Weekend Predictions: I see Dogs, Bees, economic recovery
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Because there’s some guy in Western Colorado so obsessed over the national debt that he designed a 16-digit calculator just so he could type out the number ($11,792,918,170,836.43, half of which DeAngelo Hall is responsible for), and because American Express just raised my interest rate because, “We wouldn’t want to have to cut out our valuable services instead,” (I must’ve missed it when they washed my car and made me a sandwich), and because the government stole the concept of a cash-for-clunkers program that we invented years ago . . .
Hello. I am back.
I need football. It has been too long. I have been struggling. Feelings grow on me like mildew. Yuck.
Joni has looked at clouds from both sides now. But did she ever study game tape? I think not.
I have been wandering through the self-help section in the bookstore. Joni Mitchell sings to me in my head. Just the other day, I asked my wife the question that usually only women ask men, and of course leads every guy to run out the door screaming, looking for safe haven, and possibly a bowl of onion dip and the remote control. That question: “What are you thinking?”
Feelings. Away with you! Time to grunt again!
You know how this works. Every week, I give you the winners. It’s your job to find them. Because of our enormous success over the past several fiscal seasons, financial powers from all over the globe have attempted to copy our system, obvious exceptions being the treasury, General Motors and condo developments financed by Rich Rodriguez.
With this constant threat of thievery, we are forced to occasionally plant phony “losses.” You should be able to spot these “bad” picks pretty easily, assuming you’ve studied the code book I mailed out in July. If you didn’t get your copy, simply mail us the standard $125 replacement fee, and you’ll get a new book within 10 days. If you still don’t receive it, just mail another $125, and we’ll keep trying this until we get it right.
This is Mike Gundy. You've probably heard: He's a man and he's 40! But his defense is empty noise.
It’s a typical first week. A lot of bad games, with one notable exception: Georgia vs. Typically Overrated Passing Skeleton Team from the Big 12. The Bulldogs have lost their stars, Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno. But there is good news. Getting pounded by Florida and Alabama and losing at home to Georgia Tech prevents any possibility of a letdown, unless you consider getting whacked by a sledgehammer as some emotional high.
Oklahoma State can score. But their defense is bad by even Big 12 standards. If Oklahoma State’s defense was the military, it would be the Swiss Army, attacking with the tooth pick. (Damn! Lost the tooth pick again! But wait — aha, the cork screw! Epee. En Garde . . .”)
The Bulldogs are getting 5 1/2 points. Grab them. I see Cowboys getting flattened by the run. I see profits. I see some CEO at American Express crawling back to me and telling his assistant, “Shirley, pay the man.” Dogs win this straight up.
Early Season Value Menu
(Add fries and a salad and have seven Michigan players rototiller your backyard between practices at 4 a.m. for only 99 cents)
♦ Jax State at Georgia Tech: The Jackets have a preseason ranking (15) for the first time in eight years. They’ll celebrate it by dismembering possibly the 15th best team in Alabama, or just one spot ahead of Auburn. There’s no official line on this game since Jacksonville State is a 1-AA team but let’s set it at 27, since that was the margin of victory last season (41-14), and that was when most players thought Paul Johnson was speaking Greek. Tech covers.
I'm really going to miss this schlub.
♦ Virginia Tech vs. Alabama: The Tide ended last season with two losses (Florida, Utah). The last time that happened, Mike Shula got fired. Hey, just saying. These teams are mirror images: great defense, anemic offense. Was going to go all Hokie on you until VaTech lost its starting running back, Darren Evans. Alas, the ACC takes another lump on the noggin. Tide wins but take the Hokies and 6 1/2.
♦ Western Kentucky at Tennessee: Phil Fulmer is gone. Now I know how Johnny Carson felt when Richard Nixon resigned and he lost half his monologue. Fortunately, Lane Kiffin already has been a suitable replacement. It’s sort of like if Nixon was replaced by, I dunno, Curly Howard. And how many times can one man confuse the pancake mix with the gun powder? Boom. But Vowels cover 30.
♦ Louisiana Tech at Auburn: Did you know that Auburn ranked seventh in the nation in sports revenue last year at $89.31million, more than even Alabama? All of which of course begs the question again: How did they end up with Gene Chizik? I kinda like the 13 points in this one. Tigers win but don’t cover.
