Countdown: Holyfield KOs Dr. Phil, and that Tiger gal can act!

The Count has saved a lot of money on roses.

The Count: "One quack, two..."

The Count has trust issues. It probably goes back to when he was a kid in 15th century Romania and he used to drink a lot of Bosco, except once a month during a full moon, when he suddenly and inexplicably craved plasma and his mother kept saying, “Don’t worry, Skyler.” (And this explains why he always preferred to go by, “Count.”) “It’s very normal to want to down a few quarts of Type A or B plasma once a month. Now go fetch mommy two eyes of newt and a lizard tail from Target.” Any way, when The Count heard this story about Evander Holyfield planning to go on the Dr. Phil show to fix his marriage, he didn’t trust it. So ordered his research staff to do something that nobody in the media had actually done yet: Talk to Evander Holyfield! And guess what we found out? That Dr. Phil thing? It ain’t happening. Something about not trusting the quack doc’s motives. Nooo. Really? It’s We Don’t Trust Nobody Week, as we count down . . .

10. Holyfield denies allegations, except that Dr. Phil is an idiot

Evander Holyfield has had some problems of late, but he's not about to go on the Gong Show to talk about them.

Evander Holyfield has had some problems of late, but he's not about to go on the Gong Show to talk about them.

Let’s start with this: About all of those allegations reported by Radaronline – insert schlock website joke here — including that Holyfield hit his wife “in the face, the back of her head, and on her back,” the former heavyweight champion said this: “The only thing I can say is it all wasn’t true, and I’ll leave it at that.” Holyfield also said by phone that he and his wife, Candi, are still together. Also, “A lot of the things that they said she said, she told me she never said.” (If you read that twice, it actually makes sense.) When people write things, for whatever reason, they feel they need to exaggerate the facts. … I loved my momma and I would never abuse a person. But for some reason, when there’s a story, people always want to throw me under the bus, like I’m the worst person in the world. I would never do those things.” And let’s just leave it at that for now because  there has been no legal action or charges, not even so much as a police report. But as long as we got Holyfield on the phone and he was in a talkative mood . . .

9.  “No, that’s not what you think, this is what you think . . .”

Pilfered this from the blogsite, Streetknowledge, hoping they won't mind sharing their brilliance here.

Pilfered this from the blogsite, Streetknowledge, hoping they won't mind sharing their brilliance here.

Yes, he is having some issues with his third marriage. Yes, he was considering going on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss the problems, and he’s not even sure how it was that show officials contacted him. But he met with [not medical doctor] Phil McGraw and soon decided against it. “People kept telling me not to go on the show,” Holyfield said. “I was thinking, if people are going to say all of these things about me, maybe I should go on and tell everybody what really happened, that all of the things that were being said weren’t true. But friends were telling me, ‘They’re just trying to build their show,’ and I had nothing to gain. People were telling me, ‘Your reputation speaks for itself. People who know you know you wouldn’t do those things.’ But I went out and I met [McGraw] at his house and I told him who I was. I told him I was a Christian and what I believed in and who I was and when I was finished he said, ‘Evander, you’re long-winded.’ And I said, ‘Well, if you’re going to comment on a situation, you have to know the whole situation.’” Holyfield eventually was put off to the point that he and Candi walked out. And that was the smartest decision he could have made. There goes sweeps weeks.

8. How do you make Britney Spears look like the smart one?

In this case, I think a gossip rag got it right.

In this case, I think a gossip rag got it right.

I told Holyfield when I first heard he was considering going on TV to discuss his marriage that I figured he must’ve been desperate for attention since he can’t get a decent pay day any more. He laughed. For the record, he has a fight scheduled for April in Las Vegas. It’s bad enough that he’s still trying to fight. But Dr. Phil would’ve turned him into a cartoon. This is the same clown who posted $3,300 bond to bail out the ringleader of eight teenagers who beat a cheerleader senseless in Florida in 2008. The show was canceled because of criticism. And it was Dr. Quackenbush who crashed a Los Angeles hospital where Britney Spears was staying post-breakdown — actually while she was packing to check out — busted in to talk to her, pretty much was blown off by all parties concerned and then released a statement (to E.T., of course) reading: “My meeting with Britney leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention.” He  later had to issue an apology. How bad is it when you make Britney Spears look like the more respected party? The FTC also was investigating the claims of his weight-loss products until he pulled them off the market. OK, that’s enough. It’s not funny anymore. Oh look, Tiger news . . .

