Coming out in the classroom: How much of their lives should teachers share?
A local teacher sent me a link to a fascinating Huffington Post essay by a California teacher about how she told her middle and high school classes that she was a lesbian and the fallout from administrators, even in the San Francisco area.
The teacher who shared the link noted:
I sincerely hope that Georgia principals would not forbid such an important, relevant discussion in our schools, especially considering how many suicides have been associated with homosexuality and bullying lately. That being said, it does bring up an important ethical question for teachers. When it comes to lifestyle — religion, political affiliation, sexuality — how much should a teacher reveal? Is it unethical to avoid discussion on these matters?
It comes back to a fundamental debate in education. If schools are businesses, who are the customers? Parents (who may not want their children exposed to differing views and opinions), or the society as a whole who demands at least the opportunity to debate such matters (thus requiring exposure)?
My children have had several gay and lesbian teachers. I live in a community where there doesn’t appear to be any repercussions to the teachers. (Teachers may feel differently.) However, I haven’t heard of gay and lesbian teachers focusing on their relationships in the classroom setting — any more than straight teachers bring up their personal relationships to students.
For the most part, I have found teachers limit discussions of their personal lives and their families. I have the same question as the teacher who sent the link: How much should teachers share with students about personal areas of their lives?
I have a friend who never told her high school students that her younger brother, a college student with clinical depression, committed suicide. She simply explained that she was flying home for a family funeral and left it at that. In retrospect, she wishes she had told her students as it may have helped those struggling with depression themselves.
Here is an excerpt from the Huffington essay by Jody Sokolower, which begins with the experience of a middle schooler asking her if she was married. (Take a look at the entire essay if you have time.)
“Well,” I explained in what I hoped was a calm voice, “I have been with the same partner for a very long time, but we can’t get married because we’re lesbians. My partner’s name is Karen, and we have a daughter. She’s 9.” Immediately, everyone had questions and comments.
“Are you for real?” “How could you have a daughter?” “How do you know you’re a lesbian?” “That’s gross.”
“Right now we’re working on Africa,” I said. “But I want to answer your questions. How about this? You think about appropriate questions, and tomorrow we’ll save some time to discuss this. I’ll bring in pictures of my family to show you.”
Twenty minutes later, as we walked back across the yard to our portable, my afternoon class came running toward me. “Is it true you’re a lesbian? Will you talk to us, too?” I repeated my request that they think about appropriate questions and agreed.
That night I collected a few pictures of myself with my partner and daughter, cooking and hanging out at the playground, and one of our extended family. I also thought about how to explain this in a way that would be appropriate for middle schoolers.
I decided to say I knew I was different when I was in middle school and high school, but I didn’t know what was wrong with me. When I was young, no one talked about being lesbian or gay — the whole subject was silenced. Later, I was lucky to be in college at the beginning of the women’s movement and the gay liberation movement, so when I realized I was a lesbian, I had lots of support. I met Karen when we were in our early 20s, and we have been together ever since. When I first told my parents I was a lesbian, they were really upset, and that made me feel terrible. But eventually they realized that it is just part of who I am and that Karen is a wonderful person. I’m glad that now it is a little easier to come out than it was when I was young, but it still takes a lot of courage.
I also set clear parameters in my mind about what kind of questions I wouldn’t answer: nothing about sex, and nothing that felt deliberately disrespectful. And I found wording in the social studies standards that I could use to back up my decision to do this. The next morning there was a note in my box to go see the vice principal. “I hear you’re planning to tell your class about your sex life and show pictures,” he said. “I forbid you to do that.”
“I’m not talking about my sex life,” I told him. “I’m talking with my students about what a lesbian family is. I promised them I would explain and answer their questions if they’re appropriate, and I’m going to do that.”
That day I spent about half an hour in each class telling my brief story, passing around the pictures, and answering questions. Several kids told me that their church says homosexuality is wrong; I simply acknowledged that I know many churches have that perspective. One of the kids asked a question about lesbian sex — not a disrespectful question, but a question. I said it was a good question for a sex education class but not something I could discuss. Everyone else had relevant and engaged questions or comments.
The next day I received a letter from the principal, telling me that she was putting a formal complaint in my file. I also received emails from several teachers offering support and encouragement (including two from teachers who told me they were gay but asking me to keep their secret). There were no complaints from parents. I contacted my union representative, who sent a letter to the principal and to my file supporting me.