♦ Miami at Florida State: I remember when this game took place later in the season. But then both schools felt it’d be better to move it into early September when they could be sure it would still mean something. A loss wouldn’t go down easy for Bobby Bowden. The man’s already had his get-out-of-jail-free card voided by the NCAA. FSU covers 6.
Web-Only Thursday Bonus Pick
Is it me or did he look smarter in orange?
♦ Columbia (non-Ivy) at N.C. State: It was easy to understand Steve Spurrier leaving Tim Tebow off his ballot for the All-SEC first team. The poor guy’s been stuck at South Carolina and he doesn’t know what a good quarterback looks like any more. Either that or he’s just somewhat disoriented from the Gamecocks losing their final three games last season (Florida, Clemson, Iowa) by a combined score of 118-30, give or take a major organ. Meanwhile, in the adjacent state: Look out for the Wolfies this season. They cover 5.
Financial Ledger
♦ Last season: 101-48 straight up, 76-71-2 against the spread.
♦ This season (projections, but just trust me on this):137-12 straight up, 95-27-27 against the line.
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182 comments Add your comment
Gbal
September 3rd, 2009
6:23 am
I am all over this UGA pick. OU – No “D” and lost two key starters.
UGA D has something to prove. Owens and Geno will show Gundy what a real man has. 1-0 into home opener VS the Visor. …..First?????
Gbal
September 3rd, 2009
6:24 am
WOW – ….FIRST!!! AND 2nd!!! hey great post above!!!
Gbal
September 3rd, 2009
6:26 am
Really….1st!!!
archangeladidas
September 3rd, 2009
6:32 am
man you better hope this garbage win. I doubt it though. ok.st by 14. GO GATORS!!!
Heath
September 3rd, 2009
6:40 am
Yokelhoma State’s starting tight end quit the team. At least HE won’t lose this week.
Brad in Jasper
September 3rd, 2009
7:13 am
Vintage Schultz. I like the serious articles, but your wacky ones are even better – and I’m a wacky kinda guy.
I agree on the UGA SU pick. I’m a sucker for the triple up bets SU on Miami and SC, though. Spurrier always seems to pull out a quality win or two even with the clunkers, and Miami/FSU is a toss-up these days. First week or two is so unknown by even the clandestine Vegas masters, ya might as well play the good odds. Anything over 33% is profit, baby, versus trying to master a 60% spread call knowing very little about the new season.
Beyond that, I base my entire mortgage on your sage advice this season, Jeff. No pay for picks web sites, 1-900 numbers, or any of that. What’s your home address again, by the way?
MiltonDawg
September 3rd, 2009
7:19 am
Absolutely UGA!!! Agree with most of your picks JS but i’m calling an upset—VA TECH over UA and Miami wins at FSU. We’re finally here!!!!!
mike on lake hartwell
September 3rd, 2009
7:31 am
THANK YOU JEFF!
WELCOME BACK!
AND TO THINK, THE NEXT WEEKEND PREDICTIONS
IS ONLY 7 DAYS AWAY!!!!!
GTPUG
September 3rd, 2009
7:31 am
Be very careful pup fans – if you read into the article he has some picks that he really believes the other team will win – example Oklahoma State – - sorry pup fans dogs come home 0/1
“TO HELL WITH GEORGIA”
Corrine Brown
September 3rd, 2009
7:33 am
I like Rich Rod’s Michigan team to easily to cover the 3 hours on Sunday!
Tx Longhorn
September 3rd, 2009
7:50 am
No way UGA beats OSU. Finally a chance for Big 12 to put the lights out on SEC – and that’s how it will be – Cowboys by 14.
SomewhereinGA
September 3rd, 2009
7:52 am
We will be ready GTPUG…will you be ready against the Little Sisters of the Poor? Are any of your games sold out yet…just wondering.
"VICK SUPPORTER" $upporter
September 3rd, 2009
7:57 am
2009 Football Season Predictions
I see:
* Crimson Tide Beating Hokies… Badly
* Jail
* Drug Addiction
* Suspension
* Protest Demonstrations
* Eagles #7 as #1 in NFL Jersey Sales (Your Tax Dollars at Work)
* Further Evidence of the Failure of the Virginia Public School System
* Illegal Possession of Firearms
* More Jail
Habersham Dawg
September 3rd, 2009
8:01 am
Hey, Schultz, did you see were Paul Johnson got arrested for slapping a two year old kid in Walmart? I know it was him, saw his picture in the paper this morning. Man, he sure is a soured old cuss, isn’t he.
