Blank’s fortune cookie: Parcells is goin’ down

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This week's Chalkboard submissions from "Larvell" (Danica), "Bugman" (Norton) and "Alsim" (Petrino). Have a thought for next week? Drop it in the suggestion box below.

It was approximately one year and nine months ago when Bill Parcells reaffirmed his existence as that slimy green gob of ick you’re left with every time you forget about the leftover chicken lo mein on the third shelf in the back of the fridge, as if it wasn’t bad enough that it had MSG in it and it gave your wife a headache, as if she needs another headache, because, like, you know, it was a weekend night and . . . wait, where was I?

He only lies when his lips are moving.

He only lies when his lips are moving.

Oh yeah. Bill Parcells: ick. In December of 2007, he led Arthur Blank to believe he was about to accept a job to run the Falcons, the only problem being that he really was going to accept a job with Miami, which was fine because after Jim Mora and Michael Vick and federal agents and Bobby Petrino and a 4-12 season, I mean, hey, why not just throw a pie in the guy’s face on national TV and be done with it?

Of course, all has turned out well. Faustus/Wayne Huizenga closed the deal with Parcells. Good luck with that. Parcells operates in any job like he’s double-parked, which includes the time he coached one team in a Super Bowl (New England) while secretly negotiating with another (New York Jets), possibly the most despicable thing a coach can do. Oh wait. Forgot about Petrino.

Anyway, it’s worked out for both teams. But don’t you get the feeling this game means a little something extra to Blank?

The Falcons open against Miami. I’m going to venture a guess that it won’t be as easy as when they opened against Detroit last season. But it’s Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Tony Gonzalez and Roddy White against a Dolphins team threatening to use the Wildcat. (Ooooh, the Wildcat.) Yeah, I know problems on defense. But this week, an owner gets payback. Falcons win and cover 4.

FABER COLLEGE

(Where Knowledge is Good)

Here's Joe Cox, hoping to shut everybody up.

Here's Joe Cox, hoping to shut everybody up.

Poultry at Dog Meat: Joe Cox doesn’t think people who’ve never played college football should criticize him. I’m wondering if this same philosophy applies to a plumber who criticizes a politician for a bad decision, or the mom who’s upset with the mechanic for not realizing he dropped a wrench in the radiator, or the goomba who put too much salt in your Bouillabaisse, because, even though you’ve never actually made Bouillabaisse yourself, you’ve eaten it before and you know what it’s supposed to taste like. I’m sure Joe Cox is a good kid. But this would be a good time to just worry about getting into the end zone this week instead of pontificating on the background noise. Because, dude, you’re in the SEC. And on that note: Hey, South Carolina’s offense might even be worse than Georgia’s! Dogs win but won’t cover 7.

Ms. State at Auburn: The Tigers just released details of Gene Chizik’s contract. He has a $500,000 incentive bonus for winning the national title and a $200,000 bonus for winning the SEC. Cool. I’ve got a $10 million incentive in my deal if I can split the atom before lunch next Tuesday. Auburn wins, but won’t cover 14.

UCLA at Tennessee: Vols coach Lane Kiffin and assistant Ed Orgeron both coached at USC, so they know what it feels like to beat UCLA. This would be a good time to get that feeling back because next week they lose all feeling against Florida. Tennessee covers 7 ½.

Florida's next non-conference opponent.

Florida's next non-conference opponent.

TCU at Virginia: Al Groh was hired to get UVA to a new level. Last week, the Cavaliers committed seven turnovers and lost to William and Mary. Mission accomplished. TCU covers 11 ½ on the road.

Lunch at Gators: Georgia opens with Oklahoma State and South Carolina. Florida opens with Charleston Southern and Troy. Does Jeremy Foley blow on Urban Meyer’s soup, too? Gators cover 36.