–From Maureen Downey, for the AJC Get Schooled blog
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220 comments Add your comment
cris
January 13th, 2012
10:36 am
Wow – this is sticky…my first reaction was to think “no way I would ever share this infomation with students”; however, in reading the way it was handled by this teacher and keeping my own kids in mind, this is probably the most well-thought out way to approach a difficult subject in the classroom. After all, I don’t feel strange acknowledging the fact that I am married and have children to my students….still…I’d be scared s___less if I were this teacher…
mystery poster
January 13th, 2012
10:47 am
I think the teacher handled it perfectly. I like the part about waiting a day to field questions. Students could have time to discuss things with their parents first.
I don’t think intimate details of any teacher’s personal life, gay or straight, should be out there for everyone to see.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
10:50 am
“The next day I received a letter from the principal, telling me that she was putting a formal complaint in my file.”
If a heterosexual teacher, in response to a student’s question about her family, had discussed her spouse and children in same manner, would this administrator have put a formal letter in THAT teacher’s file?
nelson
January 13th, 2012
10:51 am
That is called giving a testimony by Mormons. It appears that telling how happenings have changed ones life for a “bond” between themselves and the people[congregation] listening. A bonding with students is good, it fosters trust and faith that the teacher is leading them down the road to a better life through education.
Actually, unexpressed feelings always manifest themselves in some other wAY Any way, soooooo why not express them.
Yes indeed, Like Joran van der Sloot is being sentenced as I am cliking along. He had every opportunity to turn himself around through testimony and analyzing by a person expert in human nature. Now it is all over. Teaching has great responsibility.
Pluto
January 13th, 2012
10:54 am
Oh brother! Another manifestation of our facebook society. Everybody wants to promote themselves today and say “look at me”. I have students ask me almost every Monday; hey what did you do this weekend? Most of the time I answer nunya. Because it’s none of your business what I do over the weekend. I could tell them that I work with a food ministry on Saturdays and go to church on Sundays but I don’t. That’s my personal life. Maybe some of us are so consumed with promoting our “alternative lifestyles” and looking for acceptenace that we place unfair burdens on our students, I don’t know. Here’s an idea; teach ‘em something.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
10:57 am
Gee, a weak administrator attempts to use retaliation against a teacher.
Shocking.
Dr NO / Mr Sunshine
January 13th, 2012
11:02 am
This is just another attention starved idiot who is “sacrificing themselves and/or privacy for the common good.” In these days of Obama we seem to have more and more self-serving narcissisits.
See Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The teacher should be moved to an administration job and not allowed to work with children ever again. Either that or be terminated.
Prof
January 13th, 2012
11:03 am
I note this telling sentence from the essay by the California writer above: “I contacted my union representative, who sent a letter to the principal and to my file supporting me.” Another way in which teachers’ unions protect the rights of teachers.
pinkbunny
January 13th, 2012
11:05 am
Isn’t it a shame that it takes such extraordinary courage for someone to tell even the simplest, most basic thing about herself? It sounds to me as if she handled it very well. I rather believe that her students have a great deal of respect for her, if only for her honesty and her refusal to pretend to be someone she isn’t. That is the kind of lesson they will remember.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
11:06 am
Well we can’t blame the principal here…everybody knows studies show if you introduce a group of high school students to a gay person, 94% of those students will become gay, altering the course of their lives permanently.
Isn’t there some sort of award we can give this principal. Maybe the JFK Profiles in Courage award?
C Jae of EAV
January 13th, 2012
11:08 am
Personally, while I don’t think an age appropriate socialogical discussion of hetrosexuality or homosexuality in an academic setting is necessarily out of bounds, I have to submit that there is a fine line here that’s hard to define. I kind of place the matter in mind in the church vs state sort of rhelm. I would be no more comfortable with a teacher getting into personal reflections with respect to his/her specific religious beliefs outside the greater sociological context aforementioned given the example presented.
The teacher in question should have reconized the ground she was walking on and took a more netural approach to steer clear of the complexities of the issue that now seem to be biting back at her.
j
January 13th, 2012
11:10 am
She should have the support of admin. I can see where you should be careful about political or religious ideas, but this is talking about who you are. I know a teacher in a wheelchair that has a similar discussion about that and a well-known teacher with Tourrette’s Syndrome has a discussion of that as well. One of the benefits of living in a pluralistic, democratic society is getting different perspectives.