What?
September 3rd, 2009
8:07 am
Typical inbred comment from Habersham Dawg.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart – Robert Kenner | Watch Tv & Share …
September 3rd, 2009
8:09 am
[...] Weekend Predictions: I see Dogs, Bees, economic recovery | Jeff … [...]
David
September 3rd, 2009
8:15 am
Georgia wins easily just like they did against AZ St last year, Hawaii the year before, Boise State the year before, Clemson a couple of years before…
Required Reading | Hard Knox Sports
September 3rd, 2009
8:17 am
[...] Best line about Fulmer ever in Schultz’s weekend predictions. [AJC] [...]
WH
September 3rd, 2009
8:20 am
Jeff:
Hope you are ready to eat crow with all your “witty”sarcasm directed at Coach Chizik.
Jeff Schultz
September 3rd, 2009
8:23 am
Gbal – first, second and third. A money sweep! Check’s in the mail.
Arcchang – hey, doesn’t Florida have some really tough game to get ready for this week? Gainesville School of TV Repair or something like that?
Brad in Jasper – Your mortgage fund is safe. But if you’re worried, I can hold it for you. .. I live off 400. Exit 7A. Follow scent of nacho cheese.
MiltonDawg – really wanted to push the button on the VaTech pick but couldn’t do it.
St Simon
September 3rd, 2009
8:24 am
Archangeladidas & GTPUG, we still meeting at the Atlanta Eagle??? ((((((I can’t wait!!!!)))))HaHaHaHaHa
MightyQuinn
September 3rd, 2009
8:28 am
What, no pre-season Falcons pick?
Habersham Dawg
September 3rd, 2009
8:31 am
Not typical, or inbred “What?”. Actually it’s clever and insightful. But happy to see that the comparison hurts so much that you felt the pain. The real question is when will the mistreatment stories start leaking out like they did with George O’Leary. You remember when George had a player intentionally injured during practice? Old Paul seems cut from the same cloth.
Bob Horner had a sweet compact swing
September 3rd, 2009
8:44 am
Jeff….you’re doomed, doomed I tell you..(Dr. Smith LIS)…I agree on all of your picks….who’s Curly Howard…?? that one went over my head…
Large Orange
September 3rd, 2009
8:49 am
Hey Jeff Schittz…..I have some good crow recipes for you.You will really like the “Roast Crow with Big Orange Sauce” I think you will be eating a lot of it this season. Get off of Fulmer already…..he is gone and now you have to contend with Lane Kiffin and company. They are going to surprise a lot of people this year. I cannot wait to read your excuse column after UT kicks UGA’s butt out of Neyland Stadium. I will send those recipes on Saturday right after OK State waxes UGA.
Dooley's Cardiologist
September 3rd, 2009
8:52 am
The UGA game will probably be another Arizona State game. A lot of hype, but in the end UGA will take it down. Did I just say that.
bugman
September 3rd, 2009
8:52 am
Chalkboard fodder:
Eat Nachos
Slap Norton (get in line)
Watch Schultz mow lawn
satchmo
September 3rd, 2009
8:53 am
American Express isn’t just screwing thier customers, they’re screwing their employees too. They no longer contribute to the retirement program and they’re raised the cost and lowered the value of health insurance. The way they’re watching the bottom line, I’m wondering if they’re trying to help UAT pay Saban’s salary.
Joey
September 3rd, 2009
8:55 am
Will Tech players get another ring after Jax State?
Larvell "SugarBear" Blanks
September 3rd, 2009
8:55 am
Shultzie,
How in the world do you keep topping yourself with your out of this world prognostications! I would however ad a suggesstion to your chalboard. And that is simply……Driving Lessons with Danica.
Howard
September 3rd, 2009
8:58 am
Excellent commments as usual…loved the pic of Phil Fulmer, flop sweat and all. Kiffin is a dweeb, but speaking from a journalism standpoint, he is no Great Pumpkin. You need to sponsor a contest for readers…choose where Phil Fulmer will coach next…or better….which chump team will pay Chan Gailey a dime to coach. As for Chizik…he stunk at Iowa State…but who wouldn’t in thta state. You’re right about UGA-Okie State…except for Texas and maybe Oklahoma…every school from that conference is over-rated as hell. Remember Mississippi blasting Texas Tech and Mike Leach. Leach and Gundy…sounds like a vaudeville act.
reebok
September 3rd, 2009
8:58 am
Curly Howard was one of the 3 Stooges, Bob. On the subbject of football, I’m a G-Tech fan, but even I admit that the surest bet on the board this week is UGA to win straight up against Okie State. The points are a gift.
tom-vinings
September 3rd, 2009
9:03 am
Good picks, but the UPSET special is to take the point and watch Meeechigan lose to direction state Meeechigan. I am not sure RichRod can cover the 3 hours either, Corrine… he is feeling weepy, and may take a break for a good cry (for his kids, of course).
