A lot of has happened since last week, when The Count couldn’t get over the fact that Tiger Woods was cheating on his Swedish bikini model wife Elin Nordegren with a New York socialite, Rachel Uchitel (and how does one get to be a socialite anyway? And do they have to punch a clock, like a real job? Is there such a thing as a part-time socialite who works, like, 20 hours a week? And if so, would that be a socialite lite? OK, I’ll stop now.) Anyway, as you’ve probably heard, the Tiger Woods Bunny Ranch has grown to reported double-digits. By the time you’ve finish reading this Countdown, it may be illegal. See, according to PGA rules, players are allowed only 14 clubs in the bag. Forrrrreee! We count down.
You might need numbing agents before we get to the good stuff, so here goes: The Florida Highway Patrol apparently sought to test a blood sample after Woods went to the hospital following his one-car, one-tree, one-fire-hydrant accident. They suspected he was drinking and also learned he had prescriptions for Ambien (a sedative) and Vicodin (a pain killer). But Woods declined the blood test and apparently the FHP had insufficient cause to press the issue. The fact the tree and the fire hydrant would not cooperate also hindered the investigation, sources told The Countdown.
According to several reports, Nordegren has moved out of the house after stories of even more flings became public, including one with a porn star (we’ll get to that shortly). The thinking here is that at some point, even Tammy Wynette stops singing and screams, “To hell with my man. Where’s my bazooka?” This could mean, of course, that a smokin’ blonde from Stockholm who may be on the verge of an $80 million divorce settlement is on the open market. Stand back guys. The Count saw her first. Ooh, yeah.
I know. There is tragedy and pain here. I know. This is nobody’s business. I know. I’m juvenile. OK, I’m covered. But this story has mutated beyond belief. Word is that 10 — 10! — members of Tiger’s intimate gallery have now surfaced, and it has been only a week! Will we have to make a cut after the second round? Let’s look into Tiger’s golf bag, shall we?
♦ Driver: Rachel Uchitel. She didn’t mind Tiger cheating on his wife with her, but Uchitel was so upset when she found out he also was cheating on her that she hired Gloria Allred, who I’m pretty sure nobody is cheating with.
♦ 3-wood: Jamie Grubbs. A cocktail waitress who clearly has the most journalistic skills. She sold the audio phone message of Woods’ plea to change her greeting after she learned that Tiger was cheating on her with somebody else. (Have you picked up on a trend here?)
♦ 3-iron: Kalika Moquin. She’s the “marketing director” at Bare Pool Lounge in Las Vegas. Oh, is that what they call it these days?
♦ 4-iron: Mindy Lawton. She worked at a diner in Orlando. Fill in your own line about how he liked his eggs.
♦ 5-iron: Cori Rist. They met at a Manhattan nightclub. She’s a swimsuit model. Of course.
♦ 6-iron: Jamie Jungers. A model who also worked for “Trashy Girls,” a lingerie line and entertainment agency. Guys, her pictures are all over the Googlesphere.
♦ 7-iron: Holly Sampson. She’s also all over the internet. In porn. Cute kid who started out with bit roles in “Matlock” and “The Wonder Years.” Later transitioned to full-length features like, “Descent into Bondage,” “OMG, Stop Tickling Me,” and “The House of Naked Captives” (I read the book). And no, I will not provide links.
♦ Pitching wedge: Unidentified. A former Orlando cocktail waitress who doesn’t yet want to reveal her identity, according to her attorney.
♦ Sand wedge: Unidentified. A “sexy” British TV star who was single at the time but is now married and has not yet revealed herself.
♦Lob wedge: Unidentified. A “sex-addicted cougar,” according to a British tabloid.
(These last three were reported Monday but are not yet verified. Actually, none are really verified. But I figure even if Woods is lying only half the time, that still makes five out of 10. I’ll let the attorneys sort it out. For the record, there’s still room for three more clubs and a putter in the bag.)
We can’t possibly know where the Woods story will go, especially given how far it has come in a week. But there’s no denying he’s getting hammered. He has yet to lose any sponsors: Not Rolex, not Cadillac, certainly not Nike. But his cross-over appeal has morphed into cross-over punchlines. We’re not just talking late-night monologues. Did you catch this photo? It’s from a skit at the Jacksonville Jaguars game’ Sunday. That’s a “Tiger” wearing a golf shirt and hat, being chased by a blonde woman with a golf club. Is it possible to fall lower after you have been mocked by the Jaguars?
In the aftermath of Alabama’s 32-13 win over Florida, Gators quarterback Tim Tebow was seen crying by millions of people watching on TV. Personally, I don’t have an issue with it and I can’t figure out why so many juvenile drunk fratboys, who normally I can relate to, bashed him for it. That said, the T-shirt to the left is priceless. You can find it at Redlabelsports.com, “economically priced at $13 because Bama is going for their 13th National Championship.”
In case you’re wondering, Georgia Tech opened as a 2 1/2 point favorite over Iowa in the Orange Bowl. The line has since jumped to 3 1/2. Georgia opened as a 6-point favorite over Texas A&M in the Independence Bowl. But the line jumped to 7, I believe after the news that Willie Martinez would not coach in the game.
If you haven’t heard by now, former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis, who would be just another dreadful head coach if he also wasn’t such a dirt bag, did an exit interview with, “Irish Illustrated,” which is in the Rivals.com network. In this piece, he basically outed USC coach Pete Carroll for shacking up with a female grad student (not his wife) in Malibu. The only problem is that Carroll says it’s not true, not that it’s Weis’s business, anyway. Weis now says that he was speaking in “generalities” and the interview was taken out of context. But that seems like a strange thing to take out of context. And since when is Malibu a generality? But there is good news. Word is the Chicago Bears are looking at hiring Weis as their offensive coordinator. That means he would be coaching Jay Cutler. Seems like punishment enough.
Braves manager Bobby Cox said he doesn’t want to play a role in choosing his successor after the season, telling media members at the winter meetings in Indianapolis, “Honestly, I don’t want any part of that. That’s up to Frank [Wren] and John [Schuerholz] and the front-office people.” Here’s what I read into that: 1) Terry Pendleton just lost a vote; 2) Wren probably wasn’t going to let Cox make the call, anyway.
I know some people think too much is made of a sophomore slump. But if you try to dismiss Matt Ryan’s step back this season as insignificant, what about Joe Flacco? The Baltimore Ravens have mimicked the Falcons — they’re 6-6 after a 3-0 start — Flacco looked awful against Green Bay Monday night, throwing three interceptions. His numbers in the last five games: two touchdowns, six interceptions, 14 sacks. But at least all 10 of his toes work.
The Countdown hopes to one day become a top destination for celebrities to cry, laugh and tell their stories of infidelity to the world. However, it looks like we might lose out on the Tiger Woods interview. Oprah Winfrey is pushing hard for it, and she reads books and stuff. Other than money, power and fame, Winfrey doesn’t have a lot of advantages over The Count. But I imagine she has a really nice couch for Woods to sit (or jump) on. And it might be the only couch he hasn’t tested out lately.