Before revealing this week’s absolute financial locks, not to be confused with some previous absolute financial locks that I was only joking about, which you would have realized had you only sent me the $49.95 for our pre-season, “Ignore These Picks and 100 Recipes with Mayonnaise Code Book,” we have some news.
A Florida mail man was found passed out in his delivery truck this week, drunk with a blood alcohol level somewhere between .264 and a blowtorch. The man told police he drank wine all night and then, I’m not making this up, a half-bottle of mouthwash to cover up the smell. What
followed, of course, were lowered inhibitions, “special delivery” pick up lines, hitting on every passing woman, Chevy and Labrador, and something about turning over play-calling to Sherman Lewis, who was last seen at a bingo game in a senior’s center.
Hey. Does Dan Snyder deliver the mail?
This week, the Falcons play the remains of the Washington Redskins. Skins fans have been drunk since August and don’t plan on making coffee until January. Snyder has turned a proud franchise into a slimy, greeny, gobby mess that even Al Davis would look at and say, “Yech,” if Al Davis was alive today. Since 1999, Snyder has employed six coaches and 10 starting quarterbacks. Most today can be found in the back of a mail truck. Jim Zorn will get there, just as soon as he recovers from being gelded.
If the Falcons don’t win this, there won’t be enough mouthwash in the world. Matt Ryan: say hello to DeAngelo Hall. Mail call: Falcons cover 10.
Tennessee Tech at Trembing Chihuahuas: It’s homecoming in Athens. Great timing. Parade? Anybody? Georgia is 4-4. The last time the Dogs sank to this latitude, Jim Donnan was going 5-6 with a splitting Ray Goff hangover. You know, this really would be a good time to wear all black. But it’s punk the Ohio Valley Conference week. Found one unofficial line that says Dogs by 12. It’s covered.
Wake Forest at Georgia Tech: The Jackets keep rolling with their we’ll-make-you-cry-and-leave-the-light-on-when-you-go-to-bed offense. Wake’s only ACC wins this season have come over Maryland (1-3) and N.C. State (0-4). The Jackets have outscored them by 101 (317-216). Uncle. The 16 is covered.
LSU at Alabama: The winner moves on to the SEC title game for the right to have Florida rip their eyeballs out. So to speak. Wonder how Nick Saban feels knowing Les Miles has a better record (49-12) than he did (48-16) in Baton Rouge? Adding to the inferno: Tide’s Luther Davis claims Miles called him a “traitor” and referred to Saban as “the devil” when he de-committed from LSU. Feel the love. Smell the brimstone. Bama covers 7 1/2.
Vanderbilt at Florida: SEC czar Mike Slive gave his blessing to Urban Meyer’s one- first-half suspension of Brandon Spikes, which even Spikes disagreed with. Then he chose not to fine Meyer after public criticism of a non-personal foul call against Georgia. This came after Slive’s edict to cease and desist all criticism of officials. Question: Does Slive also blow on Meyer’s soup at night? Gators win but give me Vandy and 35. (UPDATE: Slive just fined Meyer $30,000 for his comments! Lover’s spat? Do I take back the soup comment? Uh, no. But here’s the commish’s statement: “Coach Meyer has violated the Southeastern Conference Code of Ethics. SEC Bylaw 10.5.4 clearly states that the coaches, players and support personnel shall refrain from public criticism of officials. The league’s Athletics Directors and Presidents and Chancellors have made it clear that negative public comments on officiating are not acceptable.” OK, we’ll give him one Mulligan.
Florida State at Clemson: Defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews says he’s retiring. Wait. I thought he was already dead. Tigers cover 8 1/2.
South Carolina at Arkansas: Bobby Petrino, molder of men, looked brilliant after starting eight new players in a win over Eastern Michigan. Too bad he doesn’t play Mid-American Conference teams every week. Actually, he might one day. He’s 3-10 in the SEC. Oops. Take the Gamecocks and 7 but Arkansas ekes out a win.
Virginia at Miami: The Hurricanes have gone from a top 10 team (wins over Georgia Tech, Okalhoma) to a stack of Rorschach ink blot cards (loss to Clemson, one-point win over Wake). Forgive me, padre: Canes cover 13 1/2.
Cowboys at Eagles: Dallas wide receiver Roy Williams referenced teammate and rising star Miles Austin this week when he said, “I’m the No. 1 receiver. But things are just going No. 2’s way.” Now we see why he can’t run a route. Dude can’t possibly the difference between left and right when he doesn’t even know his 1’s from his 2’s. Eagles cover 3.
Packers at Bucs: The Packers are on the road. Their only hope is that when they return, Brett Favre hasn’t renamed Lambeau and overthrown the state of Wisconsin. Pack covers 9 1/2.
Panthers at Saints: If the Saints win, they’ll tie their win total from a year ago with eight games left. Elsewhere in Fantasyland, Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian are looking for a house together and she dressed up as Snow White and Jasmine at a Halloween party. One day, this will all make sense. Saints cover 13 1/2.
(Another bad week. Think I need a new set of darts?)
Last week: 7-4 straight up, 4-7 against the number.
Season to date: 65-32 straight up, 45-52 against the number.
Net profits: I’ll get back to you on that.