Good news! OK, not really. But just make some up…
The amusing Chris Buckley, over at The Daily Beast, has decided that if the universe refuses to provide him with good news, he’ll just have to make up his own.
Such as:
“FORMER MERRILL HEAD THAIN TAKES JOB
AS TOILET ATTENDANT AT ‘21’ CLUB”
John Thain, who made headlines for spending $1.2 million redecorating his office with such items as a $35,000 antique commode as his company went down in flames, has been hired to attend the men’s room at the venerable eatery.
You got any good news of your own you’d like to add? Something that, if true, would bring a smile to your face and a bounce to your step? Something you’d like to share?
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399 comments Add your comment
DB, Gwinnettian
March 11th, 2009
11:40 am
Jay, this is not going to end well.
Sam
March 11th, 2009
11:46 am
Treason (NY) Times, Red (Washington) Post, AJC have all gone under!!!!
Not really, not yet anyways. But one can always hope…..
PJ
March 11th, 2009
11:47 am
To: DB, Gwinnettian @11:40 am – I couldn’t agree more.
RW-(the original)
March 11th, 2009
11:52 am
Oh how I hope this thread is still alive when I get back.
You guys realize that this commode wasn’t a toilet, right?
G
March 11th, 2009
11:56 am
BREAKING NEWS – Bush, Cheney and Co. working on a North Korean chain gang.
Pictures to follow.
I love this, Jay!
ByteMe
March 11th, 2009
11:56 am
I’m with DB.
But, here’s my submission:
Madoff sentenced to life… with homeless.
Bernard Madoff, who created and ran a Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors of over $50 billion, pled guilty today to all charges and was immediately sentenced to life as a homeless person without a chance for parole. Mr. Madoff and his wife will immediately lose all their possessions, bank accounts, and social status and will be transported to the “Good Times Mission” on 31st Street, where they will be required to live on the outskirts of the property in a cardboard box near a heating grate for the remainder of their life.
“It seemed the least I could do on behalf of those who will never see their money again,” stated the judge during sentencing.
DB, Gwinnettian
March 11th, 2009
11:56 am
RW, was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Joey
March 11th, 2009
11:57 am
Promptly after Congress passed the $527 billion legislation, President Obama signed into law a bill that provides for U.S. Government to acquire every unwanted and empty house, lot, retail center and office building in the U.S.
The bill stipulates that the properties be demolished and converted into park land and open space. This immediately puts tens of thousands of people to work. In addition it completely eliminated the housing, commercial and office surplus inventory, thereby, creating new jobs for tree and plant nurseries; developers; builders; equipment manufacturers, retailers and operators; roofing manufacturers; appliance makers and retailers; furniture and fixture makers and sellers; and uncountable others.
BDAtlanta
March 11th, 2009
11:57 am
ummm, some of us still have a job! Yeah!..
Keep buying whiskey and other spirits, folks!
ByteMe
March 11th, 2009
11:57 am
Hmm.. that was more cathartic than I expected.
DB, Gwinnettian
March 11th, 2009
11:58 am
2008 GOP Presidential Candidates Admit: Their Notion of “Executive Experience” Not Really Worth Bucket of Warm Spit
RW-(the original)
March 11th, 2009
11:59 am
No DB, you’re right. It’s not over until WE say it’s over!
But I’ve got to Boomshangalang on outta here for the moment.
GodHatesTrash, Superstar
March 11th, 2009
11:59 am
Southern States Secede Again
Obama: “I’m no Lincoln, We’re Letting Them Go”
ByteMe
March 11th, 2009
11:59 am
Joey, that’s almost genius!
Joe Matarotz
March 11th, 2009
12:00 pm
“Federal Government to use Treason Laws to prosecute the financial and political dirtbags who brought the economy to where it is today”
GodHatesTrash, Superstar
March 11th, 2009
12:01 pm
Headline we’ll never see:
Chickenhawk Blogger Enlists!