7.Yes. Yes! YESSSS! (Can she act or what?)

klutePorn actress Joslyn James has starred in many movies. Who can forget the classic, “Seymore Butts.” (Cute.) As such, I’m sure she has no problem getting into character. Yes, the best actresses know how to come across with seemingly genuine feelings when, in fact, they’re faking it. (Wait. Did I say that?) One of The Count’s all-time favorite movies is, “Klute,” when a young Jane Fonda played a female “independent contractor” and Donald Sutherland a cop trying to catch a killer. Any way, long story short, there’s a very “romantic” scene during which Jane looks at her watch, I think because her lunch break was coming up or something. Classic. So I thought of that scene when Joslyn James, a.k.a. Veronica Siwik-Daniels, held a tearful news conference after Tiger Woods’ press conference — and she answered questions! — to announce how upset she was that Tiger did not apologize to her directly for their affairs. She also said she gave up her porn career for him! Interesting because the internet movie database (IMDB) indicates she was fairly active in 2009. Also love the fact she says Tiger twice impregnated her, which must be true, because, well, she wasn’t cheating on him. Except during work. OK, enough. Here’s a clip of the news conference. In case you’re wondering, that’s Gloria Allred, obliterating any trace of credibility she may have had left, sitting next to the porn queen.


The porn star (left) and the prostitute (right)

6. Garnett found! We have been Tweeted from Russia!

michael-garnett-of-hk-mvd-waits-for-puck-20

Former Thrashers goalie Michael Garnett reached out to The Count from Russia via Twitter.

The Count has never trusted Don Waddell’s draft record. After the Thrashers traded former No. 1 pick Kari Lehtonen to Dallas two weeks ago for a $2 off Papa John’s coupon,  we ran down the list of Waddell’s first two picks in each draft year since 1999. One of the those players mentioned was goalie Michael Garnett, a third-round pick in 2001, who is now playing in Russia. Well guess what? Garnett saw the item. He sent me a funny note on Twitter from Balashikha, Russia, reading: “2line summary of my hockey career is great. I’m assuming it’s a jab at Don Waddell and not me.” And I assured him it was. In follow-up messages, Garnett said he is in his third year in Russia’s KHL. He made the All-Star Game. His contract is up this season and he hopes to return to the NHL. He also sent along a clip of a Hockey News story on him, which included this anecdote: His team, MDV Balashikha, is sponsored by the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs. That comes with a perk: Garnett was given a badge usually reserved for the police that allows him to be waved thr0ugh whenever his car is stopped by police for a random check.

5. Goodell still under $10 million, hopes to avoid homelessness

When NFL executives go bankrupt, it will look lsomething ike this.

When NFL executives go bankrupt, it will look like this.

The Count believes Roger Goodell has done a fine job as NFL commissioner. He just doesn’t trust him. Goodell and his NFL lieutenants (read: owners) continue to spread stories of financial hardship. Poor Roger is going to great lengths to show there’s just not much money left in the coffers. That’s why he’s agreed to not take an increase in his base pay in his new five-year contract. Wow. Major concession there. What next? Cut back from filet mignon to rib eye? Let me illustrate the lack of significance in Goodell’s grand gesture: In the NFL fiscal year that ended March 31, 2009, the commissioner earned $2.9 million in base pay and just under another $7 million in bonuses, deferred income and other compensation. Several top NFL executives, whose salaries are being made public because of new IRS laws, also are in seven figures. That includes former Falcons executive Ray Anderson ($1.12 million), the league’s executive VP of operations. There’s nothing wrong with that. Why? Because the league makes a lot of money. That’s just the point. I’m sure the players’ union is taking notes.

4. The Falcon and the Airport GM

On Her Majesty's Secret Service: Starring Ben DeCosta.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service: Starring Ben DeCosta.

The Count doesn’t need to go to the airport to fly, because, like, duh. But after reading that Hartsfield general manager Ben DeCosta left a “spy pen” that actually was a recording device on the table during high-level negotiations with Delta, we believe he would have a fine future in the NFL. Also, I’m just wondering how  airport executives are so advanced that they have super spy recording pens but security is so antiquated that four ounces of toothpaste (one over the limit) is considered a threat to national security? On a related note, how big of a loser do you have to be to look like the bad guy in negotiations with a company that gives you a dirty look when you ask for a second bag of peanuts?

