Dealing with college rejection: Students can get over not getting in
The standard college rejection letter announces, “While you are a qualified applicant, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission.”
However, the rejected student often reads a subtext into the letter: “You are not good enough. You are not getting into this amazing college that would have changed your life.”
Allison Singh, 37, understands that reaction. That is how she felt when Princeton rejected her 20 years ago. She nursed her wounds until she realized that she ultimately benefited from the loss.
So, when a high school friend asked her to help her boss’ daughter deal with a rejection by her dream college, Singh composed a long email that began, “I was crushed when I wasn’t accepted to my first-choice college. I felt like a failure and was angry that all of my hard work hadn’t been enough for admission.”
But Singh ended the email with, “But slowly, I gave my school and my classmates a chance, and gave myself a break…I came out of college with a better sense of myself, a true appreciation for learning, good friendships, happy memories and even my future husband.”
That email led Singh to write the new book, “Getting Over Not Getting In.” She wrote the book for students who did everything right, achieved at high levels and still met with rejection.
The slim volume reassures students that rejections are owed to many reasons, almost all of which have nothing to do with the applicants.
Singh points out that many of the top schools reserve a large percentage of their spots for students with “hooks,” the legacies, underrepresented minorities, children of donors and star athletes.
Based on her research, those students can account for up to 60 or 70 percent of an incoming class, leaving only a third of the seats for regular applicants.
And because so many of those special category admissions may fall below the academic requirements, Singh says the applicants from the regular pool often have to offer the highest of credentials to balance out the low scores.
In a telephone interview from her home in New York, Singh said, “There isn’t enough talk about rejection at the start of the college application process. I couldn’t find any books on college rejection. After being rejected, students feel they’re second-rate. They go off to college very jaded.”
Counselors and parents often reassure students that their top grades and near perfect SATS meet the criteria of Harvard or Yale. But what they don’t say is that the odds are still against them.
Some of the Ivies reject 93 out of every 100 applicants, even though many of them had perfect math or English SAT scores.
“We set kids up for failure when we don’t give them an explanation for why they will probably not get into Harvard or these other brand name schools,” says Singh. “We owe it to them to say, ‘You did a fantastic job and you are a going to be a success. But you are probably not going to get in.’’’
This intense focus on a handful of elite schools turns them into luxury brands that everyone wants, says Singh.
“By perpetuating this notion that there are three or five really good schools, students focus on getting into these schools instead on figuring what they want to do with their life and what skills they need to do it.”
While Princeton rejected her, Dartmouth did not, so Singh has the benefit of an Ivy League degree. And she has a law degree from Georgetown.
But her own experiences and her research for her book have convinced her that we have oversold the value of an Ivy League degree. She can tick off an impressive list of accomplished people who attended state universities or never finished college.
But what about those surveys that suggest Ivy League degrees offer an edge in the job market?
“It might open doors,” she says. “But even if the name opens the door, it is a revolving door and you have to prove yourself. Many employers are suspicious of these graduates of elite schools because they feel they often have an entitlement complex. They want to always be challenged. So they don’t want to do the lower level work, the grunt work that comes when you start a job.”
For students unhappily bound for their second choice colleges in the fall, Singh advises, “You could be missing out on great learning opportunities and forming relationships if you always have your eyes set on someplace else.”
–From Maureen Downey, for the AJC Get Schooled blog
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77 comments Add your comment
Lee
May 19th, 2012
11:28 am
@Maureen, re “My co-worker Jay Bookman … is among the brightest people I know.”
ROFLMAO. I suggest you get out more…
Maureen Downey
May 19th, 2012
11:33 am
@Shar, That might be true. However, Harvard’s yield rate — accepted applicants who choose to attend — is the highest in the country at nearly 76 percent.
