Hello, world! Meet my blog and Lindsay Lohan

  So welcome to the new me.

  As you can see, the new me is missing part of my head. (OK. There’s the underhanded softball pitch. Go ahead. Whack it out of the park. “Hey Schultz! I know where the rest of your head is! Hahahahahahahaha.”)

  As soon as I figure all this new technology out, it should be pretty cool.

  But be patient.

  You have to understand that when I started in the business, we had typewriters and paste buckets and, well, newspapers.

This used to be me, sort of

This used to be me, sort of

(That should get me fired.)

   The great thing about this new technology is rather than send columns and blogs to editors — who mutilate the copy (industry term) and then write spectacular misleading headlines aimed primarily to grab your attention and get me in trouble (that won’t get me fired; it will merely get my tires slashed by the night crew) — I now will be able to directly post stories myself and write my own headlines!

  I should warn you, however. Given that today’s online media is all about “page views” (industry term No. 2), there is a very good chance that no matter what I’m writing about, headlines are going to be along the lines of: “Bikini’d Lindsay Lohan Spotted with Matthew Stafford!”

  Or, “Scarlett Johansson Says Wren Blew It Big Time With Smoltz.

  Or, “Kate Walsh Says She’s Pulling For Belkin in Atlanta Spirit Trial!”

I love these new cheap page view tools!

I love these new cheap page view tools!

 

This new technology also will allow me to insert faster links to stories, video clips and I believe the produce section at Kroger. But I would never, never, NEVER resort to something so cheap as to insert mysterious porno clips lifted from, say, Tucson, Arizona, cable distributors during Super Bowl broadcasts, because that would be just an easy and cheap tool to pump my own page views.

  (Pause for effect.)

  Where was I? OK. I’m now going to go back and read the blog users manual. You may resume your debate about the futures of Keith Brooking and Paul Hewitt. (Cross-promotion blogging tool.)

  I think I’m getting the hang of this.

 And now, onto this week’s . . .Tuesday Countdown.

 10. What do you do when you want to announce something, but you’re not really sure it’s worth announcing, and you’re really kind of embarrassed to even bring it up, so you decide that the best course of action is to slide a note under a closed door, run down the hall and peek around the corner like a bunch of weasels? Easy. You do what the Falcons did last week.

Artwork by TMZ.com

Artwork by TMZ.com

 

 

 9. The Falcons announced they would try to trade Michael Vick. Really? And what’s next week’s announcement? That Jamal Anderson won’t be the gatekeeper for the team’s pharmaceutical closet? The Falcons/Vick divorce has been obvious for months. So has the fact that he is not tradable because: 1) His remaining contract could double the national debt; 2) Roger Goodell hasn’t said when he’ll lift the suspension; 3) Teams don’t trade for guys who have been sitting in jail without knowing his state of mind or the condition of his legs; 4) duh.

 8. This more than likely is a precursor to Vick being released (potential cap ramifications notwithstanding). The team apparently felt compelled to say something but sensed the whole thing looked stupid and didn’t want to answer questions that made them look even more stupid. So, they had general manager Thomas Dimitroff do a Q-and-A with himself on the team’s website, which basically said nothing and made them look even more stupid. I’m just so impressed that Thomas Dimitroff didn’t allow himself to get cornered by Thomas Dimitroff with a difficult question. TD: “You can’t ask me that!” TD: “Yes I can!”

 7. On a related note, the White House announced Tuesday that it has suspended all news conferences for the remainder of 2009, but President Obama will be conducting Q-and-As with himself on the economy.

 6. The Steve Belkin vs. non-Steve Belkin trial begins today. If you haven’t read it, check out Kristi Swartz’s story from Sunday. The trial could be great theater. I’m just hoping the full Atlanta Spirit bobblehead collection is available at concessions.

 

Bonus points if you can name everybody in this happy picture.

Bonus points if you can name everybody in this picture.

5. Oh look — the Thrashers traded yet another player who was supposed to make the difference. Check.

4. Teflon Don Waddell’s three biggest acquisitions this year were overpaying for free agent defenseman Ron Hainsey and trading for forward Jason Williams and defenseman Mathieu Schneider. Result: The team stinks. Hainsey has the worst plus-minus (-15) among Thrasher defensemen. Williams played like he didn’t want to be here (give him credit for that) and had seven goals in 41 games before being traded to Columbus. Schneider, for all of the praise of his work with rookie Zach Bogosian, was really mediocre at best and a minus-10. On Monday he was dealt to Montreal for draft picks. Isn’t this where we came in?

 3. And so it begins: Mike Hampton has left the Astros camp with an irregular heartbeat. General manager Ed Wade called it a “glitch.” Somebody hasn’t read the file.

