Masters Digi-Blog II: In search of squirrels

AUGUSTA — Here at Digi-Blog, Inc., we have taken you behind the scenes of everything from SEC media days to the new Cowboys Stadium to the charm (kidding) of Stillwater, Okla. (see links below). This week, we went in search of Tiger Woods Sunday — and found him!

But you know what we couldn’t find at Augusta National? A squirrel. Seriously. I don’t know how many trees and bushes and nuts and stuff there are in this place. But nobody can find a squirrel. We’ve noticed this in past years also. Join us on our search, as we look for one of nature’s little fellas. (The three on the left were photographed outside of a package store in Grovetown. They wouldn’t comment. Former AJC columnist Dave Kindred is attending his 43rd Masters and says he never has seen a squirrel. “Then again, I’ve never seen a kangaroo, either,” he said. “But, yeah, with a million trees, you would think you would see one squirrel.” And here’s another thing: They sell almost EVERYTHING in the gift shop. So why can’t I buy a simple green blazer? Walk with me.

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See that bank of trees on the left of the first fairway? I climbed six of them. No squirrels up there. Found Martha Burk, though.

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None down here, either. (By the way: Does your pine straw look this nice?)

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I have a theory they might be back here at the Augusta National Squirrel Detention Center. Strange and horrible sounds were coming from the direction of that home behind the trees. But when I took one step in that direction, this security dude started to reach for something.

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Sorry. If squirrels aren’t in this tree, they just don’t exist here. I finally asked a member of grounds crew. “They’re rare. They’re very rare,” said one staff member. “Actually, it’s funny you ask that because we talk about that sometimes.” But have you seen one? “I think I have.” But when? “Actually, I can’t remember.” But you’re not chasing them off? “Not at all. Maybe they don’t want to come out because of all of the people. But you wouldn’t think they’re all sitting around, thinking, ‘Hey, let’s pack up our suitcases and get out of here. It’s Masters week’ — just like everybody else who lives here.”

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This is inside the Masters gift shop. No squirrels here, either. But they do sell every hat imaginable.

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Also every conceivable shirt.

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Also a $15 glasses case for my $6 sunglasses. But there are two things they don’t sell: Stuff squirrels or green jackets. Can you imagine how big the green jacket concession would be here? “They’re sold here,” said Kris Hardy, 50, who has worked at the store since age 14. “But they’re only sold to a select group.” Right. That membership thing.

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Sure. She’s laughing now. Just wait until she tries to become a member.

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One cool thing about the Masters is the unbelievably reasonable food prices. One staple of the menu is the pimento cheese sandwich. The reason is Clifford Roberts ordered that 40 pimento cheese sandwiches be made back in 1934, and they still have 23 left. There’s also a theory that pimento cheese is a squirrel repellent.

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I asked a worker (not this one — so please don’t fire her, Billy) if people really purchase beer at 8 a.m. This is the answer I got: “Eight? Some are buying it at 7:15. But those are usually the people who are still drunk from the night before.”

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This is where the beautiful people dine. In many cases, there is an overlap between the beautiful people and the lingering drunks who buy beer at 7:15 a.m.

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Wow, phone booths. The Masters really is old school. Just pick up a phone and Mabel will connect you.

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And they say golf fans aren’t tough.

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This looks just like where the AJC is staying.

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This scoreboard is a popular picture spot. Maybe they can put up one of those wooden picture stands with the heads cut out.

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“In South Africa, we treat all of our squirrels equally and with dignity,” said Gary Player. Kidding.

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Follow me on Twitter @JeffSchultzAJC and on Facebook.com/JeffSchultzAJC

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Want to catch up on past Digi-Blogs? Click here

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