Countdown looneys: Tiger, his lair, Holyfield and a Gator

The Count is the ultimate ladies' man.

The Count: Big with the ladies.

Let’s just state the obvious. The Count is a ladies man. His ancestors invented the hickey.  The reason he never has gotten married was he knew it would significantly limit what he does best. Count, I mean. What did you think I was talking about? One hottie, two hotties, three hotties. See, you just can’t do that when you’re married. In theory. Oh Tiger, let’s count down, shall we?

10. When a Swedish super model just isn’t enough

As somebody who blogs several times a day, constantly in the public eye, you can imagine how many women throw themselves at me. It never stops. But I suppose Tiger Woods has an even larger gallery than I do. (Only because of the Nike deal.) But here’s what I don’t get: His wife, Elin Nordegren, is beyond hot. What is he doing?

9. Using a 3-iron — oh, she got all of that one

Tiger has Elin waiting for him at home.

Tiger has Elin waiting for him at home.

The good news is that Woods did not fall off the same ledge as Steve Phillips, so he didn’t hit the drive-thru at ESPN’s Break Room Interns ‘R Us for his fling. Excuse me: alleged fling. No, he did much better. But when you’re married to a bikini model from Sweden — and by the way she has a twin sister, just thought I’d throw that in — is there not a point at which your ego, like, crosses the finish line? Instead, we have news that Woods allegedly was having an affair with New York “socialite” Rachel Uchitel, who is denying the relationship, yet strangely has just hired attorney Gloria Allred, ambulance-chasing equivalent for star scorned women. Folks, I really don’t care about the affair. Neither should you. That’s between Woods, Nordegren and the Swedish Bikini Models Union 684. But when TMZ and the National Enquirer are breaking news about Nordegren going bonkers and scratching

It turns out Rachel was a fan, too. (Not sure about the dogs.)

It turns out Rachel was a fan, too. (Not sure about the dogs.)

Woods’ face off and chasing him down the street at their country club home with a golf club (Nike, I’m sure) and busting out the windows of his Escalade, which he crashes into a fire hydrant and a tree — it’s news. And that’s why . . .

8. Yes, do you have any $4 million rings left in stock?

Woods doesn’t owe anybody an explanation. But he may not have a choice. Putting out a  statement that suggests his wife was trying to rescue him by breaking out the car window with the golf club –when the driver’s side door wasn’t even dented — just makes him look

Vanessa Bryant and her $4 million apology ring.

Vanessa Bryant and her $4 million apology ring.

stupid. He could say nothing. In theory, he should say nothing. But saying nothing is only going to make this worse. As for Woods and Noregren, I don’t know how all this impacts their wedded bliss. But if I’m Tiger, this would be a good time to shop for the Kobe Bryant diamond ring special. And then: stop counting.

7. Tiger: The betting windows are open

If Woods has a feeling how all of this might turn out, here’s a good way for him to cover some costs. Place a bet on himself. Bookmaker.com has posted odds on what will happen to Woods first. The favorite bet right now is that Woods and Nordegren stay married at plus-150 (wager $100 to profit $150). Also on the board: Tiger was under the influence (plus-200), Tiger gets a divorce (plus-225), Tiger admits the affair (plus-250), Tiger will buy Elin a ring (plus-400).

6. Dateline: Athens. Everything’s back to normal

Willie Martinez: He lives (still).

Willie Martinez: He lives (still).

It appears Mark Richt has the Georgia program back on track. The Bulldogs beat Georgia Tech, and the following night a player, Montez Robinson, was arrested for underage possession of alcohol. There is a certain comfort in familiarity, don’t you think? By the way, still no word on the fate of defensive coordinator Willie Martinez,  although Richt said on his radio show Monday night: “I think people think that just because we need to get better or make some kind of change — they think it always involves changing of people, too.  And that’s not always necessarily true.” I’m going to assume that comment was nothing more than a misdirection play.

5. Just when you thought Evander Holyfield had hit bottom…

Does any part of this sound good to you? Evander Holyfield vs. Francois Botha in Uganda. Holyfield, who turned 47 last month, will fight — check that — will occasionally collide with Botha, 41, in Uganda Jan. 17. The two will fight for something called the World Boxing Foundation title. If you’ve never heard of the World Boxing Foundation, well, that just makes you normal. Quoth Ken Sanders, Holyfield’s manager: “It’s not one of the top three [titles], it’s sort of in that next three.” There’s a next three? So this is like the Independence, Meineke Car Care and EagleBank Bowls?

