In the interest of full disclosure here, The Count isn’t the world’s biggest golf fan. It’s because golfers whine too much. They complain because it it’s too windy. Or it’s too cold. Or the greens are too fast. Or too slow. Who clicked that camera? Chirping birds. Bob left me off the Ryder Cup team, and now he won’t friend me on Facebook. I just can’t concentrate because my coffee shop hookup keeps calling me while I’m trying to text my porn star girl friend, and I think she’s really the one because my Swedish super model wife just doesn’t understand me. Any way, golf has a problem. Tiger Woods is off somewhere in Nooky Rehab and the PGA can’t even come up with a good scandal to hold the public’s interest. Square grooves? We count down . . .
10. So the WMDs were hiding in Phil Mickelson’s bag?
Golf needs to take marketing tips from the WWE. A couple of these guys need to whacked with a folding chair and thrown out of the country club dining room Toughen them up a little bit. In case you missed it, Scott McCarron accused Phil Mickelson of being a cheater. This, of course, led to two questions: 1) How can Phil Mickelson be a cheater when he hardly wins anything? 2) Who is Scott McCarron? Well, McCarron says Mickelson is using a Ping-Eye 2 wedge. It’s a square-grooved club. It’s just not fair. It’s why Germany tumbled. Oy. Let me define an unfair advantage in golf for Scott McCarron: When some guy starts firing tee shots out of a bazooka or knee caps you on the green with his Ping-Eye 2 wedge. The PGA says it has no problem with Mickelson’s clubs. And about this accusation . . .
9. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck …
If Scott McCarron got beat up a lot as a kid, it wasn’t enough. After the story the broke, he attempted to backtrack by saying that while, yes, he said Mickelson was cheating, he never really called him a cheater. This is why I believe we should bring back public stoning. The PGA could have a cage at every tournament — borrow one from the WWE — every time somebody says something really stupid, and people could throw golf balls at him. He cheated but he’s not a cheater? This is like, “He lied, but he’s not a liar.” Or, “He robbed a bank, but he’s not a bank robber.” Or, “I might just be a whiney, publicity-hungry hack from Sacramento who hasn’t won a tournament in nine-years and probably should just keep my mouth shut. But I’m not just a whiney, publicity-hungry hack from Sacramento who hasn’t won a tournament in nine years and probably should just keep my mouth shut.” McCarron actually released a statement, which in this case is worse than talking live because it suggests he put more thought into his words. And what did he say in the statement?: “I want my fans, sponsors, and most importantly, my fellow players, to know that I will not be silenced.” Tiger. Please come back.
8. Everybody’s a comedian
Yes, we all miss Tiger. Even Emily Cook, Miss Georgia 2009, used him as material. Cook made sure everybody at the Miss America pageant knew that she was from the home state of the Masters but has never met one of the tournament’s past winners. This little bit apparently didn’t carry much weight with the judges. She lost anyway. For some reason, I’m having difficulty getting the video to imbed, but here’s the link.
7. Bobby Hebert: One too many concussions
We usually only hear about the after-effects of an NFL career and are saved from the ugly visual evidence. The creaking knees of a running back. The sore back of a lineman. The constant ringing in the head of a quarterbacks. But oh, to see what has happened to former Falcons and Saints quarterback Bobby Hebert is so sad. I posted the video below, even knowing it’s not suitable for children. Football does things to people, bad things, particularly quarterbacks who get get hit a lot. Sometimes you just never know when they’re going to snap. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Hebert is one twitch away from bingo and green Jello Tuesdays at the Happy Home For Really Special People. Watch. If you must.
(Postscript: Hebert knows I’m just kidding. I’ve known him for a while. Just got off the phone with him and he was still cracking up about the parade. “Police estimated 80,000 to 85,000 people showed up for this thing. There must’ve been 2,000 guys there in dresses. I had people call [my radio talkshow] asking if this was going to be a club and we were going to do this all the time. I said, ‘No, I’m one and done. That’s it.’”)