75.9 percent.
http://www.thecrimson.com/article/2012/1/26/ranking-1-yield/
@Maureen
May 19th, 2012
12:10 pm
I taught gifted for over a decade in one of Atlanta largest urban school districts. I taught over a thousand gifted students in my tenure. Quite a few went to Ivy League schools, and I have many adult friends who went to Ivy league schools as well. You are correct. Most of the students are smart in an Ivy league school. Since you went to graduate school, that also skews smart as well so your perception of smart people in your classes was probably magnified.
I got many compliments on the awards my gifted students won and positive comments about their advanced writing skills and knowledgeable discussions. But most of their performance was based on the fact that they had/have high mental ability – all of them. Put high mental ability people in the same room, and you will see those advanced critical thinking skills multiplied. Educational studies have shown that most students including the lower level and middle level students benefit academically from heterogeneous classrooms, but high level students benefit more academically from homogeneous grouping (although IMO there are substantial social benefits to intellectually diverse classes).
Perhaps collecting smart people and putting them in the same environment is what the Ivies do best. That may be as good a reason as any for wanting your child to go to one.
no mas
May 19th, 2012
12:30 pm
The probability of walking into a high-paying/prestigious job because of an Ivy-league degree is directly related to the state of the economy. I graduated with a solid B average in Theology and Philosophy (cue the laughter) from an Ivy, but when I graduated (1973), the economy was uncertain, and the best I could do out of college was working for an employment agency (not great in bad times) and cleaning houses at a construction site. My roommate, who graduated summa cum laude with a history degree, went to New York City thinking there would be more jobs there. She got a job as a junior buyer for Macy’s and just eked by.
It took me 8 months and a move to a different state to get into an in-house computer programming training, but from that, I was able to put together the first (17 year long) phase of my 5-career lifetime. I maintain that if you take your work seriously in college and make an effort to make connections with professors, classmates and mentors while you are there, you can create a successful life path. What you learn about learning in college helps you learn the important stuff when you get out – how to persevere, how to ask questions, how to find out answers – how to learn a job. What you learn after college determines where you go after college.
Anonmom
May 19th, 2012
1:36 pm
I don’t think we’d be teetering on the edge of the early decision box for Univ. Penn if the anticipated school wasn’t Wharton …. if he was interested in Art History or sociology maybe the anticipated return on investment would be less clear but it seems that, in the research we have been doing, the consensus is pretty clear that the Wharton degree is worth the cost if the kid can get in and will put his “all” into it once there even in this economy particularly with a fluency in a foreign language.
Maureen Downey
May 19th, 2012
1:38 pm
@lee, You may not agree with his politics but he is sharp and his knowledge of history, US and world, is remarkable. He has a national following and it is no surprise why.
Maureen
Shar
May 19th, 2012
4:18 pm
@ Maureen: You can fool some of the people all of the time……
Lee
May 19th, 2012
4:32 pm
@Maureen, well, if he’s so dang smart, what’s he still doing at the AJC? He is simply the white male version of Cynthia Tucker- one of the most useless columnists to ever disgrace a newspaper. Let me guess, you liked her as well
Maureen Downey
May 19th, 2012
5:11 pm
@lee, Loved working for Cynthia. One of the best bosses I ever had. Treated everyone fairly and with respect and let you do your job.
And Jay and many others of my colleagues could go a lot of other places but there are these anchors called spouses with great jobs, kids with schools they love, nice homes in great neighborhoods, wonderful weather in Atlanta and, my favorite, free refills of ice tea, something I never got in New Jersey.
Maureen
Sam
May 19th, 2012
6:00 pm
I’m sorry, but this new generation seems like they can’t handle any negative news. Why are so they so touchy and reactionary? You got rejected from college, not the world. Go to your safety school or community college and then transfer in later, big deal. Teenagers these days can’t see the forest through the trees.
bootney farnsworth
May 19th, 2012
6:11 pm
I’d not tell any kid to go to Harvard unless they are getting a full ride – even us backwards southerners know not to turn down a free yankee education.
working for the USG, I can honestly say for the vast majority you’ll get just as good an education here in the ignorant south as you will in the Ivy league. At some schools -if you can afford them- significantly better.
there is only one thing the Ivy League offers our southern schools do not. the inbred approval of the New England liberal elite.
if somebody really feels the need to suck up to yankees who’ll never approve of you anyways, knock yourselves out
bootney farnsworth
May 19th, 2012
6:26 pm
@ Maureen
I’ve heard rumors of bosses who treat people fairly and let you do your job.
working at GPC I’ve not seen that in a very long time. what does it look like?