Mike Hampton poses for paparazzi in Astros training camp.

Mike Hampton poses for paparazzi in Astros training camp.

 2.  So I started “Twittering” – I know. Shoot me now – and decided I will “follow” a few people on the social network on the new blog. These people will be rotated, pending “news” value. I also will take suggestions. My early choices were: comrade Kristi Swartz, who is covering the Atlanta Spirit trial; Shaquille O’Neal, who felt he needed to set the record straight from a phony “Shaq” Twitter; Lance Armstrong, because I’m still hoping he’ll tell me why he left Sheryl Crow; and Brooke Burke, because, well, just because. But I dropped Burke Monday after she informed TwitNation Monday: “Having my morning coffee. Watching the rain.”

1: Found a couple of “Michael Vick’s” on Twitter. Assuming they’re fake. Waiting for statement from the Falcons.

 

 

 

 

 

55 comments Add your comment

Gray Mule

February 17th, 2009
11:44 am

Great – For a “rookie” you did all right.
All the pictures were nice. Your wandering mind didn’t stray too far.
Keep up the good work.

Gray Mule

Football Ken

February 17th, 2009
12:03 pm

Hey Jeff,

Said it once, I’ll say it again, don’t be surprised if the NHL relocates our hockey team, AGAIN. How does Waddell still have a job? Somebody tell me. As for Vick, well, he has options as long as Al Davis, Jerry Jones and Bill Parcells are still in the league making decisions. We will undoubtlly have to go to a franchise were management/ownership is a bigger personality than the team.

Mac

February 17th, 2009
12:03 pm

You look just like that guy from the Sarah Silverman show. You know, the slow talking, gay, pothead. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Mac

February 17th, 2009
12:05 pm

Oh, and I hope Lohan’s stint on the other team is an experimental phase and that she’ll come back to heterosexuality one day. Not that I’d have a shot. On second thought, maybe it’s better this way.

T-Bone

February 17th, 2009
12:06 pm

How about pix of a bikini’d Brooke Burke?

PMC

February 17th, 2009
12:18 pm

more bikini’s less industry specific please.

95% less Don Waddell Talk. He should have been fired 5 years ago, now he might as well be moved with the team.

Football Ken

February 17th, 2009
12:20 pm

Jeff,
Forgot bonus question from L-R, that is Larry, Curly , Moe, Ren, Stimpy and Mr.Bill.

Jeff Schultz

February 17th, 2009
1:48 pm

Gray Mule– Thanks…. Football Ken: I can’t answer you on Waddell. This off-season should be interesting, though, especially with Spirit trial undetermined. Clearly, something needs to be done. … You’re right, somebody will sign Vick. But I don’t think it’ll be Dallas. …. Mac: I’m sure you’ve got a lot of wonderful qualities that a young, occasionally over-partied, sexually confused starlet would find attreactive. …. T-bone: OK, maybe Brooke Burke next week. … Football Ken: Close. Very close.

Bo

February 17th, 2009
2:21 pm

Welcome, Jeff.

I see they’re moving columnists to the new forum in the order of competence and quality of material. I’ll look forward to Terence’s arrival following that of all the obituary writers.

Ted Striker

February 17th, 2009
2:47 pm

I’ll take an extra large super supreme hand tossed with extra bacon, pepperoni, italian sausage, and ham. And then add even more bacon. While you’re at it, add two deluxe orders of wings and send some of those chocolate dunkers. This new online read-n-order is the shiznit.

Jan

February 17th, 2009
2:49 pm

Hey Jeff—-There’s hope you for you yet, you liberal marshmellow head. Even you were able to determine that Obama isn’t about to take a question he doesn’t know beforehand and has rehearsed the answer to make sure it doesn’t answer anything. And I thought Bill Clinton was the best at the non-answer, talking points spew. The only person who got anything out of Obama’s press conference was Bill Belichek, who was seen taking notes on how to handle his reporters.

Mike Hampton

February 17th, 2009
3:10 pm

Jeff, I usually get your sarcasm, wit, etc. But I honestly can’t tell if you are serious about Mike Hampton leaving camp with an irregular heartbeat. If you are kidding then obviously I get the joke. Just a little late kinda like “Duh”. But if you are indeed serious then I’m speechless. At this point I would wonder if there’s a medical/psychiatric condition where the mind could actually force a bodily injury or malady in order to get out of work. After all the nonsense from a strained this, a sore that, a tweaked pinky finger, a bad itch, a scratchy scrotum, I thought I had heard and seen it all with this guy as far as ailments both real and imagined that would keep him collecting checks while sitting on his duff.

spotts

February 17th, 2009
3:35 pm

No, Hampton really had an irregular heartbeat. That’s before they even started workouts….is that a record for him? When did he hurt that oblique either last year or the year before?

