Women of Countdown: Miss Georgia, Divas, Bobby Hebert(?)

One bogey, two bogeys ...

One bogey, two bogeys ...

In the interest of full disclosure here, The Count isn’t the world’s biggest golf fan. It’s because golfers whine too much. They complain because it it’s too windy. Or it’s too cold. Or the greens are too fast. Or too slow. Who clicked that camera? Chirping birds. Bob left me off the Ryder Cup team, and now he won’t friend me on Facebook. I just can’t concentrate because my coffee shop hookup keeps calling me while I’m trying to text my porn star girl friend, and I think she’s really the one because my Swedish super model wife just doesn’t understand me. Any way, golf has a problem. Tiger Woods is off somewhere in Nooky Rehab and the PGA can’t even come up with a good scandal to hold the public’s interest. Square grooves? We count down . . .

10. So the WMDs were hiding in Phil Mickelson’s bag?

This would constitute cheating in golf.

This would constitute cheating in golf.

Golf needs to take marketing tips from the WWE. A couple of these guys need to whacked with a folding chair and thrown out of the country club dining room Toughen them up a little bit. In case you missed it, Scott McCarron accused Phil Mickelson of being a cheater.  This, of course, led to two questions: 1) How can Phil Mickelson be a cheater when he hardly wins anything? 2) Who is Scott McCarron? Well, McCarron says Mickelson is using a Ping-Eye 2 wedge. It’s a square-grooved club. It’s just not fair. It’s why Germany tumbled. Oy. Let me define an unfair advantage in golf for Scott McCarron: When some guy starts firing tee shots out of  a bazooka or knee caps you on the green with his Ping-Eye 2 wedge. The PGA says it has no problem with Mickelson’s clubs. And about this accusation . . .

9. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck …

Here's Mr. I Won't Be Silenced using his sissy putter.

Here's Mr. I Won't Be Silenced using his sissy putter.

If Scott McCarron got beat up a lot as a kid, it wasn’t enough. After the story the broke, he attempted to backtrack  by saying that while, yes, he said Mickelson was cheating, he never really called him a cheater. This is why I believe we should bring back public stoning. The PGA could have a cage at every tournament — borrow one from the WWE — every time somebody says something really stupid, and people could throw golf balls at him. He cheated but he’s not a cheater?  This is like, “He lied, but he’s not a liar.” Or, “He robbed a bank, but he’s not a bank robber.” Or, “I might just be a whiney, publicity-hungry hack from Sacramento who hasn’t won a tournament in nine-years and probably should just keep my mouth shut. But I’m not just a whiney, publicity-hungry hack from Sacramento who hasn’t won a tournament in nine years and probably should just keep my mouth shut.” McCarron actually released a statement, which in this case is worse than talking live because it suggests he put more thought into his words. And what did he say in the statement?: “I want my fans, sponsors, and most importantly, my fellow players, to know that I will not be silenced.” Tiger. Please come back.

8. Everybody’s a comedian

Tiger can't even escape a pageant without getting lampooned.

Tiger can't even escape a pageant without getting lampooned.

Yes, we all miss Tiger. Even Emily Cook, Miss Georgia 2009, used him as material. Cook made sure everybody at the Miss America pageant knew that she was from the home state of the Masters but has never met one of the tournament’s past winners. This little bit apparently didn’t carry much weight with the judges. She lost anyway. For some reason, I’m having difficulty getting the video to imbed, but here’s the link.

7. Bobby Hebert: One too many concussions

We usually only hear about the after-effects of an NFL career and are saved from the ugly visual evidence. The creaking knees of a running back. The sore back of a lineman. The constant ringing in the head of a quarterbacks. But oh, to see what has happened to former Falcons and Saints quarterback Bobby Hebert is so sad. I posted the video below, even knowing it’s not suitable for children. Football does things to people, bad things, particularly quarterbacks who get get hit a lot. Sometimes you just never know when they’re going to snap. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Hebert is one twitch away from bingo and green Jello Tuesdays at the Happy Home For Really Special People. Watch. If you must.