4. Ethiopia, Korea, Uganda — what country will take him?

Meet Frans Botha, latest flotsam to fight Evander Holyfield.

Meet Frans Botha: ring flotsam.

Holyfield has gone from bad to sad to cartoon to … what comes after cartoon? He inexplicably is trying to get a real title shot again. He has angry creditors lined up in Fayette because he refuses to sell any of his property to pay off debts related to marriages, kids and a money-pit of a house. Still a great guy. Just stubborn and not a real clear-thinker at times. Fighting Botha (who recently came out of a five-year retirement and has been suspended for steroids in the past) will accomplish nothing, save more embarrassment. Holyfield recently had fights canceled in Ethiopia and Korea because the money fell through. Fact is, he’s not even going to Uganda for the Wednesday news conference. Why? Because the check for this one hasn’t landed in the mailbox yet. But Sanders feels confident. When asked if Holyfield cares that people will continue to mock him for this fight, Sanders said: “I think he cares. But he can only do what he can do.” Translation: Nobody else will fight him. I guess the  joke has gotten old.

3. So who gets the power play in this case?

Keith Ballard: dolt.

Keith Ballard: dolt.

Maybe you’ve seen this video by now. If not, behold: One of the dumbest moves by any athlete in the history of professional sports. After the Thrashers’ Ilya Kovalchuk scored a goal Monday night, Florida defenseman Keith Ballard was so upset that he attempted to swing his stick against the goal post. Problem was, he whacked his own goalie, Tomas Vokoun, in the head. The strangest thing is the video makes it appear that Ballard saw that he hit Vokoun but ignored him, then swung and hit the net again, then skated off. Fortuntely for the Panthers, Vokoun will be OK. It’s believed Ballard has gone missing. The Panthers deny any involvement but are selling his equipment on eBay.

2. Evander: How about fight at halftime of a UFL game!

The United Football League, which Michael Vick wisely sidestepped,  lost $30 million in its first season. You would think for $30 million, more people would realize the season was even played.

This is Carlos Dunlap when he's sober. And awake.

This is Carlos Dunlap (when sober).

Here’s a shocker: attendance fell short of projections. And yet: UFL commissioner Michael Huyghue said the league will move on to season two with six teams, yet to be named, but possibly in Uganda.

1. And finally:A Gator is arrested

Florida defensive lineman Carlos Dunlap, who was named MVP of last year’s national championship team, was arrested at 3:25 this morning in Gainesville when he was found passed out in his car at the stoplight. I’m not sure but I’m guessing the light had turned green a few times. Dunlap did not do well on a sobriety test, refused to take a breathalyzer test and was charged with DUI. Florida coach Urban Meyer hasn’t decided on Dunlap’s status yet. Probably has to check with Brandon Spikes first.

105 comments Add your comment

NC Braves Fan

December 1st, 2009
12:57 pm

First! what do I win?

Rodster

December 1st, 2009
12:58 pm

Coach Meyer will give Dunlap a good “talking to” before he lets him suit up for the SEC championship game.

gabeaux

December 1st, 2009
12:59 pm

I think Elin was practicing her short game using Tiger’s face as a mat. Old Swedish trick.

Rodster

December 1st, 2009
1:00 pm

You know H3ll has frozen over when Nick Saban and Alabama are the sentimental favorites.

dean

December 1st, 2009
1:00 pm

Interesting. I’m not going to say the obvious!

Lloyd Christmas

December 1st, 2009
1:01 pm

I fell off the jet way again…..

dean

December 1st, 2009
1:01 pm

Heck, I thought I had reached the pinnacle of blogging for once!

Rodster

December 1st, 2009
1:02 pm

Oh, so Elin was working on her “short” game?

Lloyd Christmas

December 1st, 2009
1:04 pm

I got worms!

Chris Broe

December 1st, 2009
1:04 pm

Is Elin’s twin sister older or younger?

Monday night shocker: Saints are night owls, and in New Orleans, the night time is the right time. The Pats could have won that game, but they are Sunday afternoon players.

It was a question of bio-rhythym. Saints’ was up. Pats’ was down.

Dont count Brady out. Dont count the Giants out. certainly Brett is in the mix. P. Manning too.

Football is great again.

Vick. The phillies send him in. Then a weird broken play develops. It’s uncanny. It’s like they’re baiting the league by portraying Vick as a clumsy oaf/fifth wheel nudnik. There may come a crunch time in the playoffs and look out for Vick then.

