Countdown: Tiger on back 9, Tebow’s tears, Weis’s head

The Count is tired just thinking about Tiger.

The Count is out of fingers.

A lot of has happened since last week, when The Count couldn’t get over the fact that Tiger Woods was cheating on his Swedish bikini model wife Elin Nordegren with a New York socialite, Rachel Uchitel (and how does one get to be a socialite anyway? And do they have to punch a clock, like a real job? Is there such a thing as a part-time socialite who works, like, 20 hours a week? And if so, would that be a socialite lite? OK, I’ll stop now.) Anyway, as you’ve probably heard, the Tiger Woods Bunny Ranch has grown to reported double-digits. By the time you’ve finish reading this Countdown, it may be illegal. See, according to PGA rules, players are allowed only 14 clubs in the bag. Forrrrreee! We count down.

10. First, the news: Alcohol, Ambien and Vicodin, oh my

Dude. Are you serious? It's so late for that.

Dude. Are you serious? It's so late for that.

You might need numbing agents before we get to the good stuff, so here goes: The Florida Highway Patrol apparently sought to test a blood sample after Woods went to the hospital following his one-car, one-tree, one-fire-hydrant accident. They suspected he was drinking and also learned he had prescriptions for Ambien (a sedative) and Vicodin (a pain killer). But Woods declined the blood test and apparently the FHP had insufficient cause to press the issue. The fact the tree and the fire hydrant would not cooperate also hindered the investigation, sources told The Countdown.

9. Look out: Bombshell on the market

According to several reports, Nordegren has moved out of the house after stories of even more flings became public, including one with a porn star (we’ll get to that shortly). The thinking here is that at some point, even Tammy Wynette stops singing and screams, “To hell with my man. Where’s my bazooka?”  This could mean, of course, that a smokin’ blonde from Stockholm who may be on the verge of an $80 million divorce settlement is on the open market. Stand back guys. The Count saw her first. Ooh, yeah.

Several members of Tiger's harem pose for a group photo.

Several members of Tiger Woods' harem got together for a group photo.

8. Cocktail waitress, coffee shop waitress, porn star …

I know. There is tragedy and pain here. I know. This is  nobody’s business. I know.  I’m juvenile. OK, I’m covered. But this story has mutated beyond belief. Word is that 10 — 10! — members of Tiger’s intimate gallery have now surfaced, and it has been only a week! Will we have to make a cut after the second round? Let’s look into Tiger’s golf bag, shall we?

♦ Driver:  Rachel Uchitel. She didn’t mind Tiger cheating on his wife with her, but Uchitel was so upset when she found out he also was cheating on her that she hired Gloria Allred, who I’m pretty sure nobody is cheating with.

♦ 3-wood: Jamie Grubbs. A cocktail waitress who clearly has the most journalistic skills. She sold the audio phone message of Woods’ plea to change her greeting after she learned that Tiger was cheating on her with somebody else. (Have you picked up on a trend here?)

Wow. Jamie Jungers really does look like Barbie.

Barbie No. 6: Jamie Jungers.

♦ 3-iron: Kalika Moquin. She’s the “marketing director” at Bare Pool Lounge in Las Vegas. Oh, is that what they call it these days?

♦ 4-iron: Mindy Lawton. She worked at a diner in Orlando. Fill in your own line about how he liked his eggs.

♦ 5-iron: Cori Rist. They met at a Manhattan nightclub. She’s a swimsuit model. Of course.

♦ 6-iron: Jamie Jungers. A model who also worked for “Trashy Girls,” a lingerie line and entertainment agency. Guys, her pictures are all over the Googlesphere.

♦ 7-iron: Holly Sampson. She’s also all over the internet. In porn. Cute kid who started out with bit roles in “Matlock” and “The Wonder Years.” Later transitioned to full-length features like, “Descent into Bondage,” “OMG, Stop Tickling Me,” and “The House of Naked Captives” (I read the book). And no, I will not provide links.

♦ Pitching wedge: Unidentified. A former Orlando cocktail waitress who doesn’t yet want to reveal her identity, according to her attorney.

♦ Sand wedge: Unidentified. A “sexy” British TV star who was single at the time but is now married and has not yet revealed herself.

♦Lob wedge: Unidentified. A “sex-addicted cougar,” according to a British tabloid.

(These last three were reported Monday but are not yet verified. Actually, none are really verified. But I figure even if Woods is lying only half the time, that still makes five out of 10. I’ll let the attorneys sort it out. For the record, there’s still room for three more clubs and a putter in the bag.)

