Two brave emissaries from a strange and terrible place
Dudley Clendinen is a former editor at the AJC, among other places, although I do not know him personally. His time here in Atlanta did not coincide with mine.
Last year, Clendinen was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, better known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. In an essay in last weekend’s New York Times, he writes about how heartened he has been by the way his friends and relatives have rallied around him.
” … one, from Texas, put a hand on my thinning shoulder and appeared to study the ground where we were standing. He had flown in to see me.
“We need to go buy you a pistol, don’t we?” he asked quietly. He meant to shoot myself with.
“Yes, Sweet Thing,” I said, with a smile. “We do.”
I loved him for that.
As Clendinen notes, ALS — or “Lou,” as he calls it — is “not a kind disease.”
“The nerves and muscles pulse and twitch, and progressively, they die. From the outside, it looks like the ripple of piano keys in the muscles under my skin. From the inside, it feels like anxious butterflies, trying to get out. It starts in the hands and feet and works its way up and in, or it begins in the muscles of the mouth and throat and chest and abdomen, and works its way down and out. The second way is called bulbar, and that’s the way it is with me. We don’t live as long, because it affects our ability to breathe early on, and it just gets worse. “
Having thought about it long and hard, and having witnessed the long, drawn-out death of his mother, Clendinen has made a decision.
“If I choose to have the tracheotomy that I will need in the next several months to avoid choking and perhaps dying of aspiration pneumonia, the respirator and the staff and support system necessary to maintain me will easily cost half a million dollars a year. Whose half a million, I don’t know.
I’d rather die.”
No, Clendinen writes, he won’t do it by firearm. But he will do it, and has apparently made arrangements so that he’s ready when he decides the time has come.
Reading Clendinen’s essay, I couldn’t help but notice the contrast with the approach taken by another journalist, a man I did know. Brian Dickinson, the editorial page editor and columnist of the Providence (R.I.) Journal, was a man of charisma and talent. Like Clendinen, he was diagnosed with ALS.
Brian, however, chose to play it out all the way to the end. He lived for a decade after his initial diagnosis, a decade of decline and stubborn refusal. “Except for the fact that I can still manage a smile and still have full control of my eye muscles, I could almost be taken for some outlandish display in Madame Tussaud’s wax museum,” he wrote in 1998, six years into his sentence. In those last years, technology allowed Dickinson to communicate and even write regular columns through the blinking of his eyes.
“Combat against ALS is its own reward,” he wrote. “The disease now defines the terms of my existence. If I were to cave in too easily, I would be violating the terms of an implicit contract that I had with someone.”
I would not judge either man. The course each chose requires its own sort of bravery, and the decision they faced is perhaps the most personal, intimate decision that human intelligence allows or condemns us to make.
Like emissaries from a land we hope we never visit, Dickinson and Clendinen have each tried to tell us how it feels and what it means to face such a situation, but perhaps the most important lesson they teach is that human beings will respond to the same predicament very differently, and should be allowed the freedom to do so.
– Jay Bookman
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341 comments Add your comment
Left wing management
July 21st, 2011
2:40 pm
Afternoon folks. We still waitin for Godot here?
josef
July 21st, 2011
2:41 pm
Stooge
Number one, I HAVE died! Brought back thanks to the medical profession and glad to be here! Second, you have no idea whose hands I have held as they passed on…be careful with that. And I did not WISH anything on anyone in that post…I simply said she might want to consider it…
josef
July 21st, 2011
2:42 pm
Left wing…
Godot? Ooooh…you didn’t…!! I was thinking more “No Exit!”
Capt. Orange - "Will Tan For Food (Or Bribes)"
July 21st, 2011
2:43 pm
She’s always good for some fun. At least she didn’t threaten me with the brother’s shooting me with tec-9s like she did last time. Classy gal she is.
What I said was “Doomed!! Don’t look behind you!! A bunch of “those people” are after you!!! I think a few of them may have the right to VOTE!! Or maybe even NRA memberships!!”
