Countdown’s trouble spots: Milledgeville and Remerton?

The Count didn't club with Mr. Haney.

Back in the day, The Count could swing. Oohhh, yeahhh. New York. L.A. Miami Beach. Milledgeville. Wait. Milledgeville? Remerton? Has Buckhead slid that far off the radar? See, that’s the problem today. People used to go to cowtowns to escape their problems. Now, Green Acres really is the place to be! (Kids, ask your parents.) Ben Roethlisberger can’t stay sober in Milledgeville, or anywhere close to the right end of the evolutionary scale. Zach Mettenberger — soon-to-be formerly of Georgia — found a way to get into trouble in Remerton, which is surrounded by Valdosta, which is surrounded by nothingness. Mettenberger found so much trouble in Remerton that Mark Richt kicked him off the football team. The problem when things like this happen is the nation’s media, and sub-media, descend on these outposts and make the locals look like yahoos. Which sometimes isn’t difficult. Take Richard Bentley. He sells insurance in Milledgeville. He’s also the mayor. He spoke to TMZ. Oops. Hello, we are back. And we count down . . .

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10. The Mayor Of Milledgeville Said What???

So I went to TMZ.com, which has become an unfortunate habit of mine that I can’t break, much like picking bellybutton lint, and I found this screaming headline: “Mayor: Big Ben Case is Great for Tourism!” The item reads, in part: “[Bentley] told us he hopes the incident will draw new visitors to the college town, saying, ‘Anything that can draw interest to our town and make people want to visit, we would like.’” And this: “The mayor acknowledged the unfortunate circumstances of his town’s new found fame, but added ‘If it peaks [sic] people’s interest about our city, we would certainly welcome them here.’” The Count hates this. Now he has to be a journalist and stuff. Ugh. Where’s my phone?

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9. You one of them big city reporters?

This is the mayor of Milledgeville. He'll talk health, life, homeowners, but not TMZ.

Yes, The Count called the City of Milledgeville. It rings to a payphone in the General Store. (Thank you. I’m here all week.) A guy answers. I asked to speak to the spokesperson for the mayor. The guy says, and I’m not making this up: “He’s his own spokesperson. Here’s his number.” It turns out to be a number for the Wilkinson Insurance Agency. Did you know they can insure you for everything except the media? Somebody puts me through to Bentley (probably the next desk over). He seems like a nice enough guy. “I hadn’t really heard of TMZ,” he says. “Have you?” And then he asks me what I think of them. “Well, they’ve pretty much kicked everybody’s butt on Tiger Woods, so I guess I’m kind of split on them,” I say. There’s a slight pause on the phone. Then the mayor says, “Yeah, I can see your point.” I think I like this guy. But about those quotes:  He wouldn’t say much, but he was eager to email me a press release, which said: “The posted headline and brief article not only falsely indicated that I made such a statement, but it took the statements that I did make completely out of context.” Follow up question: So what exactly was it that you said? Answer: “I’d rather not say anything else beyond the press release.” By the way, TMZ stands behind its version of the truth. On a related note, Mr. Haney was seen stumbling out of the “Velvet Elvis,” this week, after shouting, “Drink my shots, bi*****!”

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8. As we wait for the hammer to come down …

When these two go out, which one is the wing man?

Expect Roethlisberger to get suspended. The Count guesses: six games that can be reduced to two if he’s a good boy and probably grovels a lot. But Big Butthead already has suffered a crushing blow: PLB Sports, “Your Premier Source For Athlete Endorsed Quality Food Products,” has taken, “Big Ben’s Beef Jerky” off the shelves. Don’t know why. Seems to me “Jerky” has taken on a whole new context now and the product might be more marketable than ever. For what it’s worth: This company has some of the strangest products on the market, including: “[Dustin] Pedroia’s Premium Salsa”; “[Ed]McCaffrey’s Rocky Mountain Mustard” and Terrell Owens’ “T.O.’s Cereral.” Not sure what the beef jerky catastrophe will do to PLB’s stock price.

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7. Economy, unemployment, education . . . Skoal?

OK. So Lenny Dykstra was a pig. But I still can't back Congress on this one.