NFL SIX-PACK

(I drank one)

Lions at Saints: Matthew Stafford: You now play for Mississippi State. The opponent? Inconsequential. But since you asked, it’s Drew Brees vs the NFL’s 32nd ranked defense last year. Think Stafford can keep up? Uh, no. Saints cover 13.

Vikings at Browns: Brett Favre said this week he probably won’t play all 16 games. Nothing like an inspiring pre-season pep talk. Give me the Browns and 4 – and a straight upset.

Broncos at Bengals: How bad are things in the Josh McDaniels’ regime? In his first game, he’s an underdog to the Bengals. Cincinnati covers 4 1/2.

This is when I'm embarrassed to be in the media.

This is when I'm embarrassed to be in the media.

Bears at Packers: Jay Cutler just put $50 on the Bengals. Take the Bears and 3 1/2 and a straight upset.

Bills at Patriots: Does Terrell Owens look at Randy Moss and think, “Is that what happens when you grow up?” And on a related note, Owens woke up this morning in Buffalo. Patriots cover 11.

THURSDAY ONLINE BONUS PICKS!

Clemson at Georgia Tech: C.J. Spiller is a great running back. Jonathan Dwyer, better. Actual factual: Clemson hasn’t beaten a ranked team on the road since 2006. Besides, I look at Dabo Swinney and I still see, um, Dabo Swinney. Jackets cover 4 1/2.

Titans at Steelers: The Rooney family has picked three hired coaches – Chuck Noll, Bill Cowher and Mike Tomlin — and all won Super Bowls. Pretty sure one of them also wrote Genesis. Pittsburgh collects Ring No. 6 tonight and then covers 6.

TOTEBOARD

Last week: Never happened.

Fine! 4-3 straight up, 1-6 against the line. But if you tell anybody I’ll deny it.

94 comments Add your comment

Fredric

September 10th, 2009
1:03 am

Fredric

September 10th, 2009
1:11 am

And, uh, second. (Is anybody out there? And where is that cricket chirping coming from?)

Fredric

September 10th, 2009
1:21 am

Third!!!!!! (Don’t worry, Jeff. I’ve got your back, buddy. We’ll get through this dry spell together.)

DawgNation

September 10th, 2009
1:24 am

Jeff, did you check your picks with Ted Striker first?

Jive Lady

September 10th, 2009
1:30 am

Jeremy not only blows on Urban’s soup, he’s the official taster!

fish head stew

September 10th, 2009
1:38 am

I want Falcons football now, Schultz, my good man, or I’ll have to punch you in the onions.

Saint Simons

September 10th, 2009
1:56 am

(((((( 24 – 10 )))))) hahahahahahahahahahaha

Dan Rooney

September 10th, 2009
2:17 am

We’ll be happy also to help UGA pick a new coach that can actually win the big one after UGA finished melting down this year. Dogs beat the chickens but the meltdown continues.

Opiner

September 10th, 2009
2:25 am

Gee whiz. I remember Bill Parcells playing Arthur Blank for a fool. That was not cool! Kinda surprised more people weren’t disgusted by that. Secretly negotiating a deal with the Jets while preparing the Patriots in their first super bowl. I’ll say this for Nicky Satan. At least he had the decency to refuse to talk to the bammers till after the season was over and put his energies 100% toward the team that was paying him till the end of the season. Not praising Satan. Just seems like he got a pretty raw deal from the media compared to what some of these other slimeballs like Parcells, Petrino, etc.did.

David C

September 10th, 2009
2:42 am

JS – Saints / Det will bankroll me all year. 13 line is stupid. Saints 48-13. Thanks Vegas!

Heath

September 10th, 2009
3:26 am

Tech’s Little Option will begin to be exposed this week as the gimmick it is. Clemson wins, but is it really an upset? Did anyone think Jerry Glanville would have long term prospects?

[...] Blank's fortune cookie: Parcells is goin' down | Jeff Schultz [...]