TommyGator
September 3rd, 2009
9:04 am
Jeff,
I’m not sure the Vomiteers offense can score 30 against air! No QB, no receivers. I guess Eric Berry can score on three pick sixes, and leave the four FGs up to the O.
blazerdawg
September 3rd, 2009
9:06 am
Gald WP is back! Made my day.
Herschel Talker
September 3rd, 2009
9:23 am
Schultzie – please discuss Greg Norton
Where have you gone Jim Bob Cooter ?
September 3rd, 2009
9:27 am
Only two games of any import here- UGA at OK St and USC at NCSt-
Even a rebuilding UGA has playmakers and athletes that OSU can only dream of. On the other hand ,OSU has Willie Martinez to fall back on. Yeah , I know he coaches Georgia’s “defense”,but the Okies have to be licking their chops thinking about rolling up 500+ yards against the confused pups D.I like GA ,but only if the offense can jell and control the clock.If its a track meet,GA goes home 0-1.
Elsewhere,I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this may be the biggest game of Spurriers regime at USC. His team won by 5 touchdowns last year (albeit at Columbia) , but NCSt is still seen to be a year or two away from being the powerhouse that people seem to think that they will be.Basically , it comes down to offense. If Stephen Garcia can’t get any pass protection from his underachieving O-Line,it’ll be a long night for the poultry.A loss here sets up a 1-3 start and even the faithful alumni will start looking for the NEXT BIG THING to take over the program.Its SEC vs. ACC and I like the SEC.
By the Way, Did You Know……………. « Callsign Snoopys Doghouse
September 3rd, 2009
9:30 am
[...] Weekend Predictions: I see Dogs, Bees, economic recovery | Jeff … [...]
dbc
September 3rd, 2009
9:30 am
Check out the Pokes vs. Dawgs prediction from College Football News:
http://cfn.scout.com/2/894662.html
Hail to the Victors, you know the song is in your head!
September 3rd, 2009
9:31 am
What’s up with the hate for Michigan, or is it GIN BLOSSOMS (Hey, Jealously)? I believe two years ago the BEAT mighty SEC Fla.
Rich Rod might not be the man, but love those helmets and fight song!
Geoff
September 3rd, 2009
9:35 am
UGA will get creamed. They have the better qb, better receiver, better punt returner and better running back. Hmm, that’s a lot of offense against willie m.
OSU coasts to a smooth victory 37-24
turkey
September 3rd, 2009
9:42 am
Ok Willie no excuses this time.
Billy T
September 3rd, 2009
9:44 am
Does anyone know what the Shanghai index closed at?
Topp Dogg
September 3rd, 2009
9:49 am
What no line in GT vs Blind School for girls.
gatorsam
September 3rd, 2009
9:55 am
Enter your comments here
gatorsam
September 3rd, 2009
9:57 am
Put the predictions earlier in your columns, leave the “funny?” stuff to Conan. Save paper. save trees.
Gatorzone
September 3rd, 2009
10:01 am
UGA
Better Defense
Better Conference
Better Coach
Better History
Equals a Victory on Saturday
Dawgs are used to this kind of game whereas the Pokes are not. This has national exposure and major ramifications. Richt is REALLY good in these type of first game circumstances and it appears that the cracks are showing in OSU’s coach. I look for UGA to dominate in this one.
zzggyy
September 3rd, 2009
10:05 am
You actually PAY to have a credit card?! Your credibility just took a huge hit.
Ryno
September 3rd, 2009
10:06 am
THE “PUNCH PETRINO” MESSAGE ON THE CHALKBOARD NEEDS TO STAY UP THE ENTIRE SEASON.
the evil rich
September 3rd, 2009
10:06 am
I thought the predictions WERE the funny stuff….BTW, How many Obamas does it take to change a light bulb? NONE, He only promises change.