The reality show that is American politics
Somewhere along the line, the once-boring world of American politics morphed into a basic-cable reality show, and in the process the lines separating fact from fiction and reality from fantasy have gotten a little blurred.
It’s just hard to tell anymore where one world ends and the other begins.
You’ve got comedians becoming senators and senators starring in soap operas and governors — well, we’ve got governors in bad need of governors.
For example, I’m told that people named Jon and Kate Gosselin have become the most famous couple in America. I don’t know when that happened or how I missed it — has anybody broken the news to Brad and Angelina? — but apparently it’s true. The Gosselins are so famous that they’re even exporting their hit reality show, “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” to Britain, which might be karmic payback for sending us Beckham and Posh Spice.
Sadly — and I know this only because of the headlines in a grocery store checkout line — Jon and Kate are heading for Divorceville. If I pieced together the story right, it’s because Jon had a secret affair with a woman named Rielle and there are allegations that they even made a sex tape together.
No? I have the wrong John?
Oh, right, that was John Edwards, the guy who was going to be president, the one with the wife with terminal cancer, the one who talked an aide into pretending to be the father of his love child. Sorry for my confusion — these days you need a scorecard to tell the small-j johns — you know, Gov. Eliot Spitzer, Sen. David Vitter — from the capital-J Johns.
There’s John Ensign, the Nevada senator who stole his best buddy’s wife, gave her back and then allegedly got blackmailed by the cuckolded friend who demanded, well, financial satisfaction. (Ensign’s parents apparently coughed up almost $100,000 for the payoff.)
That scandal didn’t seem to hurt Ensign much in the polls, perhaps because voters in his state have been distracted by the shenanigans of their governor, Jim Gibbons.
Gibbons was kicked out of the governor’s mansion by his wife, who accused him of having a bunch of affairs, including one with a former Playboy model. The little missus apparently got perturbed at that — in his divorce papers, Gibbons asked that his wife be barred from the governor’s mansion because “being in close quarters with such a volatile person was like being locked in a phone booth with an enraged ferret.”
Speaking of enraged ferrets, back to Jon and Kate. They’ve asked the media for time out of the spotlight, although they both say they have no plans to end the lucrative show that brought them and their children such fame.
“That’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out,” Kate said. “It would be apathetic to just hunker down and ‘go with the flow’. Nah, only dead fish ‘go with the flow’.”
Ooops, I got confused again. That wasn’t Kate, that was the other celebrity mom with overexposed children, cameras in her house all the time and a book contract. You know, Sarah Palin.
I wish I could remember the name of her show. I was watching it just last week — you know, the episode where she’s forced to quit her job and her husband flies in from his role on “The Deadliest Catch” to support her. It’s either the Alaska version of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” or “The Real Housewives of Wasilla.”
I’m pretty sure it’s not “The Cougar,” but I could be wrong.
Then there’s reality star Mark Sanford, whom I’m thinking must be in “The Amazing Race.” The guy loves to travel, and he’s good at it. When you think about the difficulty of what he pulled off in the last episode, it truly lives up to the billing of amazing.
First he had to dump his security detail and leave Columbia, S.C., without telling anyone where he was going; he had to hike the Appalachian Trail all the way down to Argentina carrying only a cell phone and a Bible; there, he had to bed a woman not his wife and when he got back home he had to call a press conference to confess it all.
But — and here’s the tricky part — he had to do all that without losing his job.
As governor.
And I hear he pulled it off.
A few more things I’ve heard: Next year they’re holding auditions for the next round of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” It’s called congressional elections.
Producers are also planning Washington-based versions of “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy,” “Weakest Link,” “American Gladiators” and “The Apprentice,” with returning champion Joe Biden.
And stay tuned next week as Puerto Rican spitfire Sonia Sotomayor tries to woo members of the Senate Judiciary Committee on “The Bachelorette,” plus an interview with the wacky winner of this season’s “Last Comic Standing,” Sen. Al Franken.
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289 comments Add your comment
getalife
July 9th, 2009
1:40 pm
That is good stuff Jay.
