Countdown (apology edition): Kanye, Serena and D-Hall video

The Count's also getting a little pudgy.

The Count knew his times tables until MTV fried his brain.

The Count loves to count apologies. One stupid statement, two stupid statements and — oh, here comes the public relations machine – three stupid statements. Why can’t everybody just admit to who they are? Like The Count’s neighbor, Oscar The Grouch? You never see him apologizing. The Count didn’t mind when Janet Jackson tried to rescue her music career in a Super Bowl halftime show by intentionally-accidentally losing her top and exposing the Jackson Two. But it was somewhat anti-climactic, sort of like when The Count opened his cape in the bat cave and even Elmo laughed. Anyway, with apologies to Taylor Swift, that poor line judge at the U.S. Open in New York who’s now halfway through a bottle of Zoloft, and the members of the Washington Redskins’ secondary who aren’t named DeAngelo Hall,  it’s now that time. We count down …

10: Do I sense a future “Behind The Music” coming?

And what's with the sunglasses, anyway? Were we not supposed to recognize him?

This is when Taylor Swift could've used a mean streak.

I realize Kanye West doesn’t play sports. But he was born in Atlanta and he was thrown out of the MTV Video Music Awards for being rude, which I didn’t even know  was possible. So he’s Countdown-worthy. How does one not live up to the standards of the MTV Video Music Awards? That’s like the SEC throwing out a football coach based on a lack of high moral fiber. And speaking of football and people lacking  high moral fiber (attention aspiring journalists: there’s a transition for anything) . . .

9.  Snyder needs to apologize to every fan and business school

See these guys? They cover better than DeAngelo Hall.

These guys cover better than DeAngelo Hall.

The Count got a headache when he tried to add up the value of DeAngelo Hall’s contracts. But we know the Falcons traded him to the Oakland Raiders. They would’ve been happy to get a Zagnut in return but got two draft picks. The Raiders immediately gave him a $70 million contract with $24.5 guaranteed. But the Raiders dumped him after eight games — and much like Kanye West and the MTV Video Music Awards, how do you get thrown off the Raiders? He ended up making $8 million to play eight games. Then he moved on to Washington, where this past summer owner Dan Snyder gave him a six-year, $55 million contract with $23 million guaranteed. And you know what that means? I owe Al Davis an apology. Because while he may be senile, he’s clearly not the dumbest owner in sports.

8. We have more video of D-Hall!

The New York Giants actually picked on Hall in the opener. They ran their good receivers right at him. They ran their bad receivers right at him. They ran a guy from Queens — who was only in the parking lot to steal car radios at the time until coach Tom Coughlin went outside and said, “Hey, Dude! Come in here! You gotta see this!” — right at him. Hall failed to cover and failed to tackle (see video below). The only surprising thing is that he actually admitted his faults after the game, saying,  “I feel like the guy that just couldn’t make a play to save my life.” It’s a step forward.  Now he can see what we see: He just can’t play. More evidence follows.

Giants — and then Troy Aikman — shred D-Hall

7. There goes another vote on health care

Back to Kanye West. Did you know he went on the new Jay Leno show to finally issue a real apology, which makes me wonder if  Leno might’ve been a part of this whole thing just so people would watch his latest bad talkshow? (I don’t apologize for conspiracy theories. They make my world go ’round.)  Did you know even President Obama reportedly called Kanye a “jackass”? Pretty sure he hadn’t used that word since the last time he met with everybody on the right side of the aisle in Congress. Anyway, since the Prez was watching the video music awards in the White House, can I assume he also was watching the U.S. Open? (Transition…)

6. And the bad timing award goes to …

serenamagcover

I've got your overhead right here!

I am not making this up. I just received an email from a PR company in New York touting the next issue of  “Success” magazine. Imagine my surprise when Serena Williams was on the cover, with the headline, “A champion on the court and off.” Unfortunately, tight deadlines prevented the magazine from including the subject’s most recent champ-like moment: “I swear to God, I’m [bleepin*] takin’ this ball and shovin’ it in your [bleepin’] throat… I swear to God.”