Vol85

September 10th, 2009
4:32 am

Jeff, what “The Tuna” did to (up until last year had been shooing) Blank(s) was self serving, but typical. As you point out, just look at what he did to the Pats as a point of reference. With Parcells it’s all about making sure that the spotlight is on him and him alone for those 30 minutes before the meter expires. But this is one of those cases where what did NOT happen actually was the best thing that could have happened. BTW: how STUPID is that knickname? Tuna?! What, was “Orange Roughy” already taken?

Picks: I think the ‘Fins might pull an upset, but if they do it will be because of the Falcons’ much reported on problems in the secondary, not the Wild(insert your franchise’s named version here) package. Believe it or not, it’s not that hard to defend a direct snap, one, and there’s no surprise to it any more, two. Regardless of which Chad plays (are they hanging Chads since they play for a Florida based team?), the Birds’ pass coverage is vulnerable.

Yikes: Favre = Parcells with a three day growth thrown in for that much needed rough and tumble look that the NFC North fans crave. What’s that? They play in a dome? Oh well.

Aints vs Saints: Here’s saying Drew throws for more yardage during pregame than Stafford does in the Lions’ first three games. OK, it’s hyperbole, but it’s also the Lions.

Bills vs Pats: Did you e-e-e-e-ev-ur think that prior to Moss going to Foxboro you’d be referring to him as the “grown up” version of anything? Owens is the Parcells/Favre version of the league’s prima dona position, living on their reputations while ignoring the fact that they have held entire franchises for ransome.

Good luck w/that atom splitting thing, Jeff.

DamYankee

September 10th, 2009
5:22 am

I know, I know, it’s football, dammit, but I couldn’t wait to go public with my defection from the Bobby Cox bandwagon. Tues. night was bad enough, yanking Vasquez to go with the Rocking Horse, but at least they won and Bobby may have had reasons (bases loaded in the 6th, second & third w/1 out in the 7th), but last night Tommy is dealing diamonds and doesn’t get a chance to win his own game! Screw Cox! And which one of these losers will be the Braves closer next year? I miss Smoltz trotting in from the bullpen in the 9th, game over.

Bullish-on-the-Falcons

September 10th, 2009
5:45 am

No brainer of the week – San Diego by 9. All day.

Is it Sunday yet?? FALCONS BABY!!!!!!!!!!

Jackets2009

September 10th, 2009
5:54 am

My BFF cousin is a Clemson fan who also told me Clemson would win and it wouldn’t be an upset. Last year I thanked him for the coaching change because Bowden usually beats the Jackets at Death Valley and I think he might have again. Whoever scheduled the Bama game, whether Bowden or the AD, is the one who should have been fired.

Mitch

September 10th, 2009
6:23 am

Great article. Love the headache reference. By the way, I don’t think it would happen, but we can have fantasies, right? Falcons not only win and cover but put a good old fashioned ass “whoopin” on Miami and the D shows up and shows out to the surprise of the entire NFL. Falcons drop 6 touches on the out of water fish 42-3. I know. Remember, it’s a fantasy. I do think we win, though. Off to work. Ya’ll be good.

Give the Parcells twist a rest...

September 10th, 2009
6:39 am

…the Falcons play the Dolphins, not Bill Parcells. Just like the Dawgs play SC, not Steve Spurrier!

JSS

September 10th, 2009
7:02 am

1-6 against the line… 17%
I guess that pilfered jpeg (still have gotten the memo on png I see) didn’t show you any good advice?
What is it? The game is played on the field…
Did you buy any morphine for BVG so he can get some sleep after thinking about how he’s going to stop the Wildcat, the short out and up, and Pat White with that Defense? I guarantee you that the Dolphins will have no problem taking away the Falcons offensive weapons with the exception of Turner.

SatchelBuzz

September 10th, 2009
7:20 am

No gimmicks on the Flats Heath. Funny how people just can’t deal with what’s happening. Great day to be a ‘Jacket!! GO TECH!!!

Richard

September 10th, 2009
7:35 am

19th!!!! Um, what was this blog about again?