Dr NO / Mr Sunshine
January 13th, 2012
11:13 am
What about those persons who prefer bondage and/or who are sadomasicists? Would these discussions be tolerated? I think not.
Sexual orientation has no business in the classroom.
Atlanta Mom
January 13th, 2012
11:16 am
In general, I think teachers share way too much of their personal life with their students. Being a professional means keeping personal and business separate. One of my children came home and wanted to contact her cousin, because she could get an A in the class if she could find her teacher a date.
That being said, this might be the exception. I believe it’s important for children to recognize that there are gay teachers in the building and a child may find support there. It seems this could be accomplished without having a discussion during class time. At our schools it was apparent to the students who some of the gays teachers were. I guess maybe other schools are a little more button down.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
11:17 am
C Jae of EAV would you have suggested the teacher be “neutral” if she were discussing her husband and their children?
Lee
January 13th, 2012
11:23 am
So this teacher was insubordinate and now wants sympathy because she got a reprimand. Give me a break.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
11:24 am
j much like the lesbian teacher in question, I think it is very, very dangerous for a teacher in a wheelchair to divulge the fact that she in fact uses a wheelchair. Especially if she is a lesbian for it is a well know fact that 93% of students who meet an admitted lesbian who uses a wheelchair become wheelchair using lesbians within 90 days of having been given that information.
I think the principal was right to issue a formal reprimand, and it is imperative that the school system immediately authorize funds for competent therapists to treat these children for at least the next ten years.
God bless this principal for her courageous stand, and God Bless America.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
11:26 am
Actually Lee the teacher was not insubordinate. No mention was made of the teacher’s sex life, which is what the principal requested.
HS Public Teacher
January 13th, 2012
11:30 am
I can easily see this thread becoming a “gay” thread. However, I think it should be more of a “how much should a teacher share” thread.
If a teacher shares nothing at all, ever, then kids will view them as cold, impersonal, and likely even uncaring. Many teachers will put up pictures of their family, their dogs, their children, etc., with the intent to began a personal bond with the students. If none of this is done and if nothing is ever said, any type of personal bond with the students is very difficult to cultivate.
So the question really is….. do parents WANT a personal bond between their kids and their teachers?
stooge
January 13th, 2012
11:33 am
My private life does not exist on campus. I don’t even discuss personal business with fellow staff. Its pretty tame buts its mine mine all mine.
William Casey
January 13th, 2012
11:35 am
I’m totally with Beverly on this one. I taught high school level history. It is quite natural for teens to be interested in their teachers’ personal lives, after all, teachers are not “machines.” Some discussion is appropriate. However, I was employed to teach history, not “Coach Casey 101.” I believe that a judicious amount of personal discussion improved my effectiveness as a teacher just as my interest in students’ non-academic lives was. One key is limiting the amount of such discussions. It’s a matter of judgement, sometimes sadly lacking in schools.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
11:35 am
As much as their should be SOME sort of bond between teachers and student, lines MUST be drawn.
Therefore all the more shocking AND disturbing that a teacher who uses a wheelchair would actually divulge that fact to her students.
I bet a Finnish teacher who uses a wheelchair would NEVER divulge that fact, and that is why they are currently running circles around Americans in education.
When will unions stop pushing their “wheelchair lesbian-anti-American” agenda, and start focusing on academic achievement?
William Casey
January 13th, 2012
11:36 am
Bravo HS PUBLIC TEACHER.
mystery poster
January 13th, 2012
11:37 am
@HS PT
Good observation, that’s really the crux of the whole thing.
Hey Teacher
January 13th, 2012
11:38 am
It’s harder to keep your personal life separate when you live in the community where you teach. My students are dumbfounded when they run into me in Starbucks. On another note, does anyone know if the “morality clause” still exists in most teacher contracts? My district doesn’t have one, but when I first started teaching back in the late 80’s, we were told never to be seen at a restaurant that sold alcohol anywhere close to the school because of the “morality clause”.
William Casey
January 13th, 2012
11:40 am
I agree with STOOGE that a teacher’s private life is his/her own business and the choice to discuss is his/hers. I simply disagree with his/her choice.
