Weekend Predictions: Falcons stun the colonies!

Chalkboard contributions this week from Bob Beard (Whale sharks) and Stephen Buckner (Traitor Bowl). Got a suggestion. Drop it in the suggestion box below or hit me on Twitter or Facebook.

Chalkboard contributions this week from Bob Beard (Whale sharks) and Stephen Buckner (Traitor Bowl). Got a suggestion? Drop it in the suggestion box below or hit me on Twitter or Facebook.

For those who aren’t familiar with their history, the New England Patriots used to be called the Boston Patriots, until 1971 when they moved to Foxborough, Mass., and apparently decided to become the team for all English Pilgrims from the 1600s who might still be lingering in parts of

This is what happens when you try to take a picture of Tom and Gigi.

Sometimes they don't say, "Cheese."

Rhode Island, New Hampshire and possibly New Brunswick, since nobody else was really claiming them, anyway.

New England was the birthplace of American literature and free public education. Also clam chowder, the Cheers bar, Will Hunting, the concept of the world coming to an end at least three times a week, the drunk obnoxious sports fan, the unusual practice of firing bullets at wedding photographers and secretly filming opposing coaches’ signals to build a spy film library the size of the Pentagon.

tomgiselseThis week, the Falcons, of only little Atlanta, visit the New England Patriots. What interesting times. The Falcons are 2-0. Tom Brady lost a game last week. So ends the world again. If that’s not enough, Brady is being sued for $1 million by two photographers who claim they were shot at — presumably with muskets — when they tried to take pictures of his Costa Rica wedding to noted hottie Gisele Bundchen and her Plymouth Rocks.

It’s not known if Brady actually ordered anybody to fire at the photographers, or if his head of security, Bill Belichick, just did that on his own. I’m sure there’s film of it somewhere, assuming Roger Goodell hasn’t destroyed it again.

The Falcons are only 4-point underdogs. Who would’ve thought that a year ago? But even if Brady’s ills are exaggerated, the Pats’ defense is legitimately mediocre. I see the future. Condos in Bangor! Take the four. But Falcons win in a straight upset.

YOUR MOM GOES TO COLLEGE

Arizona State at Doggies: Mark Richt lectured fans this week about leaving garbage

Now remember: bottles and cans go in one can, garbage and gameplans go in another.

Bottles go in one can; trash, gameplans in another.

everywhere after tailgating. Hey, here’s an idea. Given the defense has allowed 78 points in the last two games, just ask Willie Martinez to pick it up after the game. Or during it. Joe Cox has convinced me. But the rest of the team? Notsomuch. The Sun Devils are coached by Dennis Erickson. Pell Grants to the first 10,000 fans. (Google.) Dogs win but don’t cover 11 1/2.

North Carolina at Jackets: The good thing about Tech having such a mediocre start is coach Paul Johnson doesn’t have to pretend to hate everything now. The defense that can’t stop you or me. The offense was supposed to take a step forward but not down where the manhole cover used to be. OK. I’ve got a feeling. And I have no idea why. Jackets cover 2 1/2.

Hades Bowl (Arkansas at Alabama): When Bobby Petrino and Nick Saban meet at midfield, it’ll be the greatest pairing since Sacco and Vanzetti. Newsflash: Bama has a better defense than Georgia. But 17 points seem like a lot. Tide wins but won’t cover.

Miami at VaTech: I figured the Hurricanes were for real when they beat FSU. They confirmed it when they knocked Georgia Tech back through the Bill Lewis time warp (aaaggh!). Still waiting for the Hokies to not look like Music City Bowl material. Miami wins and covers 2 1/2.

That's Tim Tebow, of course, trying to rally the troops again.

Tim Tebow tries to rally the troops in a previous life.

Florida at Kentucky: Urban Meyer is covering his bases again. He wants everybody to know that if the Gators struggle with Kentucky, it’s because 27 players have lingering hamstring injuries suffered in a previous life during the Franco-Prussian War. So don’t ask about the Tennessee game again, OK? Gators cover 21 1/2.

Ohio at Tennessee: The Vols are better than we thought. Ohio barely defeated Cal Poly, whose quarterback can’t get dates and shouts out quadratic equations at the line of scrimmage and, well, you wouldn’t believe how often they’re called for delay of game. (You expected me to break down blocking schemes?) Vols cover 22 1/2.

