussions, no assaults.

So I’m thinking of  past NFL quarterbacks who had a history of concussions. Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Chris Chandler, Joe Montana, Kurt Warner, Chris Chandler, Chris Miller . . . stop me when you get to someone who was the subject of a near-600-page investigation.

4. Would the last LPGA star please turn out the lights

This is Natalie Gulbis. She is a golfer. Or so I hear.

This is Natalie Gulbis. I'm not marketing expert but, like, duh.

The photo to the left is of an LPGA golfer, Natalie Gulbis. I’m posting it because I know what kind of degenerates you are — my kind of degenerates — and because I had to write something about the LPGA and this was the only way to get your attention. The women’s tour is losing its biggest star, Lorena Ochoa, who is retiring to start a family, two years after former No. 1 star Annika Sorenstam retired for the same reason. Before you know it, the LPGA is going to start holding tournaments at Mountasia. They’re down to 25 tournaments — only 14 in the U.S. Of course, the biggest problem is that Gulbis is only 71st on the money list this year, winning $11,162 in four tournaments. Not to get all Neanderthal like or anything. But having a Natalie Gulbis Fashion Show or something once in a while might do wonders for the ratings. Just saying.

3. Maybe they’re worried about computer viruses?

Oh yeah -- he got all of that one. (Thank you, tip your waitress.)

Oh yeah -- he got all of that one.

Golf star caught in the sex scandal of the century? There’s an app for that. Sort of. Cartoonist Daryl Cagle has created a Tiger Woods cartoon application for the iPhone but Apple won’t approve it. That’s kind of funny since the company recently approved an app for editorial cartoons about Barack Obama. So basically, you can lampoon the President of the United States. You just can’t lampoon a golfer. Then again, Obama doesn’t have a Nike deal.

2. Hall makes promises he can’t keep (but then again he’s in Washington)

DeAngelo Hall has never been one to low key anything.

DeAngelo Hall has never been one to low key anything.

DeAngelo Hall’s mouth doesn’t have a stop sign. Or even a flashing yellow. You’d think devolving from a Pro Bowl player to pedestrian cornerback would slow down the turbo-lipped wonder. But no. So here we go again: While most believe the 4-12 Washington Redskins will be improved next season, given the arrival of coach Mike Shanahan and quarterback Donovan McNabb, Hall is talking like he’s drunk. He told the Washington Post, “We’ll dominate our division,” which should go over well in Dallas, New York and Philadelphia — and for that matter his own locker room. He also says the team will win 11 or 12 games, reasoning: “It’s based on the talent we feel like we’ve got. It’s based on the improvements I feel like we’ve made. It’s based on the scheme. The scheme alone is gonna give us four or five more wins. The games we lost by two, three points, we’ll win those games, easy.” Yes, we will be revisiting this during the season.

1. And finally . . .

Last week, we wondered if the 2-0 Hawks had it in them to upset the Orlando Magic in the second round. Now, the Magic are resting. The Hawks are tied, 2-2 ,with the Andrew Bogut-less Milwaukee Bucks. Cape, anyone?

Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and on Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

62 comments Add your comment

Benjamin

April 27th, 2010
3:33 am

First, because I suffer from insomnia. Great, great piece. I was laughing most of the way, though admittedly I couldn’t watch the Belanger video…

theriddler

April 27th, 2010
3:35 am

Good Stuff…Are you sure Obama doesn’t have a Nike deal?

ugainuvacountry

April 27th, 2010
3:40 am

ugainuvacountry

April 27th, 2010
3:41 am

dang…..5 minutes late….good job benjamin….insomnia stinks and so does that belanger video….man that hurts to watch, much less do!!!!!!

P. Bull Terrier

April 27th, 2010
3:44 am

Don’t laugh, but Big Ben’s head injury could be partially responsible for his recent behavior. After suffering a similar injury, I expreienced some of the same symptoms described in the article, particularly aggression and the sex drive of a teenager. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I’m not a teenager or a good looking, multi-millionaire, pro football player, so I didn’t get in any trouble before things cleared up and I became my normal, boring self.

Not one of your better efforts, Jeff...

April 27th, 2010
6:24 am

…I guess that is what writing at 2am will do to you – but you did finish strong…

Required Reading | Hard Knox Sports

April 27th, 2010
7:12 am

[...] The return of Schultz’s countdown [AJC] [...]