The Count doesn’t dip. The Count thinks smokeless tobacco is the dumbest habit on earth, even dumber than smoking because at least smokers don’t feel the need to drool every seven seconds. The government considered banning smokeless tobacco in the past. But it feared half the residents of West Virginia might get bored move to another state to look for another hobby. So it was kept legal. But now this: The U.S. Congress is pressuring baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. OK, I got the whole steroids thing. But that involved illegal prescription drugs, lying doctors, underground networks and, oh yeah, 16-year-olds having their hearts blow up. But Skoal? Seriously? Congress wants baseball to ban Skoal?

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6. Clearly we don’t have enough problems

Can somebody find something for our Congress to do? History wasn’t my best subject. But if there was a chapter in which our Founding Fathers said, “We shall form a group of lawmakers, who will be voted into office, so that they may pass laws to help prevent gum disease among leadoff hitters,” I missed it. Ban smokeless tobacco? How about coffee? Pringles? Raspberry Zingers? None of those are good for you, either, and they’re all available over-the-counter. Said California Congressman Henry Waxman: “We don’t let baseball players go stand out there in the field and drink beer. Major League Baseball won’t allow them to step on the field and smoke cigarettes. So why should they be out there on the field — in sight of all their fans on television and at the ballpark — using smokeless tobacco?” Dude, it’s kind of hard to play while holding a beer. I know. I’ve tried. And if you were really serious about things like alcohol consumption, let’s see you push baseball to ban beer ads and sales. What’s that? Is that crickets I hear?

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5. It looks like somebody’s not going away

A tearful James after she had her heart broken (yeah), flanked by Cruella de Allred.

Remember back when alleged Tiger mistress Joslyn James danced (go with it) at the Pink Pony strip club the same week as the Masters in Augusta? Well, turns out this may be a trend for the porn actress. After Woods announced he would play his next tournament at the Quail Hollow championship in Charlotte next week, James announced she would be disrobing at the “Uptown Cabaret” downtown. I’m not sure how long James plans on following Woods. But at some point, she’s going to need more Play-Doh and flotation devices to hold herself together on the PGA Tour. The good news: Assuming Woods is in the British Open, there would be a certain symmetry to him playing, “The Old Course.”

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4. Come forth, Joshua, come forth

Three years into his Georgia Tech career, quarterback Josh Nesbitt says he now wants to be known as Joshua. I believe the original Josh made the same request just before Moses handed off to him. So what the heck.

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3. Maybe if Earnhardt just drove to the Oyster Shack

This was Anna Kournikova just before she walked onto the court at Wimbledon.

Several weeks ago, I took some shots at possibly the most overpaid and underachieving athlete in sports today, Dale Earnhardt Jr., who managed to win the pole position for the Kobalt Tools 500 at Atlanta Motor Speedway but not then lead the race for even one lap. Well, in the interest of fairness (The Count is giving balance) a shot this week, we have this update: After failing to lead a lap for six straight Sprint Cup races, Earnhardt actually led for 46 laps this past weekend at Texas Motor Speedway (and, no, it wasn’t qualifying). Of course, he only finished eighth, which doesn’t quite seem commensurate with his $30 million annual earnings  (salary, purses, endorsements, licensing fees). And to think: We made Anna Kournikova jokes. But fear not: I searched high and low for a driver less productive than Earnhardt, and I think I found one. Say hello to “Steve”:

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2.  LPGA player takes on that ‘reputation’ of tour players

Abbott and Costello: That's Christina Kim on the left, with Michelle Wie.

Christina Kim, an LPGA player, has written a book called, “Swinging From My Heels.” OK, get your mind out of the sand trap. Among the topics she addresses is the LPGA’s reputation of being comprised predominately of lesbian players. An excerpt:

“Contrary to what many people think, we are not the Lesbians Playing Golf Association. By my count there are no more than two dozen gay women playing the tour right now. Considering there are 230 active members, you’re only talking about 10 percent of the players, which from everything I’ve read is in line with the population as a whole. I understand that thanks to Howard Stern and Internet porn many guys are keenly interested in girl-on-girl action, but to every player I know the issue is just not that big a deal. There are no super-freaky homophobes out here or militant man-haters. “

I just have one question. How does Kim know there’s only “two dozen gay women on tour”? Did she conduct a survey?

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1. Downtown Atlanta: The quiet part of Georgia.

The Count is off  to the Hawks game tonight. Shouldn’t be hard to stay out of trouble. It’s only Fulton County.

EARLIER TODAY

♦ You’re on the clock with the Falcons (and why not Thomas)?

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