Great column, Jeff….I really love your dry humor. And that picture of the old you at the typewriter…classic.

I’m digging your new pic too. Your old one always made me think you looked like Daniel Stern

Jeff Schultz

February 17th, 2009
3:46 pm

Ted, you just gave me gas pains. …. Jan, it was a throwaway line. Back to your political corner. …. Mike Hampton: No, I’m serious. But he’s already back in camp. Here’s a link to the update: http://houston.astros.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20090217&content_id=3839130&vkey=news_hou&fext=.jsp&c_id=hou …… Spotts: Thanks. Daniel Stern? Hmmm.

Grahzny Bratchny

February 17th, 2009
3:49 pm

Did not see the Irregular Hearbeat card being played by Hampton. If he’s lucky it will take about 4 months to get that under contol. He’ll be back for the stretch run unless he gets a hangnail on the medicine bottle.

How about operation with Lindsay Lohan?

Dr Richard Handler

February 17th, 2009
3:55 pm

Sergeant: I absolutely love the new blog. The operation game for Mike Hampton was one of the best ever. Happy you have a new outlet! Please give Colonels Hogan and Klink my best.

Brendan

February 17th, 2009
4:09 pm

Jeff, tell me you saw or taped last night’s Thrashers game. Don Waddell was interviewed by Darren Eliot. As usual, they discussed “how close” they are to really turning things around. I put a “verbatim” of the interview on Mike Knobler’s Thrashers blog “Schneider Deal Helped Thrashers.” Denial’s not just a River in Egypt, apparently. It’s seriously worth reading. I swear to God, I didn’t alter a word of it. The content speaks for itself. It goes to show the mentality of the Skipper driving the boat.

At this point, I just want new ownership. I don’t want the current owners and I don’t especially want Belkin, either. What is “the plan?” They know what it is. They’re “not comfortable” sharing what the PLAN is … with the public … who buys their tickets. Which is how they survive, given that 76% of revenues come from the gate. They can’t even come clean about how long the GM and Head Coach are under contract.

I would like someone to seriously sit down with the ownership group and ask them what they think the role and function of a sports agent is. And, as a follow up question, to ask them, “What, specifically, would make a sports agent, who represents a Tier I client, advocate signing on with Atlanta?” To be clear, what would make said sports agent pick up the phone to say the following: ‘Yeah, I’ve completed my research. And the team with the best finances, committment towards spending to the cap limit, and proven infrastructure, sure to fill your line with studs, to help you excel as a professional and meet all your objectives, including winning a Championship, is the Atlanta Thrashers. I think we should target them on July 1st.’

Hey! That’s a great idea for some reality show episode. The audience has to guess how many seconds would elapse before the Tier I player fired his agent, and selected another.

Jan

February 17th, 2009
4:36 pm

Jeff—-I know it was a throwaway line, but for it to be funny (which it was), it has to have an element of truth to it. You are just so typical in that you have to be drug kicking and screaming toward anything that doesn’t fit your liberal ideals, even though you know it’s the truth. Why don’t you get Al Franken to write your comedic material for you? He’s not going to be too busy the next 6 years.

Jeff Schultz

February 17th, 2009
4:47 pm

Brendan: I heard Don was in spin control — not shocking. I haven’t read your transcript yet but I will. I think you know, the only way a top free agent is coming to Atlanta is if the team overpays. WAY overpays. … Jan: Inhale. Exhale. Again. Inhale. Exhale. Feel better? … JS

chiefs fan

February 17th, 2009
4:50 pm

Falcons,

We’ll trade you Larry Johnson for Michael Vick and throw in a cheeseburger.

Kansas City Chiefs

Brendan

February 17th, 2009
5:23 pm

The things is, Jeff, that ‘just throwing the league maximum’ at a player … isn’t enough to sign a player. The point is, they want to win, not just get paid. For any well-established, true Tier I player, they’re already SET FOR LIFE, financially.

Stay with me. Say a guy is drafted in the lottery draft. He signs his capped rookie year deal, with incentives, makes around $3 million, if he hits them all. That’s $9 million. Then he gets his RFA contract. In the past, this might be a 3-5 year deal, in the viscinity of $5-6 million per season. Today, the RFA deal is more like 6-8 years, and $7 million. For argument’s sake, let’s say the yesteryear RFA deal was 5-years at $5 million. That’s $25 million + $9 million = $34 million.