Lee
January 13th, 2012
11:50 am
“The next morning there was a note in my box to go see the vice principal. “I hear you’re planning to tell your class about your sex life and show pictures,” he said. “I forbid you to do that.”
“I’m not talking about my sex life,” I told him. “I’m talking with my students about what a lesbian family is. I promised them I would explain and answer their questions if they’re appropriate, and I’m going to do that.””
“…and I’m going to do that” Newsflash; your boss tells you to do (or not to do) something and you cop an attitude and disregard what he tells you to do, expect to receive discipline.
And you teachers complain about disrespectful students who do not do what you tell them to do…..
————————-
“That day I spent about half an hour in each class telling my brief story, passing around the pictures, and answering questions.”
So, not only did she disobey her boss, she wasted half a day on this.
I would have fired her.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
11:53 am
“The teacher should be moved to an administration job and not allowed to work with children ever again. Either that or be terminated.”
Why is it we automatically have to ask, in the enlightened Dr. No’s case, if by “terminated” Dr. No means removed from her job, or executed by lethal injection?
I wouldn’t want to place a wager on which one he meant, that’s for sure.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
11:56 am
Lee, again, her boss told her not to talk about her SEX LIFE. And she didn’t.
Would her boss have prevented her from discussing her HUSBAND?
We know the answer to that question, so when one is asked to silence themselves in a CLEARLY unethical and biased manner, insubordination is NOT the moral high ground.
V for Vendetta
January 13th, 2012
12:11 pm
This is an interesting topic because it highlights the complete double standard between how we expect heterosexual people to act versus homosexual people. Lee’s comments are proof positive. Had a heterosexual teacher divulged the exact same information, he or she would be considered warm, caring, and building strong relationships with students. However, when a homosexual person–one who is in a monogamous relationship and parenting an otherwise orphaned child, by the way–divulges info about his or her “deviant” lifestyle . . . suddenly that’s cause for concern.
How much more narrow-minded can you be? Beverly has it right: this teacher did NOTHING wrong.
carlosgvv
January 13th, 2012
12:20 pm
Many years ago, when I was in the 5th grade, the school authorities discovered my teacher was a Lesbian. She was arrested, her apartment was searched and she and her lover were run out of town.
This happened in a deep South town. I guess we’ve made some progress since then.
MOMOF2
January 13th, 2012
12:20 pm
I think this teacher handled the situation the best she could and did a great job at it esp not letting her self be intimidated by admin. Knowing how some of the student body can react to “gays” becuase they just don’t understand, letting them know that their teacher(I’m sure someone they respect)IS gay, might have helped them understand it a little bit better. I would not have any type of problem with MY child being exposed to that type of situation. I agree with other posts that it is truely a life experience and having them spend most of their days in school, children can really benefit from a discussion like this one. Hopefully this teacher has a much greater respect from her students just for the simple fact that she had the courage to come out and share a part of herself them.
Yay for her and boo to the admin…
Jason
January 13th, 2012
12:30 pm
And right on cue it only took 7 posts before someone invoked Obama as the culprit…you know we have Godwin’s Law for people determined to compare everything to Nazi Germany…what should we name this phenomenon?
Vince
January 13th, 2012
12:31 pm
As a rather conservative guy and an overly cautious principal I think the teacher handled the situation well. I do not have a problem with her telling her students that she has a partner. My problem would be that she wasted class time on it. I would not want any teacher using half a class period talking about their personal lives. We have too much to teach in too little time as it is.
Douglas County teacher
January 13th, 2012
12:31 pm
I don’t really have time to spend discussing my personal life. Certainly not devote 1/2 the period to it. Sure, it’s important to make a connection with kids, and I certainly don’t think letting them know a bit about my family is out-of-line, but half the period? I don’t even have time to go to the bathroom unless it’s during my 20-minute “scarf-it-down” lunch break, or my 45-minute “supposed-to-be-planning-but-is-really-filled-with-meetings” break in the afternoon.
Who cares if she’s a lesbian? Is she doing a good job teaching? She’s supposed to teach English. So teach English.
Proud Teacher
January 13th, 2012
12:37 pm
The classroom is about the students and not the teacher. Little should ever be discussed about the teacher unless it directly contributes to the issue at and. Then, the discussion should be brief as possible before returning to the real subject/standard at hand.
Observer
January 13th, 2012
12:46 pm
@ Dr. No/ Mr. Sunshine, there is a “spell-check” feature on your computer that you REALLY need to learn to use.