Or something to that effect. You took it as a threat — which just goes to show what a little punk b##ch you are!
Capt. Orange - "Will Tan For Food (Or Bribes)"
July 21st, 2011
2:44 pm
ooops sorry!! Meant to erase that last sentence, don’t want to be banned or warned by Jay. I’m outta here just in case. Later.
Left wing management
July 21st, 2011
2:45 pm
Hate to say it folks, but I’ve changed my position on the debt default in the last week or so. Since we’re dealing with what appears to be an absolute political deadlock, I’m thinking that a default may now be the only alternative at this point.
The only way around it in my view is if the president is willing to go the nuclear option and invoke the 14th amendment — but unfortunately we don’t have that president.
I would be extremely surprised if this president — a timid and gentle man, a true product of the technocratic manager class who apparently has zero ability to think outside of it — would be willing to provoke a fight on that level. Bill Clinton would have done it, no question about that — but not THIS president.
carlosgvv
July 21st, 2011
2:46 pm
Truth
I am talking about the particular kind of mess we have now, the debt ceiling one. I would have thought that was obvious. However, it is obviously you who are not the smart one.
roach coach 2012
July 21st, 2011
2:47 pm
Get your free obama burgers. Get ‘em while they’re hot!
Thulsa Doom
July 21st, 2011
2:48 pm
Captain Orignorance,
Otay. I enjoyed some of the 2:36 post. A couple of chuckles on the bit about toilet-training-phobia and about the not bathing for a month before I eat. Come to think of it you just gave me a visual that makes me want to cry uncle. The rest of the insults were kind of juvenile, not really very witty for the most part. Still kinda enjoyed them though.
One thing that’s interesting though is that I notice that whenever you completely blow a gasket and go all out and into the stratosphere you get heavy into the can’t get it up, need viagra, can’t perform bit. What’s that all about? You must have had some boyfriends or husbands with that issue and thus you think that issue is much more common than you think. I’m pretty sure that 30 years from now when I’m in my 70s I still won’t be needing viagra.
Nevertheless good one on the not bathing for a month. uhhgh. Its still killing me to think about it.
josef
July 21st, 2011
2:49 pm
Left wing
Yeah! And Hillary would be in there with a nutcracker…
Thulsa Doom
July 21st, 2011
2:54 pm
Debbiedoneright,
Actually I never felt threatened with the Tec-9 statement. It was actually kinda funny but I felt bad for you. What they say about some people being so quick tempered seems to be true. No wonder so many folks get shot and killed over the most minor disputes. Its a shame.
Little punk bi##tch I am? Spoken in true ebonics gutter language. Can’t you come up with something more original or witty?
Capt. Orange - "Will Tan For Food (Or Bribes)"
July 21st, 2011
2:55 pm
One thing that’s interesting though is that I notice that whenever you completely blow a gasket and go all out and into the stratosphere you get heavy into the can’t get it up, need viagra, can’t perform bit. What’s that all about? I’m pretty sure that 30 years from now when I’m in my 70s I still won’t be needing viagra.
Noticed you picked that one point out of all the others, wonder why…………????
Nevertheless good one on the not bathing for a month. uhhgh. Its still killing me to think about it
Then my work here is done.
Later Doomed Janus, I hope your two faces get well and truly sunburned to go along with that red neck of yours.
Capt. Orange - "Will Tan For Food (Or Bribes)"
July 21st, 2011
2:56 pm
Little punk bi##tch I am? Spoken in true ebonics gutter language. Can’t you come up with something more original or witty?
Why waste it on you?
josef
July 21st, 2011
2:56 pm
Is that really you, DDR?
Thulsa Doom
July 21st, 2011
2:57 pm
Captain Orignorance,
Unfortunately you were right about some of those people being able to vote. I here ya’ll round up every election day, ply them with cigs, 40 ounce malt liquor, and lotto tickets and bus them on down to the voting precinct. We wanna make sure they get their free sh#t of course.