7. Wait a minute. Is that …? Naw.

tigerjokeWe can’t possibly know where the Woods story will go, especially given how far it has come in a week. But there’s no denying he’s getting hammered. He has yet to lose any sponsors: Not Rolex, not Cadillac, certainly not Nike. But his cross-over appeal has morphed into cross-over punchlines. We’re not just talking late-night monologues. Did you catch this photo? It’s from a skit at the Jacksonville Jaguars game’ Sunday. That’s a “Tiger” wearing a golf shirt and hat, being chased by a blonde woman with a golf club. Is it possible to fall lower after you have been mocked by the Jaguars?

6. We interrupt this scandal for the T-shirt of the decade

Tebow cried tshirtIn the aftermath of Alabama’s 32-13 win over Florida, Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was seen crying by millions of people watching on TV. Personally, I don’t have an issue with it and I can’t figure out why so many juvenile drunk fratboys, who normally I can relate to, bashed him for it. That said, the T-shirt to the left is priceless. You can find it at Redlabelsports.com, “economically priced at $13 because Bama is going for their 13th National Championship.”

5. Bowl Investment Tip Sheet

In case you’re wondering, Georgia Tech opened as a 2 1/2 point favorite over Iowa in the Orange Bowl. The line has since jumped to 3 1/2. Georgia opened as a 6-point favorite over Texas A&M in the Independence Bowl. But the line jumped to 7, I believe after the news that Willie Martinez would not coach in the game.

4. Message to Charlie Weis: Just leave — South Bend and Earth.

Bang-zoom, to the moon, Alice.

Bang-zoom, to the moon, Alice.

If you haven’t heard by now, former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis, who would be just another dreadful head coach if he also wasn’t such a dirt bag, did an exit interview with, “Irish Illustrated,” which is in the Rivals.com network. In this piece, he basically outed USC coach Pete Carroll for shacking up with a female grad student (not his wife) in Malibu. The only problem is that Carroll says it’s not true, not that it’s Weis’s business, anyway. Weis now says that he was speaking in “generalities” and the interview was taken out of context. But that seems like a strange thing to take out of context. And since when is Malibu a generality? But there is good news. Word is the Chicago Bears are looking at hiring Weis as their offensive coordinator. That means he would be coaching Jay Cutler. Seems like punishment enough.

3. Cox: No input on his replacement in 2011

Braves manager Bobby Cox said he doesn’t want to play a role in choosing his successor after the season, telling media members at the winter meetings in Indianapolis, “Honestly, I don’t want any part of that. That’s up to Frank [Wren] and John [Schuerholz] and BobbyCoxGoldthe front-office people.” Here’s what I read into that: 1) Terry Pendleton just lost a vote; 2) Wren probably wasn’t going to let Cox make the call, anyway.

2. Parallel universe: Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco

I know some people think too much is made of a sophomore slump. But if you try to dismiss Matt Ryan’s step back this season as insignificant, what about Joe Flacco? The Baltimore Ravens have mimicked the Falcons — they’re 6-6 after a 3-0 start — Flacco looked awful against Green Bay Monday night, throwing three interceptions. His numbers in the last five games: two touchdowns, six interceptions, 14 sacks. But at least all 10 of his toes work.

1. And finally: Tiger, have a seat on The Count’s couch

First Tom Cruise. Next, Tiger Woods?

First Tom Cruise. Next, Tiger Woods?

The Countdown hopes to one day become a top destination for celebrities to cry, laugh and tell their stories of infidelity to the world. However, it looks like we might lose out on the Tiger Woods interview. Oprah Winfrey is pushing hard for it, and she reads books and stuff. Other than money, power and fame, Winfrey doesn’t have a lot of advantages over The Count. But I imagine she has a really nice couch for Woods to sit (or jump) on. And it might be the only couch he hasn’t tested out lately.

180 comments Add your comment

Jimmy

December 8th, 2009
7:05 am

F-105 Thunderchief

December 8th, 2009
7:18 am

If I was rich, famous and good looking, I would be able to bed many great looking women, as well. And, I would. It would be awfully hard not to take advantage of that quirk (perk?) of celebrity.

Charlie Weis says he was talking about how vicious rumors surround coaches, and for example he threw out a couple about Carroll. Weis is really a jack@$$, I’ve heard.

MiltonDawg

December 8th, 2009
7:20 am

Great Stuff JS- Tebow & Crying??? I mean seriously guy, you’ve won 2 NCs and a heisman, quit being a freakin baby!!
You may want to update your countdown though- who’s the lady being carried out of a stretcher from Tiger’s house??

jim

December 8th, 2009
7:23 am

Tiger is toast. His sponsor may say, “Just Do It” but I am fairly sure they did not have 10 women in mind when they came up with the slogan.

MiltonDawg

December 8th, 2009
7:23 am

#4- Weis & the Bears??- Cutler has already ruined my fantasy league this year, could it get any worse? Kelly to Irish and Ned Yost is coming home to coach the Braves in 2011!!!

dap01

December 8th, 2009
7:24 am

Weiss is a loser, Tiger is getting there fast, Tebow crying. Karma.