5. You’ll have to speak to my agent, Mr.Twitter

Now here’s the queen of today’s apologies for celebrities and athletes. First she verbally assaulted and possibly threatened a line judge. Then she laughed it off in a news conference and pretended not to remember what she said. Then spineless tennis officials did the equivalent of only taking $1.50 out of her wallet and let her play the next day, because, like, do you know how many sponsorships she sells? Then 24 hours later, through the help of crisis management suits, Serena issued a statement on her website and, of course, Twitter! Then when asked about it directly by a person, not a keyboard, she laughed it off again and, I’m quoting from the New York Times here: “Williams said she wanted to apologize directly to the lineswoman, but did not how to locate her.” Game. Set. Match.

Expect this line judge to go postal in six months

4. Wait a minute . . .

Georgia plays at Arkansas this week, which reminds me: I haven’t checked Twitter to see if Bobby Petrino has an account. Maybe that’s where he apologized to Arthur Blank and we just missed it. (UPDATE: I found a Bobby Petrino on Twitter with 843 followers but no Tweets. There’s a line there somewhere. But I’m tired.)

3. Do they auction off apologies on eBay?

This ring will pay off at least $16,000 in debt.

Goes with anything.

I figure Lenny Dkystra doesn’t owe anybody an apology. Anybody dumb enough to invest millions with someone who defrauded his own mother out of $13,000 and used her credit card to buy fuel for his jet (true story) deserves to lose their money. So now Dykstra is broke and EVERYTHING is for sale. If you go to the Heritage Auctions’ website and type “Dykstra” into the search box, you’ll get a long list of sports memorabilia, including a World Series ring (”value” of $20,000; current high bid of $16,000) and a World Series trophy (”value” of $20,000; current high bid of $8,000).

2. She need apologize to no one

Melanie Oudin

Melanie Oudin: The other side of the U.S. Open.

Just wanted to get this in: Marietta’s Melanie Oudin, fresh off reaching the quarterfinals of the U.S. Open and not verbally assaulting anybody in the process, is scheduled to attend the Braves-Philadelphia game Saturday night at Turner Field. Oudin will throw out the first pitch, and, I assume later, share her experiences with the Braves on what it feels  like to reach her sport’s final round of eight – something that has eluded them in recent years.

1. And finally, “Sunny Day! …”

Two weeks ago I wrote about the possibility that the Atlanta Dream (a women’s basketball team) would be kicked out of Philips Arena if it made the playoffs in the WNBA (a women’s basketball league). Why? Because the arena was booked for “Sesame Street Live!” Of course, I mocked the Dream. It’s what I do. Also, Elmo rocks! This position infuriated the seven WNBA fans in town (or possibly one fan masquerading as seven readers). Well, it happened. The Dream made the playoffs. Their games were relocated, I believe to a street corner in Lawrenceville. Given this morning’s theme, the Count, Elmo, Oscar and I have an announcement to make: We don’t stinkin’ apologize.

136 comments Add your comment

The Real Voice

September 15th, 2009
8:23 am

Where’s Roger Federer?

"Chef" Tim Dix

September 15th, 2009
8:32 am

Dumped after eight years? Might have seemed like it, but his Raider affair lasted eight games.

Dumped Meangelo after 8 years?????

September 15th, 2009
8:33 am

More like after 8 GAMES!

bugman

September 15th, 2009
8:35 am

Too bad you don’t owe the Bravos an apology…

"Chef" Tim Dix

September 15th, 2009
8:35 am

Next year’s Kentucky Derby winner? Serena Williams.

Bank Walker, Texas Ranger

September 15th, 2009
8:37 am

Blog filled with fine Americans Kanye, Serena & Lenny. What bugs me about the Kanye BS is that he took something from a 17 year old girl. What a creep, jackass and about 30 other names. Props to Beyonce who was the only person to come to the rescue. She was the only person with balls in the place.

"Chef" Tim Dix

September 15th, 2009
8:37 am

Meangelo’s next gig: turnstyle.

MightyQuinn

September 15th, 2009
8:42 am

I’m not saying the Patriots stole that game, because the Bills turned off the alarm system and security cameras, gave the guard dogs sleeping pills, unlocked the front doors and yelled, “C’mon in, eh?” The Falcons may not win but I’m less scared after watching the game last night. The Bills take care of the ball and they win that one.

