Countdown: Cougars, Shockley, and Brady says, ‘Kiss my …’

Cover your eyes, Count.

We here at Tuesday Countdown, Inc., understand that these are tough economic times, particularly in sports. Atlanta is no exception. The Braves, Hawks, Thrashers, Falcons and pretty much everybody outside of the football conglomerate in Athens is struggling to sell tickets. Del Mar, the resort of horse racetracks just outside of San Diego, has had similar problems. So what did they do? They tried to market themselves to the lowest common denominator, of course. (That’s us, guys.) As always at this time of the week, we Count . . .

10. Cougars! (The new black?)

And down the stretch(marks) they come! How desperate (creative?) are the marketing folks at Del Mar? Last week they held a “Miss Cougar 2009″ contest. For the uninitiated, a “Cougar’ is an older (or mature) woman (or tramp) who frequents (or prowls) clubs in search of younger (by decades) male company. See how carefully I navigated that? Really, a “Cougar” is just a female version of most 40-and-over guys. But, noooo. Nobody named us after something in the animal kingdom. We’re just called creeps.

9. “Hi, I sell real estate” (duh)

Two stars of a recent claiming race at Del Mar.

Here’s an actual statement from track officials: “Del Mar won’t hide that the seaside track is known for attracting Cougars of all kind. The mature ladies on the prowl have come to be a staple element of Del Mar’s charm.” I’m sorry. But why do I feel like I’m sitting in the lobby of the Mustang Ranch? Oh yes. Our ladies are very classy and dignified, the kind of women you can take to your nephew’s Bar Mitzvah. I have a good friend who lives in Del Mar. He remarked that several participants looked to be beyond their “sell by date.” The winner of the inaugural Ms. Cougar contest was Rosie Goldstein. She sells real estate. (Fill in your own punchline.)

8. So why stop here?

Keith Chamblin, an industry spokesman, told the San Diego Union-Tribune: “While not every track can get away with a Miss Cougar contest, no track has more to market than Del Mar. They should be applauded for being innovative.” Yes. Innovative. Just wondering. Do you see this as potential for Atlanta? Would the Braves be up for a “Johnny’s Hideaway Night?” How about “Cheetah” strippers at Hawks games ($1 bills to the first 5,000 fans)? The Cheerleaders of the NFC South doing some interpretive dance at Falcons’ games? Hey, the soft-porn pitch seems to be working at Del Mar. Attendance is up. So much for Family Nights.

7. Whips and Bo Derek

I Googled Bo Derek and horses and this was the safest photo I could find.

(Why did I know you would keep reading?) So I’m not making this up. Del Mar JUST ANNOUNCED that it will require riders to use softer whips. Actress Bo Derek is on the horse racing board out there and actually suggested it. If you’re in need of further commentary, I’ll be standing outside of my office on Marietta St. at the close of business Friday, after I’ve collected my last paycheck.

6. Jesse Jackson: Knucklehead

And now for something completely different. With rumors that Michael Vick may soon sign with an NFL team, I just wanted to get this out of the way: Jesse Jackson is a moron. The man has done some good work. But he loses all credibility when he goes to lengths for a soundbite, which is too often. In a New York Times story the other day, Jackson actually suggested NFL owners must be colluding because nobody had signed Vick, completely ignoring all of the logical reasons why that was happening. And — here’s where he really loses consciousness — Jackson likened Vick’s plight to Jackie Robinson’s. The worst part is that columnist William Rhoden actually seemed to agree with him, writing: “Many fair-minded baseball owners had the same concerns about Robinson that fair-minded NFL owners today have about Vick: What will critics say? How will the public respond?” There might be an element of truth to that. But it’s the worst of analogies to compare somebody who had been held out of professional sports because of his race — and only his race — and somebody who was given a $130 million contract, regardless of his race, only to do throw everything away on a stupid venture. Michael Vick is not a pioneer and history will not and should not view them in the same historical context.

5. Brady to Belichick: “Kiss my …”

It turns out that sometimes Bill Belichick is a hard guy to please, even when you've won three Super Bowls.

(Notice a theme developing here?)

A couple of pretty interesting comments from Tom Brady in the September issue of Details magazine. Here are the two that stand out.

♦  On coach Bill Belichick: “Sometimes, during practice, you throw a bad ball — that’s the way it goes. But the video comes up and [Belichick] says, ‘Brady, you can’t complete a damn hitch.’ And I’ll be sitting there thinking, I’m a [bleeping] nine-year veteran, I’ve won three [bleeping] Super Bowl, he can kiss my [bleep].”

♦ On having a child out of wedlock with actress Bridget Moynahan: “That’s not how you envisioned your life, that’s not how you envisioned having children, but it happens. Life is not living in the suburbs with a white picket fence. That is not life. Somehow our American culture has made it out that that’s what life needs to be — and that if it’s not that, it’s all screwed up. It’s not. You go through life and you try the best you can.”

Just waiting for Details to give Ms. Moynahan equal time. I’m sure she’d have a wonderful take on the white picket fence and Gisele Bundchen.

4. “See if you can guess what I am now?”

How much would you pay to see Smoltz and Wren replicate the food fight scene from Animal House?

The Braves’ game against Philadelphia Friday also will be “Greek Night,” featuring a step show with teams from Omega Psi Phi, Delta Sigma Theta, Kappa Alpha Psi and Alpha Phi Alpha. I guess this means the Delta House from Faber College will not be participating. However, Frank Wren and John Smoltz will be recreating the food fight scene in the Fan Plaza.

3. Is Shockley in trouble?

The Falcons’ depth chart is out and Matt Ryan is No. 1 at quarterback. Who knew? More importantly, this is the way the three other quarterbacks stack up behind him: Chris Redman-D.J. Shockley-John Parker Wilson. I’m not saying Shockley is in trouble. But I would’ve thought by this stage that he’d be the backup to Ryan. If Shockley is not the No. 2, then he’s going to have to scramble to just make the team. He’s already been on the roster for three seasons and that’s a pretty long life shelf life for a third-string quarterback. The term “fourth-year third-stringer” isn’t heard often. Bottom line: Shockley needs to dazzle in exhibition games.

2. Even more soft-porn!

Last week, the Tennessee football team posed topless in front of a Lamborghini for a team poster. Fortunately, Phil Fulmer had already been fired or we’d all go blind. Now it’s Georgia Tech’s turn. The Yellow Jackets flexed in front of some yellow muscle car, a sort of reward for the players’ work in the weight room. When asked if the above picture was the team poster, spokesman Dean Buchan said, “It’s a poster, it’s not THE poster.” Translation: They won’t be sold to the public. From a Georgia Tech football blog:

“Coach [Eric] Ciano (GT Head of Strength and Conditioning) develops a theme each year for the poster. In the past, the team has taken the photo with luxury cars, military vehicles, Harley Davidson motorcycles, and even movie themes, like last years poster which was based around the movie “300.” This year, the theme is centered on the summer blockbuster hit, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Two of the “Autobots” from the film, Ironhide and Bumblebee were present for the photo. It was a very exciting morning!”

I would’ve thought catching Georgia’s defense with their pants down last year was satisfying enough. But oh well.

1. Coming soon . . .

The bloggers of the AJC Sports Department calendar. Just one question for the masses: What species are we? (This should be good.)