Stop. Isn’t this, roughly, what winning the “Mega Million Lottery” pays out? How is it … that any UFA contract is really about the $$$ in lieu of the player ‘just picking WHERE he WANTS to play next?’ In the case of Marian Hossa, ‘forcing his way’ into Detroit.

Allrighteeeeee then. That’s what it’s about. Atlanta ‘throwing money’ and WAAYYYY OVERPAYYYYING … isn’t going to bring in ANY player, unless that player honestly WANTED to play in Atlanta, for the rest of his career, or the next 4-5 years, anyway. So, it’s not going to work. Or, it results in Ron Hainsey. God love ‘im.

Wait, maybe … just maybe … if the player’s “ego” is so outta control … that what gets him off every night is knowing that he’s the HIGHEST PAID PLAYER in the NHL … then he might sign with Atlanta. But, is that really the kind of player that a team should really want to attract? I think that’s a ‘fair question.’ Jaromir Jagr was a “coach killer.” He could ‘kill coaches’ because he was so drastically overpaid that his salary basically dictated what the franchise would do. Jagrs didn’t grow on trees, either. So, it was ‘his way or the highway.’

But I digress. Until the Thrashers have a reason to believe that their franchise serves a purpose, other than being schedule fodder for the other 29 teams, I’m afraid it’s in for more of the same, until this lawsuit is finally, finally settled. I feel bad for John Anderson. The guy just wanted his chance. Now, I hear ya. He didn’t come into this thing ‘blind.’ He knew what he was signing up for. He did it anyway.

Truthfully, I don’t think the ownership will fire Waddell. I think he’s here … until the team is sold to new ownership. Ask William Hung if he’s a great singer, and he’ll tell you how FANTASTIC he is. Ask the AS, LLC if the GM position needs to be addressed or corrected, and they’ll be appalled at the suggestion that anything is wrong. The emperor is not wearing any clothes. But it seems not to matter. It’s utterly bizarre.

Dawgdom

February 17th, 2009
5:39 pm

ALL you yanks,PLEASE go back north,like canada,and take hockey with you. Hockey belongs in the south like Lohan in the Vatican!

Jan

February 17th, 2009
5:49 pm

Jeff—–”Back to your political corner”? If you don’t like political comments in here, then don’t put politics into your column. You can’t open the door and then tell everyone “back into your corner.” Truth is, like all liberals, you just want to have your say and not have to listen to any response to it.

Ted Striker

February 17th, 2009
6:43 pm

I think someone needs to repeat the inhale-exhale relaxation technique.

(Note to self: So that’s what happens to frustrated chicks when nobody remembers them on Valentines Day).

Ted Striker

February 17th, 2009
6:44 pm

p.s. Come on over baby and I will give your nether(zones) a real liberal workout

Jeff Schultz

February 17th, 2009
6:46 pm

This is where I just stand back and watch. Not watch in that way, but, ah, forget it.

Jan

February 17th, 2009
6:58 pm

Ted—Perhaps I made a mistake and used my real name instead of taking one from a lame 80’s movie. How unimaginative can you get? Just be careful where you spill your internet sex fantasies, although I suspect the internet is the only place you can get sex. I am of Swedish descent and my name is pronounced with a “Y” sound, and not a “J”. Have you figured it out yet, bobblehead? I am a man.

jlo

February 17th, 2009
7:08 pm

omg i luv lindsay lohan

Ted Striker

February 17th, 2009
7:38 pm

It’s one thing to mock my sex fantasies –it’s quite another to say ‘Airplane’ was lame.

I therefore rebuke thee, Jan (YAHN) of Denmark, by the power of the kicking leg of Morten Anderson, in the name of Beowulf, and by the spirits of Prince Hamlet and The Little Mermaid.

Jeff Schultz

February 17th, 2009
8:21 pm

Ted, Jan . . . Does this mean I won’t be dancing at your wedding? (Sigh.)

Ted Striker

February 17th, 2009
8:41 pm

If not this next wedding, I’ll pencil you in for the following (5th).

Notre Don't

February 17th, 2009
9:09 pm

Bro, I have to say . . . this looks real good. Your pic is a vast improvement ove the old one. Your old pic looked like some old guy just gave you a Worhter’s Original Hard Candy for mowing his lawn. Good luck.

JSS

February 17th, 2009
9:48 pm

You still suck, and can’t you chumps get one person capable of coding SHTML? This is as sterile as your gonads Benny the Beaver!!!