MightyQuinn

September 15th, 2009
8:42 am

Oh, and EIGHTH!

Jeff Schultz

September 15th, 2009
8:43 am

For earliest readers — changed the last item from Tom Brady to the Dream and Sesame Street Live. Felt I needed to follow up from 2 weeks ago, because that’s the kind of serious journalist I am.

Above copy editors — Wow, you guys are good. And fast! Thanks for catch on D-Hall. The eight games just SEEMED like eight years.

"Chef" Tim Dix

September 15th, 2009
8:44 am

Oakland (the city not the team; OK the team too) is so bad it’s fine citizens vacation in Compton.

Jeff Schultz

September 15th, 2009
8:52 am

Best line ever from Gertrude Stein on Oakland: “There’s no there there.” (And she’s right. I lived across the Bay in San Mateo.)

eaglefan

September 15th, 2009
8:54 am

finally i agree with obama about something.

I'm Gumby, dammit!!

September 15th, 2009
8:57 am

It speaks volumes that we’ve got Houston as our “number 1″ corner, and we’re still glad MeAngelo’s gone.

Reid Adair

September 15th, 2009
8:58 am

Absolutely classic, Jeff … especially with The Count counting apologies.

And watching D Hall run around on the field against the Giants was one of the best laughs I’ve had in a while.

MightyQuinn

September 15th, 2009
8:58 am

Gotta love Obama calling Kanye a “jackass” even if it was off the record. And I’m kinda tired of apologies that a) don’t sound like an apologies, and b) that were obviously worded by someone other than yourself (lawyers, publicists, mothers, Turtle from Entourage) and c) done purely in the name of PC. If you’re going to be an A-hole, BE an a-hole all the way! Embrace your A-hole-ed-ness! Spineless, corporate butt kissing A-holes are the worst.

cwb

September 15th, 2009
9:02 am

Love the reference to the Jackson Two, consider Elmo tickled. Assume you overlooked the Joe Wilson brain bubble outburst in an effort to maintain your valued ranking as an unbiased journalist.

True to his style of “entertainment” Kanye West utilized a whole bunch of words on Leno last night to say zip. Beyonce is a class act and, if I may be allowed an observation, not that hard on the eyes.

Regarding Bobby Petrino maybe it’s time to let the fat Placido Flamingo sing, or perhaps dump in the coach’s hat. Like the other boors you mention in your inspired column Petrino does not rock.

Jeff Schultz

September 15th, 2009
9:13 am

I’m Gumby Damn’t — Eddie Murphy at his finest hour. (That and the Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood skit).

CWB — Thanks. Sports fans generally are going to be divided on a lot of things. Safe to say that Petrino unites them in our city.

MiltonDawg

September 15th, 2009
9:18 am

Good Stuff JS- Kanye will make up his for behavior by doing a duet with either Taylor Swift or Elmo. OR- may Obama, Swift, & Kanye will all sit down for some tea (is she old enough to drink??). Daniel Snyder is just as arrogant as DHall and apparently thought they were a match made. Glad to see the Falcons brass see DHall for what he really is. Go Dawgs & Go Falcons!!!

JSS_62

September 15th, 2009
9:24 am

Tic… Tic… Tic… Now cue Big Ben (The real one in London on Parliament tower)…
2008: 4-30
2009: 18-16, a 14 game game swing…
Sad, I will not dignify that travesty again….

For any sport fans: REAL COVERAGE
http://www.freep.com/article/20090915/SPORTS04/909150440/1365/SPORTS/Shock-injuries–defense-are-concerns-vs.-Dream-WNBA-playoffs

Sonny Clusters

September 15th, 2009
9:27 am

Whoa, Jeff! That is some good journalism. Transitions, too. When we was writing for the paper we was never all that good at transitons. Now, baseball . . . we was reading that Chipper hurt a groin instead of a hamstring as reported on television. That’s a easy mistake to make with Chipper. We know he heard a “pop” and you never know what’s popping until you stop running – and Chipper stopped at third. Good thing the Braves didn’t need that run right there. We was always running hard when we was playing ball. Coach said if we didn’t run hard we couldn’t play so we was always running through the bases and watching the base coach. We was wondering if the Braves couldn’t use some of that.

