Weekend Predictions: Dogs over Petrino in Netherworld

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According to my favorite source, legend, which I once again came across while clicking through several chapters in the religious book of Google-rotomy, the first exorcism was performed a really really long time ago and — I am not making this up — involved pigs. There was an evil spirit called “Legion,” which apparently was creating all sorts of mayhem in the world, like MTV and the BCS. So evil dude was exorcised into a herd of pigs, which then ran over a cliff and, well, unlike Wile E. Coyote, Legion did not make it to the next cartoon.

I made the trip south and approached Petrino for an interview, but he declined.

I made the trip south and approached Petrino for an interview, but he declined.

We quote, from actual scripture-like stuff (throat-clearing):  “…So the devils besought him, saying, ‘If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine.’ And he said unto them, ‘Go.’ And they went into the herd of swine, and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished. And the villagers in nearby Flowery Branch heard the devils yell, ‘Pig, Sooooeey,’ just in time for a midnight press conference in the land of Fayetteville, Arkansas, a suburb of  Hades.”

I might’ve had to massage that last part a little.

Bobby Petrino will reach a milestone Saturday. He is about to coach his 14th game with Arkansas. Souvenir brimstone to the first 10,000 fans. Fourteen games will exceed his longevity record with the Falcons, where, of course, he went 3-10, vowed to Arthur Blank he absolutely had everything under control, that magic elixir would cure anything, that car would run for decades, that gold was real — and, well, 24 hours later, it was pea soup everywhere. It seemed Petrino was called by a lower power to buy and sell souls at Arkansas. At midnight.

Arkansas fans believe Petrino is there to stay. The rest of the world is thinking: They can have him. He’s 9-17 as a head coach since he  stopped playing South Florida. I’m thinking the Beelzebub Gravy Train is pretty much at the end of the line. And over the cliff. As it is written.

This week, Georgia and Tech fans unite! The Bulldogs visit The Swine and its Flu. They haven’t been great, but they could sending a team of 5-foot-2 monks to Arkansas and I’d still know which way I was going. Take the gift point. But it’s Dogs over Oinks, straight up.

Keggers

This is not a very smart man.

This is not a very smart man.

Tennessee at Florida: A lot has changed since Lane Kiffin called Urban Meyer a cheater and said he would “sing Rocky Top all night long” when the Vols beat the Gators. For one thing, Tennessee doesn’t let him hold the microphone any more. Why do I suddenly have a vision of Don Knotts going against the Byzantines? Gators cover 29.

FSU at BYU: Bobby Bowden on going to Utah: “I enjoy playing in other parts of the country. It gives you a little idea of what it looks like. It’s just the opposite of Florida — snow and mountains and we’re flat and have beaches.” Now that we’ve gotten that straight: The Seminoles haven’t beaten a top 10 team since 2007. At any elevation. Cougars cover the TD.

Thursday Web-Only Special!

Georgia Tech at Miami: Chan Gailey doesn’t get credit for much on North Ave. but I’ll tell you one thing he did: He helped turned The U into The Rice. Since Tech upset then No. 3 Miami in 2005, the Hurricanes are 21-21. Just like the ACC expansion committee planned it. Or not. I know – not the Jackets’ problem. But I think this game will be. I like the Canes, and they’ll cover the 4 1/2.

NFL Six-Pack

Panthers at Falcons: Jake Delhomme had five turnovers in Carolina’s first game, which makes you wonder how bad he would’ve been if he hadn’t practiced for six weeks. The Panthers just signed A.J. Feeley, the most exciting thing that’s happened in Charlotte since the last Wal-mart opened. Falcons cover 6 ½.

Tom Brady and Randy Moss look very concerned over this Jets' fan issue, don't you think?

Brady and Moss discuss how to deal . . .

Giants at Cowboys: Jerry Jones officially opens his $1.15 billion House of Bloatedness. I believe the first 10,000 fans get a drumstick, a wench and gout. By the way, both teams are pretty good. (This is how we break it down here.) Giants in an upset, but take the 3.

Steelers at Bears: In Week 1, Brian Urlacher was lost for the season and Jay Cutler tanked it and appeared so detached that former coach Jim Mora Sr. said, “He looked like a big-time jerk.” Mora hadn’t used such strong words about a QB since he called Michael Vick “a coach killer.” Of

. . . with the distraction in the first row.

. . . with the distraction in the first row.

course, his son ended up dead. Pitt’s D covers 3.

Patriots at Jets: Coach Rex Ryan left a voicemail this week for every Jets’ season-ticketholder, asking them to “make it miserable for [Tom] Brady and Co.” Why not just give Bridget Moynahan a  front row seat? Pats cover 5 1/2.

Vikings at Lions: Brett Favre hasn’t quit yet. Neither has Matthew Stafford. Vikings cover 10.