Left wing management
July 21st, 2011
2:58 pm
josef: “Yeah! And Hillary would be in there with a nutcracker…”
Hillary would have thrived in this kind of environment.
On the policy level, she’d have been no different than this president, but at the crucial level of ideological framing she would have likely been extremely effective. Who knows she might have even moved left of what one would expect.
Capt. Orange - "Will Tan For Food (Or Bribes)"
July 21st, 2011
2:58 pm
Oh and today, in honor of Stands great link (from earlier); I am Capt. Orange — in honor of true bi-partisianship spirit, you can be “The Human Toad” — or better yet, Sir Dunce-a-lot!
Doggone/GA
July 21st, 2011
3:00 pm
“Is that really you, DDR?”
Yep
Thulsa Doom
July 21st, 2011
3:00 pm
Captain Orignorance aka DDR,
May you enjoy the rest of this beautiful day relaxing on the street corner with a 40 ouncer, a pipe, and may you finally hit that winning lotto #!
Capt. Orange - "Will Tan For Food (Or Bribes)"
July 21st, 2011
3:01 pm
Is that really you, DDR?
Yep — Stands linked us to a really great Tom Tommorrow cartoon early this a.m. (around 7:15 or so); it moved me so much, I decided to become Cpt. Orange — I thought thte toon was hilarious!
josef
July 21st, 2011
3:03 pm
DDR
If that is you, you might like to know that you have donated 6 cents to the Indemnities/Restitution efforts! (So have some others! They might not approve, but they did!)
roach coach 2012
July 21st, 2011
3:10 pm
Muffins…Get ur free pelsoi muffins. And for a limited time only, Capt. Orange’s one month old vintage.
Get ‘em while they’re hot!
josef
July 21st, 2011
3:11 pm
ZamVet
In case you check in,,,here’s hoping you’re enjoying your…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFMLARtqxCY
Thulsa Doom
July 21st, 2011
3:15 pm
Captain Orignorance,
Otay. Have a good night and when you head back to the projects keep your head down. Wouldn’t want you to get hit by any of those stray bullets. The virile young black men or “urban gentleman” as I call them never made it. Seems they got gunned down by a rival gang. Oh well. At least it saved us taxpayers the cost of incarcerating them. Just a few less thugs robbing, raping, and murdering people.
AmVet
July 21st, 2011
3:26 pm
Thanks for the Peppers, jo jo.
I survived the jet lag, sleep deprivation, Carmageddon and partying like a teenager, but alas, I’m back in Hotlanta. But it was another fine Cali tour, albeit much too short.
I’ve got a number of really good friends out there, including a drop dead gorgeous red head and former dancer for ABC, who is well……never mind. Gentlemen never tell.
For you, my friend…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6G7MkBMVxE
Parks63
July 21st, 2011
3:27 pm
Why can’t a DNR order be issued on a driver’s license? At the DMV, a person can register to vote and donate their organs. A DNR shouild be included.
pat
July 21st, 2011
3:28 pm
Nobody is required to live by artificial means. Refusing that assistence, such as the traciotomy will allow him to die sooner. I to, in a terminal state would refuse treatments that will only prolong the eneviatble.
@@
July 21st, 2011
3:32 pm
OMG!
I’ve got a number of really good friends out there, including a drop dead gorgeous red head and former dancer for ABC, who is well……never mind. Gentlemen never tell.
….they just bullsh*t about all their women.
Couldn’t resist a-a-a-a-AND
schnirt
Fred
July 21st, 2011
3:35 pm
Amvet, Bruno: Great tunes. I saw them for the last time in either ‘87 or ‘88 in Munich. Musta been ‘88 because they originally planned to tour the US and I was thinking great, I’m about to be shipped back Stateside and can see them there. The tour fizzled though, I can’t remember why…….. At the same concert, the original Jefferson Airplane reunited as well and played. Tull closed the day out. I have to search my mind for who else was there. it was completely awesome though.
josef
July 21st, 2011
3:36 pm
ZamVet
Thanks, Bud…and in case you may have missed it, I’m now a Christian! I guess I wasn’t a real Jew after all, eh?