Southside

April 27th, 2010
7:24 am

The Count evidently slept thru the last Diversity Training at the AJC. We duffers accept the LPGA as equals(except for the 200 lbs bulls) whenever we are in the same bar doing shooters. Natalie would be welcome in our threesome( rather our foursome) anytime. I wonder if she is on Tigers speed dial?

Leaving Alabamer'

April 27th, 2010
7:25 am

Hate to say it — D Hall might be right.

Real American

April 27th, 2010
7:37 am

Yeah…its the “concussion”….for a golden boy, its GOT to be the concussion! That really was the dumbest article to come out of this whole thing, the Pitt Tribune-Review might as well have Bigfoot sightings in their headlines.

Walker, Texas Ranger

April 27th, 2010
7:53 am

iPhone probably wants to get an ad deal with Tiger….by the way, change the dress code for LPGA, allow shirts that are cut off. Require certain golfers to get oiled up. Good work, keep trying to find photos like this of LPGA stars. Only Jeff and the Count can save the LPGA

SimpleDawg

April 27th, 2010
8:21 am

L.T. downed all 41 beers….cans and all.

Lil’ Josh and Saint Timothy……this movie will have a short run….don’t buy the big popcorn.

Souvenir Sod….brings a whole new juxtaposition to buying grass and dope.

Natalie Gulbis…..butter face…..everything looks great, but her face. And people made fun of Anna Kournikova.

Laughing at Meangelo Gall for shooting off his mouth and making ridiculous statements…..is like making fun of special ed students…..it’s in bad taste. He’s afflicted with idiot genes.

The Hawks…..a combination of Gulbis and Hall.

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
8:21 am

Thanks Benjamin.

Pi$$onaDAWG

April 27th, 2010
8:21 am

Now that is a LPGA player I would like to see in the RUFF!

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
8:21 am

The Riddler — Pressure sure he’s with Adidas.

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
8:22 am

P. Bull Terrier — Funny how that works.

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
8:22 am

Real American — Now wait a minute. You don’t believe in Big Foot?

Dr Obvious

April 27th, 2010
8:24 am

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review story told its readers why the NFL ordered Roethlisberger to undergo neuropsychological testing.

It’s the NFL that believes in disciplinary cases that medical professionals must rule out head trauma as a cause of the behavior.

If that’s the “stupidest” story you’ve ever read, perhaps you need to consider the medical literature on the subject, the League motivations in mandating a clinical evaluation of Roethlisberger and the problems the Steelers as a franchise encountered over the years with brain trauma casualties.

Unfortunately, your blog perpetuates a very poor understanding of the medical issues and devolves into the lowest form of criticism. You don’t seem to understand the underlying issues. While I doubt the author of the article is a medical professional, he seems to have sought out several of the best minds on the subject nationwide.

If they don’t think it’s a stupid story, why do you?

Gravy Train

April 27th, 2010
8:24 am

Jeff, there was a similar brain injury association with former pro-wrestler Chris Benoit. Instead of unwanted drunken aggresive fornication, Benoit wiped out his family and offed himself. It was explained, after his autopsy, that Benoit’s frontal lobe was corroded and deformed by many years of landing flying head-butts. Ironically, the brain damage is alleged to be a contributing factor in Benoit’s final rampage, not the massive amounts of steroids, alcohol and tranquilizers found in his system.
It’s amazing that there is always a medical excuse for the lack of restraint and accountability displayed by many people today.

Gravy Train

April 27th, 2010
8:28 am

Maybe Sonny Perdue has been hit in the head one too many times as well?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

April 27th, 2010
8:30 am

Great Stuff JS- Count is in full swing now. DHall is still the Mouth of the South (DC still counts as the South, right,??)- cannot wait for some guy to knock him on his keister. Tebow drafted?? Only time will tell, but it must be nice to be Timmy right now..getting paid millions to hold a clipboard for the next 2 to 3 years. Although being a UGA fan, i am looking forward to a Knowshown/Tebow led offense. Should be interesting.

SimpleDawg

April 27th, 2010
8:32 am

Big Ben’s problem is that he listens to Lil’ Ben too much.

Why he listens to him too often may be debated as a psychological or physiological issue.

Just who is the pilot here?

bubba in fl

April 27th, 2010
8:49 am

According to the Pittsburgh paper’s theory, Tiger must have hit himself in the head several times on his back swing.

