It has been a big week at Georgia Tech, and not just because the football team is preparing to clinch the Coastal Division. Researchers made tremendous progress in answering two of the world’s great questions: 1) What is the Coastal Division? 2) How do we get a gorilla to take a blood pressure test?
Yes, the best stuff is the stuff you don’t have to make up. That’s why I’m happy to report that some great minds at Georgia Tech, Emory and Zoo Atlanta collaborated to get Ozzie, a
48-year-old gorilla, to voluntarily submit to a blood pressure test. I can only assume Ozzie needed the test for the usual reasons, those being beer, nachos, stress, the guy from Duluth by the gorilla cage who keeps pretending to be a gorilla, teenage drivers, health care, more beer and the kickoff to Sarah Palin’s book tour, for which she’s receiving $7 million, which I guess she earned by submarining an election, resigning as governor before her first term ended, swimming in a pool of potential ethics violations and having a wonderfully dysfunctional family.
Back to the gorilla. I’m really not sure why we need to know his blood pressure. I don’t care if he smokes two packs a day. I just want to know if this will lead to other medical “breakthroughs”? Because if Ozzie’s really 48 — dude, there’ a test the doctors made me take at that age and I sure ain’t telling him.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Tech-Duke. If the Jackets win, they’ll clinch a spot in the ACC title game. Duke’s not a joke anymore. They’re just a little bit of a fraud.
The line is 13. Monkey want 13 bananas? No. Relax. Jackets cover.
Auburn at Georgia: BowWows coach Mark Richt is fed up with penalties. He says he’ll yank any player who’s flagged. I suppose the lack of intelligence and discipline could be traced back to the coaching staff. But let’s not quibble in November, shall we? Dogs win but take Auburn and 4 1/2.
Tennessee at Mississippi: Three Vols players were charged with armed robbery this week. Pretty sure that’s not an SEC record. But as Steve Spurrier would say, “You can’t spell San Quentin without the U and the T.” Rebels cover 5.
Florida at South Carolina: Used to be a big deal, Spurrier vs. the Gators. But he’s lost the last two meetings 51-31 and 56-6 and now it’s starting to look like Holmes-Ali. Stop the fight, ref. Gators cover 15 1/2.
Alabama at Mississippi State: Tide coach Nick Saban defended SEC officials and commissioner Mike Slive in the aftermath of another blown call in the LSU game, which of course went Bama’s way, although I’m sure that had nothing to do with Saban’s position. Fruit basket, Mike? Tide covers 12.
FSU at Wake Forest: The Noles can forget about a bowl if they lose. The reaction at FSU depends on whether or not you’re sitting in a Board of Trustees meeting, sharpening your kaiser blade. Of course, some folks call it a sling blade. Deacs cover 5.
(Super size with a sideline rumble for 99 cents)
Falcons at Carolina: Coach Mike Smith declined comment on being fined by the NFL Thursday, other than a brief statement that read, “I am Spartacus.” The Falcons need an uprising. At 5-3, they can’t afford a loss, with three of the next four games coming against the Giants (road), Eagles and Saints. The secondary is being held together by duct tape, but here’s some good news: Steve Smith, only one touchdown. Birds cover 1 1/2.
Cowboys at Packers: Tony Romo has been really good lately (last four games: nine TDs, one interception, 62.4 percent passing). Throw your calendars away. You’ll know it’s the first day of winter when his head explodes. Meanwhile, how did the Packers give up 38 points to the Bucs? Dallas covers 3.
Eagles at Chargers: Philly cornerback Joselio Hanson was suspended for testing positive for a diuretic, which his agent says wasn’t to mask steroids but rather because his client “felt bloated” after eating Chinese food. What was the backup excuse? Aliens abducted me and injected me with bumetanide? Take the 2 but Eagles win this straight up.
Patriots at Colts: Peyton Manning vs. Bill Belichick is always great theater. Patriots’ problem: Manning has been sacked a league-low five times in eight games. So explains why Belicheat gave tasers to his front. (Commish: Burn the tape.) Colts cover 3.
Chiefs at Raiders: It’s been a good week in Oakland. Tom Cable hasn’t punched any assistants, ex-wives or girlfriends. Al Davis — now there’s a guy he should punch. Mini-upset time: Chiefs win (but take the 1 1/2).
Lions at Vikings: Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson were angry at each other for about five minutes, then compared bank accounts and realized all is good. Well, most is good. Here comes Brett Favre following a bye: Thor covers 16 1/2.
Last week: 9-2 straight up, 6-5 against the number.
Season to date: 74-34 straight up, 51-57 against the number.
Lock of the week: Deadbolt.