GodHatesTrash, Superstar
March 11th, 2009
12:02 pm
Joe The Plumber Receives Ph.D in Engineering from MIT
GodHatesTrash, Superstar
March 11th, 2009
12:03 pm
Sarah Palin Correctly Identifies Ass, Third Base
ByteMe
March 11th, 2009
12:04 pm
GHT: I’m assuming the degree was “honorary”.
GodHatesTrash, Superstar
March 11th, 2009
12:05 pm
Bristol Palin’s Latest Out-of-Wedlock Child To Be Given Normal Name
BDAtlanta
March 11th, 2009
12:09 pm
Breaking:
Don’t mess with Laura Bush?
It turns out Laura Bush is really the hardarse behind the Bush Administration. Known for not taking sheeot from anyone, she was frequently seen with a ruler in hand chasing Cheney around the lower levels of the White House while yelling “Heart attack? You don’t know heart attack, buster!”
W, on the other hand, was constantly busy with a full course load of writing Presidential essays, reading the classics, and calculus. Upon leaving office, W confided with reporters: “Don’t tell the wife but I ain’t reading another book in my life….it’s all baseball from here on out. And, by the way, Presidential Library? Uh no, were building a chain of Presidential Theatres for first run Hollywood hits.”
More to follow…
ok, that felt better!
I Report/ You Whine
March 11th, 2009
12:10 pm
GHT spends one entire day not posting bigoted, hateful and racist garbage to the Bookman blog and joins the reasoned debate, amazingly.
hahaha, just kidding.
Taking joy in the misfortunes of others, eh?
DebbieDoRight
March 11th, 2009
12:16 pm
This Just In!!!
Karl Rove has FINALLY come out of the closet — wearing an expensive Armani dress with a matching pair of Jimmy Choos!!!
News at 6:00!
Midori
March 11th, 2009
12:20 pm
“Andy finally establishes his own blog, to cries of rejoice from fellow AJC bloggers”
Redneck Convert
March 11th, 2009
12:22 pm
1. Raghead gets writter’s block. “Can’t write a word to save my life,” he says.
2. Sister Dusty wins beauty contest, vows to be nice to everyone.
3. RW the Original now homeless; demands government provide benefits.
GodHatesTrash, Superstar
March 11th, 2009
12:27 pm
Limbaugh, Rove Fly to Canada, Elope!
Limbaugh’s White Dress Flatters His Bosom
Jeff Gannon/Guckert, Gay Marine, Best “Man”
Sean Hannity is Rush’s Maid of Honor
GodHatesTrash, Superstar
March 11th, 2009
12:29 pm
Bush Arrested in Munich Airport, Held for War Crimes
DebbieDoRight
March 11th, 2009
12:33 pm
Today’s Breaking News:
Rush Limbaugh, the undisputed heavyweight of Oxycontin and Jack Daniels, has checked himself into Celebrity Rehab, a new reality show where Celebrities, (and Limbaugh), go to get cleaned up while making must-see TV. Said Limbaugh of his internment inside the center, “I can’t go through life being fat, stupid, drunk and wasted all the time. I mean, where would that get me? If I keep this up, I might end up being the mouthpiece of the Republican Party!! I hope I NEVER get that low!!! It was close there for a minute, but, like I said, I hope I NEVER get that low!!!”
UPDATE: On Limbaugh’s first day, he accidentally took 20 Oxycontin, thinking they were Viagra tablets for his erectile dysfunction. Said Limbaugh, “It was an honest mistake!! I didn’t have my glasses on and I thought I was looking at a picture of Marilyn Monroe. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was a picture of Anne Coulter!! Ewwww!!! I almost took a drink when I found that out!!!”
Limbaugh is currently resting comfortably in his room wearing his monogrammed ” I Miss Stromming With Strom!” jammies, and listening to his favorite song, “Don’t u wish your boyfriend was hot like me”, by Bernie Madoff
Taxpayer
March 11th, 2009
12:34 pm
Information, housed at Area 51 since the ’50s, released today finally and conclusively reveal the true origins of the Republican party. Details at 6, Indeed.
