Your morning chuckle, courtesy of Obama and Kimmel

Politico has posted its lists of the 15 best jokes told by Barack Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and the 18 best jokes told by host Jimmy Kimmel.

Personally, I think Obama had the better writers, but you can judge for yourself. Here’s my choice for the best five by each of them, in no particular order:

First, Obama:

– “Now, some have said I blame too many problems on my predecessor, but let’s not forget that’s a practice that was initiated by George W. Bush.”

– “Jimmy got his start years ago on ‘The Man Show.’ In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.”

– “Recently, [Romney's] campaign criticized me for slow-jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on ‘The Merv Griffin Show.’”

– “Look at this party. We’ve got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first-class entertainment. I was just relieved to learn this was not a GSA conference.”

And one not on the Politico list:

– “What’s the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom? The pitbull is delicious.”

And from Kimmel:

– “If you told me when I was a kid I would be standing on a dais with President Barack Obama, I would have said, ‘The president’s name is Barack Obama?’”

– To Obama: “Remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious.”

– To New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie: “I think you’re misunderstanding New Jersey’s slogan. It’s not the Olive Garden state.”

– “It’s great to see the Gingriches here, because that means the check cleared.”

– “Democrats would like you to stick to your guns. And if you don’t have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you.”


– Jay Bookman

335 comments Add your comment

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
8:27 am

And one not on the Politico list:

how did that one not make the list? It had the longest, “OMG he went there!” reaction of all the quips.

Granny Godzilla - Union Thugette

April 30th, 2012
8:31 am

I loved the photo of the dog kennel strapped on top of AF1.

Bow to the Wow.

Peadawg

April 30th, 2012
8:36 am

“Jimmy got his start years ago on ‘The Man Show.’ In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.” – That’s a good one!

“What’s the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom? The pitbull is delicious.” – That’s just bad. Not funny at all. Also, idk about that…I wouldn’t mind getting a taste of Sarah Palin.

TaxPayer

April 30th, 2012
8:37 am

The secret to a good hockey mom is the slow roasting.

JKL2

April 30th, 2012
8:39 am

-“Remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious.”

The sad part is you sheeple are still falling for it…

rightwing troll

April 30th, 2012
8:39 am

“peter- Have the Republican’s figured out a way to pay for the George Bush Wars ?

Use the Democrat answer to everything. “You can’t afford it, who cares. F’ing finance it!””

Or…. directly from the mouth of Darth Cheney hisself… “Deficits don’t matter”…

Mick

April 30th, 2012
8:41 am

You’ve got to have some humor in this life, pretty nice tradition, I’d love to go to one of those events.

Jay – ever been to one?

0311/8541/5811/1811/1801

April 30th, 2012
8:42 am

“Personally, I think Obama had the better writers, but you can judge for yourself.”

He had the better writer for “Dreams From My Father” too …………………..

rightwing troll

April 30th, 2012
8:42 am

“The sad part is you sheeple are still falling for it…”

What are we falling for? It is better today than it was 4 years ago, by most any metric you choose, except for the fat, old, white, male, KKK satisfaction index…

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
8:44 am

Anyway, my personal favorite canine oriented material was:

“It’s like my stepfather taught me–it’s a boy-eat-dog world out there.”

Have A Smile!

April 30th, 2012
8:46 am

Wow, not funny!

Kimmel sucks, Obama sucks.

Nothing to see here folks…move along.

rightwing troll

April 30th, 2012
8:47 am

I know it’ll ruin your day, but gas prices are stable for now. I don’t know why wingnuts openly wish for higher gas prices just to help defeat Obama, firstly neither Mittens nor tha Newtser can make the lower, no matter how hard they try, unless you wish for gubbimint intervention in a free market, and once they rise, they never quite seem to fall back to where they were… do they?

Be careful what you wish for winguts… it’s called cutting your nose(s) off to spite your face…

lovelyliz

April 30th, 2012
8:51 am

“Jimmy got his start years ago on ‘The Man Show.’ In Washington, that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.”