Vanderbilt at Rice: The Commodores just lost to Mississippi State, 15-3. So I guess it was either play Rice or knock over a Girl Scout cookie stand this week. Vandy covers 8.

Ball State at Auburn: What is this –fan waterboarding week?

LSU at Mississippi State: Between this and the last two games against Vandy and Louisiana-Lafayette, LSU should be well rested for Georgia. Sleeping, even. Tigers cover 12 1/2.

NFL SNACK PACK

I asked Jessica how many playoff games Romo has won but she missed by two.

I asked Jessica how many playoff games Tony Romo has won. She missed by two.

Carolina at Dallas: After the Cowboys lost to the Giants, Terrell Owens dispatched on Twitter, “Dallas just found out they had a T.R. problem not a T.O problem.” Actually, the only difference between Owens and Tony Romo is the Cowboys are still paying Romo. Does this mean Jessica Simpson wasn’t the problem? Dallas wins but won’t cover 9.

Saints at Bills: Drew Brees has thrown nine TD passes, which would really excite me if he were on my Fantasy League team. But imagine how much his stats must bother T.O. New Orleans covers 6.

Bears at Seahawks: Seattle lists 13 players on the injury report this week, not including Jim Mora, who set himself on fire after Washington upset USC, meaning the Huskies job won’t open again until 2027. Chicago cover 2 on the road.


THURSDAY WEB-ONLY SPECIAL

Old Ms. at Old Carolina: Steve Spurrier is 0-5 against Top 5 teams since committing career suicide and going to South Carolina. Fortunately, I’m still not sure anybody believes Mississippi is ranked fourth, and I’m including everybody in Mississippi. Wait, I get 3 points, too? Give me the points but Gamecocks pull off an upset.

NEED TO CATCH UP ON PREVIOUS EPISODES OF WEEKEND PREDICTIONS? CLICK HERE.

fbgamble

Credits and (mostly) debits

Last week: 6-4 straight up, 5-5 against the line.

Bottom line: 18-11 straight up, 11-18 against the line.

Sunrise: 7:27 (lock).

126 comments Add your comment

Tech82

September 24th, 2009
9:39 am

As much as I hope the Falcons win this weekend, our defense still scares me. If we walk away with a W Sunday, I’ll be a believer.

GO BIG ORANGE

September 24th, 2009
9:41 am

I can’t remember, Jeff. Have you ever picked the Vols to win AND cover? It has been frustrating the last two seasons having a Top 10 defense but having a QB who couldn’t hit the ocean if the waves were washing against his feet. Maybe next year. Even though we have an unbelievable bad QB, at least we have a great defense, and the best looking coach’s wife in the conference…so I guess two out of three helps.

SimpleDawg

September 24th, 2009
10:05 am

The Falcons can beat the Patriots….the question is, will they. They’d better put a lot more pressure on Tom Terrific than they put on Jake the Fake, or the scoreboard will light up like a pinball machine. Birds by six.

The Dawgs will beat up the Sun Devils….should be a good game for the running backs.

UNC will stifle the Techbone. An athletic Tarheel front seven will control the Techmites’ offense, and the Baby Blue offense will score enough points to win the game. PJ’s stupid players fail again. The Pseudo Genius has another meltdown.

Satan vs Judas…..hope they both lose….Satan has more evil agents of destruction.

Ole Miss beats the former Evil Genius. The Rebels have too much firepower for the Warrior Chickens and pluck them clean in the second half.

Dallas whips the Pudthers…..Jake gets treated very rudely in Jerry’s Funhouse.

Karma Police

September 24th, 2009
10:06 am

GBO. You are being modest. You may have the best looking coach’s wife in history.

JSS

September 24th, 2009
10:11 am

Jeff Schultz, LEAVE THE LINE alone!!! Never mention it, never think about it, never let it touch your keyboard!

If any team has a spread above 15 points, the oddsmakers are playing you for a fool!