JOE THE BLOGGER

September 10th, 2009
7:36 am

Fredric: Stamp collecting is nice way to pass the time. I spend hours on it myself. Did Jeff Shultz really say the Falcons, Dogs, and Jackets are going to win? Tech i can understand… but the other two…were you watching the same teams that I was the last few weeks? Georgia will be lucky to score at all against the new Spurrier (now known as The Quiet One). And the Falcons defense… you have heard of the Steel curtain… they are the swiss cheese speed bump. Honestly Jeff, we Chihuahuas need to start calling you Homer. I just hope you are right and I am wrong. One last possibility: what if Arthur and Bill accidentally get on the elevator together… wouldn’t that be fun?

Cuz

September 10th, 2009
7:47 am

When does Florida start it’s season? And why do they get two preseason games?

JoeV

September 10th, 2009
7:48 am

GO TIGERS!!!

Sleeze

September 10th, 2009
7:59 am

Clemson wins, Falcons win, Dawgs win, but we all lose every time Jeff Schultz puts out another article showing all his wisdom

smartguy

September 10th, 2009
8:02 am

Screw Parcy. Go Falcs!

Beautiful Monte

September 10th, 2009
8:05 am

Heath, just because you were head water boy and jock-strap scrubber for your high school football team doesn’t mean you anything about the sport.

Your characterization of the option as a “gimmick” is, for lack of a better term, dumb. “Gimmicks” do not produce the kinds of results that Georgia Southern and Navy enjoyed with the option. For further evidence of your abject stupidity, read Andy Staples’ piece on Tech’s offense at si.com,

In the meantime, Heath, please do us all a favor and have yourself spayed and/or neutered so you do not contaminate the world with the fruit of your ignorant loins.

Have a great day, and may God bless America!

Papa Smurf

September 10th, 2009
8:06 am

Smurfette and I are going to smurf on over the jpeg to buy some png, tiff, gif and maybe even a couple of PDFs and EPSs.

phinfan

September 10th, 2009
8:06 am

Thanks for picking against my phins. i’m feeling much better about the weekend now. Hopefully your picking Clemson tonight as well ? Yeow Fuzz lives

Marti Hernandez Rojas

September 10th, 2009
8:07 am

Florida actually gets three preseason games.

Gordo

September 10th, 2009
8:08 am

Over/Under on Cox being UGA starter is 4 games, Im taking the under.

Gordo

September 10th, 2009
8:10 am

And love the Browns pick, GO CLEVELAND! I think God has hated the Browns long enough.

mountain_jim

September 10th, 2009
8:23 am

Here’s hoping the FALCONS WIN and someone at the game reams Parcells on a good sign or banner on TV.

LoelGator

September 10th, 2009
8:36 am

Georgia will rise again…What will Saint Simons do then.????

LoelGator

September 10th, 2009
8:37 am

Anybody is a preseason game for Florida

Habersham Dawg

September 10th, 2009
8:46 am

Georgia wins 10-6, Tech wins because Clemson won’t be able to capitalize on Tech’s fumbles, and Falcons win through a ball-control offense that keeps their defense off the field.

C. Tampa Ironworse

September 10th, 2009
8:47 am

Go Falcons, Go Dawgs and Go retire, Bobby Cox!

Ed-Covington

September 10th, 2009
8:50 am

Tech wins, Falcons win & dawgs lose.

GeoffDawg

September 10th, 2009
9:07 am

Joe Cox shouldn’t have said that but I think he’s gotten enough crap over it by now. He’s still an amateur after all and depending on how he plays on Saturday, his QB status may be a non-issue anyway.

Parcells is a duplicitous jerk-face but he had a history before the Falcons job opening. You’ve got to know who you’re getting in bed with and I think Arthur Blank knew he was going after a mercenary and was ok with it if it gave the organization a needed shot in the arm.

