“Hey. It’s me, Tiger. I need a really big favor. Can you PLEASE delete that Georgia Tech pick off your answering machine? Just replace it with another Notre Dame loss. OK? Nobody will notice. Quickly. Thanks.”
Before closing out this fiscal season with even more near-flawless projections, we have actual breaking news that doesn’t involve a 3-iron wielding Swedish runway model or 78 percent of the world’s apparently eligible females, including maybe the one who just cleared your dishes and the rest of your patty melt in alley No. 12.
This comes from Marietta, Ohio, where workers at a Goodwill store opened an antique metal water jug that had been donated and found several bags of marijuana with a value of $1,500.
Nobody knows if this means the person donating the marijuana will now claim a $1,500 tax deduction, or he’s too depressed to think about it. But Marietta officials have since noticed a significant increase in consumption of Doritos, microwave burritos and old couches.
You know, if only the Miami airport police could be brought in to investigate, I’m sure they can clear this whole thing up.
Which leads me to Michael Vick. (See? There’s always a transition.)
On Sunday, the remains of the Falcons face the Philadelphia Eagles and their famous backup quarterback, Michael Vick. Three months into his return, he’s still trying to break into double digits in attempted passes. I’m sure when Vick signed with the Eagles, his first goal was, “I hope I get to play as much as Chris Redman.”
Oy. Hopefully this game doesn’t turn into “West Side Story.” Maybe somebody brings a fake water jug and shares?
The Falcons are missing Matt Ryan, and probably Michael Turner. The Eagles are beat up themselves, but not to that extent. You can hope for a win and a playoff spot. But both are looking like long shots right now. About those pre-season projections. Can we just erase them off the machine?
Eagles cover 5 1/2.
(Sing in Cowardly Lion voice)
SEC title: Florida vs. Alabama. It’s No. 1 vs. No. 2 in the nation for a conference title, which almost certainly means only one will play for the B(c)S title. More the reason why if we can’t have playoffs, let’s just go back to the old system when every Homer Simpson-looking bowl official in green or orange polyester begged schools to come visit the Podunk Bowl. Matchups were better and several teams were in the rankings race.
Where was I? Oh yes. Mike Slive Nirvana.
This is officially Tim Tebow’s final SEC game. It’s officially a day of prayer in Athens.
Something I can’t figure out. Florida has won 22 straight games. But most of the reviews this season can be boiled down to one word: feh. Question: If the Gators are mediocre at 12-0, what would they be if they were great? I know. Florida’s defense will be missing a sauced defensive end, Carlos Dunlap. But I can’t pull the trigger on an upset when this team hasn’t lost since the last time a Dogs fan said, “Great game plan, Willie.”
Prediction: Gators over Tide and they cover the 5 1/2.
ACC title: Georgia Tech vs. Clemson. Both teams are coming off losses. If the ACC is looking for a mascot, Schleprock would be a good start.
Tech coach Paul Johnson caught heat for cracking that if a Jacket fan is tired of getting razzed by a Georgia fan for last week’s loss, he should, “Punch him in the face.” But what did you expect him to say: “Thank you sir, may I have another”?
OK. So I missed on the Tech pick last week. But I gave you the upset special: South Carolina over Clemson. Here’s another lock: Dabo Swinney peaked at average. I did some research (go with it). That six-game winning streak that made everybody in Clemson forget momentarily that they lived in Clemson? Only one win came over an opponent that finished with a winning record. That was Miami, which lost in overtime and totaled 433 yards in offense.
The Jackets’ defense ain’t much. But I just don’t see the Tigers stopping Johnson’s offense. Nor can I bring myself to type the words, “outcoached by Dabo.” One ACC team has to bounce back, right?
Prediction: Jackets over Tigers and they cover the 1.
Conference USA title: Just kidding.
Big 12 title: Texas vs. Nebraska. Mack Brown is a great coach and Texas is a great team, but giving up 39 points to 3-5 Texas A&M last week didn’t win the Big 12 any points. Nor will a conference title game with a 14-point spread — and a cover. Longhorns roll.
NFL Six Pack
Patriots at Dolphins: Bill Belichick sleeps with a light on ever since the New Orleans game. But there’s a significant dropoff from Drew Brees to Chad Henne. Patriots cover 5 1/2.
Titans at Colts: I’m not sure where the turnaround from reported suicidal thoughts to five straight wins ranks on the comeback scale. But I’d have to think Vince Young at least qualifies for a George Romero film. (Kids: Google.) Colts cover 6 1/2.
Saints at Redskins: I understand it’s tough for a Falcons’ fan to pull for the Saints. But think about this: Drew Brees (27 TD passes) vs. DeAngelo Hall. Now who are you pulling for? Subplot: New Orleans defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, drop-kicked by Dan Snyder, is kind of motivated. Saints win and cover 9 1/2 (barely).
Cowboys at Giants: The Giants beat Dallas in September, ruining the opening of “Jerry World,” although nobody seemed to notice because they all were either staring at go-go dancers, drinking Cristal, buying $37 Keith Brooking bobblehead dolls (it only smacktalks after trades),
sitting in on a time-share seminar, complimenting Muffy on her new perfectly matched cosmetic twins (a two-point conversion?) and going blind looking at the video screen. OK. Enough deep analysis. Cowboys cover 2.
Vikings at Cardinals: In the month of November, Brett Favre threw 12 touchdown passes with zero interceptions and had a quarterback rating of 129.4, give or take a bionic arm. He has killed my Fantasy team’s season, destroyed my belief in karma and makes me want to wear Wranglers. But I still wouldn’t mind if a real Viking clubbed him over the head. Do they exist in Scottsdale? Didn’t think so. Vikings cover 3.
Last week: 8-3 straight up, 5-6 against the line.
Bottom line: 99-43 straight up, 68-74 against the line.
Net profits: Still calculating.