JSS

September 24th, 2009
10:14 am

Leonard’s Losers called and wants their 1970’s jokes back from SD… “Warrior Chickens,” you’ve got to be dropping something…

Pitbull

September 24th, 2009
10:25 am

Since rain is forecast for Saturday and it never rains in Arizona, I expect the Sun Devil players to go frantically scurrying around the field pointing to the sky and screaming in a frenzy about how the earth is ending. I also wonder how their offense and defense works when they are accustomed to practicing and playing in dry heat. Remember the “Welcome to Hell” signs when we went out there to play?

Hope it is humid and warm and moist during the game. Most western teams melt in those conditions.

I remember when Oregon State came to Athens one time with the big 6′8″ 300 pound linemen and dominated for about the first 15 minutes. Then the climate factor kicked in. A Georgia man wold hit them and they would just roll over on their backs and wait for the whistle to blow for them to get up for the next play. It was a beautiful thing. I hope it happens to Arizona State saturday night.

bowman

September 24th, 2009
10:28 am

Congratulations, Jeff. For the first time this Century, you made an Ole Miss prediction that didn’t include a racial connotation. I’m happy to welcome you to new era. I also welcome you to travel to Oxford, Miss., to see the new, better world that is the University of Mississippi. Unfortunately, with AJC cutbacks on travel, it’ll have to be on your own dime.

Too bad you new found respect for Ole Miss didn’t include the Rebels football team. You’re giving an aging (former) genius too much credit and certainly not enough credit to the SEC’s best DL, which is backed by high-quality LBs and safeties; the CBs give me the shakes. The ‘Cocks do have a future All-Pro LB but Ole Miss has far too many weapons on offense. Jevan Snead, the QB, gets all the press but watch RB Brandon Bolden, this could be his coming out game for the national media. (Ole Miss got him away from LSU only because the Tigers insisted that he play LB. Miles will regret that decision for three more years.

Ole Miss 28, South Carolina 24.

bowman
– -
“Art will always be Art.” – Goethe

NRBQ

September 24th, 2009
10:29 am

“Her Plymouth Rocks.”

Gold.

Bob Horner had a sweet compact swing

September 24th, 2009
10:35 am

Tony Romo has won 4 playoff games..???

Hollywould

September 24th, 2009
10:37 am

leonards Losers/ brought a smile to my face.

Thrasherville

September 24th, 2009
10:49 am

Testical Tech covers at Auburn! Go Cards (give me a break, I’m a Mich St. fan, we’re practically a MAC team)!

Hillbilly Deluxe

September 24th, 2009
10:51 am

I thought I was the only person who remembers Leonard’s Losers.

The Falcons stand a good chance of beating New England. Most dynasties go down fast when they finally start to slip. Brady is a fine quarterback but like most all quarterbacks he’s not the same if he’s constantly under pressure. Should be an interesting game to watch.

Jeff, do you think Sacco and Vanzetti were guilty? Inquiring minds want to know.

Chris

September 24th, 2009
10:57 am

Falcons 27
Pats 24

PMC

September 24th, 2009
11:07 am

Is Greg Hardy playing tonight for Ole Miss?

Rice Alum '89

September 24th, 2009
11:15 am

Woo-Hoo! Rice was mentioned in the Weekend Update. Sadly, this season will probably be like my 4 there (I saw a total of 4 wins, including an 0′fer season).

Go Falcons!

no doubt about it,

September 24th, 2009
11:21 am

SEC will lose tonight!

goober

September 24th, 2009
11:21 am

Two questions for Jessica, both answered by her pose:
(1) What is the average number of breasts on the American female?
(2) What does Tony like to get a little of from you?

Noticing the beautiful America flag, I and my friends Charlie, Johnson and Peter all stood at attention.

Shooltz, what a great piece (peace?) to take us into another pig-skinned week-inned. Ain’t it great, guys … we get football on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays. That leaves only two nights without it … oh, that was also Jessica’s answer.

Old Dawg

September 24th, 2009
11:25 am

Best damn pick column — period! Love the fact you have 2 hotties instead of football pics.

Keep up the great work.

SimpleDawg

September 24th, 2009
11:45 am

I loved Leonard’s Losers and would never try to imitate his style….I’m not worthy. This was just a stream of unplanned thought.