(Postscript: Hebert knows I’m just kidding. I’ve known him for a while. Just got off the phone with him and he was still cracking up about the parade. “Police estimated 80,000 to 85,000 people showed up for this thing. There must’ve been 2,000 guys there in dresses. I had people call [my radio talkshow] asking if this was going to be a  club and we were going to do this all the time. I said, ‘No, I’m one and done. That’s it.’”)

6. NFL credo: Mine, mine, mine. Oink

NFL executives met over copyright issues in New Orleans but they wouldn't allow me into their meeting.

NFL executives met over copyright issues in New Orleans but they wouldn't allow me into their meeting.

The NFL’s current television contracts total over $3 billion a year, but that won’t stop the league from pleading poverty during CBA negotiations with the players’ union. And if you’re wondering just how low billionaire cretins can go, try this:  The NFL issued a cease and desist order to some T-shirt makers in New Orleans for using the phrase “Who Dat” and the fleur-de-lis logo, claiming copyright infringement. Never mind that the phrase “Who Dat” has been traced back to Vaudeville acts in the late 1800s, and the fleur-de-lis dates back to the first French Monarch in the 12th Century. I believe the NFL’s contention is that George Blanda played for the French in the original World League in the 12th Century. Of course, everybody laughed about it back then, too.

5. OK, OK: More Divas

SPL90720_001Given the level of my general audience, I’m not surprised that so many of you degenerates requested more pictures of  “Kelly Kelly” and “Eve,” the two WWE Divas who provided the eye-candy at Monday’s announcement of Wrestlemania XXVII at the Georgia Dome in spring of 2011, and of course caused Falcons general Rich McKay to get completely flustered on stage. But first I wanted to share one leftover remark from promoter Vince McMahon, when I asked about the Wrestlemania’s futher infiltration into the sports/entertainment mainstream: “We’re translated into 35 different languages. But even if you don’t understand what they’re saying, you get it.” Wait. Huh? Any way, that’s Eve on the left and Kelly Kelly on the right and both are biochemical engineers.

4. ‘Michael Vick Project’: Lights, camera, phony

vickpixThe Count likes good late-night television as much as the next dead guy. But one question: What is it people expect to learn from  BET’s 10-part “docu-reality” show with Michael Vick (which debuts tonight at 10 p.m.)? We all know reality TV isn’t that at all. We’ve already seen the real Vick story play out live. Shows like this are created by agents and spin doctors. This is about image building, and that’s fine. If there was anything the lease bit controversial, or certainly negative, Vick’s handlers wouldn’t allow it to air. Maybe cameras will follow Vick from speech to speech, home to practice, practice to games. Maybe it will show him saying he regrets his past actions. Is this a surprise? And because he’s saying it on a TV show, does it mean anything? Because I always figured would you told people face to face should carry more weight. Folks, this is carefully packaged Hollywood schmaltz.

3.  How did ‘Bonds on Bonds’ work out?

Barry Bonds tried to re-shape his image with a reality TV show. Didn't work.

Barry Bonds tried to re-shape his image with a reality TV show. Didn't work.

Hopefully for the sake of himself and his children, Vick rehabs his life and career. But it seems to me he should’ve focused his time — all of his time — on things other than creating a show about his life. And by the way, for people who believe productions like this are the gospel, I refer you to ESPN’s ill-fated reality show on Barry Bonds, “Bonds on Bonds.” ESPN claimed it was real journalism and it had total creative control. Soon, producers realized it was a sham and they were getting pounded in the court of public opinion. Eventually, ESPN pulled the plug on the show. One final note: Far be it for me to suggest the Michael Vick Project’s executive producer, James DuBose, has blown his credibility before the first episode even airs. But James: The next time you give an interview about Vick, you might want to avoid saying things like, “This may sound strange but he really loves animals,” even when you follow that up with, “I want to be clear: what he did was horrendous and awful.”