Brad Steel
July 9th, 2009
1:50 pm
Well done, Jay.
Divorce papers with: “being in close quarters with such a volatile person was like being locked in a phone booth with an enraged ferret.”
Probably should have responded with being in bed with a drooling weasel.
Rightwing Troll
July 9th, 2009
1:51 pm
If only you knew how unreal “reality” television actually is… I’ve spent the last 5 years working on the set of one of the biggest “reality” shows out there. It’s just really not that “real”…
ByteMe
July 9th, 2009
1:52 pm
You’ve been saving this one up for a while, haven’t you, Jay?
Wyld Byll Hyltnyr
July 9th, 2009
1:53 pm
Here are a few Democrat suggestions, Jay:
“Vice Presidents say the Darnedness Things” starring Joe Biden
“The Pretender” starring Barrack Obama
“Survivor” starring Ted Kennedy
“What’s My Line” starring Marion Barry
“Maude” featuring Barney Frank in the starring role
“Extreme Makeover” featuring highlights from Nancy Pelatio’s last seven face lifts
“Discovey Channel: History of the Kl-n” featuring Robert Byrd
“Tax Time from HR Block” – panel discussion featuring Geithner, Daschle, and Sebelius
Jay
July 9th, 2009
1:54 pm
Troll, I’ve often thought that you could build a great movie or TV series around the crew filming a so-called “reality series” like Survivor.
FinnMcCool
July 9th, 2009
1:54 pm
Boy, those Brits will watch just about anything on the telly.
Wyld Byll Hyltnyr
July 9th, 2009
1:59 pm
One more:
“Biggest Loser” – Harry Reid
josef nix
July 9th, 2009
1:59 pm
That’s some good fun! Got a whole new respect for ya!
Angry Black Man
July 9th, 2009
2:02 pm
Jay, you forgot to mention all that is Michael Jackson. The funniest yet saddest thing I saw the other day was a news article on Fox News. On my way home from work, I read the story about how a mother was angry about the media coverage that Mike was receiving. Her son had been killed in Afghanistan, and there was hardly any mention of him by mainstream media. I could understand and agree with her anger because I see soldiers returning home from Iraq/Afghanistan on a daily basis, so they’re always in my heart and prayers. However, once I get home and turn on the TV, what do I find on Fox News Channel? Michael Jackson’s memorial service. I guess that’s their idea of fair and balanced.
josef nix
July 9th, 2009
2:02 pm
Wyld Byll Hyltnyr
Partisan, but funny!!
Angry Black Man
July 9th, 2009
2:09 pm
Hey Byll, that’s funny. Got any Republican ideas or is that a one-way street only?
Goldie
July 9th, 2009
2:12 pm
Tee-hee– Jay, I do believe you’re filling in for Senator Franken on the comedy circuit now– Excellent analysis of our polilticians these days!
Normal
July 9th, 2009
2:14 pm
Wyld Byll: What Josef said….especially the funny part.
———-
Jay, is stand up taught in journalism school? That was good!
ByteMe
July 9th, 2009
2:15 pm
Do most people (incorrectly) assume these days that Eliot Spitzer was a Republican?
Stan
July 9th, 2009
2:16 pm
Jay
1:54 pm
Great! A “reality show” about…reality shows
josef nix
July 9th, 2009
2:23 pm
Jay–congrats on being “fair and balanced” and equal opportunity. Ah wuz impressed, Suh!
Joe Matarotz
July 9th, 2009
2:29 pm
You can’t make this shiznit up. Too funny!
Shawny
July 9th, 2009
2:37 pm
“What’s My Line” starring Marion Barry
Now that is funny. Too many politicians are sleezeballs. Too much of today’s TV is occupied by these idiotic reality programs. I hate all of them. The golden age of TV is long gone, and that is sad.
conservative democrat
July 9th, 2009
2:38 pm
@Angry Black Man,
I’m working on something for the SC governor, “Sanford and Sons” relo to Buenos Aries. But, I haven’t got all the final details yet.