6. NFL credo: Mine, mine, mine. Oink
The NFL’s current television contracts total over $3 billion a year, but that won’t stop the league from pleading poverty during CBA negotiations with the players’ union. And if you’re wondering just how low billionaire cretins can go, try this: The NFL issued a cease and desist order to some T-shirt makers in New Orleans for using the phrase “Who Dat” and the fleur-de-lis logo, claiming copyright infringement. Never mind that the phrase “Who Dat” has been traced back to Vaudeville acts in the late 1800s, and the fleur-de-lis dates back to the first French Monarch in the 12th Century. I believe the NFL’s contention is that George Blanda played for the French in the original World League in the 12th Century. Of course, everybody laughed about it back then, too.
5. OK, OK: More Divas
Given the level of my general audience, I’m not surprised that so many of you degenerates requested more pictures of “Kelly Kelly” and “Eve,” the two WWE Divas who provided the eye-candy at Monday’s announcement of Wrestlemania XXVII at the Georgia Dome in spring of 2011, and of course caused Falcons general Rich McKay to get completely flustered on stage. But first I wanted to share one leftover remark from promoter Vince McMahon, when I asked about the Wrestlemania’s futher infiltration into the sports/entertainment mainstream: “We’re translated into 35 different languages. But even if you don’t understand what they’re saying, you get it.” Wait. Huh? Any way, that’s Eve on the left and Kelly Kelly on the right and both are biochemical engineers.
4. ‘Michael Vick Project’: Lights, camera, phony
The Count likes good late-night television as much as the next dead guy. But one question: What is it people expect to learn from BET’s 10-part “docu-reality” show with Michael Vick (which debuts tonight at 10 p.m.)? We all know reality TV isn’t that at all. We’ve already seen the real Vick story play out live. Shows like this are created by agents and spin doctors. This is about image building, and that’s fine. If there was anything the lease bit controversial, or certainly negative, Vick’s handlers wouldn’t allow it to air. Maybe cameras will follow Vick from speech to speech, home to practice, practice to games. Maybe it will show him saying he regrets his past actions. Is this a surprise? And because he’s saying it on a TV show, does it mean anything? Because I always figured would you told people face to face should carry more weight. Folks, this is carefully packaged Hollywood schmaltz.
3. How did ‘Bonds on Bonds’ work out?
Hopefully for the sake of himself and his children, Vick rehabs his life and career. But it seems to me he should’ve focused his time — all of his time — on things other than creating a show about his life. And by the way, for people who believe productions like this are the gospel, I refer you to ESPN’s ill-fated reality show on Barry Bonds, “Bonds on Bonds.” ESPN claimed it was real journalism and it had total creative control. Soon, producers realized it was a sham and they were getting pounded in the court of public opinion. Eventually, ESPN pulled the plug on the show. One final note: Far be it for me to suggest the Michael Vick Project’s executive producer, James DuBose, has blown his credibility before the first episode even airs. But James: The next time you give an interview about Vick, you might want to avoid saying things like, “This may sound strange but he really loves animals,” even when you follow that up with, “I want to be clear: what he did was horrendous and awful.”
2. Skip snubbed by Cooperstown
For the record, the broadcasting wing of the Baseball Hall of Fame just got it wrong by naming Jon Miller as the winner of the Ford C. Frick award, presented annually for major contributions to broadcasting. Nothing against Miller. But the late Skip Caray also was up for the award and was deserving of the honor. I’d like to hear the argument that gives the edge to Miller over somebody became a national broadcasting icon after Ted Turner created a little cable station called TBS.
1. And finally
The Braves’ are holding their annual pre-spring pitching camp this week at Turner Field. It would’ve been a great opportunity for the team to present a plaque to the winner of the, “Brave of the Year,” award, presented annually by the Atlanta chapters of the Baseball Writers Association of America (BBWAA). There’s just one problem. The winner was just announced, and it’s Javier Vazquez. Wonder if Melky Cabrera will accept it in his place?