2. Skip snubbed by Cooperstown

The Braves' former dynamic duo, Skip Caray and Pete Van Wieren.

The Braves' former dynamic duo, Skip Caray and Pete Van Wieren.

For the record, the broadcasting wing of the Baseball Hall of Fame just got it wrong by naming Jon Miller as the winner of the Ford C. Frick award, presented annually for major contributions to broadcasting.  Nothing against Miller. But the late Skip Caray also was up for the award and was deserving of the honor. I’d like to hear the argument that gives the edge to Miller over somebody became a national broadcasting icon after Ted Turner created a little cable station called TBS.

1. And finally

The Braves’ are holding their annual pre-spring pitching camp this week at Turner Field. It would’ve been a great opportunity for the team to present a plaque to the winner of the, “Brave of the Year,” award, presented annually by the Atlanta chapters of the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA). There’s just one problem. The winner was just announced, and it’s Javier Vazquez. Wonder if Melky Cabrera will accept it in his place?

106 comments Add your comment

NC Dawg

February 2nd, 2010
9:09 am

P-Man

February 2nd, 2010
9:15 am

P-Man

February 2nd, 2010
9:15 am

OK, I was first, but I didn’t get that warm, fuzzy feeling I was expecting..

PMC

February 2nd, 2010
9:27 am

Only in golf would people whine about other players using 20+ year old equipment.

Is Peyton wearing a Leather helmet!?! SCANDAL!!!

Come back soon Tiger.

spotman

February 2nd, 2010
9:28 am

Why doesn’t McCarronn buy a ping eye 2 wedge?

SOUTH GA DAWG FAN

February 2nd, 2010
9:28 am

Wondering if an HMO will cover treatment for nooky addiction or if there is a doctor that will prescribe the right medicine for it ?

PMC

February 2nd, 2010
9:29 am

Roger Federer is playing with a WOODEN RACKET!!!!! Blasphemer!!!

Maybe Phil could play his next tournament round with a persimmon wood driver just to make a point.

Paul H

February 2nd, 2010
9:32 am

Hebert – really? That’s just bizarre.

Ocilla Dawg

February 2nd, 2010
9:33 am

bamafan

February 2nd, 2010
9:35 am

Skip Caray had a reputation as a jerk. Perhaps that is why he wasn’t selected.

uga_b

February 2nd, 2010
9:35 am

I don’t blame Rich.

Barry Osborne

February 2nd, 2010
9:44 am

I hear Michael Vick admit he’s done horrible things on one hand, and on the other lament he didn’t stop it. If he truly wants to come clean, he has to admit he didn’t WANT to stop it, because he dug it. You dig?

Whatever Dawg

February 2nd, 2010
9:45 am

Good stuff. Only place you can find “nooky rehab”, armed rodents, and pictures of swine followed by divas followed by thugs (vick and bonds) all in the same article!

dtanner

February 2nd, 2010
9:45 am

a nobody like scott mccaron thinks he has fans? and to bobby hebert it must be tough being an old washed up ballplayer(drunk), and how in the hell does the city of atlanta figure this wwe thing will bring in 50million

Dawg '85

February 2nd, 2010
9:46 am

Schultz – If you ever did any real reporting you would know that Hebert did this as a tribute to a New Orleans sports announcer who died. The guy said if the Saints ever made it to the Super Bowl he’d wear a dress. The AJC headline and your statements are sensalionalist as usual.

washedup

February 2nd, 2010
9:48 am

Vick has a bigger problem than trying to rehab his image. .if there’s a work stoppage next year, how’s he going to pay back all the millions he owes? BTW, since when can a psychopath change to a non-psychopath simply by deciding to change? A better question is why would anybody want him for anything, much less the leader of their football team.

DHD

February 2nd, 2010
9:49 am

AJC….ALL Vick, ALL the time. Which one of you guys are married to him? You have to hold the record for most articles written about one man. Great journalism. NOT.

Reid Adair

February 2nd, 2010
9:49 am

“This is why I believe we should bring back public stoning.”