"Chef" Tim Dix

September 15th, 2009
9:29 am

And not Eddie doing “James Brown’s Hot Tub”?

happily retired

September 15th, 2009
9:38 am

I forgive Serena. I think it was the heat of battle and the thought of losing that got to her. Tennis is one on one sport, and she wants to win and anybody that is on the court during that time is her opponent.
As a fan, it amazes me how determined the mind of a professional athlete is.

Hollywould

September 15th, 2009
9:39 am

Al, blame everyone else. Par for the course. One word for you, DENIAL.

JB

September 15th, 2009
9:51 am

Where is Dale Murphy and Bob Horner ? Braves didn’t win a lot of games, but enjoyed a lot of home runs….except for Murph’s last 2 -3 year when couldn’t hit one out playing slow pitch softball.

Forrest Gump

September 15th, 2009
9:52 am

Didn’t Gertrude Stein used to own the Reds?

JB

September 15th, 2009
9:55 am

hey Al, get rid if the racism ” trump card ace up your sleeve’ and you wouldn’t believe how much better things would be. When things don’t go your way, it’s always there and it always works. That’s the rift brother.

Pi$$onaDawg

September 15th, 2009
9:56 am

CILL MY LANDLORD. C.I.L.L. MY LAND LORD. Eddie had it going on when he was young.

Barker

September 15th, 2009
9:56 am

Race card alert! Race card alert! You’re just an ignorant victim “AL.” Always has been, always will be. Race has nothin to do with JS’s blog. Get over it.

midnite

September 15th, 2009
9:57 am

Hey let’s not forget Leodis McKelvin, Brady ought to send him chocolates and flowers. I would have loved to see young Oudin defeat Serena(who I think is actually Miami’s Ricky Williams).

Beautiful Monte

September 15th, 2009
10:01 am

Y’all give Al a break. I saw him on Maury the other day, and he’s still PO’d because he found out he IS the father.

As for happily retired’s comments: An athlete threatens to phsyically assault an official, and you excuse it by saying the athlete is merely “determined”? Demented is more like it.

Pi$$onaDawg

September 15th, 2009
10:05 am

chef that was the PIMP skit that ran off and on for 3 years. Velvet Jones “HOW to be a PIMP”.

Toots

September 15th, 2009
10:05 am

This was a genius countdown, Jeff, even by your own brilliant standards.
Zagnut bars. Man, you impress me.

Jeff Schultz

September 15th, 2009
10:05 am

Enter your comments hereAl Beeski — Anybody who screams racism for no reason and tries to stir it up on this blog gets deleted, it’s that simple. It works that way on both sides of my aisle.

Happily Retired: (Wish I wuz with ya.) We are not defined by the act but how we react afterward. So in that sense, I have far less a problem with how Serena reacted in the match in the heat of the moment (though I don’t excuse it) as I do the post-incident moments.

Forrest — Yes, you are correct, sir. Try the nutty chocolate in the box, lower left corner.

Barker

September 15th, 2009
10:06 am

Frank Wren owes me an apology every time Greg Norton puts his uniform on.

Sonny Clusters

September 15th, 2009
10:08 am

We was never bigoted when we was playing ball. It didn’t matter what color you was if we could beat you in a game. We was playing one time on the road and they put up a pinch-hitter like nobody we’d ever seen. He was tall and stringy and real, real, thin and gaunt looking and Jeff was afraid to thow to him because he didn’t want to hit him and break him in half. Ended up walking him. Turned out to be an Ethiopian pinch-hit specialist the coach from Cobb County brought in just for that situation. Worked, too. Still, we was championship before the year was out.

Pi$$onaDawg

September 15th, 2009
10:12 am

CHE bugger, Che bugger, Che bugger no Coke Pepsi.

George Holman

September 15th, 2009
10:13 am

Kanye West, MeAngelo Hall…..the whole world is about me…..just me.