Maureen Downey
May 19th, 2012
7:29 pm
@bootney, It looks great, but it is a rare sight. I hope that the changes coming to GPC will give you a chance to see it up close and personal.
Maureen
Atlanta Mom
May 20th, 2012
1:13 am
Bootney, you state “I can honestly say for the vast majority you’ll get just as good an education here in the ignorant south as you will in the Ivy league”
Perhaps that works for the “majority” But, guess what–the majority is not being accepted at Ivy league schools. So…..if that makes you feel good, go for it
RSX
May 20th, 2012
2:08 am
Whatever school makes it easier for you to get the job you want out of school, go there. I have a 3.1 at UGA but I’ve networked my ass off, and there’s a strong chance I’ll have a job out of school. Thanks to the resources that I had at my disposal in Athens (The UGA Music Business program and the historic music scene), I have a lot of EXPERIENCE that others don’t.
& if I’ve already done the stuff with a UGA education that someone was only trained to do with an Ivy education….I’m gonna get the job.
Lakeisha Jackson
May 20th, 2012
7:42 am
You make a very good point, Maureen, in that students can get over not being accepted to their dream college. The only time it’s especially difficult is when a kid sees someone ELSE get in…whom they know had a lesser grade average and made lower on the SAT or ACT…but was accepted so that “the numbers would work”.
bootney farnsworth
May 20th, 2012
8:09 am
@ Atl Mom
you hold on to that rationalization.
hold on tight.
me, if I had a student with the ability for a superior education and the means for me to afford it, I’d send him/her to such backwards places as Duke, North Carolina, Vanderbilt, University of the South, even our own UGA & Ga. Tech before I’d subject them to the indignity and waste of fiscal resources call the Ivy League.
bootney farnsworth
May 20th, 2012
8:13 am
@ Lakeisha,
its a common theme in life.
when I was a junior in HS I wanted to date one of the hot blondes on the drill team.
she wasn’t interested and kept going out with her bench warming football player boyfriend.
I had better grades, better looks, even a better car, but….
the Stones said it best “you can’t always get what you want”
bootney farnsworth
May 20th, 2012
8:18 am
@ RSX,
(sarcasm on)
how dare you compare you’re education to the mythical Ivy League?
you must be an ignorant southerner like me to think you got a quality education
at UGA
for your punishment, go find a picture of Brown or Princeton and chant I’m not worthy
(sarcasm off)
Reality
May 20th, 2012
8:48 am
Started off at Agnes Scott College back in 1989 and realized after one semester that it was not the place for a degree that I wanted to pursue and would help me to earn a living. I would also have been in horrible debt if I had stayed. I will also add that at that time, “state school girls” were looked down upon by “Agnes Scott women”. Instead, I worked part-time, applied for every scholarship and grant that I could get, and earned a bachelor of science degree at Georgia State and a masters of public health degree at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. As a result, I was commissioned as a Lieutenant Junior Grade and after 14 years in the service am now a full Commander and own two homes. Interestingly enough, many of my former ASC classmates who earned their degrees are now stay-at-home mothers. Bottom line: ivy-league school or not, what your work life becomes is what you put into it.