Absolutely. Scott McCarron … seriously? Did he honestly think people would believe him when he said he didn’t call Phil Mickelson a cheater?

And Kelly Kelly and Eve? They may not be biochemical engineers, but they’ve both been engineered a bit. Not that I’m complaining.

SimpleDawg

February 2nd, 2010
9:53 am

Skip, like most things Southern, and his career have been devalued by the rest the media and stereo-typed as a “homer.” Well, he did represent the Atlanta Braves, but he could be brutally honest when critiquing poor play. Ol’ Skip called it as it was….being it glowing praise or crushing criticism. He was one of the truly great baseball commentators, and an iconic personality.

The NFL is the most greedy group of old codgers known to man since the Crown Heads of Europe. They are going to eventually kill the goose laying the golden eggs with their own greed.

The Michael Vick Project ??? What a joke! Oh, it’s on BET….shocker! More stupid TV…..I guess they’ve targeted their market.

Melky for Javy will turn out to be another disastrous Braves trade….unless both of those young pitchers end up in the Braves rotation…….and as winning pitchers.

Bobby Hebert had to be intoxicated to do his drag queen bit……only drunk, would that seem funny.

The 2 wrestling Babes? Yep, I’d wrassle both of them…or all four of them. What they’re fake? So what, they’re still fun to play with…..

Bob Didier caught here

February 2nd, 2010
9:53 am

Shultzie!!

You missed one important item on your countdown! I couldn’t agree with you more on the NFL’s idiotic claim about owning the rights to “Who Dat” and the Fluer-de-leis. When combine the NFL’s demonic attempts to own anything and everything related to oxygen then you might understand why they would team up with the WWE. But I was hoping that you might’ve had that “joke of an All-Pro” game Sunday night. I mean what does this say about the state of the NFL when they had their highest ratings ever for the All-Pro game when you had players openly mocking the game!

One last thing……several years ago I was visiting my brother in France and we were watching TV one evening and happened to catch a WWE wrestling program. To hear the late Bobby Heenan translated in french was quite a whooot! or should I say “Who Dat”!!

Selah!

falcon71

February 2nd, 2010
9:55 am

I believe Scott McCarron played the spoiled country club guy that wore a white captains hat and dated Judge Smails daughter in Caddyshack

Without-a-clue

February 2nd, 2010
9:55 am

“But I’m (not) just a whiney, publicity-hungry hack from Sacramento”

I didn’t know you were from Sacramento, Schultz.

Sonny Clusters

February 2nd, 2010
9:59 am

. . . “Brave of the Year,” award, presented annually by the Atlanta chapters of the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA). There’s just one problem. The winner was just announced, and it’s Javier Vazquez. – JS

We was wondering how this could happen? Didn’t the Braves know Vazquez was the class of the staff last year and finished in the running for the Cy Young?

They is at least two candy bar players on the team now. EscoBar and Melky Way. Players used to have candy bars named for them – Baby Ruth and Oh Henry! Chipper could also be a candy bar but it might crumble and break and be on the D.L.

Just sayin'

February 2nd, 2010
10:05 am

Dawg ‘85:

Don’t you understand? COLUMNISTS are not REPORTERS! So you can’t accuse of Schultz of not doing his job, because his job is to ramble on about anything that has even a remote tie to sports.

Not really his fault though – he does what his employer tells him to do – which is the real problem, the AJC sports department started going down the tubes “reporting wise” about 20 years ago.

If you don’t pass reporters school, you become a COLUMNIST because you can always hide behind “it was just my opinion”! I just wonder why so many columnists are created out of journalism school. I mean what class do you take to prepare to list 10 things that break down as: 4 put downs, 2 opinions, 1 set of pictures & 3 serious items?