The Voice
March 11th, 2009
12:36 pm
Jay Bookman given 60 years in the state pen and forced to take the prison name “Shirley.” Bookmans crime centers around the fact that he claimed to be a newspaper columnist but could not come up with any columns that were his exclusively. He presented a vast portfolio that showed the cut and paste of other “real” newspaper op ed folks and then had the public actually write his column by making comments online. Mr. Bookman was last seen weeping uncontrollably as he was sent into the arms of his cellmate Bubba “I love Shirleys” Strangelove. As he started to make a statement to the public Mr. Bookman was silenced by Strangelove and told to be quiet that all he was allowed to do for the next 60 years is to moan on cue.
DebbieDoRight
March 11th, 2009
12:38 pm
This Just In!
President GW Bush eats a pretzel, chokes one the pretzel, (because he can’t do two things at one time, like breathing while eating), and passes out in the Oval Office!!! Hundreds of thousands of people heard laughing hysterically around the world!!!
DB, Gwinnettian
March 11th, 2009
12:38 pm
Given Flashlight, Printed Instructions, GPS and use of Both Hands, Columnist Jim Wooten Finds Own Ass
Vinny
March 11th, 2009
12:39 pm
Michelle Obama is actually proud of her country
CommunistAJC
March 11th, 2009
12:41 pm
Just read a poll that said 53% of Americans believe we will enter a depression. Now, this means Obama Hussein has already failed. He failed to bring Hope and Change to America.
You idiots who put your hope in a politician are clueless.
Barack Hussein Obama: CHAINS WE CAN BELIEVE IN!
Mrs. Godzilla
March 11th, 2009
12:41 pm
BREAKING NEWS….After retreating to his 100,000 acre Paraguaian ranch in order to elude the service of a subpoena from the Hague charging war crimes, it is being reported that Former President
George W. Bush disappeared while clearing jungle brush.
Mrs. Bush, former first lady, is quoted as saying, “I was reading the
most recent copy of people and looked up…and he was just gone.”
Reporters are saying that a distraught Mrs. Bush was being comforted by family retainer and general houseboy Rico Suave at the time.
Investigators describe drag marks and monkey feces at the scene of the disappearance. Along with a hidden pile of 2 or 3 hundred smashed PBR cans and empty jars of dry roasted peanuts.
fearless fosdick
March 11th, 2009
12:41 pm
DebbieDoRight…Debbie I must say you did REALLY RIGHT! A hilarious piece on a slob of a billionaire who can’t even get a date. I wonder how those cysts that kept him out of Viet Name are healing?
Bosch
March 11th, 2009
12:41 pm
Oh, this is funny…….
Vinny
March 11th, 2009
12:44 pm
Barack Obama speaks to press without using a teleprompter
CommunistAJC
March 11th, 2009
12:44 pm
Bookman, here is how you are a hypocrite. You write 4-5 “blogs” about how Rush wants Obama to fail YET you never reported how James Carville wanted Bush to fail.
Carville Wanted Bush to Fail
The press never reported that Democratic strategist James Carville said he wanted President Bush to fail before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. But a feeding frenzy ensued when radio host Rush Limbaugh recently said he wanted President Obama to fail.
On the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, just minutes before learning of the terrorist attacks on America, Democratic strategist James Carville was hoping for President Bush to fail, telling a group of Washington reporters: “I certainly hope he doesn’t succeed.”
Carville was joined by Democratic pollster Stanley Greenberg, who seemed encouraged by a survey he had just completed that revealed public misgivings about the newly minted president.
“We rush into these focus groups with these doubts that people have about him, and I’m wanting them to turn against him,” Greenberg admitted.
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/03/11/carville-wanted-bush-fail/
PJ
March 11th, 2009
12:46 pm
Editorialist Jay Bookman Receives the Putzler Prize for the the most thought provoking blog of the year and is this years Noble Prize Laureate for his patience with those who know nothing nor care about anyone else.