Bengals at Packers: Chad Ochostinko says if he scores a touchdown he’s going to do the “Lambeau Leap” into the end zone seats. Guess it’s safer than jumping into the crowd at a home game. Pack wins, covers 9.

Toteboard

(Moving slow)

Last week: 8-4 straight up, 5-7 against the line.

Gross National Products: 12-7 straight up, 6-13 against the line.

294 comments Add your comment

drbasic1

September 17th, 2009
1:59 am

Agree with all except; sticking my head out far…..crocs win but do not cover the spread….just a hunch…..wish somehow they could both lose!

Robards

September 17th, 2009
1:59 am

Jeff, I know you’re always going to take the Dawgs based on previous years (and, well based on this year too, in which Dawgs are 0-2 ATS). But, did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, the man wants you to go against your boy Petrino? Probably not. I think the boys in Vegas are trying to tell you something, but I know you don’t hear it unless it’s good news for the Dawgies. For others not wearing those glasses, however, there is a reason why the Hawgs are favored.

JSS

September 17th, 2009
2:06 am

Bengals vs Packers? Turn in your card Mr. Schultz, only a fool or the gambling addicted bets that game!
6-13 against the line!!! Do you still have a place to live? That’s ripe!!!
Moynahan doesn’t upset Brady, just his accountant… Tom’s actually happy with his wife…
By the way, the most important feature of FSU-BYU is that the game is being played at altitude, even humidity doesn’t prepare you for that…

Metal Jacket

September 17th, 2009
2:16 am

Miami is toast. Jackets roll big. Jeff, you should be ashamed. Check with you Friday. GO JACKETS!!!!! THWG.

Ed-Covington

September 17th, 2009
2:30 am

JS: I love the Falcons, TD, MS and am glad Petrino left; but…
Petrino wanted to suspend Crumpler, MaAngelo etc. for embarassing the city of Atl. on MNF with their blatant displays of support for a dog-killer. Blank & McKay refused to allow him. Arkansas had offered him the job with a deadline. Blank & McKay thought they had Petrino over a barrel and he would not leave. He felt he had lost the support of the owner & GM so he left anyway. Blank & McKay were as much to blame as Petrino, but the Atlanta media carries Blank’s water so that side never comes out.
So Blank wises up, “promotes” McKay upstairs and hires TD. What’s the first thing TD does? Get rid of the players Petrino wanted to suspend.
Ownership undermined their own coach by allowing players to go over his head and he thus lost control of the team.
As I said, I’m glad Petrino’s gone and we have TD and Mike Smith. This regime will be more successful than Petrino-McKay would have ever been. Hiring Petrino was a mistake to begin with, but McKay-Blank never paid the price; they just chose to embarass Petrino then cry in public and accuse him of “betrayal”.
Petrino will succeed at Arkansas. I don’t particularly admire him as a person after the Auburn-Tuberville affair; but he is a good college football coach.
Never thought I would be defending Petrino; but he is not Satan. Satan owns the Cowboys.

Ed-Covington

September 17th, 2009
2:32 am

Oh M’God! The Barber twins are on the Wendy Williams show! Good Grief!

Laurenzo

September 17th, 2009
2:37 am

Do you drink a lot before you write?

interested party

September 17th, 2009
2:57 am

Jeff apart from being a very good sportswriter you have a real comic gift and I woiuld say you’re even brilliant at satire. I love your column. A few times in the past it’s made me wince when idiotic, careless and even racist references have been made by those who write in to your ethnicity. Now you seem to be returning the favor. This column reaches a new low. The story of the Gadarene demoniac is not a legend. To your credit you did not mention the Name of the Man who cast the demon out. But you crossed a line. Lay off Scripture will you? It was gratuitous. And it was stupid.

m

September 17th, 2009
5:27 am

It is obvious that you are the chan gomer gailey of sportswriters.

Even though you may be too stupid to understand the difference between gomer gailey and Paul Johnson….maybe it will eventually sink in.

Tech rolls.

"Chef" Tim Dix

September 17th, 2009
6:28 am

Ed- Is your head spinning? Are you levitating over your bed? There is no defense for the definition of evil. Tuna last week, swine flu case #1 this. Arthur has promised gainful employment regardless of eligibility requirements for the entire team if they win.

Rule #1- Never bite the hand that feeds you.

Jeff, I almost made it through my comment without referencing you-know-who.

You didn’t.

NCBravesFan

September 17th, 2009
6:29 am

May the Legion of Beelzebub never invade your keyboard, sir.

I fear such an event would lead to bleak Thursdays for Cheeto-eating goobers nationwide.

SatchelBuzz

September 17th, 2009
7:05 am

Jeff,…I see you’re back to your old habits. I do agree with on this,…can’t stand Petrino. But,…Jackets and Hogs take the victories. One more thing to correct you on,..will never, ever unite with ugag,…..NEVER.