I didn’t know anyone had ever used the Warrior Chickens for USC East, but it seems to fit.

Columbia has long been the graveyard of coaches. Although I think ol’ Steve Superior had his Waterloo in the NFL, he is now in prison – his own Devil’s Island. I have a feeling there’ll be a lot of visor flinging this evening.

Matty Ice

September 24th, 2009
11:46 am

Well, now I know to pick the Patriots.

AUGUSTADAWG

September 24th, 2009
11:47 am

Enter your comments here
Hey Jeff,

Your predictions are like Willie’s defense….NOT VERY GOOD!!!!

Cuz

September 24th, 2009
11:56 am

Leonard Posttosties and Percy Peabody. That was a pair. Someone dust off the smartpill machine.

BamaBirDawg

September 24th, 2009
11:56 am

As SimpleDawg said, “The Falcons can beat the Patriots….the question is, will they.” The offense has the hardware to win any game against any opponent in the league. The issue is, again, the D and whether that half-filled toolbox will be enough to get the job done.

Gen Neyland

September 24th, 2009
11:57 am

Go Big Orange : This is out of character for JS but I think it has something to do with me cleaning his gutters and washing his Benz…Interesting take on the Midnight Flyer’s game, aka Red Elephants-Razorpigs…Personally, the 10th of OCT is a weekend I’m looking forward to. A lot will become clearer in the SEC on that date.

John

September 24th, 2009
12:11 pm

Anytime there’s a pic of a svelte Jessica Simpson in bikini top in a sports blog, it’s a good day.

After the mauling Toothsome Tom Brady absorbed last week at the hands of the J-E-T-S defense I got a bad feeling. Why do I think the suits in the Patriots’ front office have been lobbying the NFL all week about “late” hits?

Might they be planting a seed? Might the officiating crew working Sunday’s game with the Falcons call more “Roughing the Passer” penalties called against the Birds than Tom has incisors and canines?

I hope not. But watch for a critical call that turns the game in favor of the Pats. Watch the call to be chicken guano by any reasonable standard. Watch it be for “Roughing the Passer”.

Larvell "SugarBear" Blanks

September 24th, 2009
12:14 pm

Shultzie, shouldn’t this war be renamed the Tennco-Floridian war. Good call on the Tebow image. Instead of a muskat though he should be holding a circumscision knife. Oh and make sure there are no scorch marks at mid-field when Satin and his love child Petrino shake hands!

Cincy Falcon

September 24th, 2009
12:21 pm

The Patriots win big 34-17. The “birds” aren’t quite ready for prime time (or the hostile fans of NE). The Patriots wear the Falcons defense down and victimize the Falcons weak secondary. The Patriots defense stack seven in the box to contain the run and cover Gonzo like a wet blanket. Ryan might hit a big play or two, but too little to late as the offense spends most of the night watching Brady pick the defense apart during one long drive after another.

But as last year, this will be “part of the process” and hopefully will provide the “birds” something else to build off of.

Tallcarl

September 24th, 2009
12:24 pm

I agree with everything except Panthers manhandle Cowpokes on the lines and pull upset as Tony D. said about Tony Romeo he hasn’t done anything yet. I feel the same was about all the Dallas deadbeats. OLE’ Jerry wil be moving back into the former stadium Sundaynight…I would make a commit about Jessica but she looks too much like my own daughter..Ain’t this fun:>)

NikkiFree

September 24th, 2009
12:33 pm

Hades Bowl……I’m loving it!!!!! LOL

Mattie Lice

September 24th, 2009
12:33 pm

Look, we have a good offense Mr Dick Larger, If I throw a 4 yard pass and the running back falls forward for 3 yards then I have 7 yards on my stats. I can make a living like that. Yes, My average is about 7 yards but so what. The press is going to push my name anyway because they ran Michael Vick out of town and now they have to cover their aizz. So im good you son of b!tch

it was SO cash

September 24th, 2009
12:37 pm

What’s the over-under for tons of trash found on UGA’s campus this week?

BigSherm7

September 24th, 2009
12:39 pm

I’ll say it again . . . this is a trap game for the Birds . . . never “misunderestimate” the New England Patriots . . .