OldDog

April 27th, 2010
9:07 am

Oy vey LT!!!!!!!!!

D-Man

April 27th, 2010
9:21 am

Regarding the Tiger Woods cartoon, the hole is misplaced. It needs to be located a bit further south. Ah, the true meaning of “hole in one”.

Worm

April 27th, 2010
9:26 am

Jeff, You DO know know Big Ben used to date Gulbis, right?

Gravy Brain

April 27th, 2010
9:29 am

Maybe I’ve been in the head too many times as well. . .

Tiger Woods

April 27th, 2010
9:32 am

That’s not funny Bubba. You will hear from my team of lawyers.

Nick

April 27th, 2010
9:43 am

Wouldn’t Will Ferrell make a great Ben Roethlisberger ?? Maybe the Steelers can get him to fill in while Big Ben is on suspension?

C tha 1

April 27th, 2010
9:47 am

Nobody parties like L.T. Nobody!

Thirty Points To Your Twenty-Four Points

April 27th, 2010
9:55 am

Hey Jeff, can you do a countdown on the UGA incarcerations? I have lost count myself.

{{{{{30-24}}}}}
8-1
60-39-5

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
10:06 am

Dr. Obvious — I repeat: Did any of the QBs I mentioned have a problem. You don’t need a medical degree to know that B.R. had long had a reputation as obnoxious, immature, rude, etc., long before this — even in his own locker room. Head trauma did not cause this.

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
10:07 am

Gravy Train — Well said.

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
10:08 am

Dr. Ken — Thanks.

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
10:08 am

Worm — Don’t tell me that.

Jeff Schultz

April 27th, 2010
10:09 am

Thirty Points — Come on, it’s just a walk-on (walk-off) punter.

Supes

April 27th, 2010
10:17 am

Jeff, if MeAngelo didn’t talk “smack”…nobody would still know he was in the NFL. The guy hasn’t made an important defensive play in years…and we all know he’s afraid of Coach Mike Smith!

Ted Striker

April 27th, 2010
10:21 am

“It’s based on the scheme. The scheme alone is gonna give us four or five more wins.” DeAngelo Hall, on why the team will win many more games

“Every game, you will have a decided schematic advantage.”Charlie Weis, to Notre Dame players, on why the team will win many more games

Who knew Hall and Weis had so much in common? (Although D. Hall’s coverage skills are looking more and more like Charlie Weis’ with every season that passes.)

Ben Roethlisberger

April 27th, 2010
10:40 am

DUHHHHHHHHHHH

I LIKE SEX!!!

RAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[...] ♦ TUESDAY COUNTDOWN: L.T.’s boozy draft, Ben’s brain, NHL ‘extraction’ [...]

TommyJack

April 27th, 2010
11:06 am

Dr. Obvious: You’ve just been beech slapped.

asheville dawg

April 27th, 2010
11:12 am

OK you got me look at something LPGA. If she played golf in that outfit i might even watch.

Ben Roethlisberger

April 27th, 2010
11:24 am

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

BEN LIKE GOLF WOMAN!!! BEN WILL TAKE CLUB TO HER HEAD AND DRAG HER HOME!!!

RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

npgator

April 27th, 2010
11:40 am

Claiming FIRST is like saying – Hello I am a tube steak.

ADL

April 27th, 2010
11:49 am

Something tells me Jeff Schultz and Cynthia Tucker bumped heads quite a few times…

Matt the Brave

April 27th, 2010
11:50 am

The only reason that Apple is allowing the app to make fun of POTUS, it shows how ‘balanced’ they are. Sure.

Mike A.

April 27th, 2010
12:27 pm

First, I want to say that I have no interest in leaving my present position until my work is done in Athens. Secondly, anyone at the NCAA who thinks I’m soft on athletes’ discipline, just look at my record in the last week.

Pi$$onaDAWG

April 27th, 2010
1:25 pm

Damn I can’t even play 9 holes. My wrist hurts too bad to use my putter after that Pic.

F-105 Thunderchief

April 27th, 2010
1:47 pm

Are the Falcons playing the ‘Skins again? I’d love to see Smitty take DeAhole’s head off.

ugaalum2004

April 27th, 2010
3:00 pm

Oh MeAngelo,

The Skins might be 8-8 or 9-7 this year, but that scheme won’t conceal a lack of talent in key positions. The NFC East is never a cake walk. The Cowboys are the Beasts of the East until someone takes that crown from them.