Does the body good

December 1st, 2009
1:04 pm

HEY EVERYONE! HOW BOUT A NICE, HOT BOWL OF 31-24!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

reebok

December 1st, 2009
1:05 pm

Got any pictures of twins, now that you mention it…?

Dan

December 1st, 2009
1:06 pm

sources are saying Meyer is going to suspend Dunlap for all of Florida’s offensive plays on Saturday.

Lloyd Christmas

December 1st, 2009
1:07 pm

The Monkees were a huge influence on the Beatles.

MiltonDawg

December 1st, 2009
1:08 pm

I wonder if Tiger had his OnStar working at the time? Can’t they help out all situations? Yes, UGA is back to normal, although i’m starting to think CMR won’t do a thing about Martinez. I think his plan is for more up/downs next year and wind sprints.

bugman

December 1st, 2009
1:10 pm

NC Braves Fan,

A cookie (it’s left over from T-giving, tho).

Toots

December 1st, 2009
1:12 pm

Oh Jeff…this is a dream post for you. You have a legitimate reason to post a bikini photo of Elin. Ka-ching!

Sonny Clusters

December 1st, 2009
1:13 pm

There is a lot of potential with this blog, Jeff. First, that goalie got a bad deal. When we was playing ball we never played hockey – but once Stinky Wintes was standing in the dugout and somebody took a practice swing and broke they bat over Stinky’s head and it didn’t hardly faze Stinky Wintes. It did raise a stink, though. Second, Tiger Woods may be in hiding because they is a Taylor made emblem on his head and not a Nike swoosh. If he’d play around on Elin he’d probably play around on Nike, too. Last, if Mark Richt is going to be head coach he should be able to decide who going to help him. Better to go down with his own choices than with someone else’s. Richt, not Tiger. This is all very confusing. Lots of arrests this week. How many SEC and how many ACC?

Rachel Uchitel Pics « Wilson's Blog

December 1st, 2009
1:13 pm

[...] Countdown looneys: Tiger, his lair, Holyfield and a Gator | Jeff … [...]

Law Dawg

December 1st, 2009
1:14 pm

Great article Jeff. You seldom fail to bring laughter and in some cases, real insight to the world. Thanks.

7-5

December 1st, 2009
1:17 pm

Bryan G.

December 1st, 2009
1:17 pm

I think Meyer will suspend Dunlap for the game and then Dunlap will change it to just the first quarter.

I Run This State

December 1st, 2009
1:20 pm

30-24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO SO SO glad this hurts the Nerds so bad!!!!! It’s going to be a great year on the blogs!!!

Nobody gives a _____ if Tech wins the ACC, or even the Orange Bowl….. they wil only be #3 in the state!!!!!

1. UGA
2. Georgia State
3. Georgia Tech

Eat your words for the last year Techies!!! EPIC FAIL!!!!!!

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA TECH!!!!

Schultzie…… we are still waiting for the next “Paul Johnson is a Football Genius” article!!!! The way things are going up in Gwinnett County, Parkview or Brookwood might have a spot open for him soon!!!

1-9, 12 wins vs. UGA since 1965. Must suck to be a Nerd!!!!!!

SadDawg

December 1st, 2009
1:25 pm

Great pics. Coulda just left it at that…..Haha!

East Atlanta

December 1st, 2009
1:25 pm

SEC referees have determined, after reviewing the tape, that Carlos Dunlap is wide awake and stone sober.

SimpleDawg

December 1st, 2009
1:27 pm

You’re married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, you have billions of dollars, and your job is playing golf.

Do you jeopardize all of that for a little strange on the side?……allegedly.

If there’s any truth to his infidelity….then never again do I want to hear about how smart Tiger is.

Unbelievable !

FalconUGAFan

December 1st, 2009
1:28 pm

@dan and bryanG That was pure comedy my friends…. Of course we have our own arrestee…

You know I think us Dawg fans should heed the plight of ramble on, yellow fuzz and m and put a cap on the taunting. Lets say no taunting after Saturday. I sure would hate to see you guys have to eat a plate of GT crow next year. They are a pretty good football team. Just sayin :)

Orange Bowl Committee

December 1st, 2009
1:34 pm

………Which powerhouse is Georgia gonna play?
Louisiana-Monroe or Louisiana-Lafayette in the Shreveport Independence Bowl

Tide Rising

December 1st, 2009
1:35 pm

Sad to see Holyfield come to this station in life. But poor money management, that money pit of a house, and multiple kids by multiple women did him in. That and unfortunately like you said stubbornness.