I mean either be a satirist or serious or at minimum let a stand alone column be one or the other. All a column does that goes one direction to another is make an attempt to say enough crap to catch attention to everybody with at least one part of the story. Same principle as wanting to take an oral exam instead of written. Written tests have specific answers – oral exams give you the hope that if you talk long enough you’ll say something correct and pass the test. Guess most tests are of the oral variety in journalism school.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:05 am

South Ga Dawg — I still don’t know why you would want to get cured.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:06 am

NC Dawg and P-Man — you are loved and admired and envied around the world.

SOUTH GA DAWG FAN

February 2nd, 2010
10:06 am

I think Bobby Heenan (the brain) is still around just out of wrasslin.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:06 am

PMC — like the analogy about the leather helmet.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:07 am

Spotman — I hate to even answer that question because it suggests this should be taken seriously, but Mickelson is being “grandfathered” in because he used the club 20 years ago.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:09 am

Bamafan — So did Ty Cobb. And half the guys in the Hall of Fame.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:09 am

uga_B — yes. First round talent.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:09 am

Barry — I dig.

Mike A.

February 2nd, 2010
10:10 am

I want to make it clear that I am NOT a candidate for any position with the NFL, and I resent this writer’s unauthorized use of my photograph.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:11 am

Dawg 85 — I know. It’s a joke. Almost everybody knows it’s a joke, except maybe you.

JabboRockefeller

February 2nd, 2010
10:14 am

Wonder how long it’ll take Tiger to hook-up with Hebert?

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:14 am

Bob Didier — I didn’t know that about the ratings, but it makes sense that it drew higher ratings before the Super Bowl than after. Strong believe the game will move back to Hawaii next year but still be played the week before the Super Bowl.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:15 am

Falcons 71 — Yes!

Paddy

February 2nd, 2010
10:15 am

Sonny Clusters….you must have missed the new candy bar award; General Manager of the Year Candy Bar. ZERO, in honor of Frank Wren. Many thanks to the folks that voted for ZAG NUT, it was a very close vote tabulation.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:18 am

Sonny Clusters — And what player or executive would be “Snickers” in this exercise?

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:20 am

Paddy — OK, this whole candy bar thing is starting to work into a separate blog. Butterfinger? Chunky? Mounds? (I know. Let’s leave Eve and Kelly Kelly out of this).

Ted Striker

February 2nd, 2010
10:22 am

You bloggers criticizing BET’s programming have probably never seen Nelly’s “Tip Drill” video or watched the show “Hell Date.” Neither would have existed without BET.

I may not be watching the Vickumockery, but I do appreciate some fine BET programming on occasion.

JabboRockefeller

February 2nd, 2010
10:23 am

Butterfinger would be a good name for a Michael Jenkins candy bar…

Bryan G.

February 2nd, 2010
10:23 am

I think Miller got the award as kind of a humanitarian award. You see, he has been in the booth 20 years with Joe Morgan and hasn’t punched him in the face yet for being awful. I know if I had been in Miller’s shoes, I could not have been so pacifistic.

Biff Pocaroba

February 2nd, 2010
10:23 am

The Baby Ruth was not named for Babe Ruth. It was named for President Cleveland’s young daughter, Ruth. My “Biff’s Best Bar” was not such a hit because it contained peanut butter and sausage with a creamy nougat filling.

Jeff Schultz

February 2nd, 2010
10:25 am

Striker — And Tavis Smiley was pretty strong back in the day.

ynot

February 2nd, 2010
10:28 am

you know Mickelson is using a loop-hole in a rule. I wonder how many other 20+ year old clubs he has in his bag. I’m thinking none.

Daniel

February 2nd, 2010
10:29 am

SOUTH GA DAWG FAN

February 2nd, 2010
10:31 am

I might be wrong but i seem to remember Hebert taunting the saints (brooking like) after one of his best games as a falcon does anybody else remember that ?

Barry Osborne

February 2nd, 2010
10:32 am

Chunky? Now that’s the finest of all candy bars … and it should have Grady Jackson as its spokeseater.

JabboRockefeller

February 2nd, 2010
10:36 am

The “Morbidly Obese Bar” would be more fitting for Grady..