D. Orlando Ledbetter

February 17th, 2009
11:35 pm

Cool. I’m working on getting my wordpress blog up tonight.
Got to be live from the combine in the morning.
I’m thinking that Pam Grier should be a co-host.

wxwax

February 18th, 2009
12:50 am

Posting without an editor, eh? Hear’s why it helps to have a second pare of eyeballs on yur copy. :-)

“Teams don’t trade for guys who have been sitting in jail without knowing his state of mind of the condition of his legs;”

Serge

February 18th, 2009
1:04 am

Scarlett Johansson “actress”actually is a clone from original person,who has nothing with acting career.Clone was created illegally using stolen biomaterial.Original Scarlett Galabekian last name is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady.Original family didn’t authorize any activity with stolen biomaterials,no matter what form it was created in,it’s all need to be back to original family control in Cedars-Sinai MedicalCenter in LA.Controlling clones is US military operation.Original Scarlett never was engaged,by the way

Serge

February 18th, 2009
1:06 am

Scarlett Johansson “actress”actually is a clone from original person,who has nothing with acting career.Clone was created illegally using stolen biomaterial.Original Scarlett Galabekian last name is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady

Tom Ferda

February 18th, 2009
10:12 am

Jeff: First Jay Mariotti goes Internet now you. Welcome to the world of the Internet–just remember to keep your thick skin on. My wife (a fashion expert) says you looked like a dweeb in your other headshot and you look real hip in the new one–good start.

Liked the Hampton stuff. See you in the Thrashers press box in the near future.

Jeff Schultz

February 18th, 2009
10:55 am

Tom … Your wife has good taste. And if you never mention Jay Mariotti and I in the same sentence again, I’ll forgive you.

Mac

February 18th, 2009
1:43 pm

Who knew Jan Stenerud was a Tuesday Countdown fan? Maybe he just likes lots of exposed Lohan flesh. Works for me.

Jeff Schultz

February 18th, 2009
3:57 pm

See, that’s the thing about Lindsay. She’s the great uniter. She brings people together. I say we send her to the middle east to negotiate some settlement between the Sunnis and the Shiites.

Drago

February 18th, 2009
4:11 pm

I though you were better looking than that.

Jeff Schultz

February 18th, 2009
4:31 pm

Oh, Drago. That hurts. … By the way, loved you in Rocky.

JSS

February 18th, 2009
5:34 pm

Benny the Beaver… Hey clown, I see you and your ilk are crawling into the closet with fantasies of the barely post-pubescent… Way to go, you’re one step above a pedophile!!!

JSS

February 18th, 2009
5:39 pm

Hey look it is (AKA Benny the Beaver) at his real job… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMIEUnKIRGc

You can’t do that right… Almost as good as the night Mike Woodson took what was left of your manhood!!!

Sayonara Creepy Old Man…

Drago

February 18th, 2009
6:39 pm

Thanks, Jeff. Loved you in Cabin Boy too

74Dawg

February 18th, 2009
9:26 pm

Nice pic. Where are the other two Pep Boys ? I like the new format Jeff, but the damn thing takes forever to load. Or could it just be me?
Naah…

athensdawg

February 18th, 2009
9:54 pm

pictures rocked…esp the mike hampton ‘operation.’ somewhere, mike hampton and bob horner are related….HAVE TO BE. maybe he should go to japan as well. what a friggin waste of money he was.

i used to get p.o.-ed at your comments, but then after i started reading your column, i get it. after all….it’s not like you are writing about smashing atoms for nuclear physics weekly.

people need to chill out – i used to be a republican until they lost the election and became a bunch of whiny, crybaby b****es. now, i just don’t care – like it matters.

political parties are like the joke about the funeral home director who changes the suit on the dead guy…no problem, he just cut the head off and got a different body.

anyway, keep it up. can’t wait to see how you get what is left of the bandwagon ‘bulldog nation’ mad at you this football season…

skeeter

February 18th, 2009
10:31 pm

Jeff,
You may have found your calling. The only bummer is now that you have a full beard and are somewhat amusing, calling you Goatse just doesn’t seem right anymore

Jan

February 19th, 2009
9:56 am

Ok, I’ll admit that “Airplane” had its moments (”they’re all cheats and liars” is the funniest line), but it tried too hard and bogged down with some ridiculous schtick. For comedy, give me a good Coen brothers movie and its understated humor. And although I’m not Jan Stenerud, I’ll speak for him here: “I coulda been a contender, instead of a bum, which is what I am. At one time I was mentioned in the same breath as the all-time foul-ups and gaffes. Buckner, Van de Velde, Stenerud. That was for me missing that chip shot 29 yarder that would have won the game in the 1971 playoff against the Dolphins—-the 2 overtime longest game ever played in the NFL. But then Scott Norwood came along and loused up a Super Bowl for the Bills and everyone forgot about me. It just aint right.”