MY FAV

Jay

April 30th, 2012
8:53 am

Anybody who uses the word “sheeple” is himself acting “sheeplish;” the term is an invention of right-wing indoctrination.

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
8:53 am

That’s just bad. Not funny at all.

It might help if you knew (as surely everyone in the room was aware) that Obama had been accused of implying that Sarah Palin was a pig, back in Sept. 2008.

Sometimes the whole meta-ness of a joke is what makes it work. See also that first one Jay cited–it’s not funny if you don’t get just how often right wingers complain about Obama “blaming Bush.”

Cosby

April 30th, 2012
8:57 am

Slow news day and who give a rip about Obama or kimmel..both are clowns

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
8:59 am

and who give a rip

we does.

mm

April 30th, 2012
9:00 am

“The sad part is you sheeple are still falling for it…”

You cons are still falling for the same lies the GOP has been feeding you for 30 years. How’s that trickle down working for ya?

ty webb

April 30th, 2012
9:00 am

“Personally, I think Obama had the better writers,…”

did anyone not see that one coming?

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:02 am

The president was very funny and entertaining. He has a future as a comic after he loses in November.

ooops

April 30th, 2012
9:02 am

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:03 am

“Remember when the chickenhawks and neocons, but not the country, rallied around the Worst Ever for year after year after year?

That was not hilarious.

It was devastating and tragic.

Look around this great nation at exactly what those consummate losers did.

And you blind GOPers want the fake conservatives right smack back in the White House to unleash even more death and destruction.

No thanks…

carlosgvv

April 30th, 2012
9:07 am

Here’s the joke they should have told; Corporations actually care about people more than profit.

We would all laugh till we cried, and cried, and cried.

Finn McCool (Class Warfare === Stopping Rich People from TAKING MORE of OUR MONEY)

April 30th, 2012
9:09 am

Cons are like adults who don’t know their Left from their Right – they’ve never been able to understand that that trickle down is actually a gusher up.

Steve - USA (I support "None Of The Above")

April 30th, 2012
9:09 am

“He had the better writer for “Dreams From My Father” too”

LOL That was the best one yet.

ooops

April 30th, 2012
9:11 am

Finn McCool (Class Warfare === Stopping Rich People from TAKING MORE of OUR MONEY)

April 30th, 2012
9:11 am

You just can’t make this crap up:

One of Mitt Romney’s top advisers claimed over the weekend that “the only economic success that President Obama has had is because he followed Mitt Romney’s advice.” Eric Fehrnstrom was referring to the revival of the American auto industry,…

ooops

April 30th, 2012
9:13 am

That Black Guy who is a "con" and a Vet. STOP PISSING ON ME!!!!!

April 30th, 2012
9:13 am

I think most of the jokes were funny. Some were lame, but most made me chuckle.
Some over the weekend were saying that the jokes say a lot about where we are as a society. IDK about that, but playing Jay Z’s song “Ni**a’s in Paris” at a NBA game sure does.

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:14 am

mm-”You cons are still falling for the same lies the GOP has been feeding you for 30 years. How’s that trickle down working for ya?”

Trickle down has worked fine, as it has for two hundred and fifty years. It has built the rrichest country in the history of the world where even the poor in this country are wealthier than the rich in other countries. Use Obama as an example. Had he grown up in Kenya instead of being a millionaire he would be living in a grass shack. He is rich. Made his wealth under trickle down capitalism. He has never made a penny resulting from the economic system he is trying to impose on the rest of us. Want to bet whether he would give up any of his wealth to live under the socialism communism he wants us to live under? When he talks about “fairness” he isn’t talking about his money. He is talking about yours. He has made his under this evil system.

Donovan

April 30th, 2012
9:19 am

There is no question about who had the better writers. My God! The DNC has the best spin doctors in the world.