RB from Gwinnett
July 9th, 2009
2:41 pm
“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate City” featuring Ray Neagin.
conservative democrat
July 9th, 2009
2:41 pm
Fox and Friends accused Franken of being a clown. Wouldn’t that be a compliment since he spent most of his life as a comedy writer? I think he’ll be a better senator that he was a clown.
Normal
July 9th, 2009
2:42 pm
Whiner, you still out there? I was perusing e-bay under “war board games” (I collect them) and I saw a game that made me think of you. It’s called “You Must Be An Idiot”. Now, I’m not being sassy, just go into ebay under war board games on paqge 9. I’m serious. Jus’ sayin’
Angry Black Man
July 9th, 2009
2:44 pm
Hey conservative, how about “Magic’s Greatest Tricks Revealed”? You can show how to make people disappear and reappear.
Normal
July 9th, 2009
2:44 pm
Shawny: When I first read that I thought it said “Which Is My Line”…
Angry Black Man
July 9th, 2009
2:46 pm
I think Marion Barry would be better suited for “McGyver”. That’s the only person I’ve seen get out of more sticky situations than Barry.
Wyld Byll Hyltnyr
July 9th, 2009
2:47 pm
“America’s Top Dog” – Hillary Clinton
“I know What you did last summer” – Mark Sanford
“Sanford & Sons” – Jenny Sanford
“Branded” – Scooter Libby
“Unforgiven” – President Bush
“Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” – Larry Craig
david wayne osedach
July 9th, 2009
2:50 pm
At last Sanford got an overseas vacation out of the deal. You don’t see Argentina crying about that.
DB, Gwinnettian
July 9th, 2009
2:50 pm
Jon and Kate Gosselin
Blessedly, I have heretofore been so thoroughly unaware of this couple that I was not even aware of their last name.
I haven’t a clue what these people do for a living, nor do I care to learn.
Angry Black Man
July 9th, 2009
2:51 pm
Thank’s Byll, now I have to wipe coffee off of my desk and monitor. That Mark Sanford was too funny!!!
Normal
July 9th, 2009
2:51 pm
Wyld Byll go to Hollywood…Now!
Wyld Byll Hyltnyr
July 9th, 2009
2:51 pm
ABM – my pleasure
Angry Black Man
July 9th, 2009
2:57 pm
“The Amazing Race” featuring Mark Sanford.
“The Weakest Link” with all of the candidates for Governor.
“Pimp My Ride” w/Oxendine.
“Who Wants to be a Millionaire” w/Senator Jefferson. (I can’t remember his first name)
“Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” starring Hillary Clinton.
“Lockdown” featuring Larry Stevens.
“The Mole” W/Dick Cheney and staff
“
Matilda
July 9th, 2009
2:59 pm
Hahaha! Funny stuff, Mr. Bookman!
Angry Black Man
July 9th, 2009
3:02 pm
Typed in the wrong person for Amazing Race. Meant to put Barack Obama. Darned hands are faster than the brain.
@@
July 9th, 2009
3:06 pm
I’m only familiar with one reality show, jay — BIG BROTHER!
My all-time favorite contestant “Evil Dick”.
I LOVED THAT GUY!!!!
Get Real
July 9th, 2009
3:06 pm
“Miami Vice”- John Boehner
Jefferson
July 9th, 2009
3:08 pm
Who want to be a Millionaire – Bernie Madoff
Mrs. Godzilla
July 9th, 2009
3:16 pm
Dancing in the Stalls – Larry Craig
DoggoneGA
July 9th, 2009
3:19 pm
Gunsmoke – Dick Cheney
GOP is gone
July 9th, 2009
3:21 pm
I have always been partial to Jon Stewart’s “You don’t know Dick”
AmVet
July 9th, 2009
3:24 pm
“enraged ferret.”
Hilarious! Too bad the line came from a philandering scumbag.
I was doing pretty good keeping up until I got to the Apprentice. To show you how out of touch I am with this tripe, I had to look it up to confirm it had something to do with Trump. (not kidding.)
But isn’t that the point?