SimpleDawg

December 8th, 2009
7:25 am

I think Buford T. Justice correctly described Tiger Woods……”Dumb Sumbitch.”

The story will not stop growing…….

Maybe Tiger should’ve been “Sportsman of the Year”…….he’s really been nailing it for years !

SimpleDawg

December 8th, 2009
7:39 am

Oh, one more thing……The Goldie Domers were more sad to see Jerry Faust leave than Charlie Weis……even Touchdown Jesus was relieved.

matt r

December 8th, 2009
7:47 am

You aren’t kidding, Flacco laid an egg last night.

mike on lake hartwell

December 8th, 2009
7:50 am

beautiful work, jeff.
you never cease to amaze.

MadDawg

December 8th, 2009
7:53 am

After Tiger is finished playing golf maybe he can become the next Hugh Hefner, he seems to be fully qualified. Instead of trying to decide which pretty golf shirt to wear everyday before hitting the golf course, he could just stay in his PJ’s and robe all the time while laying around counting all the beautiful, blond, naked women hanging on him. With his money and fame why bother with golf, just live the high life. Its a hard job but someone has to do it.

Big Al

December 8th, 2009
7:53 am

I feel bad for Tebow. Big Bad Alabama made little Timmy cry.

heywood jablomey

December 8th, 2009
7:53 am

just heard on ESPN NEWS that an adult female
from WOODS HOUSE was admitted to the hospital
last nite.

do u have anything on this, JEFF?

Tiger Woods - International Gigolo

December 8th, 2009
7:58 am

I sure wish Lewis Grizzard were here to help comment of Tiger’s crumbling reputation…….

New Book from Tiger:

“Play Like Tiger Woods – Hookers, Lookers, and Skanks – Learn How to Nail them All”

MadDawg

December 8th, 2009
8:02 am

I heard the the blond adult female that was taken to the hospital last night was the maid. Just overworked from all the housekeeping I’m sure.

Tiger Woods - International Gigolo

December 8th, 2009
8:05 am

Book Lewis Grizzard would’ve written on Tiger’s crumbling reputation:

“Pounce – Learn How to Attack Each Hole”

mustang ranch

December 8th, 2009
8:07 am

dumb tiger this is what god made hookers for

Geez, heywood...

December 8th, 2009
8:07 am

That news is about an hour and a half old, and about 10 posts ago – try to keep up with the rest of the sports world news!

Norton

December 8th, 2009
8:10 am

Just as football is winding down, we have the Tiger to take us through the spring. Keep your hat on. I don’t think we’ve seen anything yet. More popcorn anyone?

MadDawg

December 8th, 2009
8:10 am

Tim Tebow has a future in being a tv preacher if he fails in the NFL. I can picture him on there now, crying, slinging snot and begging for your money so he can go and cure all the worlds ills.

SuperB

December 8th, 2009
8:15 am

This was your funniest column. A great read!

heywood jablomey

December 8th, 2009
8:20 am

SORRY DUDE. but i do have a life: a job, a full-time single
dad of a 9 yr old, (homework, dinner, bath,
funtime, etc etc.) so excuse me for not breaking the
BREAKING NEWS.

ex #1 golfer

December 8th, 2009
8:23 am

thats why Timmy was crying the other night he just realized what he has been missing

JB

December 8th, 2009
8:23 am

Most of us thought Tiger was “near’ perfect…..He has fallen way short……..one big problem. He has discipline to go to the range, practice and work out, but can’t resist female temptation, although it sounds like he sought most of these out. He’s just like Obama, people are finding out he is not the real deal, fooling people and way over his head. if you are unemployed, it may not be his fault, but the man, with his views, refuses to do ANYTHING to improve consumer confidence and prop up the private sector and create jobs. The stimulus is CRAP……Whoops, gotta go, my medicine is here.

Carl S.

December 8th, 2009
8:27 am

Awesome Column Jeff!! LMAO!

lefty fielder

December 8th, 2009
8:28 am

Jeff:
Is there any way you could get a rim-shot wav file placed into your column? You could be the viral Rodney Dangerfield.

MadDawg

December 8th, 2009
8:32 am

Jeff, really great column. One of your best, keep it up.

Geez, heywood...

December 8th, 2009
8:34 am

…if you have a 9 year old you certainly need to get a better “handle” than the one you currently use! Talk about a poor role model….

SOGADOG

December 8th, 2009
8:37 am

Fox News reports a blond woman was taken from Tiger’s house this morning by paramedics on advanced life support. Did he try to OJ his wife or mother in law? In any event, GM is getting some great publicity on the safety features of the Escalade.