They convinced this country that an empty suit with no background from corrupt Chicago was capable of leading this nation on Hope & Change alone.

mm

April 30th, 2012
9:20 am

” Made his wealth under trickle down capitalism. He has never made a penny resulting from the economic system he is trying to impose on the rest of us.”

You sir, are a fool.

barking frog

April 30th, 2012
9:22 am

The best joke at the dinner
was the audience.

JKL2

April 30th, 2012
9:23 am

-“Personally, I think Obama had the better writers,…”

Teleprompter says,”What?”

Jm

April 30th, 2012
9:24 am

Oh the ears joke was pretty funny

JKL2

April 30th, 2012
9:25 am

Mighty Righty- He is rich. Made his wealth under trickle down capitalism.

obama made his wealth by forcing the DNC to buy a gillion copies of his crappy book.

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:25 am

Black guy, are you saying you are not happy with the trickle down?

LOL…

Erwin's cat

April 30th, 2012
9:25 am

what passes for humor theses days

carlosgvv

April 30th, 2012
9:26 am

For whatever the reason, most American adults seem to trust their cats and dogs far more than they do other people. For this reason, Obama should really hammer Romney for tying his dog to the car.

Patrick

April 30th, 2012
9:26 am

I liked when Kimmel said that “Keith Olberman has more pink slips than Marcus Bachmann” then said “If you don’t know who Marcus Bachmann is, he plays Cam on Modern Family and he is here tonight”. The camera then cut to Eric Stonestreet who stood up and waved to the audience.

Hilarious!

Simple Truths

April 30th, 2012
9:26 am

I wish they had brought in Ackmed the Dead Terrorist instead of Jimmy Kimmel.

Granny Godzilla - Union Thugette

April 30th, 2012
9:26 am

mm

motion seconded

Jm

April 30th, 2012
9:27 am

What does DC call Obama’s economic plan?

Dog meat. Only the President is buying it.

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:27 am

carlosgvv-liberals continue to misunderstand the purpose of a business. The purpose of a business is to make a profit. A profitable business then priovides jobs. Liberals think the purpose of a business is to provide employment. That silly thought is why governement programs cannot end a recession and never provide permanent jobs. Government programs are always designed to create jobs which is a noble purpose. The problem, is for a businessto create jobs first requires a profitable business. A profitable business requires customers. That is why business, which liberals confuse with the term corporations, first job is to create customers. No business starts the day saying our mission is to hire more people.

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:28 am

forcing?

What a laugh.

He must be one bad dude.

You better vote for him in November!

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:29 am

A profitable business then priovides jobs.

They used to.

No more.

Record profits, record crimes and record unemployment.

You figure it out…

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
9:29 am

“the only economic success that President Obama has had is because he followed Mitt Romney’s advice.” Eric Fehrnstrom was referring to the revival of the American auto industry,…

link to Finn’s bit here.

http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/04/fehrnstrom-obama-followed-mitt-romneys-advice-on-auto-bailout.php

Kamchak ~ Thug from the Steppes

April 30th, 2012
9:29 am

First, “sheeple” and now “teleprompter.”

Three more on that line, and I get a tool BINGO

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:31 am

carlosgvv-you apparently are not aware Obama’s reference to pit bulls tasting delicious was a self deprecating line designed to deflect his admission that he has eaten dog meat. I believe he ate dog meat when he lived in Indonesia. When things are that bad that is true “trckle down” economics.

Normal Free, Plain and Simple

April 30th, 2012
9:32 am

Let’s see, Mighty Righty, jm, JKL2, and “Smiley” didn’t like the jokes….One has to wonder why. :shock: President Obama is a good President now and will be again for another four years.
All that has to happen for this country to get better is for the GOP to learn how to play nice with others, think more of the average American and less of the corporate/rich. Then…problems solved.

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:32 am

The problem, is for a businessto create jobs first requires a profitable business.