Dr NO / Mr Sunshine
January 13th, 2012
12:53 pm
Observer
January 13th, 2012
12:46 pm
Thanks “Good Manner-Man.”
Lee
January 13th, 2012
12:54 pm
Sorry @V and @Beverly, if your boss uses language such as “I FORBID YOU…”, you better make darn sure you reach an understanding before you continue with your actions.
This teacher had her mind made up that she was going to discuss the topic with her students and now wants to cry fowl when she gets reprimanded.
Dr NO / Mr Sunshine
January 13th, 2012
12:56 pm
Jason
January 13th, 2012
12:30 pm
And whats wrong with bringing Obama into the conversation. Doesnt he advocate honesty, volunteerism, submission to his compulsory volunteer program, trnasparency? Say what you will but I guarantee you the teacher in question is a narcissistic obama voter.
Matt
January 13th, 2012
1:04 pm
Why should it affect anyone else? Some of the best teachers I have ever had have been gay, and that didn’t affect the quality of their lessons.
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
1:04 pm
If her principal had “forbidden” her to say her spouse was of a different race, you would support the teacher being reprimanded?
See how ridiculous that sounds?
Old timer
January 13th, 2012
1:27 pm
Too much to do and half a class about her is too much..but then one time I worked next door to a teacher who spent most of her time telling her seventh graders about her pregnancy……way too much info for most and inappropriate. She did not come back the next year.
Fred
January 13th, 2012
1:42 pm
Lee
January 13th, 2012
12:54 pm
Sorry @V and @Beverly, if your boss uses language such as “I FORBID YOU…”, you better make darn sure you reach an understanding before you continue with your actions.
This teacher had her mind made up that she was going to discuss the topic with her students and now wants to cry fowl when she gets reprimanded.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why would the teacher be calling for a chicken or a duck? That make no sense.
Nor does your comment make much sense. The teacher isn’t crying anything. She was asked to share her story and she did. Try reading the words that are ON the screen (and try to read and understand them all)and not add your own or your preconceived notions to what the article was going to say before you even read it. Actually, from your comments, I can’t really tell that you actually DID read the article……….
Inman Park Boy
January 13th, 2012
1:47 pm
Would you want a straight teacher discussing his/her sex life? Hardly. Same rule for homosexuals.
Fred
January 13th, 2012
1:48 pm
But on topic: When I read the title of the blog today, I had my OWN preconceived notions about what I was going to read and what I thought about “it.” Luckily, I don’t hold on to preconceived notions, especially when they prove to be groundless.
After reading the story, I thought the teacher handled the situation very professionally and to be honest very delicately. I applaud her. I don’t know if there are any gay or lesbian teachers in my daughters school, I don’t care, it has no bearing on their teaching. I suspect a couple, but it has never come up in conversation with them. If a similar situation occurred in my daughter’s classroom, I would prefer the teacher in question handle it the same way as that teacher did rather than lie about it.
(Oh, and Maureen? -10 points for using something from the Huff. they are as “fair and balanced” as FOX lol).
Fred
January 13th, 2012
1:50 pm
Beverly Fraud
January 13th, 2012
1:04 pm
If her principal had “forbidden” her to say her spouse was of a different race, you would support the teacher being reprimanded?
See how ridiculous that sounds?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Actually Beverly, I would bet you money that he doesn’t. People rarely notice much less acknowledge their hypocrisy or the depth of it.
But you gave a good example nonetheless.
Batgirl
January 13th, 2012
1:50 pm
I don’t think that half a class period out of 180 days is too much time to spend on this topic. It takes a lot of courage, in my opinion, to speak to your students about a private matter that may not be well received, and I think the teacher handled it very well.
@ Lee, I don’t see where the teacher cried either fowl(?) or foul. She simply had her union rep place a letter of support in her file.
Fred
January 13th, 2012
1:52 pm
Inman Park Boy
January 13th, 2012
1:47 pm
Would you want a straight teacher discussing his/her sex life? Hardly. Same rule for homosexuals.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The above is a clearr example of someone who either did not at all read the article before commenting or has a complete lack of ability to read and comprehend the written word.
Batgirl
January 13th, 2012
1:54 pm
Ah, Fred, you beat me to the punch on the “crying fowl” comment. Very funny!