All I'm Saying Is...

December 8th, 2009
8:37 am

Tiger is apparently everything we thought he wasn’t: a shameless (sleep with any chick), careless (including a waitress in Orlando), and dangerous (alleged to never have used protection) skirt-chasing hoe.

Charlie Weiss is clearly everything we thought he was: an arrogant, a$$h$le, dirt-bag, and human being deserving of neither respect nor attention.

(Tiger has a watch endorsement deal with TAG Heurer not Rolex. Tiger had an endorsement deal with Buick but that was ended by mutual agreement last year when GM sought federal government support. Other than that, your comments are spot-on, as usual.)

And, by the way, Tebow can cry all he wants — in the locker room. On the field, true champions show grace under pressure, a stiff upper lip, and maintain their composure as they display proper sportsmanship and congratulate the other team without otherwise risking their dignity.

SimpleDawg

December 8th, 2009
8:38 am

Jeff,

Who keeps blocking my posts on Tiger Woods – International Gigolo?

There weren’t any “dirty” words. Was I too blunt? It wasn’t really graphic.

You’re stifling my creativity…..and comedic genius.

Reid Adair

December 8th, 2009
8:39 am

“She didn’t mind Tiger cheating on his wife with her, but Uchitel was so upset when she found out he also was cheating on her that she hired Gloria Allred, who I’m pretty sure nobody is cheating with.”

Oh, come on, Jeff. Gloria might not be a model (or a cocktail waitress … or a socialite), but I bet she’s rich.

heywood jablomey

December 8th, 2009
8:40 am

not allowed on the internet

Johnny Griffith

December 8th, 2009
8:40 am

TommyGator

December 8th, 2009
8:43 am

Jeff, you are a media whore.

reebok

December 8th, 2009
8:48 am

LMAO! Thanks, Jeff!

At least we aren't UGA

December 8th, 2009
8:50 am

UGA – 33 arrests in last 3.5 years. Double that of Tennessee. Florida has been surpassed as well.

University of Georgia Correctional…. stay classy UGA.

Blue

December 8th, 2009
8:51 am

Hey…where is “Matt Choke Ryan” on this blog? I guess since his little girlfriend Joey Flacco is struggling as much as Matt Ryan is, he doesn’t have the ’stones’ to show up.

cdub

December 8th, 2009
8:52 am

I HEARD TEBOW GOT A 3 YR 10 MILLION DOLLAR ENDORSEMENT WITH ……………. KLEENEX

heywood jatouchmymember

December 8th, 2009
8:52 am

Sleeping with a porn star? There have be better-looking ones around!!

I’ve seen sexier specimens working checkout at bait and tackles shop!

Larvell "Sugar Bear" Blanks

December 8th, 2009
8:52 am

Oh Jef, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff……

Your BEST Countdown to DATE! Gosh who is helping you write your material on here? This TW story just keeps growing and growing and growing! I live here in Jacksonville and for the Jags to take a swing at Tiger like this took more balls than I thought they had knowing that the PGA is headquartered here in the lovely hamlet of Ponte Vedra.

The T-Shirt is priceless! I gotta have one! Speaking of Tea-Bow…….you missed out on our Governor suggesting to Wayne Weaver that Tebow is the answer to the Jags woes!

dtanner

December 8th, 2009
8:54 am

ever notice all of the tiger girls are white,had’nt seen a black girl in the bunch

Jemima

December 8th, 2009
8:54 am

SONNY CLUSTERS!! GRACE US WITH YOUR PRESENCE!

Chuckles Dimry

December 8th, 2009
8:55 am

I know how tiger like his eggs – unfertilized! That is how I like mine! I have heard that there is an army of lawyers flying around the world cutting checks left and right to quiet down the harem.

jorge de georgia

December 8th, 2009
8:56 am

JS, great column! I heard Coach Paul Johnson is thinking about hiring Charlie Weis as his new offensive coordinator. Tech wants to make Nesbitt the favorite to win the Heisman in ‘10.

Russ4Heisman.net

December 8th, 2009
8:59 am

Wait, “Tebow Cried for Our Sins”? Created by a Bama-fan affiliated web site?

Is that some sort of admission by Bama fans of their programs many, many prior transgressions?

Bo Williams

December 8th, 2009
9:00 am

How many mulligans does Tiger have now?

golf_shagging

December 8th, 2009
9:02 am

Several years ago, it was rumored that Tiger was spotted cruising for teeny boopers in the parking lots of fast food restaurants in the Augusta area during Masters week. I passed it off. It doesn’t seem so far fetched now.

CatsFly

December 8th, 2009
9:02 am

Tiger as tended to “hook(ering)” his drives lately.

heywood weisblowme

December 8th, 2009
9:03 am

How is Weis’ head these days?