Uganda of all places? Well, at least Idi Amin isn’t around anymore.

True enough Elin is beyond hot. But no matter how hot a woman is eventually a man gets tired of her bool sheet and he’ll start to meander.

Dunlap and a DUI. Word is that Meyer wants to suspend him for only the first half which sounds hard to believe. Normally I think players get suspended several games for a DUI. I remember Colquitt at UT got suspended 5 games for a DUI by Fulmer and I think the one or 2 Bama players that I can remember getting DUIs got 1 or 2 game suspensions. 1/2 a game would be unheard of though especially considering he is underage to begin with. He’s a great player and there will be a dopoff to the next guy behind him. But it shouldn’t matter that much considering Florida is loaded with talent anyway.

Tide Rising

December 1st, 2009
1:38 pm

Orange bowl committee,

Don’t underestimate Lousiana-Monroe. I heard they won a big upset a few years back.

Innocent Bystander

December 1st, 2009
1:38 pm

I’ll be the one to say it… Doesn’t it look like he intentionally whacked his goalie?

And for the record… 10-2 > 7-5 and ACCCG > bowling in Shreveport

SadDawg

December 1st, 2009
1:42 pm

Tiger broke a rule of the wealthy that a wealthy man once laughing told me about: don’t sleep with someone unless they have at least as much to lose as you do. For Tiger to follow that rule, however, the only girl-on-the-side who would qualify is Queen Elizabeth, right?

jeffrey d

December 1st, 2009
1:42 pm

And for the record… 10-2 > 7-5 and ACCCG > bowling in Shreveport

For the record, 30>24.

[...] Countdown looneys: Tiger, his lair, Holyfield and a Gator | Jeff … [...]

EW

December 1st, 2009
1:46 pm

I am thinking Dunlap will be suspended by Meyer for half the game….the half where the offense is on the field

falcon 71

December 1st, 2009
1:49 pm

Tiger should know to keep it on the qt. thats what god made hookers for

SadDawg

December 1st, 2009
1:50 pm

Uh oh, Richt did this after last season with the “promises” of “working harder than ever improving defense, penalties, and special teams,” and we all know how that turned out. The staff all got raises….

Gary

December 1st, 2009
1:51 pm

FalconUGAFan – I like the rest of the Dawg fans will taunt for a little while about the recent game and then go back to the usual Tech jokes that all Dawg fans love and enjoy. Ramble On, yellow fuzz, m, thank god and greyhound, and that moron saint simons only talked about one thing and that was 45-42.

I do see a new trend for the bees and that is to talk about Shreveport as if the Dawgs are actually going to play there. Hey bumbles, thanks to our win over you, the Dawgs will likely play in Atlanta or Nashville. It is highly unlikely that UGA falls below either of those two bowls. It is really up to which one wants South Carolina. Either way they will be both fun games against an ACC team and both will be sellouts……which is a far cry from what you will see Saturday in the ACC Championship.

Red and Black

December 1st, 2009
1:58 pm

The 7-5 dawgs will be met at the Shereveport Greyhound Bus Station by the Welcoming Committee.

SadDawg

December 1st, 2009
2:00 pm

Richt’s reply: “I’m not going to make any comment about anything like that. I think people think that just because we need to get better or make some kind of change — they think it always involves changing of people, too. And that’s not always necessarily true. But, you know, we’re going to get things back on track, I can promise you that.”

SadDawg

December 1st, 2009
2:01 pm

Promises, promises…..

FalconUGAFan

December 1st, 2009
2:08 pm

Gary– I’m with ya….It has been very quiet from that quarter…..and that was a very nice taunt. You actually spoke words rather than post numbers…carry on….

Sonny Clusters

December 1st, 2009
2:09 pm

Jeff, breaking news. Tiger has more trouble than we knew. Turns out he lives across the street from the Addams Family . . . and that can’t be good. The Addams Family has hired a lawyer to talk with the press. The Addams Family is in Tiger’s corner – saying there was no indication Tiger was beaten by his wife. That may have been Lurch talking. Now, another woman is claiming Tiger was cheating with her. All Tiger wants is a little privacy.

74Dawg

December 1st, 2009
2:11 pm

Jeff, I can’t believe this hasn’t gotten more hits. The Ed. needs to tease the Elin pic on the main page. What did you do to p*** him off? Nice blog,but is Evander even cable news worthy anymore?