I think Patriots football is a pretty cool guy

September 24th, 2009
12:44 pm

eh illegally tapes other teams and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Jeff Schultz

September 24th, 2009
12:46 pm

## Go Big Orange – it’s probably been a while. And, yeah, I agree with you on the wife.

## Pitbull – Honestly hadn’t thought of weather as a factor this week. I’m not sure how big of a factor it would be though.

## Bowman – Probably not first time, just first time you noticed. But I always try to keep you guessing, ya know?

## NRBQ – Thank you, sir.

## PMC: Mississippi: DE Greg Hardy. Coach Houston Nutt said he expected the Rebels’ defensive star to play against South Carolina. And that means Hardy could be key in pressuring young Gamecocks passer Stephen Garcia. Hardy sprained his ankle in the opener against Memphis and did not play in the win over Southeastern Louisiana. Hardy has 18 1/2 sacks in his career.

## Old Dawg – Somehow I get the feeling you didn’t really care who I picked as long as Gisele and Jess were pictured.

## AugustaDawg – Ouch. You hurt me. Deeply.

## John: “Anytime there’s a pic of a svelte Jessica Simpson in bikini top in a sports blog, it’s a good day.” Confucious say that?

Tallcarl

September 24th, 2009
12:47 pm

Will all you people that live in the past and worship Vick get a life and read my comments on the M. Ryan article. Vick was not run out of town by the press he left in handcuffs from his thugg activities. Even if he had starts for Philly he will never win the Superbowl because he does not study film and work to get better. He keep doing the same dumb things and he will never win the big game. That is the diffinition of insanity but I say STUPIDITY. Book him. Woops, I meant book it.

goober

September 24th, 2009
12:47 pm

But hey, Tallcarl … she’s NOT your daughter.

coach smith

September 24th, 2009
12:47 pm

I have been looking on the ASU newspapers and Dawg fans…we need to get LOUD because these MORONS actually think they are not only going to come to Athens and win BUT blow the Dawgs out!!!!!

I’m serious

there is page after page of fan posts about how “the devils are better this year” thier “defense is number 1″ and there are plenty of score predictons where ASU fans are saying things like “ASU 44 Dawgs 17″

again I am serious and it is not just from one or two idiots but there are dozens of posts saying the same thing

The Dawgs and Dawg fans need to knock them out of their delusions

Cuz

September 24th, 2009
12:50 pm

so cash, with the publicity, I am thinking they cut the tons in half. 35 tons of trash with a couple of Sundevil coozies thrown in for good measure.

Fort Worth Dawg

September 24th, 2009
12:51 pm

Leonard’s Losers: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Postero Can’t find his old quote to the effect of “Make the trip … do our best not to sink the ship.”

Chef montuer

September 24th, 2009
12:55 pm

SAints 63 Bills 58

Old Fan

September 24th, 2009
12:56 pm

Well, I was kind of hoping the Falcons would go up there and win one, but now that Schultz has picked them, I’ll expect the usual on Sunday.

Chef montuer

September 24th, 2009
12:56 pm

Saints 63 Bills 57 in overtime

Chef montuer

September 24th, 2009
1:02 pm

SAints are the best team in the NFL!!!

Dr. Warren

September 24th, 2009
1:07 pm

In case you haven’t checked, JS, “Little Atlanta” is now considerably bigger than Boston. Though as a resident of Shanghai, big and little in American terms is relative. I will say, the Patriots are easily the most popular NFL team in China, and the only one with their own Web site here.

Reality Check

September 24th, 2009
1:19 pm

Jeff – I always enjoy your articles and I definitely think you might have solved UGA’s trach problem. Lets just hope Richt and Damon Evans read your article as well!

Jeff Schultz

September 24th, 2009
1:20 pm

Old Fan — hey, I’m 2-0 picking the Falcons this year.

Dr. Warren — Have Belchick and the Chinese Govt. partnered on any spy satellites?

Chef montuer

September 24th, 2009
1:22 pm

JESSICA SIMPSON over ME in a close one

Cuz

September 24th, 2009
1:28 pm

Get me out of here Percy.

Cocktail Cove

September 24th, 2009
1:32 pm

We controle the ball in this one
ATL 27 NE 17

Mainly because Brady will not see the ball much.