Is a trillion dollars profit in 2010 NOT enough of a profit, Righty?

And that is not some made up number, like you cons come up with.

And if Republican bloggers ever did any research at all, you would quickly confirm it’s veracity.

Jm

April 30th, 2012
9:33 am

Bo knows. He’s what’s for dinner.

Normal Free, Plain and Simple

April 30th, 2012
9:34 am

Oh dear, I forgot Donovan…

ty webb

April 30th, 2012
9:34 am

“Three more on that line, and I get a tool BINGO”

sucks for you…after “Chickenhawks”, “neocons”, “Romney tying dog to top of car”, and “KKK” all I need is “Fox News” for Bingo.

Steve Atl

April 30th, 2012
9:35 am

$4.00 gas, over 8% unemployment, $5 trillion in debt, losing our AAA credit rating…any good ones about those topics, Barack or Jay?

I really think Mitt Romney can fix these issues that affect every paycheck I get. Obama…not so much.

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:37 am

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:29 am
According to Obama, 92% of the people who want jobs are working. Now if you eliminate government workers and self employed (read evil business) just exactly how many are not employed by business. I believe the answer to that would be zero.

Granny Godzilla - Union Thugette

April 30th, 2012
9:37 am

I suspect that next year President will be even funnier…..

so will the reaction from the “loyal?” opposition.

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
9:41 am

I believe he ate dog meat when he lived in Indonesia. When things are that bad that is true “trckle down” economics.

[…]

Bo knows. He’s what’s for dinner.

It’s time to play “let’s imagine it’s a Republican.”

As in, “let’s imagine it’s a Republican Presidential candidate who’d mentioned in his mid-90s memoirs that as a kid growing up, his stepdad had fed him dog meat.

I’m thinking this would have been touted as just another example of the candidate’s toughness, and of his meager upbringing, contrasted of course with a lifetime of bootstrap pullin’-up and achievement.

“Eatin’ Dog” would be the new “Clearin’ Brush.”

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:43 am

Recon 0311 2533

April 30th, 2012
9:44 am

Well maybe after Obama becomes unemployed in January of next year there might be a future for him as a stand up comedian.

Paul

April 30th, 2012
9:48 am

Nice way to start a Monday.

Seems like a certain political segment has noooo sense of humor. Given the previous thread’s title, that’s no surprise.

“. On Harvard degrees and Mitt Romney: “I have one, he has two. What a snob.”

President even tells jokes on himself. And laughs at them. That’s a sign of a healthy psyche.

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:48 am

Righty, wow. You gave up on your profit canard that quickly?

One little incontrovertible fact and voila! Off you go to some other irrelevant goofiness?

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:49 am

A liberal dilemma for libeberals. “Whether it is best to ride on top of a car with the breeze blowing in your face or be eaten by Obama.”

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
9:50 am

Jamvet-you are not making any sense.

JKL2

April 30th, 2012
9:51 am

normal- One has to wonder why. President Obama is a good President now and will be again for another four years.

Now that’s a funny joke!

barking frog

April 30th, 2012
9:54 am

four more ears ?

JamVet

April 30th, 2012
9:56 am

Righty, sorry, my Republispeak is not very good.

You wrote, “The purpose of a business is to make a profit. A profitable business then priovides jobs”

And when confronted with the fact that they are not doing so in spite of record profits, you ran away like a scalded dog.

As for your link, I don’t mind reading it. But to what end, when you haven’t…

Kamchak ~ Thug from the Steppes

April 30th, 2012
9:56 am

A special fro[sic] Jam: Read it a learn something.

Awwww.

Poor wittle Jimmy “The Crybaby” Clifton can’t play by the rules.

Breaks my heart, it do.

If he can’t do the job while playing by the rules, he should get out of the way and let someone competent do the job.

kayaker 71

April 30th, 2012
9:56 am

The biggest joke in the whole place was Bozo himself. That post a few days ago was one of the best this year….. “If I had a dog, I think it would look like the one Obama ate”. Cracks me up.