This crap is popular beyond measure because the dolts that abound in this country are that manipulated by Fifth Avenue and Hollywood.
Ultra-violence and body counts masked as American heroes.
Mindless trash disguised as compelling drama. And to be perfectly politically incorrect – Tard TV.
And Nielsen knows it has the addicted lamebrains by the short hairs. Nor for this contrarian.
When Comcast calls me and extols the virtue of spending even more money with them, I tell them, “Man you got a helluva job. (In my best Allen Iverson voice I say) We’re talking about TV man! TV.”
We have an unacceptable percentage of the immoral buffoons in government and the entertainment/sports industries that we do, because to that same unacceptable percentage, we are those same immoral buffoons.
But hey! If it makes you fell better, blame the schools. Blame the government. Blame the system. Anybody but yourself/myself/ourselves…
@@
July 9th, 2009
3:26 pm
Addressing your topic downstairs. Kinda weird when one stops to think about it.
Pickens’s pullback could signal shift in the wind
Due to the recession, the entrepreneurial spirit is in flux. What are they waiting on? Stimulus from the government.
From where does the stimulus money come? China.
“While it’s way down from its peak, gas and oil is still way up over the past several years,” said Scott Sklar, president of Stella Group Ltd, a Washington D.C.-based energy consultancy. “China and India are still growing and this really is a supply and demand issue … no one sees energy prices, whether it’s oil, gas or electricity, go lower.”
So while China continues to pollute, we’ll borrow from them to save the planet. Politically speaking, that consists of our government’s corner in the corporate world.
Don Quixote: [about to attack the windmill] Ho, there, foul monster! Cease the knocking at thy craven knees and prepare to do battle!
Sancho Panza: [nearly simultaneously] Your Grace, I swear by my wife’s little black moustache that’s not a giant, it’s only a…
[with a yell, Don Quixote charges off]
Gandalf, the White! (!)
July 9th, 2009
3:37 pm
HEY since Barry’s own staff can’t spell his name correctly, maybe we should all just call him Barry! Barry is such a nicer name the Barrack Hussien! Don’t you agree? Barry…visions of crack pipes maybe? Barry has sucked that crack pipe, had some good weed while in Hawaii! Barrack Hussien…visions or Ragheaded islamofacist terrorist killing innocent Isreali athletes in Munich? See why I am so happy! Call him Barry! That’s what his mom called him, after that loser father of our POTUS walked out on her! When do you think he’ll walk out on FUGLY? Apple falls not far from the tree, just sayin!
getalife
July 9th, 2009
3:39 pm
The Palins.
Now, that is a reality show full of drama.
professional skeptic
July 9th, 2009
3:40 pm
Hey Jay,
How about the reality show that is Georgia politics?
Check it out at Creative Loafing:
http://bit.ly/kDdsO
GayGrayGeek
July 9th, 2009
3:40 pm
Byte Me @ 2:15 – Oh, nay nay, kind person. You must remember that the “Fair [snort] and Balanced [chortle]” network labels all adulterers as “-D”s. Because, of course, no Good Godly Republican’t would EVER cheat on his wife – in diapers, nor in an airport men’s room stall, nor in Buenos Aires.
Hillbilly Deluxe
July 9th, 2009
3:43 pm
DB writes:
I haven’t a clue what these people do for a living, nor do I care to learn.
Amen to that. If all these people (all those Jay mentioned and quite a few more) want to act like damn fools it’s their business. But are they so self-absorbed and narcissistic that they don’t realize that their family and friends (if they have any friends) must be embarrassed and/or mortified by their behavior? …….You’re right that’s a stupid question. No further questions, Your Honor.
ByteMe
July 9th, 2009
3:45 pm
GGG: that’s the point, he IS a Democrat. But most people assume otherwise because of his law-and-order stances and his thinking with things that are below the waste.
Meanwhile, anyone else watching the slow train wreck that is Ensign-Coburn today?
Hillbilly Deluxe
July 9th, 2009
3:47 pm
@@ just for you a day early (IWH)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eRrObcBVEo