3. Is that a bronze medal around your waist or . . . ?

This medal didn't stay around Scotty Lago's neck for long.

The medal didn't stay around Scotty Lago's neck.

So in case you’re wondering how sports like snowboarding half-pipe get into the Olympics, it’s because the USOC suggests them as a medal sport to the IOC so that we, as Americans, can win more medals, since pretty much stink at bobsled and stuff. But why does the USOC act surprised when a winner from the skateboard generation lacks Olympic decorum?  Scott Lago is just your typical snowboard dude from New Hampshire. He won a bronze medal the other day. Rather than just hang it around his neck like everybody else, he draped it around his waist, so that the medal — OK, you get the idea. Anyway, a female fan kissed the medal. And people took pictures. And the next thing you knew, there were pictures on Facebook and TMZ.com of a U.S. Olympic medal winner getting kissed in the southern regions. Imagine if he had won gold. The latest news: The USOC told Lago he could leave Vancouver on his own or get kicked out, which isn’t really a choice. So he left. But a question to the USOC: When you added snowboarding, did you believe you were tapping into the Emily Post of athletes?

2. If Nick Saban ever decides to leave Alabama and you wonder why . . .

His name is Joe Cutcher. So far as I know, he's not on Facebook.

I don't think Joe Cutcher is on Facebook.

Are you like The Count? Do you still not trust driving over the Alabama border at times? I know this offseason has been difficult for Georgia fans, what with what happened last season and then Alabama winning the national championship. So I figure you’re owed a little sunshine during this down time between national signing day and spring football. This creature, Joe Crutcher, believed to be male, and 4-foot-2 according to the backdrop, was arrested for forgery last week in Prattville, Ala. Come on. When you hear, “Roll Tide,” don’t you think this guy? Not sure if he’ll be out in time for the Nick Saban statue unveiling or not. (Thanks to Sports By Brooks, via Friends of the Program, Busted Coverage and all others with a warped sense of humor, which pretty much covers The Count’s bookmarks.)

1. And finally …

Yeah, yeah. First choice. Love Detroit. Blahblahblah.

Yeah, yeah. First choice. Love Detroit. Blahblahblah. (AP photo).

Johnny Damon arrived in the Detroit Tigers’ spring training headquarters in Lakeland, Fla., and proclaimed, “This is where I wanted to be. The Tigers were my first choice.” Of course. Oy. And I’m sure the fact Detroit’s $8 million offer nearly doubled the Braves’ offer had very little to do with that. Never trusted him.

77 comments Add your comment

UGA75

February 23rd, 2010
1:17 am

Wow, Damon and Hollyfield sharing a column

UGA75

February 23rd, 2010
1:19 am

Oh Boy my first 1st, I knew the strange hours would pay off eventually. Sorry about the extra l in Holyfield.

Melissa

February 23rd, 2010
1:29 am

I think, truly, this is the most urgent and pressing news available on ajc.com. Thank you, Mr. Schultz, for being the ray of sunshine — and the most valuable source of pertinent information online! ;) In all seriousness, your writing always makes me laugh.

Reid Adair

February 23rd, 2010
2:10 am

Dr. Phil is an absolute joke. I wish Evander Holyfield would have agreed to do the show, and when Dr. Phil started babbling, Evander would have just stood up and punched him in the face. THAT would be great ratings.

And Gloria Allred? Seriously? How many of Tiger Woods’ alleged affairs can she represent? Is this two – or three – now?

Conyers Truster

February 23rd, 2010
4:08 am

Count: I respect your right not to trust anyone this week (or for whatever time you deem necessary).
This being the case, were there others you may have wanted to add to your list but did not due to space or time limitations?

New Stepmom

February 23rd, 2010
5:03 am

#2. Best visual I have seen to sum up the phrase “I am wearing this T-Shirt because I went to Auburn. You are wearing that T-shirt because you went to WalMart.” SCARY!