THWG!!!

King Donko of Punchstania

September 17th, 2009
7:12 am

Wow, 6-13 against the line and you still have a job? By the way, a few years back the razor was invented. Just thought you would like to know so that you can finally rid yourself of that pre-pubescent growth on your face.

optionoffense

September 17th, 2009
7:19 am

Jeff is a complete idiot. Tech wins. Georgia loses….how you could even bring up a decent arguement about Georgia winning this game is beyond ridicilious. Obvoiusly Jeff, you and Barnhardt feel you need to keep playing the Georgia kool-aid card.

MiltonDawg

September 17th, 2009
7:20 am

After 2 shaky games, Dogs will come out strong and take a W @ Arkansas. Delhomme will be better- going from 5 turnovers to 3 (im predicting a pick 6). I agree with all the other picks except Pats @ Jets. Not sure if its just me, or the way Rex Ryan intimidates me but i call an upset– Jets win by late FG. And just to annoy GT Fans- sorry, but the 5 game losing streak Miami has suffered against GT will end tonight. Close game, but Canes prevail.

TonyinSmyrna

September 17th, 2009
7:25 am

Jeff

That’s a complete idiiotic statement laying claim to a Georgia victory. Doesn’t really matter if you dont like Bobby Petrino. Arkansas is a better team and Petrino in the college ranks runs circles around the mickey mouse clan of the UGA coaching staff.

You’re laughable.

DJ

September 17th, 2009
7:26 am

Thanks for keeping your teeth clenched tightly on your tongue concerning the Falcons. You can officially quit after the Cats are sent home and a repeat of the 1998 visit to Foxboro is complete.

Did Ovie pull an OJ Santiago last Sunday? I can still hear OJ cawing over the deafining silence of the Foxboro crowd. The team can’t look ahead, but I can.

Dawg Tired

September 17th, 2009
7:29 am

Jeff – WHile I certainly hope your prediction comes true and the Dawgs win, it seems like a long shot to me. Unless we play better than we have in either of the first two games, I see the Hogs pulling away in the second half against a tired Georgia defense. Two major concerns are: (1) very poor pass defense (no pass rush at all and poor coverage, especially on short passes over the middle); and (2) turnovers (Cox has not shown he is very good at protecting the ball, i.e., interceptions and he has turned out to be fumbler).

WHile hope springs eternal, I not very condfident.

MIke

September 17th, 2009
7:32 am

Schultz, calling someone that makes more money than you and probably has forgotten more football knowledge than you will ever know does not seem “very smart” to me. I am sure you are a great coach at flag football and play fantasy football with the best of them but start writing in-depth articles once you have accomplished something in football. I think my wife knows more about football that you do.

Habersham Dawg

September 17th, 2009
7:34 am

Jeff, wasn’t there a group of people who wanted to excommunicate someone for a little satire he wrote. I believe his name was Dante Alighieri.

Ed of Covington – If Satan owns the Cowboys, who owns the Raiders?

mcdawg

September 17th, 2009
7:34 am

now you’re talking

UGASlobberknocker

September 17th, 2009
7:35 am

Im 13-6 against the spread this yr..I just bet the opposite of what Schultz picks. My bookie thinks Im a genius. Thanks, Jeff.

chazzo

September 17th, 2009
7:36 am

Look for FSU to upset BYU.

UGASlobberknocker

September 17th, 2009
7:36 am

Habersham Dawg..the owner of the Raiders is Satan’s grandfather..you know..the one who cant remember to put on his pants.

Habersham Dawg

September 17th, 2009
7:41 am

UGASlobberknocker – That answers so many questions about the Raiders.

Mikey

September 17th, 2009
7:45 am

Tonight the U will stomp a mudhole in the insects.

Nativebird

September 17th, 2009
7:46 am

Falcons win.
Gators roll.
Dawgs lose.
Jackets FINALLY realize they need a quarterback.
Braves…(are the Braves still playing?)

Bill E. Goat

September 17th, 2009
7:48 am

FSU wont make a bowl game this year much less upset BYU

Not Disappointed

September 17th, 2009
7:50 am

falcons win
gators roll
dawgs is a toss up, but can win

Not Disappointed

September 17th, 2009
7:51 am

GT can win, but will be a battle
Braves has me on meds! HeHe! just kidding
Jeff, are you blogging live from Coral Gables tonite?

Hal

September 17th, 2009
7:56 am

Tech’s game will be won in by Tech’s defensive backfield with good downfield coverage and over the middle coverage. If Tech can’t delay Harris from finding his recievers it will be a long night.

Gen Neyland

September 17th, 2009
8:01 am

As a believer in Biocentrism, I say we play the game then make the call. The orb called Earth is not flat so therefore the Vols will shock the world and beat the spread by winning in Gainesville, 70-3…give or take. Gotta go now and take my medication.

