Hello, world! Meet my blog and Lindsay Lohan

  So welcome to the new me.

  As you can see, the new me is missing part of my head. (OK. There’s the underhanded softball pitch. Go ahead. Whack it out of the park. “Hey Schultz! I know where the rest of your head is! Hahahahahahahaha.”)

  As soon as I figure all this new technology out, it should be pretty cool.

  But be patient.

  You have to understand that when I started in the business, we had typewriters and paste buckets and, well, newspapers.

This used to be me, sort of

(That should get me fired.)

   The great thing about this new technology is rather than send columns and blogs to editors — who mutilate the copy (industry term) and then write spectacular misleading headlines aimed primarily to grab your attention and get me in trouble (that won’t get me fired; it will merely get my tires slashed by the night crew) — I now will be able to directly post stories myself and write my own headlines!

  I should warn you, however. Given that today’s online media is all about “page views” (industry term No. 2), there is a very good chance that no matter what I’m writing about, headlines are going to be along the lines of: “Bikini’d Lindsay Lohan Spotted with Matthew Stafford!”

  Or, “Scarlett Johansson Says Wren Blew It Big Time With Smoltz.

  Or, “Kate Walsh Says She’s Pulling For Belkin in Atlanta Spirit Trial!”

I love these new cheap page view tools!

This new technology also will allow me to insert faster links to stories, video clips and I believe the produce section at Kroger. But I would never, never, NEVER resort to something so cheap as to insert mysterious porno clips lifted from, say, Tucson, Arizona, cable distributors during Super Bowl broadcasts, because that would be just an easy and cheap tool to pump my own page views.

  (Pause for effect.)

  Where was I? OK. I’m now going to go back and read the blog users manual. You may resume your debate about the futures of Keith Brooking and Paul Hewitt. (Cross-promotion blogging tool.)

  I think I’m getting the hang of this.

 And now, onto this week’s . . .Tuesday Countdown.

 10. What do you do when you want to announce something, but you’re not really sure it’s worth announcing, and you’re really kind of embarrassed to even bring it up, so you decide that the best course of action is to slide a note under a closed door, run down the hall and peek around the corner like a bunch of weasels? Easy. You do what the Falcons did last week.

Artwork by TMZ.com

 9. The Falcons announced they would try to trade Michael Vick. Really? And what’s next week’s announcement? That Jamal Anderson won’t be the gatekeeper for the team’s pharmaceutical closet? The Falcons/Vick divorce has been obvious for months. So has the fact that he is not tradable because: 1) His remaining contract could double the national debt; 2) Roger Goodell hasn’t said when he’ll lift the suspension; 3) Teams don’t trade for guys who have been sitting in jail without knowing his state of mind or the condition of his legs; 4) duh.

 8. This more than likely is a precursor to Vick being released (potential cap ramifications notwithstanding). The team apparently felt compelled to say something but sensed the whole thing looked stupid and didn’t want to answer questions that made them look even more stupid. So, they had general manager Thomas Dimitroff do a Q-and-A with himself on the team’s website, which basically said nothing and made them look even more stupid. I’m just so impressed that Thomas Dimitroff didn’t allow himself to get cornered by Thomas Dimitroff with a difficult question. TD: “You can’t ask me that!” TD: “Yes I can!”

 7. On a related note, the White House announced Tuesday that it has suspended all news conferences for the remainder of 2009, but President Obama will be conducting Q-and-As with himself on the economy.

 6. The Steve Belkin vs. non-Steve Belkin trial begins today. If you haven’t read it, check out Kristi Swartz’s story from Sunday. The trial could be great theater. I’m just hoping the full Atlanta Spirit bobblehead collection is available at concessions.

Bonus points if you can name everybody in this picture.

5. Oh look — the Thrashers traded yet another player who was supposed to make the difference. Check.

4. Teflon Don Waddell’s three biggest acquisitions this year were overpaying for free agent defenseman Ron Hainsey and trading for forward Jason Williams and defenseman Mathieu Schneider. Result: The team stinks. Hainsey has the worst plus-minus (-15) among Thrasher defensemen. Williams played like he didn’t want to be here (give him credit for that) and had seven goals in 41 games before being traded to Columbus. Schneider, for all of the praise of his work with rookie Zach Bogosian, was really mediocre at best and a minus-10. On Monday he was dealt to Montreal for draft picks. Isn’t this where we came in?

 3. And so it begins: Mike Hampton has left the Astros camp with an irregular heartbeat. General manager Ed Wade called it a “glitch.” Somebody hasn’t read the file.

Mike Hampton poses for paparazzi in Astros training camp.

 2.  So I started “Twittering” – I know. Shoot me now – and decided I will “follow” a few people on the social network on the new blog. These people will be rotated, pending “news” value. I also will take suggestions. My early choices were: comrade Kristi Swartz, who is covering the Atlanta Spirit trial; Shaquille O’Neal, who felt he needed to set the record straight from a phony “Shaq” Twitter; Lance Armstrong, because I’m still hoping he’ll tell me why he left Sheryl Crow; and Brooke Burke, because, well, just because. But I dropped Burke Monday after she informed TwitNation Monday: “Having my morning coffee. Watching the rain.”

1: Found a couple of “Michael Vick’s” on Twitter. Assuming they’re fake. Waiting for statement from the Falcons.