Howard

September 15th, 2009
10:16 am

Jeff…in no way do I stand up for Serena Willims and what she did…but two points to consider: after viewing the tape a zillion times on ESPN of her alleged foot-fault…it never happened! She was not close to it. Next point…tennis is the only pro sports that uses basically amateurs as judges and linesmen. Just because you’ve played the sport and/or belong to a club where a major WTA or ATP event is being hosted, it doesn’t qualify you to referee these matches. That would be like asking Phil Fulmer to be a back judge or referee in an NFL game…but then again, it might be funny watching him bedecked in zebra stripes trying to run up and down the field!

La Jolla Dawg

September 15th, 2009
10:18 am

Federer won’t apologize, much like McEnroe and Connors didn’t in their day. Granted what Serena did/said was much worse than what Federer did yesterday. On the other hand, McEnroe and Connors had a history of outbursts and the media and fans rarely reacted to them the way everyone has reacted to Serena. Hmmmmm.

honest_abe

September 15th, 2009
10:18 am

where’s all the deangelo defenders at????????????????? heh i remember he still had a few after he single handedly lost that one game to carolina.

you need to ban pissonadawg, too. he’s an idiot.

Larvell "SugarBear" Blanks

September 15th, 2009
10:19 am

Shultzie,

As usual you and the Count ROCK! Any truth to the rumour that Ms Oudin is offering manner lessons to Serena and KW? How low have we come when these louts hide behind something called a Twitter Account. Serena, it must have taken more than one of your balls to come out and apologize. Wow, who knew these Jehovah Witnesses talked like this?

Pi$$onaDawg

September 15th, 2009
10:21 am

Ellie Nastazy? Mr. NASTY. Connors, and Big MAC changed Tennis in the 80’s because of their outburst. serena knows that is no longer acceptable.

Jeff Schultz

September 15th, 2009
10:27 am

For those making Federer references — Honestly, I didn’t see, what happened? I only watched a few minutes of the match. Did he punch the guy he lost to?

Toots — Thanks. I think we can all agree the Zagnut is one of the world’s great under-appreciated delicacies.

Larvell –That’s true. How low does one have to be to communicate through Twitter. By the way, follow me @SchultzAJC!!!!!!!

La Jolla Dawg

September 15th, 2009
10:27 am

If it is no longer acceptable to throw tantrums in tennis then why do so many of the male players still throw rackets and challenge the calls (Federer yesterday for example)? I am not excusing Serena, just saying tennis did not all of a sudden go back to civility after the ’80’s. Shot spot has eliminated some of the arguing/outbursts, but not all.

Hollywould

September 15th, 2009
10:28 am

Jeff, I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday in D.C. The new name for Hall in redskin
territory is Deangela. I laughed when I heard that one.

La Jolla Dawg

September 15th, 2009
10:29 am

Federer cursed the head umpire for allowing Del Potro to challenge a call late.

JSS

September 15th, 2009
10:29 am

“Anybody who screams racism for no reason and tries to stir it up on this blog gets deleted, it’s that simple. It works that way on both sides of my aisle.”
ROTFLMAO!!!
Man, if I smoked weed, drank booze, or did narcotics; I’d want some of what you’re inhaling, shooting, or ingesting… Incredible!!!

Sample list (Of closeted code word users)…
Anything written by
Bug Killer
“Chef” Tim Dix
Stendec
Yellowfuzz
Realist
George Holman
fingers are getting tired… It is infinite… Hmmmm… I wonder if Jeff Schultz ever considered banning himself? Remember, Storm Thurmond had a black daughter for 60 years. Using a code word makes you no less complicit, just makes you a coward…

The Dogfighter Returns

September 15th, 2009
10:32 am

jeff your list is incomplete. you forgot tilla tequilla.

Just Wondering

September 15th, 2009
10:32 am

What about the look on the line judges face when she, Serena, and the other officials were talking near the net…She looked really frightened! Did she really think Serena was going to hurt her? I can see being PO’d at Serena remarks, but frightened? I think becasue Serena is a tall and dark- skinned Black woman, the chick freaked out. I have seen it happen myself. Some one of eastern decent saw my wife and I literally ran in terror. Even though we made no threatening jestures towrads her, and had every right to be where we were. It was same look the line judge had. I think the actions of Serena, the SC congressman, the Oregon football player, and Kayne were bad, but we now we live in a society that when you screw up, people pile on. No room for erroe. To me that stinks just as bad as well.