Pound

September 10th, 2009
9:14 am

Last time i checked Bill parcells will not be putting on a jersey Sunday…WTF if you guys are worried about BP your going to lose
30-27 Miami…oh by the way Bobby —–Cox….is lost w/o Shuerholz
I was a Braves fan growing up but never a Cox supporter, I respect was he’s done but for what he was given year after year he has not produced when it counted most…happy retirement Bobby its time for someone else to run the ship…I remember in the early 90’s he’d play guys like Sid Bream when Bryan Hunter was a young kid crushing the ball, or he’d play Damon Berryhill instead of a young up & comer like Javy lopez. He’s better about young players now but it cost him in the 90’s

jacket3

September 10th, 2009
9:19 am

Johnson will have the Jackets ready. Last week was a live scrimmage with paying fans. Yeah they made mistakes…three wide open TD’s bungled…score should have been around 50-17. Remember these guys came back 28 points last November in Athens in 15 minutes. Most of them were frosh or sophomores learning the new playbook. Just you wait. Johnson has a few tricks up his sleeve. Jackets cover win by 17.

Yup

September 10th, 2009
9:24 am

Falcons 31 Miami 13

Saints 17 Lions 24 (YUP)

David Smith

September 10th, 2009
9:29 am

What’s with all the cheap shots against Tennessee,Schultz? The Tennessee fans back Lane Kiffin and Tennessee is going 8-4 and going Bowling this Season.

Atomic Mike

September 10th, 2009
9:31 am

Splitting atoms is child’s play. Playing QB for the Lions is for real men as is coaching at Okie St.

leland

September 10th, 2009
9:34 am

Dear Mr. JS–if your source for Cox’s “pontificating” is Bradley’s September 8 blog, then you are flat wrong. He did not say in that blog that he thought those who have not played football should criticize those who are playing. Moreover, there is no indication in that piece concerning what he thinks, and I’m sure you can’t read minds. The crux of what he said was that he had no interest in what fans said, and that he gave due diligence to the source of any comments about his play, though to be sure he made the latter point as irony. What he said he did is what we all do; ignore comments from those who are uninformed. And well he should, and well we should.

Your comments about him were malicious and spiteful. Moreover, the quotes in Bradley’s blog attributed to Cox did not sound like pontificating–they appeared to be an honest, undressed-up answer to a Bradley question.

I think much of your writing is empty, almost pointless, and larded with abortive, labored attempts at humor which as often sound more high-schoolish than grown-upish. Seldom are you mean spirited and bloody minded. But you were today. Your pal, Leland

Hollywould

September 10th, 2009
9:44 am

Leland, You got a man crush on Cox? Sure sounds like it. Falcons, Tech, Ga. all win.

Larvell "SugarBear" Blanks

September 10th, 2009
10:14 am

Shultzie!

Thanks for using my “Driving Lessons with Danica” line. Be sure and look for the DVD to be issued sometime later in the month. Now on to your prodigous predictions. Yes, Dawgs will win but there is no way the cover the 7. Jeff, I was thinking of an appropriate headline for this game that references Game”Cocks” and Joe Cox but I just realized this is a family show. You might consider adding on your chalboard…..”Twitter with Joe Cox”…… nice comments Joe (NOT!)

Hamp from Tuscaloosa

September 10th, 2009
10:44 am

Jeff that first paragraph was hilarious! Good article.

GeoffDawg

September 10th, 2009
11:09 am

Is that a giant zit on the tip of Parcell’s nose? Adult set acne isn’t pretty.

Hillbilly Deluxe

September 10th, 2009
11:15 am

Bill Parcells sort of treated Arthur blank the same way Arthur treated Dan Reeves.

When you get down to it, it’s pretty hard to drop a wrench in a radiator.

I’ve never played college football or even high school football for that matter but Joe Cox might benefit from what my Grandpa used to tell me, “Boy, never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut”.
He has a right to say anything he wants to but it might be wiser not to make enemies when you don’t have to, Save it for a battle that matters.