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
9:57 am

“Whether it is best to ride on top of a car with the breeze blowing in your face or be eaten by Obama.”

“Who among us does not enjoy being eaten by Obama?”

–Maureen Dowd

Brosephus™

April 30th, 2012
9:57 am

I’m still laughing at Obama’s comparisons from 4 years ago versus now. The 4 years from now photo had me in tears….

PJ

April 30th, 2012
9:57 am

Mighty Righty @9:14 am- Wrong – He did not grow up under the current system we live in now. He is a product of the 60’s and the 70’s when tax rates were more fair, Social Security wasn’t being raided by Congress for purposes other than for what it was intended for, when even Republican Presidents (Nixon and Ford) were compassionate and it was not just a catch phrase, when both parties compromised to get legislation passed. In other words a time when government was important and the people and not just corporations had the voice and ears of their elected officials. Before we were told the government was the problem not the solution. The only thing I see about less government is less rec centers, public pools, good schools, more litter, less public works, more despair, more jails, less higher education grants, less public health clinics, etc… We complain about government spending and we see less of it but more being spent. At least back then we saw were our money went and got something out of it (especially for children). Now we see and get nothing. But I guess we should wait for it to trickle down. And do you know the dictionary definition of trickle – To flow or fall in drops or in a thin stream. To move or proceed slowly or bit by bit – That about sums it up.

The Thin Guy

April 30th, 2012
9:58 am

Actually Jimmy Kimmel got his start on a show called “Win Ben Stein’s Money” but you wouldn’t expect the programmers for Jug Ears’ teleprompter to know that. Turn about is fair play. In November we’re feeding ØDumbø to the dogs.

Jefferson

April 30th, 2012
10:00 am

The rich guy has a image problem.

Jimmy62

April 30th, 2012
10:03 am

Gotta play on Obama’s [lack of] cool factor, since he doesn’t have a record worth running on. If he did, then he wouldn’t spend so much time talking about unimportant stuff.

If you have to get all your sycophants to tell everyone how cool you are, you probably aren’t that cool.

Finn McCool (Class Warfare === Stopping Rich People from TAKING MORE of OUR MONEY)

April 30th, 2012
10:05 am

Steve, where are you paying $4 gas? Around Atlanta? Are you unable to read the gas signage? $3.52 at Kroger in Suwanee this morning.

Maybe you should shop around a bit, ya think?

Jm

April 30th, 2012
10:05 am

Normal is anti obama

barking frog

April 30th, 2012
10:06 am

Out of respect for the
President and First Lady,
Fox News invited Kim
Kardashian and Lindsay
Lohan.

ragnar danneskjold

April 30th, 2012
10:06 am

I see – “humor,” ar ar.

Jm

April 30th, 2012
10:07 am

Normal stop attacking Obama

He’s your president silly

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
10:07 am

NFP&S-You and others on the left misunderstand. We on the right are not into Rich Poor Class warfare. We believe in the indivicual. We believe that free enterprise capitalism has thus far been the most successful economic system known to man. Government that interferes less is best. The current adminisatration belives socialism is best. We will fight it every step of the way. BTW Your statement that Obama is a good pesident is not shared by a majority of the American people at this time. If that doesn’t change in Novemeber, he is gone

Jm

April 30th, 2012
10:08 am

Frog

Yeah, WTF kardashian?

Illegal Alien

April 30th, 2012
10:08 am

I’m concerned about what’ll happen to most of our posters if Obama wins reelection. Will they move along with Boortz, Hannity, Limbaugh, etc to escape the “end of the Republic”?

Afghanistan doesn’t have a functioning government, plenty of guns, and is just eager for those hard core types posting here to live free.

mm

April 30th, 2012
10:10 am

“The purpose of a business is to make a profit. A profitable business then priovides jobs”

So with record profits, where are the jobs? You cons can’t recognize a fact even when it’s smacking you upside the head.