Appalachian-American

February 23rd, 2010
5:47 am

Count it is time for your meds NOW. Are there people in Vegas who will shell out video poker money to see Holyfield shuffle around?
Ben DeCosta will now be given a full body search by a TSA goon before any more meetings with Delta bigwigs. I have some cousins who went to roll tide Booksellers University and I think Joe was one of their frat brothers.

DamYankee

February 23rd, 2010
6:42 am

So you never trusted Damon yet you spent two weeks telling us all that the Braves just couldn’t live without him?

This Just In

February 23rd, 2010
7:18 am

In Breaking News, the IOC has approved a new sport at the summer games – highway underpass graffiti…here’s the blurb from the press conference:

“In keeping with the olympic spirit, and the results of our focus groups of Generation Y’s and sponsors offering ad money if we can hook the Gen Why’ers, highway underpass graffiti will be a medal sport in the summer games. We will also have railway boxcar graffiti as a demonstration sport. We applaud the success of our snowboard dude movement, and we are considering adding sufer dude as a demonstration sport in the summer games, as well as bowling.”

Nance

February 23rd, 2010
7:20 am

If Veronica is looking for some comfort, well, here I am. My wife won’t care, so she won’t have to apologize for causing her any pain.

F-105 Thunderchief

February 23rd, 2010
7:23 am

Alabama is a wonderful state. But, if you’ve ever been to the “cross house” near Prattville, you would not be surprised to see Joe, or any number of similar denizens around that area. Drive right on through.

SimpleDawg

February 23rd, 2010
7:44 am

Was Cheatah ( Tiger ) Woods banging this Allred wench, also? She seems to be always around “the scene of the crime”…..maybe she’s a former “friend”.

Maybe “Dr.” Phil can counsel Joslyn James…..phony emotions need a phony shrink to sort them out.

NFL…..Notorious Financial Leeches.

Dr. Feel

February 23rd, 2010
7:47 am

Evander Holyfield is nothing but a MAN-WHORE. How many illegitimate children does he have? How many did he father while being married to one of his multiple wives? If he was a janitor at WalMart no one would give 2 cents about him or how many little bastardos he produced. He runs off at the mouth with “I am a Christian and a man of God” yet he cannot help himself when it comes to cheating and now beating on his wives. Who knows what really happened? He probably threatened to really beat her up good if she did not change her story. Personally I hope he loses everything….it would be sweet justice for the MAN-WHORE.

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
7:48 am

UGA75 — Your first 1st. And the band plays, ‘Sunrise, sunset.’

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
7:48 am

Melissa — Thanks

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

February 23rd, 2010
7:48 am

Good Stuff JS- i thought porn stars could act?

Walker, Texas Ranger

February 23rd, 2010
7:49 am

Allred is trying to win the biggest class action suit since Erin Brokivitch (sp?)

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
7:49 am

Reid Adair — I’m sure there was a time when Gloria Allred had some respectability. I just can’t remember back that far.

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
7:50 am

Conyers — You’re right. It’s an endless supply. These were just the timely ones I guess.

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
7:51 am

New Stepmom — Hah! I hadn’t seen/heard that saying before. Pretty funny.

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
7:52 am

Dam Yankee — It was a joke.

Required Reading | Hard Knox Sports

February 23rd, 2010
7:52 am

[...] Schultz’s countdown. [AJC] [...]

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
7:53 am

F-105 Thunderchief — Thanks for the travel tip. I’ll be sure to not stop in Prattville.

Walker, Texas Ranger

February 23rd, 2010
8:09 am

Joe must be from the Pygmy tribe of Prattville. Known for their ire rebel yell and consumption of PBR. They worship the god of Litte E. Thought to be the wear abouts of Elvis based on the number of Elvis black velvet posters that each tribe member owns.

J dubb

February 23rd, 2010
8:09 am

Welcome back Schultzie!

No 2. That is the best (worst?) example of ALA trailer-in-the-woods-for-10 yrs of inbreeding i have ever seen….haha…wonder what it was arrested for? eating one of its offspring?

Walker, Texas Ranger

February 23rd, 2010
8:14 am

Stepmom, too funny. check out this site to back up your claim.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

Walker, Texas Ranger

February 23rd, 2010
8:17 am

Jeff, impresive blog with ref. to Fidler on the Roof

Walker, Texas Ranger

February 23rd, 2010
8:30 am

where can I pick up a bronze medal

Mike S

February 23rd, 2010
8:45 am

Hey now, Prattville is an OK town, just need to stay out of the seedier places. LOL. My office is in Prattville, but I think I may have seen Joe at the Chik-Fil-A next door. But the beautiful view of the Walmart parking lot from my office window makes up for it — LOL.