Fred
July 21st, 2011
3:41 pm
LWM: You have lost me with the 14th amendment. i just read it again but don’t see what you are referring to……….. can you explain it so someone as mentally challenged as I am can understand? And please type slowly as I read slowly………..
AmVet
July 21st, 2011
3:50 pm
jonix, I saw that! Good luck with it!
If you need to borrow it, I have a Star of David, with a cross inside of it!
Freddie, saw them in 1975 in a rinky place in Lakeland, Florida. They pretty much tore the place down…
@@, I knew you’d get a kick out of that. I presume you’re not a lesbian, but if you were, you’d write about her too! LOL!
@@
July 21st, 2011
4:06 pm
AmVet:
This is what you’re missing. Women choose to date men who DON’T brag about their conquests. Sooooo…if a man like you, brags about his conquests, chances are no self-respecting woman would date you.
Bimbos? They’re a whole different species. If stupid does it for you, then fine.
1811/0311
July 21st, 2011
4:21 pm
Thulsa Doom@ 2:37
“I thought Mussolini was Il Duce or douche. Not el jefe.”
He was …………….. “O”pressor is “El Jeffe”.
Uncle Jed
July 21st, 2011
4:36 pm
josef
July 21st, 2011
2:49 pm
Left wing
Yeah! And Hillary would be in there with a nutcracker…
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I hear she once worked at Little Rock Bowl & Skate. Got fired for ball busting.
AmVet
July 21st, 2011
5:03 pm
D2nb@ss, like YOU of all people know about self-respecting women?!
ROTFLMAO.
I doubt any man here would ____ you with Andy’s ____!
More ribald laughter!
Ashamed
July 21st, 2011
5:29 pm
Wow…….a compassionate thought provoking column by Jay ( Did I really just say that?), and let the Christian bashing begin! So many times comments in this column bash
stereotyping of of any group….not today. All conservative Christians are incapable of compassion or individual thought. Those of you that feel that way have obviously had bad experiences with so called “Christians” and I hate that you have been left with that impression. Obviously Christians must do a better job worldwide in sharing the love and compassion of Christ……In the mean time we don’t need to turn every type of editorial into a you versus me battle. Sometimes that’s just not relevant.
Question Man
July 21st, 2011
10:20 pm
Very well done commentary.
theodore
July 21st, 2011
10:41 pm
Anyone interested in this should search for “Terry Pratchett” and read his opinion and watch the BBC (I think it was BBC) special on assisted suicide. He was diagnosed with early-onset alzheimers several years ago, and has decided that ‘death before dishonour’ is his choice.
The Thin Guy
July 22nd, 2011
1:40 am
Everyone has the right to decide when it’s time to pull the plug. But try to think of a painless way to go
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-14218733
Old proverb: Do not seek death. It will find you soon enough.
Adam
July 25th, 2011
8:52 am
AmVet: I agree the question needs to be asked. I do not like that fact though. It means our entire focus has turned dark when it comes to any health care at all. The first thing you think about is how much it costs. Whether you are the person who needs the care, or you are just a family member who could be looked on suspiciously for other monetary gains or losses when it comes to something that might be fatal.
The entire problem is our focus on money when it comes to health care. We should refocus, get health care for everyone through taxes like every other reasonable country in the world. Then we wouldn’t be having these stupid money debates when it comes to saving lives.
As a side note we also need to stop crashing the world economy so that people can go “but COUNTRY X has been doing that and they are in crisis!” Yes, they are in crisis, thanks to the people whose taxes you so want to protect from going up while not bothering to protect and secure your own future or the future of most of the globe.