A Massachusetts woman this week posted an ad on Craigslist seeking donations so that she could pay for her turkey’s eye surgery, which one of my professors back in Interpretive Journalism would say almost certainly indicates she doesn’t hold stock in Butterball, there’s no government option for poultry either, and at least one five-star recruit of the lunatic fringe managed to elude PETA.
Hello, and Happy Thanksgiving to all those at the top of the food chain. This would not include Lyndsey Medeiros or her pet turkey Jerry or PETA, which this week issued a news release that began, “Thanksgiving can be the scariest time of the year if you’re a turkey. More than 45 million of these fascinating birds are killed to disgrace Thanksgiving tables each year.”
Let me just say this: If turkeys had a choice, they’d be blasting our heads off, slapping us fascinating creatures on a platter next to the stuffing and yelling at their TV sets, “Why do I have to watch the Lions again!” That would be except for the one turkey seeking corrective lenses for her pet human, Jerry.
PETA has had a busy week. You probably read that the organization wants Georgia to replace the late Uga VII with an animatronic dog or a costumed mascot, because apparently a real bulldog’s heart just can’t take it. Dudes, have you seen this team? No species can take it. It wasn’t an asteroid that caused the extinction of dinosaurs, it was a Willie Martinez game plan.
It’s about to get worse. The Dogs had a better team last season when Georgia Tech rang up 45 points. Losing to Kentucky doesn’t project improvement. Real research: 26 turnovers have led to 102 opponent points.
Maybe it’s catatacts? No matter. It’ll be a Tech feast. Jackets cover 7.
(Combo meal: add fries and copy of “Winning plays by Charlie Weis,” now in wallet size.)
Alabama at Auburn: Tommy Tuberville lost to Alabama last year after thumping the Tide six straight years, so you can understand the booster pea-brains wanting to dump him because, well, it had been four years since he went undefeated. Strap in Tigers: It’s going to be a long bumpy ride with Nick Saban in Tuscaloosa. Bammy covers 10 1/2.
FSU at Florida: With rumors circulating about the shuttle to South Bend, Urban Meyer told Gator Nation this week, “I’ll stay as long as they’ll have me.” Either that’s a clip-and-save moment for when he does leave or everybody in Athens just said, “Oy.” Florida covers 24 1/2.
Notre Dame at Stanford: The point spread on this game has jumped from 5 1/2 to 10 1/2. That happens only in cases of plague, locusts or Charlie Weis. Is it possible to relish a face plant any more than this? Cardinal covers the number.
Clemson at South Carolina: I know: There’s no stopping C.J. Spiller. I know: South Carolina hasn’t won a game of significance since Mississippi two months ago. But I still see, “Steve Spurrier vs. Dabo Swinney,” and think, “Tilt.” Poultry Payback! Gamecocks in an upset (but take the 3).
Arkansas at LSU: Bobby Petrino has won two straight SEC games. Stop the madness: Tigers cover 3 1/2 vs. Piggies.
Sick Bay at Falcons: The Buccaneers are 1-9, fired their defensive coordinator this week and their offensive coordinator 10 days before the season. If Falcons blow this, they might as well get lost in the self-help section at Barnes & Noble. Injury update: Coach Mike Smith lists everybody from the Hundred Years’ War as day-to-day, keeping within NFL policy. Falcons cover 12.
Patriots at Saints: The Saints (10-0) are trying to do what the Patriots did two years ago — the 16-0 part, not the choke-away-the-Super-Bowl-that-forced-me-to-live-out-of-a-cardboard-box-part. Actual factual: Tom Brady has five straight games over 300 yards. Take the 3, but New England wins this straight up.
Bears at Vikings: Brett Favre was 22 for 25 with four touchdowns last week against Seattle. If you wondered what it would take to make his season even better, the answer was Jim Mora’s defense. Vikes cover 10 1/2.
Redskins at Eagles: The Skins are still missing running back Clinton Portis, who has a concussion. Portis says he is suffering from blurred vision and has seen six or seven doctors. Or maybe it was three or four. Philly wins but take Washington and 9 1/2.
Dolphins at Bills: Bill Cowher, Jon Gruden and Mike Holmgren have said no, so now Buffalo is pursuing Mike Shanahan. I guess it’s commendable that the Bills want to shoot for the top in their coaching hire. But isn’t this sort of like “Steak ‘n Shake” trying to lure a chef from “Bones?” Dolphins cover 3 on the road.
Last week (we won!): 9-2 straight up, 7-4 against the line.
So far, so feh: 92-40 straight up, 63-68 against the line.