CommunistAJC
March 11th, 2009
12:46 pm
BREAKING NEWS: HOWARD FINEMAN TURNS ON OBAMA HUSSEIN!
A Turning Tide?
Obama still has the approval of the people, but the establishment is beginning to mumble that the president may not have what it takes.
Howard Fineman
Newsweek Web Exclusive
Mar 10, 2009 | Updated: 8:37 a.m. ET Mar 10, 2009
Surfer that he is, President Obama should know a riptide when he’s in one. The center usually is the safest, most productive place in politics, but perhaps not now, not in a once-in-a-century economic crisis.
Swimming in the middle, he’s denounced as a socialist by conservatives, criticized as a polite accommodationist by government-is-the-answer liberals, and increasingly, dismissed as being in over his head by technocrats.
Luckily for Obama, the public still likes and trusts him, at least judging by the latest polls, including NEWSWEEK’s. But, in ways both large and small, what’s left of the American establishment is taking his measure and, with surprising swiftness, they are finding him lacking.
They have some reasons to be concerned. I trace them to a central trait of the president’s character: he’s not really an in-your-face guy. By recent standards—and that includes Bill Clinton as well as George Bush—Obama for the most part is seeking to govern from the left, looking to solidify and rely on his own party more than woo Republicans. And yet he is by temperament judicious, even judicial. He’d have made a fine judge. But we don’t need a judge. We need a blunt-spoken coach.
http://www.newsweek.com/id/188565/output/print
Mrs. Godzilla
March 11th, 2009
12:46 pm
Rapture occurs…..leaves right wing behind!
CommunistAJC
March 11th, 2009
12:47 pm
MORE BREAKING NEWS: CYNTHIA TUCKER WINS ANOTHER PULITZER FOR HATING WHITEY!
CommunistAJC
March 11th, 2009
12:48 pm
Mrs. Godzilla,
you write: Rapture occurs…..leaves right wing behind!
Funny you should mention a subject that you know nothing about. Do tell us all how the rapture will occur, Mrs. G?
Copyleft
March 11th, 2009
12:48 pm
Commie, the topic was FAKE, MADE-UP news and you linked to…
Oh, wait. Never mind. (grin)
DebbieDoRight
March 11th, 2009
12:52 pm
Breaking News!!
Former Vice President Dick Cheney, the “villian” of the Bush White House years, has just reported that he was a client of Bernie Madoff’s and he has lost 1 trillion dollars of his personal wealth. Cheney, in tears and wearing a pair of WalMart shoes, said this of his predicament, “It’s just not fair!!! I singlehandedly allowed Haliburton and Big Oil to make the most profits in the 8 years that they’ve ever made in their history; while I was the Presi—–ummm Vice President by swindling the American Public out of their hard earned money; and that a$$H0le Madoff ended up swindling me!!! It’s just NOT FAIR!!”
Former VP Cheney is now at Walter Reed Hospital recuperating from an attempted suicide, (he tried to thaw out his cold heart and caused it, his heart to go into palpitations); he’s in good but stable condition and doctors have been administering freon to his heart at regular intervals. His wife of over 30 years, Lynn, left him 6 days ago for her new lover, Bambi, (a former stripper at Barney’s downtown). We here at the news desk wish Mr. Cheney the slowest of recoveries.
CommunistAJC
March 11th, 2009
12:52 pm
Mrs. Godzilla,
the rapture will take up whoever is a born again Christian.
Abomi Nation
March 11th, 2009
12:52 pm
“Americans’ job approval rating of Congress is up an additional 8 points this month, after a 12-point increase last month, and now stands at 39% — the most positive assessment of Congress since February 2005.” From Gallup.com
Maybe Mr Thain could run for congress as a Democrat and regain some of his lost reputation!
Red
March 11th, 2009
12:53 pm
American proletariat revolts. Senate is abolished. Limbaugh, Cantor, Boehner and others arrested.
CommunistAJC
March 11th, 2009
12:53 pm
Copyleft,
really? No $hit Sherlock.