Big Dog 74
May 20th, 2012
9:11 am
Ivy League is overated; however, the contacts one can developed can never be over rated. Below is a listing of SAT average scores:
Amherst – 2140
Swarthmore – 2130
Caltech – 2235
Columbia – 2100
Stanford – 2150
NYU – 1960
Princeton – 2205
UPenn – 2115
Harvey Mudd – 2190
Pomona – 2165
Notre Dame – 1990
USC – 2050
Boston College – 1990
Villanova – 1895
Rensselaer Polytech – 1930
Tufts – 2110
Skidmore – 1885
Vanderbilt – 2040
Bucknell – 1945
Babson – 1825
Tulane – 1958
Emory – 2010
Boston University – 1915
American University – 1905
Johns Hopkins – 2065
Carnegie Mellon – 2050
University of Virginia – 1985
University of North Carolina Chapel Hill – 1925
University of Rochester – 1965
Georgia Tech – 1930
Mount Holyoke – 1960
University of Texas Austin – 1805
Rutgers – 1795
Ohio State – 1775
Vassar – 2075
Barnard – 2055
Bryn Mawr – 1960
Colby – 2015
DePauw – 1825
University of Miami – 1875
UConn – 1775
Lafayette – 1915
University of Washington – 1760
Case Western – 1965
University of Delaware – 1795
The College of New Jersey – 1880
Wesleyan – 2070
Macalester – 2025
Smith College – 1940
Reed College – 2055
FYI
May 20th, 2012
1:04 pm
@Big Dog
Those scores are from years ago.
Good Mother
May 20th, 2012
4:28 pm
RSX, I really hope you will get a job “in the music business.” I am curious to know what kind of “music jobs” there are out there. Are you a singer? A song writer? A music producer? A sound recorder? Do you wish to be a music teacher?
Good luck to you. I hope you make it, just wondering what the market is out there for “music business.” In my world, business, which is unrelated to music, I am unaware of what music jobs there are out there.
Just my 2 cents
May 20th, 2012
6:27 pm
I speak from personal experience as someone that regularly reviews applicants for a large local conglomerate. Some of the commenters here don’t seem to fully understand the real advantages an ivy degree can confer. An ivy league degree NEVER gives someone I interview a job by itself but what it does give is instant credibility – enough for me to take a closer look and consider the merits of the person being interviewed. If i have 3 seconds to scan a resume, and I have to choose between someone from a county college vs. someone from a brand name school to bring in – who do you think I’m going to take a risk on?
Let’s be honest guys, if someone I interview made it into Harvard or Yale or Princeton or whatever other elite school, I know a few things – they either were highly intelligent, highly motivated or have other skills that put them ahead of the other 90% of candidates that applied to those schools and didn’t get in. The real world, like it or not is a competition and these kids have proof that they’ve at least succeeded in a cutthroat one no less. Bottom line – these kids get better access and a closer look which when you multiply that by however many organizations they’re applying to is a real leg up in their job search.
Anonmom
May 20th, 2012
10:51 pm
thank you for that last post!
Allison Singh
May 21st, 2012
10:05 am
Thank you for your comments. I do not usually engage in these discussions, but I am posting to defend Maureen against an unfair charge that she did not adequately research her sources. Yes, my book is self-published and I am proud of it. As an attorney, I have been published in respected legal journals and written briefs submitted to the U.S. Supreme Court. I am confident in my ability to write and form an argument, and did not need permission from a publisher to help students through a difficult time. Maureen grilled me on the book, and I was impressed with her knowledge and professionalism. She vetted me and I trust she would not present anything to her readers that she did not consider well-researched. Maureen is wise to respect the work of self-published authors. We need independent writers in an age when “traditional” publishers are driven by profits, leaving us with books by “Snooki” and Paris Hilton.
Wow
May 21st, 2012
3:48 pm
It is very intersting to read these blogs! The people constantly advocating that kids stay in Georgia, not rack up student loans debts by doing a liberal arts degree, not got to college at all, go to trade school, and not seek self-actualiziation are pretty amazing in their collective and individual ingnorance and envy. The vast Fortune 500 companies will leave not even look at a resume if the potential applicant has not been to college, (as a matter of fact) many will say specifically if you do not have a degree do not apply. In my department, even the Administrative Assistant was required to have a college degree.
The question should be asked,why did you got to college? Why are you encouraging kids to not attempt to be more qualified? Is it a case of “I am successful so no one else should be” that is driving this intellectually bankrupt drivel?