Hillbilly Deluxe

December 1st, 2009
2:16 pm

As somebody who blogs several times a day, constantly in the public eye, you can imagine how many women throw themselves at me. It never stops.

Nap time’s over Jeff. Back to work.

The move by Keith Ballard has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve seen in sports and I’ve been watching since the early 60’s. I do wonder what the NHL will do. If he’d hit an opposing player he’d probably be gone for a year. Should the penalty for being careless (or stupid) with your stick be any different because it was your teammate?

Lou

December 1st, 2009
2:18 pm

Innocent Bystander..10-2 > 7-5..assuming all the other relevant data is equal..but as 30-24 proved Saturday night..10-2 in the ACC ACC. Based on the physical whooping Tech took up front on both sides of the line of scrimmage Saturday night, do you really belive you win 10 in the SEC? If so, you are an ignorant fan who does not know the game. Georgia has struggled this year..with turnovers and penalties..but when push comes to shove (which literally happens in the trenches of the line of scrimmage), the SEC athletes are stronger, tougher, quicker, and have to perform at a high level week in and week out. While you may not respect a Kentucky, Auburn, Arkansas, LSU, South Carolina etc thinking they are middle of the road teams..they are infinitely tougher than a Duke, Wake Forest, Virginia, Maryland, Virgina, etc…Week in..week out..SEC games are hard fought and physical…The Dogs brought it Saturday night gashing a Tech team that looked like it didn’t know how to hit because it didn’t have to do it all year. 2 mediocre SEC teams just beat your conference champion representatives. The SEC keeps winning national titles and will play for another one this season. 10-2>7-5 until you input all the relevant data..like SEC>ACC

Congrats to you on your upcoming bowl trip. Wherever you go, it will be better than a snowy game in late December or one on blue carpet like you are used to attending. Celebrate your 10 wins. It is a cause for celebration at Tech. 10 wins is the minimum acceptable standard for the Dogs (not a once every 20 years accomplishment). When we fall below that like we have done this year, people lose their jobs. We know we had an unaccaptable year in Athens..but in our worst season in 15 years, we still beat your best team in 20 years. I know it’s tough but accept the reality.

Gary

December 1st, 2009
2:22 pm

Thanks FalconUGAFan. Ramble On has been around a time or two, but the rest of the nerd herd hasn’t been seen and last I heard is the other five Tech fans are forming a search party for their lost brothers. The one clue they have in finding them is a game of WoW that has been going non-stop since Saturday night and haunting cries of “Caleb King just scored again” coming from the residence that is hosting the WoW game.

As for Tiger Woods – didn’t Earl teach him never to argue with a woman who could swing a club better than he can? Just hope for Tiger’s sake she used a Nike. :)

Top Dawg

December 1st, 2009
2:25 pm

Jeff: Will the UGA program continue to stagnate? :-(

Lowcountry Bulldawg

December 1st, 2009
2:25 pm

If we are going to make fun of Tech at least get the SCORE RIGHT!!!!

31-24? Really? LMAO!

Ricky

December 1st, 2009
2:27 pm

Shultzie, you media people make up your own truths as you go. You even managed to squeeze
in a mention of Vick in here, you just can’t help yourself can you? You don’t care about the affair?Let me lift my feet up on that one. You use words like “What is he doing?” to supplant the idea of guilt yet it drives you crazy that Woods can thumb his nose at the media and the idea that he owes anyone an explanation. You add the obligatory “alleged” but you hate the fact that if you don’t you are in danger of being liable. Pisses you off doesn’t it. This picture of Woods “alleged” fling is the first I have seen of this Rachel, was that the best one you could find? I’ve seen better looking women in the Dagwood comic strip. I don’t blame them for feeling compelled to keep their private life private………..look what you and the media do with it, you make up what you want us to think the truth is all in an effort to sell this fiction. Even you are quoting TMZ and the National Enquirer
as credible sources. That’s when it’s news…….absolutely.
She hired Gloria Allred? Now what? We know Gloria called her first. Is she going to claim she was drugged in a hotel room even though she was on cycle.
Yep, sounds like a couple had a fight, might have even been about a “rumored” affair. I had a fight with my wife last night and I am sure you don’t give a crap about that. Well it is the same with me about the Woods’s square off, I don’t give a crap. They’ll either work it out or get a divorce………..who cares, it’s life, it happens! Oh, and I know you are dying to know. No, I did not hit the fire hydrant and yes, we worked it out.