Ummm on second thought, I’ll just shut up now.

Connor Nolte's Game Day Trick Shot

February 23rd, 2010
8:46 am

Ms. Siwik-Daniels ought to be upset with whoever styled her hair.

Clay

February 23rd, 2010
8:46 am

Wish Evander would have retired after the first Tyson victory. Now his life is a cartoon. Sad.

Mike S

February 23rd, 2010
8:46 am

Walker speaks the truth — Prattville Pygmies are an especially vicious subclan of the Tide rowdies.

But, the UGA license plate on the front of my car does help maake the area a little nicer. LOL

Festus

February 23rd, 2010
8:48 am

That No.2 is a woman, not a man. She is a former Miss Alabama and was third runner-up in the Miss USA pagent a few years ago. She still has it, one of the best looking women to come out of Alabama in years.

Ricky

February 23rd, 2010
8:49 am

Hello…………hello…………..is this TMZ?

Jeff, hope the therapy works this time, Welcome Back…………!!

TommyJack

February 23rd, 2010
8:52 am

That Dr. Phil could earn millions is a tribute to the stupidity of the American public.

Clay

February 23rd, 2010
8:53 am

Tiger, you reap what you sow …

Clay

February 23rd, 2010
9:01 am

SimpleDawg, nah, Gloria’s not a blonde!

Mike A.

February 23rd, 2010
9:24 am

To Roger Godell: I want to make clear that I am not interested in a management job with the NFL. I am a Georgian (by way of Tennessee and Alabama), and I intend to stay here until my work is done.

Bob Didier caught here

February 23rd, 2010
9:28 am

Ms Daniels looks more like a Florida Bank Executive rather than the porn star she is. No doubt she went to the Gloria Allred School of Fashion. Meanwhile I am waiting for the waitress from Perkins to step forward.

Oh and Shultzie, one last thing………NEED MORE Danica news and Photos! Remember she did run in the Nationwide Series race this past weekend……..

Tech Rules

February 23rd, 2010
9:40 am

“Interesting because the international movie database (IMDB)”

Count, that ‘Internet’, not ‘International’.

Supes

February 23rd, 2010
9:48 am

It’s not the 1st time Johnny DEMON sold out for more cash…money talks…and well you know the rest. Shame when Athletes reserve to lies.

Asheville Dawg

February 23rd, 2010
9:54 am

I always enjoy the “Count”.

Ran Man

February 23rd, 2010
9:59 am

Doesn’t the count usually include photos of hot chicks? And the porn star video doesn’t count. That “request for apology” skit nearly made me hurl…

Ran Man

February 23rd, 2010
10:01 am

Oops – sorry for my political in-correctness. I meant to say “photos of attactive women”. My bad…

Richard

February 23rd, 2010
10:06 am

Mr. Crutcher is exactly what I think of when I hear “Roll Tide” 4′2″ vertically, 5′2″ horizontally.

.

February 23rd, 2010
10:09 am

Gloria Allred on Fox the other night trying to make the porn star look good but some lady made Gloria look stupid.

Another day of the Young and Restless! Thanks Jeff for the laughs.

LOL!

February 23rd, 2010
10:13 am

Jeff…in all seriousness wouldn’t story #2 also be true of the average UGA fan in this state (albeit with a UGA jersey)? I mean I am red & black through and through but I am not blind! LOL I would guess the average Ole Miss and LSU fan would also look similar.

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
10:21 am

JDubb — hate to think there is offspring.

gdawginkalamazoo

February 23rd, 2010
10:22 am

Prattville Pygmies? LMAO! Too funny.

Great we get Johnny Damon for a year. Damn didn’t Detroit learn anything with the AI debacle? Let’s get this guy, he is washed up and ready for retirement so let’s give him, say, something north of double the highest offer. We have real estate to move.

Gloria Allred the Jesse Jackson of women’s rights.

Jeff Schultz

February 23rd, 2010
10:23 am

Tech — Isn’t the internet international? (fixed)