Brad in Jasper

September 17th, 2009
8:05 am

“drumstick, a wench and gout”, I love ya, bro. That’s why I always tune in.

I like UGA too with the gift point. I’ll differ though on GT. Even though they made me curse the moon after ralphing away the easy cover against Clemson, they seem to have something over UM. And that was with Gailey, too. Yikes. Take the gift 4 or 5, depending on which obscure Caribbean island you use.

Aren’t you semi-psyched for the Falcons, esp. since two of our NFC Dixie league brethren look in disarray?

Until next time,

Brad

Deputy Dan has no friends

September 17th, 2009
8:07 am

And neither does Bobby Petrino.

Cuz

September 17th, 2009
8:10 am

General, kinda early to be cleaning them guns. I thought you were going to wait til Saturday.

Joey

September 17th, 2009
8:11 am

Jeff, you disappoint me – not with your pics, I’m right with you on those (except Tech). I scrolled down excitedly for the pic of Bridget Moynahan and ……. Oh well….

Bank Walker, Texas Ranger

September 17th, 2009
8:14 am

I’d like to see Georgia beat Petrino so bad that he sneaks out at night and flys across the sky in his big night shirt with Peter Pan to Never Never Land. Oh, Netherworld? Ok, let him burn.

FBR

September 17th, 2009
8:14 am

Such spewing vitriol about your prediction of a UGA victory from the seven Tech fans that inhabit the ATL!! OH!, excuse me, I forgot Melvin, who moved here from Cleveland last year. Your writing is always a treat. Love your predictions no matter who you pick.

Starring Kam Fong as Chin Ho

September 17th, 2009
8:14 am

#1 GT vs Miami a toss up, QB play for GT is the key, if he can’t pass effectively GT cannot win. #2 The Ga offense must win this game, the defense will be tired in the second half, the offense must bail them out this week with NO turnovers and very few 3 and outs. #3 Yes nativebird the Braves are still playing but no one knows why. #4 the Fightin’ Tebows will win and cover and call timeouts and make fun of UT. Afterward, Urban will declare himself ruler of the world and officially declare Tebow a religion

hop

September 17th, 2009
8:15 am

the dawgs will win with the hogs defense the worst in the sec last year and this year will not be much different.
houston’s return will provide the dawgs the needed pass rush we have not had in a while,as the arky qb is not very mobile!

Mandy

September 17th, 2009
8:19 am

Jeff ark will beat ga by 7(yuck petrino) and tech will narrowly escape landshark by 3.

"Chef" Tim Dix

September 17th, 2009
8:26 am

And now for something completely different.

Is there anything sexier than a hot chick wearing a long sleeve button down shirt and little else?

All I'm Saying Is...

September 17th, 2009
8:28 am

Jeff:

Nice work. My two favorite lines were:

“I believe the first 10,000 fans get a drumstick, a wench and gout.”

“Coach Rex Ryan left a voicemail this week for every Jets’ season-ticketholder, asking them to “make it miserable for [Tom] Brady and Co.” Why not just give Bridget Moynahan a front row seat?”

Very witty.

(And, if I may, not only give Bridget a front row seat but have her wear short shorts and a tank top two sizes too small to show off her Jets poms-poms and ask her to bring along her two hottest female friends.)

LET’S GO FALCONS!

GeoffDawg

September 17th, 2009
8:29 am

Better than Petrino’s nether regions I suppose. Dawgs win ugly.

Regarding UT v UF – while I agree that Urban Meyer being who he is, will certainly try to humiliate the Vols if he can, I have to at least give Monte Kiffin enough credit for coming up with something to at least slow down Tebow and co. for maybe half a quarter and keep the final score within thirty.

Saint Simons

September 17th, 2009
8:29 am

just a reminder 45 – 42 hahahahahahahahahahahahahha

Gen Neyland

September 17th, 2009
8:31 am

Cuz : I bask in the glow of a morning after effect. Started ’shotgunning shots’ through the ol’ double barrel early and often which served a dual purpose of cleaning the bore and getting righteous, not wasting a drop. Sounded pretty economical to me at the time. Mighta been the gunpowder residue, I dunno…

Tech alum

September 17th, 2009
8:32 am

Tech and UGA win. Schultz- did you not catch the Tech-Miami game last year? You must have been writing a “5 reasons why UGA is better than their record” article at that time.

mountain_jim

September 17th, 2009
8:37 am

No, Satan does not own the Cowboys, but he does consider Texas his turf. Go Jackets!

mtraininjax

September 17th, 2009
8:39 am

Jeff you and your long lost twin Donna Shelala, have the face only Sebastian the Ibis (MU mascot) could love. You deserve each other. Tech wins in Land Shark, only for one season, stadium!

UGA NATION

September 17th, 2009
8:42 am