Granny Godzilla - Union Thugette

April 30th, 2012
10:10 am

Jimmy62

You need to correct your statement,

“he doesn’t have a record worth running on”.

It is either a big fat stupid lie or you don’t have a clear understanding of what certain words mean.

It would be correct if you stated,

“he does not have a record to run on that I approve of”

It ain’t that hard to tell the truth.

Try it occasionally and you’ll get the hang of it.

He dpesn’t have to tell us how cool he is…..the Mitt America pageant
is telling you that.

We all saw the ads Mr. Silly Pants.

Normal Free, Plain and Simple

April 30th, 2012
10:12 am

President Obama is a smart man. Republicans fear smart men. President Obama is also a Black man, Republicans really fear a smart Baack man. There will be lots of fear in the next four years… :)

Finn McCool (Class Warfare === Stopping Rich People from TAKING MORE of OUR MONEY)

April 30th, 2012
10:12 am

We believe in the indivicual.

Wow, mighty Righty. You just totally posted AGAINST what you wrote about in your first post about Obama. Obama didn’t get what he has alone – he needed help from America and our system but conservatives (or people you like) are able to get ahead without help from anyone? They don’t need the american system? Rugged individualists?

Jm

April 30th, 2012
10:12 am

What will happen if Obama loses?

Half the libs here will be screaming racism.

Normal Free, Plain and Simple

April 30th, 2012
10:12 am

Baack=black, but I still wish I could type… :D

Gator Joe

April 30th, 2012
10:13 am

Imagine if Senator McCain had won in 2008, the economy would probably be as it is now, or more likely worse. Today’s angry, white, bigots would be saying to McCain’s critics: “He’s doing a good job considering the economy and the mess he inherited.”

barking frog

April 30th, 2012
10:13 am

Jm
did lohan violate probation?
was she sucking up for a
pardon? will kim use clips
on het new reality show?

Finn McCool (Class Warfare === Stopping Rich People from TAKING MORE of OUR MONEY)

April 30th, 2012
10:15 am

Steve, tell us how the US not having a AAA rating directly affects your paycheck.
Thanks

Mitt can fix gas prices, get the US AAA rating back…..what a guy!

ty webb

April 30th, 2012
10:16 am

“Half the libs here will be screaming racism.”

only half?

stands for decibels

April 30th, 2012
10:17 am

Jimmy Kimmel got his start on a show called “Win Ben Stein’s Money” but you wouldn’t expect the programmers for Jug Ears’ teleprompter to know that.

Ok, I will bite.

Thin Guy, write us a killer one-liner for Obama that references Kimmel’s first TV gig with Ben Stein.

Gotta be funny AND timely and guaranteed to get a reaction from those actually in attendance.

You’ll get bonus points if you can somehow manage to avoid going to the “Bueller?” well.

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
10:18 am

Finn-Tell us who helped Obama?

Oscar

April 30th, 2012
10:19 am

Finn McCool (Class Warfare === Stopping Rich People from TAKING MORE of OUR MONEY)

April 30th, 2012
10:15 am
_________

Cost of borrowing money will go up. employer will have to pay more interest. your raise will be less then it would have been.

Brosephus™

April 30th, 2012
10:19 am

Mitt can fix gas prices, get the US AAA rating back…..what a guy!

According to popular lore, Mitt can cure the common cold and can beat Chuck Norris in a stare down.

Gator Joe

April 30th, 2012
10:19 am

“What will happen if Obama loses?

Half the libs here will be screaming racism”

And we Liberals would be correct. What’s pathetic is that you bigots and racists don’t have the courage to admit your bigotry and racism.

Jm

April 30th, 2012
10:20 am

Normal stop being anti Obama

Oscar

April 30th, 2012
10:20 am

Mighty Righty

April 30th, 2012
10:18 am
_____

Names are withheld to protect the guilty. Buck stops with the President.