According to my favorite source, legend, which I once again came across while clicking through several chapters in the religious book of Google-rotomy, the first exorcism was performed a really really long time ago and — I am not making this up — involved pigs. There was an evil spirit called “Legion,” which apparently was creating all sorts of mayhem in the world, like MTV and the BCS. So evil dude was exorcised into a herd of pigs, which then ran over a cliff and, well, unlike Wile E. Coyote, Legion did not make it to the next cartoon.
We quote, from actual scripture-like stuff (throat-clearing): “…So the devils besought him, saying, ‘If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine.’ And he said unto them, ‘Go.’ And they went into the herd of swine, and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished. And the villagers in nearby Flowery Branch heard the devils yell, ‘Pig, Sooooeey,’ just in time for a midnight press conference in the land of Fayetteville, Arkansas, a suburb of Hades.”
I might’ve had to massage that last part a little.
Bobby Petrino will reach a milestone Saturday. He is about to coach his 14th game with Arkansas. Souvenir brimstone to the first 10,000 fans. Fourteen games will exceed his longevity record with the Falcons, where, of course, he went 3-10, vowed to Arthur Blank he absolutely had everything under control, that magic elixir would cure anything, that car would run for decades, that gold was real — and, well, 24 hours later, it was pea soup everywhere. It seemed Petrino was called by a lower power to buy and sell souls at Arkansas. At midnight.
Arkansas fans believe Petrino is there to stay. The rest of the world is thinking: They can have him. He’s 9-17 as a head coach since he stopped playing South Florida. I’m thinking the Beelzebub Gravy Train is pretty much at the end of the line. And over the cliff. As it is written.
This week, Georgia and Tech fans unite! The Bulldogs visit The Swine and its Flu. They haven’t been great, but they could sending a team of 5-foot-2 monks to Arkansas and I’d still know which way I was going. Take the gift point. But it’s Dogs over Oinks, straight up.
Tennessee at Florida: A lot has changed since Lane Kiffin called Urban Meyer a cheater and said he would “sing Rocky Top all night long” when the Vols beat the Gators. For one thing, Tennessee doesn’t let him hold the microphone any more. Why do I suddenly have a vision of Don Knotts going against the Byzantines? Gators cover 29.
FSU at BYU: Bobby Bowden on going to Utah: “I enjoy playing in other parts of the country. It gives you a little idea of what it looks like. It’s just the opposite of Florida — snow and mountains and we’re flat and have beaches.” Now that we’ve gotten that straight: The Seminoles haven’t beaten a top 10 team since 2007. At any elevation. Cougars cover the TD.
Thursday Web-Only Special!
Georgia Tech at Miami: Chan Gailey doesn’t get credit for much on North Ave. but I’ll tell you one thing he did: He helped turned The U into The Rice. Since Tech upset then No. 3 Miami in 2005, the Hurricanes are 21-21. Just like the ACC expansion committee planned it. Or not. I know – not the Jackets’ problem. But I think this game will be. I like the Canes, and they’ll cover the 4 1/2.
Panthers at Falcons: Jake Delhomme had five turnovers in Carolina’s first game, which makes you wonder how bad he would’ve been if he hadn’t practiced for six weeks. The Panthers just signed A.J. Feeley, the most exciting thing that’s happened in Charlotte since the last Wal-mart opened. Falcons cover 6 ½.
Giants at Cowboys: Jerry Jones officially opens his $1.15 billion House of Bloatedness. I believe the first 10,000 fans get a drumstick, a wench and gout. By the way, both teams are pretty good. (This is how we break it down here.) Giants in an upset, but take the 3.
Steelers at Bears: In Week 1, Brian Urlacher was lost for the season and Jay Cutler tanked it and appeared so detached that former coach Jim Mora Sr. said, “He looked like a big-time jerk.” Mora hadn’t used such strong words about a QB since he called Michael Vick “a coach killer.” Of
course, his son ended up dead. Pitt’s D covers 3.
Patriots at Jets: Coach Rex Ryan left a voicemail this week for every Jets’ season-ticketholder, asking them to “make it miserable for [Tom] Brady and Co.” Why not just give Bridget Moynahan a front row seat? Pats cover 5 1/2.
Vikings at Lions: Brett Favre hasn’t quit yet. Neither has Matthew Stafford. Vikings cover 10.
Bengals at Packers: Chad Ochostinko says if he scores a touchdown he’s going to do the “Lambeau Leap” into the end zone seats. Guess it’s safer than jumping into the crowd at a home game. Pack wins, covers 9.
Last week: 8-4 straight up, 5-7 against the line.
Gross National Products: 12-7 straight up, 6-13 against the line.